Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
Not sure where your child's father is — or you are looking for your dad? TruthFinder offers background checks, reverse phone lookup, address and phone number search. A+ rating on the BBB.
A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
I went through the losing of my children, i was accused of things that where untrue and I dealt with continued abuse, which was witnessed on a public highway by a witness. Lawyers will tell a father to get to her before she gets to him. In the end, my children witnessed someone they came to love, strangled in front of them. Why? Because our society believes that women have some sort of priviledge in court. Because of this bias the children where placed in danger, and traumatized. It took me 90,000 dollars to just get to see my kids, to eventually be the primary care giver. He would say the same thing, and tried to. It was eventually obviously to everyone involved that he had a vendetta because I left him. This article sounds like validating excuses. It’s not about him being human, and him feeling good about himself. The focus is supposed to be on the children, and their needs, not whether or not he likes the arrangement, or gets his way in court. Think about this? How much of this is reasonable? I am not there to mother him, I’m there to mother the children. What kind of excuse is any of it, for him not to show up to visitation, or call, when he has equal rights. Here is the deal, I can’t do it for him, he has to care enough about the child to make the attempt. Especially, if the mother is really that bad. At least he can blame it on the mother later. That’s the problem is lack of accountability. This article is right. This is very much a cultural issue. Men are not expected to want to be apart of the child’s life. If he is, he deserves a gold medal. But a woman stays around her kids, makes the attempts, follows the court orders, she is just doing what is expected of her. What is the excuse? He didn’t want to deal with the mother. It was more about his pride, than the needs of the children. I get there are women who are petulante and difficult. But here is the deal, I have to deal with him too, it’s not pleasant, i have to swollow my pride. Why, because I close to have children with him. I chose to take on that responsibility 3 times actually when I took the risk of pregnancy, by having sex. Unless he was raped, I don’t see how he could be tricked into it anymore than the woman was. Especially me because birth control failed twice. It doesn’t mean i just write off my kids, because it’s too much work to coparent. Because I am not getting my way all the time. I still update him, i still try. I have gone far and beyond what this article asks for, and it still makes no difference. Even after what he pulled. It comes down to the fact that his pride comes before the kids. As a result, he uses conflict abusively and that was very evident in his declaration. Even a psychologist he tried to lie to, and could see that he thinks he is less responsible for the problems, and more virtuous than he actually is. Culture and society encourage him to be unaccountable, because we have as a society pampered them. Judges aren’t stupid. They catch on. They don’t like being lied to and manipulated. His anger came out in his declarations. The entitlement. All of it. He put my daughter through a rape kit, and told cps i and my husband where molesting them. He did it on the week of my wedding, then through a fit when they did an investogation, and could see past it. The lawyer we hire had 4 calls where the same situation was going on. Dad’s mad because the kids’ mother left him, when she gets into a new relationship, instead of getting over himself, he uses the children as pawns, and starts coaching the kids and making molestation accusations. Then tells the judge it was all his lawyers fault. Tells the judge they are shallow. The thing about lies is, it’s really hard to maintain credibility for any extended period of time. I’m difficult, is not a valid excuse to do any of what he has done, including desert the kids. It’s not about his feelings. It’s about what is best for the kids. Both genders do it. It just depends on the bias’ of the judge what happens. In this case, because of the same propaganda as this article, the judge did not side with me initially. He doesn’t have his kids, and has limited visitation, because of his choices. This mindset feeds the ideal that there is an excuse. There was no excuse for me. I went through it. I know what it feels like to be demonized and have my children ripped from me. I know what it is like to deal with a difficult and abusive ex. I know what it is like to follow the judges orders and always take the high road. I also know what it is like to be judged by people and falsly accused of alienating him. I know what it’s like to be the victim of legal abuse. I also know what it’s like to have no reason why daddy didn’t show up, because I can’t speak for him. The thing is, it was your mother’s fault, never sat well with me when my father tried it. Children see everything. The worst part is when they are left to their own imaginations when dad doesn’t show up. That is on him, not on me. I question the claim that mom is too difficult, is a valid excuse to not show up. I went through the same pain for a time. It sucks for me too when I have to share, especially with someone who has been physically abusive in the past. I was told by my lawyer to never bring up his abuse, because of the bias, and they know full well all the abuse. It’s just they don’t care, then it’s a huge surprise when they get hurt. Really, it is because of the other women who do lie and are caniving. In reality, both genders do it. Ultimately, it does hurt the kids. Here is the other thing. I have anxiety and ptsd. Most victims of dv do. I am miserable mentally and emotionally when there is conflict because it puts me in fight or flight. I don’t go our of my way to terrorize him, because then i worry if he is taking it out on the kids, when he has visitation.
My ex-husband never really liked me, he left to marry someone else and told me didn’t want to be bothered with our child. He started a business and now. he can’t be forced to pay. He invites our kid over for the holidays and birthdays and doesn’t buy her gifts, but the other 3 kids always have tons of stuff. He asks for her to spend the night but she has no room or bed, just an air mattress, his other 3 children have a room and bed. I told him she had to have a livable space like his other children and he pretends to be broke, he and his wife both work full-time and don’t have to pay for daycare. I told him he has to treat her better, I overheard her telling her friends she feels like orphan Annie at his house, and his response is “I am trying to keep her away.”
Your piece alludes to and conveniently brushes aside the very real phenomenon of domestic violence.
One out of four women, and a smaller but significant number of men, will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. When children are involved, it is exceedingly hard, and expensive, to get away and find solutions that are in the best interest of the child.
