What every mom should ask for in divorce negotiations

ask for in divorce

Divorce and custody negotiations are stressful. It’s easy to want to plow through negotiations as quickly as possible. Slow your roll. Here’s what every mom SHOULD ask for in your divorce negotiations.

Here are 14 things every mom should ask for in a divorce:

Fair share of child care, after-school, camp and extracurricular activities. Especially if your kids are tiny, it can be hard to imagine that one day they may require thousands of dollars annually in these costs, but ask any parent: They add up to a lot. Each parent should be expected to pay their share, dependent upon income (which will likely change in which case you will revisit the equation). Many women who were stay-at-home moms fail to demand payment full-time child care because they have a hard time imagining that they will need it — or simply can’t let go of their dream of staying home. Check out Care.com for an excellent selection of pre-screened, affordable sitters and nannies in your area.

Life insurance policies in which kids are named as beneficiaries. This life insurance calculator from Haven Life will help you understand what you need, and how much it will cost you (I bet you didn’t know that you can get $1 million of insurance for $9 per month!). Check it out here:

Equal parenting time. I elaborate in detail here why this is important. By asking your kids’ dad to take responsibility as a parent — and not just ‘give’ him minimum ‘access’ to his kids — it dramatically reduces the conflict between you, dramatically increases the chances he will be actively involved (and not skip out on parenting), and that he will pay any support or extras that is required of him. I know it can be hard — I was adamantly opposed to this initially — but expecting equal time of both parents is good for kids, parents, men and feminism.


Shared responsibility for caring for kids on summer, school holidays, breaks, half-days and when kids are sick. See above. This time can be seen as a blessing or a burden, but it must be taken care of, and it is both parents’ responsibility to arrange care or take time off work. We can’t close the pay gap until this happens. Instead of arguing with your ex about taking time off, find a great sitter on Care.com and agree to share costs.

Private school tuition share, if this is relevant.

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Passport and written permission to travel internationally with the kids (or not). Whether you have
family in another country, envision vacationing abroad, or otherwise, every mom needs to establish this now, including if you have actual legal reason to worry your kids’ dad will kidnap your kids abroad and want to make sure this is addressed at the time of travel.banner


College tuition. Some states like Illinois require that divorced parents pay a share of college costs. Establish how much each parent must contribute to a college investment fund, or pay at the time of enrollment. One tactic that works for many families: Once kids age out of child care, reallocate those funds to a 529 college investment account. Start saving for college now with Upromise. It’s free to join, sign up today.

Who claims children on taxes. Many families either take turns claiming the kids or otherwise equally split the deductions in an equitable way, for example, divvying up health insurance, child care or other kid-related deductions. If your ex has a history of not paying his share, make sure you take the deductions. A tax professional at H&R Block can help you minimize your taxes.

Health insurance for the kids, and equitable payment for premiums and out-of-pocket expenses. Affordable Health Insurance. Compare the leading carriers side-by-side.

Kids have their own beds.

Routine safety provisions in the other parent’s home: No guns, window locks, smoke alarms, etc.

For disabled children, provisions to continue support and related care indefinitely.

Right of first refusal. This means that if one parent can’t be with the kids on their assigned days, the other parent has first dibs on that time.

Mandated co-parenting classes.



Single Mom Resource Guide

Close the pay gap? Get dads involved? 50-50 parenting and no child support

My kid’s dad isn’t involved and I don’t know what to say

The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids

Should you date a guy who doesn’t see his kids?

Why you should never count on alimony



Don't rush through your divorce negotiations! Make sure to ask for these 14 things in your divorce. Divorce advice for newly single moms.

9 thoughts on “What every mom should ask for in divorce negotiations

  1. This is a great list! It’s so important to have a good lawyer to talk through these with. In TX, if I had insisted on sharing college costs, I would have had to give up part of the community property settlement. In the end, they got financial aid of grants and scholarships since they went to in-state public universities and I had claimed them on my taxes, not their dad.

  2. Can I ask about number 10? My kids have their own beds at my house (I’ve got primary custody), however they do not at their father’s. They sleep on the floor or the couch…
    Now, I’m not ok with this sleeping arrangement, but how do they mandate that the kids have their own beds?

  3. Recommending shared parenting with a personality disordered parent is wrong. Unfortunately, sometimes the non-disordered parent is so smeared by the disordered one that the legal and even mental health system cannot tell the difference. That is bad for kids, period.

  4. Most of the list that wbat child support is for. Child support, because the the writer obviously has never heard of it, is money for the children. Asking for even more money for child activities, insurance, college tuition etc is just hateful. The money my ex pays for our kids go right to the kids to cover all those things. He doesn’t doesn’t pay anything else.

    1. Child support is for food and utilities used when the children are at the other parent’s house. It is not for extra activities. Also, those with 50/50 custody do not receive child support. So yes, extra money for these k8nd of activities should be asked for because they are not covered.

  5. Thanks ! EMMA JOHNSON You shard such a beautiful story as blogs . rally I fell happy. wonderful massages you shared. Family Law provides the voice of reason, strategy and compassion when you feel that your world is crumbling around you.


  6. My husband and I were just granted full custody of his 11, 9 and 4 year old Jan 29th, 2018.
    The reason was their mom denied him his visitation numerous times and he documented it thru police reports. Emails and texts from her and her fiance proved she was trying to alienate their dad.

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