The child. Not the father “deprived” of his rights, not the mother wanting the father to “pay up”.
When violence is present, the best interest of the child does not include being exposed to and affected by the dynamics of domestic violence, which usually continue after separation.
My ex-husband tried to kill me and tried to make me think he had killed our child in order to scare me. For this he received a prison sentence. In the years since, he has used court-ordered child custody as a way to ignore restraining orders and continue stalking, harassing, and threatening us, as well as my new family. The law orders me to send our child with him once every two weekends and half of school vacations. A person who has never lived with a domestic abuser will never understand the terror of having to regularly hand over a child to someone who once demonstrated intent to kill that child.
Your piece cites “violence towards the mother” as a result of mothers limiting contact with fathers and, as such, condones it as an understandable response. You seem to have put no thought into the fact that there are good reasons why a normally constituted, sane parent with protective instincts (mother or father) may want or indeed need to limit contact with the other parent, notably for reasons of physical, psychological or moral safety.
Your attitude at best naive and your writing irresponsible. At worst, you are a gung-ho water carrier for a sizeable segment of dangerous, disordered parents who manipulate children in order to exact personal vengeance.
I have no child support and would not want to accept any if I were down to my last cent. I did try for years to keep my family together under one roof and to find help for us all. When that failed, I fled to save myself and my child. So far, it has cost me my home, my career, my health, and $250K. My story is unfortunately commonplace.
You would be well served by putting your journalist training to use to interview family health advocates, domestic violence specialists and mental health workers, and to inform yourself of the financial burdens of domestic violence and its macroeconomic cost.
Domestic violence is perpetrated in roughly equal measures between men and women when the figures are broken down. Also MOST domestic violence is tit for tat or retaliatory, with women being more likely to initiate it. Likelihood of a weapon being used – more likely to be a woman and men are more likely to cause significant physical harm to a woman in a tit for tat encounter.
Those predators who use violence to control and terrorise and abuse their victim, I find particularly repugnant.
The article above is in my eyes written for situations in which abuse/domestic violence were not present.
I have vaguely similar but less direct experiences to yours from my ex-woman… who has nearly driven me to suicide on multiple occasions and now manipulated the family courts against me and my sons and has full custody of them. Her behaviour, and the behaviours you describe with your POS ex are abhorrent and evil.
And the article was clearly written as a general piece separate to DV or other forms of abuse….
There are just as many female abusers as their are male, and all of them are wicked and deserve to be brought to justice. The best hack to understand them and their nature, is to study up on narcissism and covert narcissism, as every abuser is the same at the core, they are effectively ‘all the same’ although case to case their abuse may manifest differently…
I’m sorry for what you’ve suffered
I have just made that difficult decision mate, the conflict would never end unless there were 2 reasonable people involved, or atleast one who was prepared to walk away. I feel you’re pain mate, hardest decision of my life.
I suppose this may be helpful to some single mothers… but to me this is poison.
Putting the blame on the legal system which has significantly changed to the opposite of what you’re describing, is misleading. Now the legal system advocates so strongly for the 2 parent shared custody arrangement, to the point where children are forced to go to an abusive father. If abuse is alleged by the mother, retaliation is immediately “parental alienation “ and in many cases the mother trying to protect her child then loses more custody or visitation to the alleged abuser.
The villainy of the mother trying to get revenge on the father, whose a victim is the age old story deadbeats tell as to why they aren’t involved.
In my particular situation, I was groomed by a psychopathic man when I was age 16. I was the perfect victim, had no prior relationship experience, and no other adults to talk to about my experience. I’m now the mother of a teenager who is 16 years old, and I’ve spent the last 17 years in survival mode. Putting aside the horrific and disgusting abuse I suffered, this man was in my child’s life for the first three years. And only to put the child in dangerous situations, to manipulate me, and wreck havoc. I owe thousands in legal debt, but was given sole custody because even the court recognized the danger my child was in. I’ve been in and out of court rooms, in the meantime I’ve never recieved a dollar of support. The “father” who was my age now when he preyed on me, has only showed up to threaten us, or to hurt my child psychologically. My child chose to block all communication and I supported that decision. The victim is not that predatory man but the victim in my child who deserved better and who has mourned the loss of a father who would actually love them and not just use them of cause anxiety and sadness. Unfortunately the man never took advantage of all the chances the court gave him to step up and be a parent. You cannot force a predator to be a parent. You can’t force a selfish abusive in empathetic person to be a parent. He forced me to be one, and I’ve done everything I can to be the best I could be, on my own without any support from my teen years. I would die for someone who wanted to be involved and who loved my child, however this person is not capable of love.
Sigh- I’m disappointed as I’ve appreciated the support and resources towards surviving and thriving as a single mother. I realize you get some form of financial benefits for posting this article, however at this point I’m sadly going to unsubscribe. This is not catered to situations like mine. I’ve spent over half my life being unable to find support that is, sadly it’s so very alienating.
When my parents got divorced my father left and did not want custody. He never paid child support and visited about once every five years. He knew my mother was emotionally abusive but he left me with her anyway. When he came to visit me when I was five years old, I was really happy and that made my mother angry. She told me he didn’t pay child support. I asked, “What’s child support?” She constantly told me what a horrible person he was. (A lazy, disgusting bum). I was never allowed to call him Daddy. I had to call him by his first name. When I got older, I ended up resenting her for trying to pit me against my father. Her tactics backfired! So to all the alienated fathers out there – know that your children will eventually find out the truth for themselves.
I guess my situation could be considered one of the supposed rare instances when a man actively chooses to bring children into the world and is a fairly good father for the first few years of their lives only to suddenly ask me for a divorce and he decided to move his side chick and her kids into our home and ask me and our kids to leave. He now doesn’t pay any child support after purposely getting kicked out of the military so they couldn’t garnish his wages anymore. He gets VA disability which is not garnishable. He doesn’t make any of the payments himself either yet took me to court to get his child support amount lowered. I’ve jumped through hoops trying to make things as Fair as possible and begged him at one point to stay in the kids lives because he was getting inconsistent with his communication. Eventually he only wanted to call them on their birthdays and Christmas with the occasional message here and there. This past year he has not called them on their birthdays and actively ignores all of their messages and phone calls as well as mine. He completely refuses to acknowledge any of our existences. He went from being a great dad and partner to this deadbeat who doesn’t talk to his kids or help support them in any way at all. And this is just over the course of 5 years. I do not trash talk him in front of the kids and I’m always very careful what I say about him but they definitely notice his absence and ask all the time if he’s ever going to see them again or talk to them again. They haven’t seen him in person for almost 4 years. Part of the problem there was because of the pandemic and being so far away because I moved us to my hometown when we got divorced because my support system was here. But he would actively tell people that his new wife’s kids are his and I found out that nobody in his circle of friends even knew that he had biological kids. He doesn’t talk about them he doesn’t post anything about them on his social media. He only talks about her kids and they call him dad and it is hurting my boys. They are having behavior issues and are so hurt and it is breaking my heart and making me furious. I just don’t get it. I know I can’t force him to have a relationship with them but it is just so unfair to my kids who are hurting and it makes me want to hurt him for hurting my babies. I’m going to go for Solel legal custody soon and I already have sole physical custody. Him refusing to talk to me now makes it impossible for me to get them certain types of medical Care without his permission and they need to go to therapy but because the divorce decree says we have joint legal custody they have to get his permission but he won’t give it. He’s just a true deadbeat and does not seem to care at all and it is so messed up. Yet he tells people that I won’t let him see them and other stupid stuff like that. He’s the definition of a deadbeat in my opinion. I wish there was more that I could do to get him to be a dad because my boys need their dad so badly.
Currently going through a divorce and my son witnessed a lot of abuse. He witnessed on several occasions my husband threatening to kill me or actually trying to buy strangulation and going to get a weapon. So my son who is 9 doesn’t want a relationship but of course I get the blame for this when really I’m the one left dealing with the emotional outburst when dad expressed wanting to spend time. I really am so lost on what to do in this situation.
I hope you are right. I am an alienated
Mom who ex husband and his family have vilified me and my alienated daughters half sister. This happens to moms too. I have had false allegations, lies, CPS and my daughter weaponized against me.
I live with half a heart and having a relationship with my daughter is impossible when she reports everything to her dad and she doesn’t know her reality. I hope you are right and one day she will figure this all out.
I’m a dad with 4 kids, three I don’t see because of their mother and one from an earlier relationship who’s mother believes in a father being present and sets it as a priority. As such, haven’t seen my boys in years nor do we speak to them but I see and hear from my daughter all the time. I was at my daughters sweet 16 and we have a great relationship. My boys, on the other hand, all their mothers care about is the $4,500 in child support, tax credits, and me paying 80% of all expenses for extra activities and 100% of medical insurance. The only time I hear from her about them is to lay an invoice or if the if the child support had a rare glitch (not my fault). I don’t even know what school my boys go to nor do they pick up my phone calls. My parents can’t see them and they have tried. It’s sad!!!! I’m black and my kids are black. People believe black men don’t love their kids and black men are to blame for the state of the black community. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Ask yourself this, why do black women hate or resent black men who date or marry white women?!? If black men were the problem, wouldn’t we celebrate a good relationship or family anywhere we see it involving them? But we don’t (black Somme don’t). The truth is black men AND black women are both responsible for the state of the black community. Black women are NOT victims. They are consenting adults who chose to have kids out of wedlock (70% black births). Black women are NOT victims. Everyone condemns Nick Cannon for having all these kids but he’s famous and everyone knows what’s happening in his personal life and nobody hold these women accountable for dating or getting pregnant for a man that have multiple women pregnant. These women are often nameless and spoken about like they are victims. They are NOT victims. They are just as irresponsible — if not then more — than Nick Cannon.
I’m a single father awaiting 50/50 custody but it is 6months away. It is nearly impossible to endure, it’s ripping me apart
stay with it! 50/50 is the best!! I know its a hard pill to swallow, but absence does make the heart grow fonder. When I finally get to meet up with my 5 yr old its so much love!!
Good Evening Curtis,
I just saw your posting and had to respond to it. I’ve gone through a very hard situation and understand the anguish involved in this process. I won’t give you my full story in this posting but know that I am trying to encourage you. Why? You are in a far better position than I was with my children’s mother. I didn’t get 50/50 custody largely due to being railroaded by the House of Ruth, who did no investigation with me involved, and who normally side with women and take their testimony as the ‘Gospel’. But you have an assured chance of getting it. Hey, give yourself time to go this distance… In light of the 6 months that are going to pass-by, and in light of the totality of time that you can now look forward to, you will be able to recoup your time in meaningful ways with the 50/50 custody that I couldn’t. When you get it, hold on to your child(ren) and utilize the time as a good father. All in all, be sure that the custody is indeed going to be 50/50 and that it will be set in stone, without the mother having the ability to change it according to her own whims. And I mean this coming and going. She should not be able to not let you see them when it is your time to get them, and she should not be showing up to your home unannounced and uninvited to take the kid(s) from you several days earlier, simply because she felt like it, or claims that she had something to do. Try to walk thru these next six months and make sure it goes as planned. You have a much better opportunity with regard to custody than I did, and I’m happy for you. It’s time for a lot of the gaming non-sense to stop. Be well and win and stay committed to your children. I’m hoping and praying for what is right for you. Have a good evening.
I am in divorce proceedings now. Since a lawyer has been hired, he has not spoken to his son. He’s only six, so I do hold the key a bit to that connection, but I have given days/times for him to call, and we have an iPad, I just need to make sure it’s available and ready for our child. He has asked for full no-contact. He has said he will see him at Thanksgiving and changed his mind. Seeing me is too upsetting, is my understanding. I am hoping this is not the way it is. I am distraught at the choices made and requests of me over the last few years, and this year in particular. He lives in another state, so it’s not easy for him to see him. But, if anything, I’ve grown angry at his not calling him. He missed his birthday for crying out loud. How does a mother stay calm through that? I am expected to be Buddha and put up with such terrible treatment. I mess up, and I do get angry, but I am hurt. I hear my child say, “when do I see daddy?” and “maybe he is away making money to get me a big present,” and I’m like, God Help me, I am dealing with this alone. What do you say? I say no, he’s not doing that, but he loves you. He’s focused on himself. You are loved. Daddy loves you, and I love you, and you are lovable, and you need to know that. What else can I say? Then, I ask again “when are you going to come to get him and see him” to his therapist/mediator person, and the reply I always the same “no contact for two years!.” How could i believe this person wanted his kid? How could anyone? Dads, yes, we moms are a pain sometimes, but I feel they don’t notice what their absence and neglect do to people. To their kids. I accept every day he will not be around over the holidays to get him or see him. The trouble is the more he is not around, the less I don’t want him around. I do not want a part-time in/out the type of dad or person for him. I do not want my kid to accept the kind of love I did… let someone see you when it’s convenient for them. That’s not good or kind or healing. Also, I’ve learned now how to deal with and parent without him. He trained me to do this by shutting down when things got hard. Things are hard for me, you don’t see me walking out. His presence is needed, but he also may not have the funds to do much. I am sure he feels stuck but then asks for help. Really. Fuck pride, fuck ego, and put the kid first. That’s my thoughts. I know I wasn’t easy at the end, especially. I can understand wanting to protect our mental health but at the cost of our kid? That’s a hard one for me to accept. I feel sorry for him, his choices, and his way of being. It’s sad to me. Sad to watch. Hard to see and truly disappointing. He was a good man and a good dad to his other kids (I think he still is), but that ex paid him and is a much more meek person than I am. I am stronger and more vocal when things need to be addressed, but if you clear and you do what you say you will do or even ask for some understanding, I will at least chill out. But not talking to a little kid and blaming me? No. I am sorry. You do or don’t do… there is no TRY. Our kid is here and ready for a call. No one is keeping him from anyone. But yes, you may have to put it in the calendar… why is that so much to ask? It isn’t. Something else is amiss.
This article reads like not one single mental health professional was consulted. It’s riddled with misinformation, incorrect statistics and feels deeply biased.
I encourage people reading this to seek therapeutic support first and foremost along with an actual person trained in conflict resolution, family mediation and advocacy.
You are clearly part of the problem
What possible help can a trained professional offer if the mother decides not to let the children participate?
I had this situation, after several court ordered visits the Family Reunification Soecialist advised me that I was wasting my money and the children’s (10/12) time.
They sat in meeting after meeting refusing to engage with the specialist and would refuse to say anything positive about me, or acknowledge that I’d ever done anything right, they say and waited for the time to be up.
They had unilaterally decided that I wasn’t worthy of being called Dad, so they reverted to calling me by my first-name only in the meetings, and said that they had come to this conclusion themselves with no coaching by their mother.
I wrote to their school asking for copies of their school reports so I could keep abreast of their progress and received a restraining order from her supported by the kids.
This was 8-12 years ago.
My daughter is now back in touch with me, she did so on the day she left her mothers house and could contact me without her mother going through her phone.
She said her mother had coached the religiously about what a bad person I was, that if they ever reached out to me or spoke to me or any of my family, they would be kicked out of the house. Indeed my daughter threatened to call me during an argument with her mother years later but didn’t have my number, so when she left the house her mother called the police and said that my daughter was stealing her car. It was my daughters car but registered in the mothers name. Behaviour like this was commonplace apparently, but the threats that accompanied any mention of them contacting me continued.
I was apparently the subject of ridicule and suspicion for years but she was happy to alienate me to maximise the child support $3000/month) and I never missed a payment.
So – there are people who are on the spectrum of humanity whether they’re male or female, but only one sex has the power of the state behind it.
I had to stop trying to see my children after repeated court visits and orders – the kids would call the police as soon as they got in my car and say I was kidnapping them, they’d jump out of the car and run away when I stopped at the lights – it was insane and I had to stop for my sanity and theirs.
My daughter and I get on done now – I haven’t seen my son since 2010 but I’ll never get back the lost years or have the relationship I used to have with her, and definitely him.
Both genders have good and bad people in them, but the legal system is asymmetrical in its determinations.
Go to the very people who make their living off keeping people in conflict? That is some crappy advice . As to the misinformation , I and thousands of fathers I know will tell you the information in this article is completely factual. . Nice try though .
A lot of people don’t even know what is happening to them until it’s too late… your comment alone seems judgemental.
You have no idea what you are talking about Deanna. I have been going through this crap for years, and I have seen many counselors and therapists. No one can fix this garbage…it is wrong and it hurts and there is nothing you can do because the courts will listen to the bad guy and all of their false accusations.
Everything this person wrote resonates with me. I love love love my babies, but when you are constantly being accused of child abuse (by the kids themselves!), called a liar, told you are too crazy to be around the kids, there is a breaking point. No one is strong enough for this, with counseling or not. THE OTHER PARENT DOESN’T WANT CONFLICT RESOLUTION!!!!! IT’S CONFLICT ON PURPOSE!!!
This is all great and so much truth. However please help on how to navigate the process to get my kids back.
I have 4 kids. Twins (the youngest) are seinors in HS. Two in college. Kids think I abandoned them and don’t pay their mother anything. They believe her. At Thanksgiving last year I showed up and she got on a plane with the kids to go to Cabo.
When we divorced there was more than enough money to pay for the kids college. It’s gone. She didn’t use for college. Now the kids think school can’t be paid for and mom is in dire need of money. I pay for everyone’s insurance, alimony, taxes, mortgage. The kids yell at me and think I’m a deadbeat dad.
My efforts to see them only get me messages returned that they are busy. Another thanksgiving they don’t want to see me.
I was the parent that took them to their sporting events, taught them how to ski, brought them to college visits and much more. I loved them and still love them unconditionally. What do I do! I’m torn apart. The manipulation and the courts are brutal. My lawyer and anyone that knows me, are shocked that this is happening. My x has a personality disorder. Possibly bipolar. The kids don’t see any of it. Help me please!
Do you actually read any of these comments? Or is this a space just to vent?
If you want to know why, it is for so very many of the reasons outlined here. This man has done such a wonderful job of it, I feel at peace that it has been articulated for all of us. We are not grist to the mill. We are loving fathers who miss their children.
I am considering leaving my children’s lives. My wife went on a trip to see her family and never came back. I have not seen my children for months. I have spoken to them every day, but I have to get off the phone every time because I break down sobbing and wailing from the loss of my children and the death of the happy family life I thought I had. My wife didn’t work, but is educated. She didn’t allege physical or emotional abuse or have an affair. I am just such a schmuck that she had to move 3,000 miles away from me to live with her parents and not look for a job. Just needed to get away from me. This has destroyed my self-esteem. Acquaintances look at me like there must be something wrong with me for my spouse to flee from me even though I always “seemed” like a nice guy. it feels humiliating. I want to wring the person by the neck and say who the f**ck are you to judge me. I gave absolutely everything to my children and my wife. My sole passion in life was to be with my children and wife. I did everything I could. I was deceived. I was tricked into loving a woman who never gave a damn about me. My world has collapsed by a woman for no apparent reason at all. I don’t think I can handle being an absentee father after spending every free moment with my children. I’m sorry, but I’m just not that strong. I feel like talking to them on the phone and hearing them correct themselves that they don’t miss home and perhaps seeing them occasionally will drive me to suicide. I would rather be an absent father who is alive rather than a hush-toned father who committed suicide. I am successful lawyer who went to a top-16 law school. The desire to be absent from your children’s lives because they were taken from you, and it’s too painful to see them every now and then does not discriminate. It cuts across all socio-economic classes.
Wow when i first read this, i had to doible check it was not a previous post of mine becuase im in the exact same situation, my ex wife told me she was going on vacation for 1 month and its been almost 2 years now she left. We have a 7 yr old who i love and hold dearly but due to not being able to really be in her life and all the things her mother does to me just to spite me, shes pushing me to fully walk away, its hard becuase its gonna hurt me knowing that shes gonna tell her that its probably that idc and that would break my daughters heart, im stuck cuase o really dont know what to do.
I’m a father of 3 kids a 7yr a 5yr and a 4 yr old, from birth up till 2 years ago I’ve been fully involved in every aspect of these kids lives. When I cooked they were sitting on the counter with me, when they were born I was there, when I worked 70 hours a week and still spent what time I had with my kids, we went to the store I would take the kids and walk around the store “adventure time” we called it so they weren’t stuck in the cart stressing their mother out and it was a lot of fun for us, we listened to music and danced with each other, my girls would paint my nails and used me as make up practice, I can go on for hours of the things me and my kids used to spend time together.
But the relationship with their mother was toxic at best, in the beginning it was my fault, it started out with some unresolved issues from Afghanistan, I resorted to drugs, alcohol, anger, depression and severely bad choices that lasted until she was pregnant with our oldest. So needless to say I blame myself for everything we struggled through in the beginning.
After we had our oldest I sobered up, dropped the booze and the pills but I was still constantly cycling jobs, most I kept for a entire year but a few years I would go through like 2-3 jobs and the relationship with their mother was already broken because of the things I’ve done, fights over nothing, fights over something like money/work or parenting style or our tone of voice (this was one fight I always started, her base tone of voice was screaming like a banshee) but literally just fight initiated by either of us and never ending.
After we had our oldest we began a cycle of
this fighting everyday from wake to sleep, when things got extremely bad and I’d leave,and after a while I’d miss the kids and come back, few months later I’d have to leave again and then come back, for 4-5 years we repeated this cycle and during we had two more kids that we dragged through our toxic cycle, eventually I ended up checking myself in to a mental hospital a few times and turned to drugs again, (weed mostly but for a few months I had a coke problem before I blacked out on it during a fight and put my head through the door, needless to say I dropped it then and there)
Finally after fighting through this with the intentions of staying together for the kids I had to choose to make a decision and stick with it, so I left to pave my own route.
So when I walked away I Stayed in a homeless shelter, continued contact with the kids, paid the C.S I could pay and thankfully she would bring the kids up and all of us would spend the day together,
Got in a place and I would take a train to their area and spent time we ith the kids at my parents for the weekend every weekend.
At one time all of us took a vacation to Florida to visit my family with my parents and the week we were there things were actually amazing, but once we got back to Illinois everything started again.
Fast forward a year to 2019 and I lost my job which caused me to lose my place which finally broke me after this 5 year struggle that I initially caused and I made a very poor attempt to end my life but one thought about the way the way it would destroy the kids I stopped even when I was fully intending to end things right then and there.
After the very stupid failed attempt me and their mother started talking about moving to Florida, after a few months of talking we decided that I’d go for a year, if I got a place and job then she would send the kids down and get her stuff transferred and situated and we would do joint custody.
I moved down, stayed on my buddies couch for a few weeks and started working a week after moving. Over the next year the VA set me up with housing, and also during that time I repeatedly asked if she was still sure she was moving before I got locked in a lease, to the point it started causing fights and I had to drop it.
Things was so sure that they were moving down that my parents sold their house and moved down to Florida to be with me, their grandkids and their family down here.
So the middle July of 2020 after I’ve been locked in my lease for a few months I asked again, and she still said she was sure,so a little more then a month later my parents finalizing selling their house and on their way to Florida, a little after that I started bringing up the subject of her and the kids moving down after a few talks she admitted she had no intention of moving down.
Not only that but she has been seeing someone for a few months (middle of July a week after she told me she’s still coming down was when they made it official) and making him a active item in our kids lives, which upset me very very very much, I mean that’s just too soon especially while their father was away in another state.
I overreacted a lot of days for a month afterwards and also made a choice to walk away completely.
After a few months of no contact with the kids I gathered the courage and got back into contact, from that point on I would have to ask her boyfriend permission on any decisions regarding the kids, I was limited to a hour long video conversation on FB a few days a week, during that time she would be in the background cursing at me , calling me a bad father and acting like I chose to abandon the kids completely when I moved to Florida and I was never in their lives since birth, the story she told her boyfriend and every new person that came in her life.
A year passes and I kept in constant contact every day I was allowed for a hour or a little more at a time, I tried to keep updated in their school, interests and health but was always hindered by her, and then I was able to finally go up and spend a week with them in april of this year, I met the boyfriend and dudes a great guy, former vet, cared for the kids and he even helped keeping her calm through setting up summer visitations and everything.
I wasn’t able to make that years summer so I went up to see them again in July and it was fantastic.
During that time my oldest daughter opened up about concerns with the guy, took their TV for a month when they really acted up, getting mad and hollered at them excessively to the point where my ex couldn’t control him, when I raised those concerns to my ex it erupted a fight every time, when my daughter opened up again about it while I was back in Florida, it would always backfire on her when I spoke up, got to the point where me and the boyfriend stopped speaking to each other.
She ended up getting pregnant with his child and I whole heartily congratulated them and everything.
Lately since I’ve been back in Florida, I’ve been calling once a day when I don’t have work or while work was slow, during the days I had work the call didn’t last long and on the days I had off a argument would start cause she didn’t want me on the phone for more then a hour, hour timeframe would start cussing at me and yelling at me and the kids to get off the phone cause my voice was annoying her or a slew of other reasons.
There’s a lot more but this is already a full book haha
Now granted,
I’ve been spotty on child support but I’ve given her a entire paycheck in some cases and always made my best effort to pay her, I was a monster to her in the beginning our relationship 9 years ago, I’ve started as much arguments as she has in the past 8 years and I’ve made more mistakes I can make up for and I’m still making small mistakes so this comment I wrote isn’t something to make me look like a great person with the devil ex.
But I never wanted the kids to go through this cause my father was put in the same exact situation I’m in now but the difference is he walked away completely,
I’ve always done everything to make that something that my kids would never go through, I want to be a father, I’ve never wanted anything more but the facts are that everything other the intentions I had, I’m absent in my kids lives just like my father,
I’ve gone above and beyond to make sure I stay apart of my kids lives but through this whole process I completely understand why people give up.
For the past 3 years I don’t leave the house except for work, I don’t have friends, I haven’t had a relationship, I barely take care of myself cause I’m completely exhausted from all the shit going on in my head managing my mental health and sustaining myself,
But this year I’m finally recovering from the relationship with my ex, I’m getting my mental state under control and going to the gym, I’m working my ass off to afford bringing the kids down for the summer and I’m actively trying co-parenting with the mother,
It’s not easy, and it has done a lot of damage to me and the kids but when I see how happy they are when I call, it makes it all worth it.
So if you read this, you can be strong, stubborn and push through the impossible situation till it gets better,
Or you can let go and come back later,
but whatever your decision is you need to be in the kids lives eventually no matter what.
If you fight through it’s gonna be harder then leaving( for you and the kids) but the kids will appreciate it and your more likely to have a lasting relationship with them in the future.
If you leave and come back it’ll be easier on y’all initially but most likely coming back is gonna harder then leaving, even harder as more time passes.
But no matter what I believe you should never leave the kids completely forever, this will break a part of them and it’ll be unrepairable, leaving will hurt them but it’s repairable as long as you come back or stay in contact.
That’s my story, it’s a long read and I appreciate you if you’ve taken the time to read through it all, this is the first time I’ve done something like this but this article resonated with me so I did it and I hope it helps atleast one person out.
I was a fully involved father and left work in 2018 to raise my children, financially it was possible. I spent every day, cooking cleaning, and ready activities, and took them to school, I even found the school, and applied to school. I would read every night I would put both kids to bed, and read to my daughter poetry and chess, and my son. Overnight allegations removed me from the home, then she applied for a non-molestation order, which in the UK is a restraining order. Without evidence. Since January I have 6 nights a month the kids stay over and 4 hours on Wednesday. I have spent £45,000 on legal, it’s been 8 months. My daughter continues to request more time and my son is now coming to the age where he also is. My circumstances have not changed, the solicitors tell me court is in 1 year’s time. Every young man on this planet who is growing up to be a father must realise they have fewer rights in the legal system than humanity assumes them. Now I am hit with child maintenance which means the fewer nights the kids stay with me, the more money she gets. Hence the incentive is not to have the children stay with me. As a father, i don’t have a choice but to pay a legal system large sums of money and spend 2 years in a legal battle to see my children more. Why does the law give vindictive mothers this type of control and power? These mothers are a law firm’s dream, whilst the kids suffer.
Dave, life is long and your relationship with your kids will go through certain stages whether for the divorce, or an illness, or, say, if anything happens to them… There’s no one way of living, no one way of raising children. So this is a personal belief issue that you may wish to explore: let go of any fixed concept of ‘ideal time’ you think you ‘should’ spend with the kids. The sooner you stop focusing on what you haven’t got and start focusing on what you have, the sooner you regain composure.
Secondly, allow yourself to run out of money/ energy to fight. Your kids will not notice if you spend half of the month or one day a month- what they will notice is that you stick around all way through their childhood and beyond- the long haul.
They won’t analyse who did whom wrong over the years because when young, their concept of justice/ fair/ bs/ manipulation etc isn’t formed yet to allow them think and act to situations that they don’t experience- there’s a lack of abstract. They then soon reach teenagehood and start obsessing about themselves. So the point here is that parents gradually drift from centre anyway.
So how do you ensure that your kids will still talk to you when they are middle age?
That’s the question. That’s the task.
Look after yourself, put down boundaries for the solicitors- if the monies spent cause you stress, stop spending. It’ll feel like jumping off a cliff- and you do, metaphorically. But you’ll grow from the experience. Wrap up with a consent order- settle both finance and contact: put your offer on the table and relax into it- you don’t need a solicitor to present the figures or your thoughts on your behalf- judges are unfortunately humans- they are biased and if they want to support you, they will. Vica versa, if a judge doesn’t relate to you, they won’t listen to your plea, no matter how good your legal team is.
Your legal team was super important at the beginning but if after 45k you’re still nuts with the stress of it all with no solution on the horizon any time soon, it’s time to reevaluate.
This is England ( I bet you’re caught up in the English family court nightmare, I recognise the pattern) so litigation is archaic and inefficient.
Why does the law allow unequal aftermath? Because the parents cannot work it out between themselves.
Not every divorcing couple ends up in this mess. It’s only the parents who need protection from the other party.
Let me bust a myth right here: you’re alone. So fight it like a champion taking it on the chin as you go along, or pull out lick wounds- or go with any of the million other alternatives in between- live according to your values, and take this as a wonderful opportunity to learn.
To learn about yourself, that is. Worry about what you can control. If you think you have, say, 7 years and 200k to give it an honest shot- do it, and enjoy the ride. Enjoy the crumbs. If you get what you want- well done. If not, still well done for trying although be prepared that no matter the outcome, it’s the journey that can make you or break you. It’s the journey.
I went through twelve years and around forty (!) hearings trying to maintain a relationship with my son, against an insane mother, who had a senior family court judge as a family friend and a limitless legal supply. I’d done nothing wrong except split up with her. No affair, no abuse, no mistreatment. But that didn’t matter to her, she was determined to see our son as her weapon. While the proceedings were in process, my son and I were allowed a regular relationship. Everytime they stopped, so would the contact. The orders mean nothing against malicious mothers. She would just ignore them. The court constantly refused to enforce the contact orders, if I tried they would award costs agains me. Cafcass were either on her payroll or just manhaters. By most reports, probably the latter.
Eventually she relocated him three hundred miles away, threw him into boarding school to keep her daddy (and no doubt Justice Coleridge) happy, then she moved back to London! Abandoned him as is the upper class way, which I always despised. Of course at the relocation hearing, she and her crooked judge and pet cafcass officer lied and lied and lied. She had a job there. He would be happy there. He would have a new life there at a day school. All bullshit. Of course the corrupt family court rubberstamped it and by doing so wrecked mine, my son’s and my daughter’s lives. Lost career, child, relationship and will to live.
Bankrupted me, broke me. When I tried to keep up contact, his mother’s family turned to violence – I was regularly attacked on the way to arranged contact by hired thugs, then my son wouldn’t be on the train. I spiralled deeper into depression, wasn’t capable of keeping up that level of effort. Today my daughter and I have seen my son, her brother, for two weeks in five years. All communication is blocked. We don’t know where he lives, we don’t know how he is. My first born son, loved by me and his sister, just taken.
Of course we miss him like mad. But cafcass and the uk family court regularly dispose of fathers and ruin children. Perhaps one day he’ll come back, perhaps he won’t, perhaps they’ll be nothing left for him to come back to, there’s not much left now really because of this process.
Some mothers are just plain evil. But Carfcass and the Family Court are worse.
Long story short, I have a baby daughter she turns 2 in 3 weeks.
Me n the father of our child. Lived together just had our baby doing good. 4/ 5 months after baby was born, his mother had moved in, she’s a mess, Opioid addiction drinks alot alcohol,
One night she abused me. Had broken nose, black swollen eyes. He did nothing to help. When I got the chance I took our baby girl an her bag and I left, put avo on her to protect us both. Went through housing got a house and raised our baby daughter by myself, despite him not helping me that night, I put aside the issue n hurt, an for our daughters sake, I still kept in contact with him and allowed him to still see his daughter just organise it with me.. he made very little effort, no support or help from him…. after a whole year he finally began to come around and see our daughter a bit more often, and then one day he took advantage at that, and he just took her and he left. I chased down car begging him to stop. After a couple days he sends me a message saying just relax yeah, he will and is going to return our baby girl, … but he never did instead he blocked my messages, calls, avoided any contact. Police can’t do nothing as no court orders, so I tried n tried to plead with him but couldn’t get through to him. He goes to work and my baby girl is left alone with his crazy not straight violent mother…. it’s wrong. It has now been just about 8 months since I have seen my baby girl, not even a photo nothing, nothing at all no updates about her welfare either, I’ve tried everything and no one has gotten back to me about her welfare nothing. I honestly can’t even explain how much hurt pain, I have been in…. there’s just no words…. it has taken me sooo long just to write this I kept crying all over the phone :( I worry about how what he has done is effecting her psychologically emotionally, mentally :(
I got a family lawyer an been doing what I can to get a court listing to get her back.
I have the standard every other weekend schedule. I recently re filed to get child support adjusted and ask for some minor changes to get more time with my kids. Im asking for every other week in the summer and to be the primary point of contact for a sitter over a couple hours. My ex is fighting hard and has even decided to get a guardian ad lidium. My oldest hates going back and forth and gets high anxiety but cannot tell me why, nor can she tell her therapists, however it’s somehow my fault. My youngest sometimes fights with my step daughter and they both get bruises but my kid has trauma for it instead of hey they are kids who sometimes fight. The system sucks. I agreed with the.currenr situation because I had no family to help with 50/50 and knew as well as my attorney that we wouldn’t get that. My ex tries to put an abusive light on me, even though there is no truth. It has caused me a lot of depression and anxiety over losing my kids because my ex left on an assumption and it feels like she is not co parenting even though she says she is. I feel very manipulated at times. I would never wish divorce on my worst enemy as it affects fathers more then people want to admit, especially the loving ones.
I am lucky to live in a state that believes in true equality. Still, I never signed up to raise my kid as a divorced parent. I almost decided against having kids because the thought of a divorce some day would create a problem that can not be solved and unfortunately I was right.
Just as I get used to my daughter being at my house for a week she then leaves and goes to her mom’s house for a week. It’s not worth it. While i wish I had never had a child, I now I can’t imagine my life without her, oh wait, this is her mom’s week so I guess I will get to experience just that. Every meaning event her mom and mom’s family attend. They act like they want to be my friend when they were the one throwing out false abuse allegations when the divorce was announced. Because of my daughter I’ll never be rid of them. I avoid most events but am not looking forward to deciding if I will go to graduation and weddings etc.
It’s like an eternal purgatory as my daughter comes and goes from my home every week or as I drag myself to some important event in her life that I’d rather not be experiencing in this new life where I find myself awake and succeeding for no meaningful reason no reason at all.
I’m reading all of these parent issues from father perspective and most of them answer themselves why yhe father is in the situation they are in. As a women who went thru hell with a man if they guy was a good father the mother wouldn’t take the time to “keep the child safe”. It’s really really not worth it for them to hold the negative energy. You did something messes up and just wnat to validate its being untrue by writing messages like it some how makes it real the abuse you have dished out is some how non exsitant. I have befriended every ex relationship. But I cam not co parent with my kids father. For many reasons he still tries to sexually harass and rape. Me voluntarily giving him any info on the child is interpreted as me wanting something to do with him. Everything is always some over dramatic scene of being hyper fake to the point you have to act like he is a God of sorts for existing or he hints at old abuse and him knowing he just stabbed a wound that will never heal just for fun.
So yeah when you were an abuser and still are women tend to not want to conversate I’m sure he isn’t the only one of the bunch like this.
You agreed to less than 50/50 because you had no one to help you? And yet there are plenty of women who have 50% or more and have no help. This is the issue with dads right here. When given the opportunity to step up, they don’t. Then they blame that on everyone else.
Hi. I had my son’s custody for 4 years after divorce. Then the state circled me with liars. My son was removed from my care after a bizarre incident they created where I was dragged from my car to a hospital and then said to have been a danger to him because of my dangerous mental health, just suddenly one day out of the blue. All the social workers were happy to corroborate the nonsense an unknown agent for the state just made up and made an affadavit about. Now my son is mostly quiet and lives with his mom, which probably sounds fine except she is not really sharing time or answering the phone, which is not good for his development compared to how well he did in my care. I got my son a phone but he got talked out of using it or something, there is no response at this time. I keep trying an tried to remain available on email but it’s not working. I live outside America now. What kind of culture does this? The answer is one that does not have the best interests of families in mind as much as the best interests of control of humans like they are cattle.
I never wanted children, and when my ex cheated on me I was devastated but moved on. When we found out she was pregnant I honestly didn’t believe it was mine at first as I had gotten a vasectomy previously. She had decided to stay with that guy and raise the child that they believed was theirs. Unfortunately a DNA test proved the child was mine. I never wanted children and I cannot imagine a worse father then me. So I did what anyone in my position would do and emptied my bank account and gave it to her. Then I attempted suicide twice in an effort for her to collect about 400000 in life insurance but again I failed. I cannot see a future where I raise children while also doing something meaningful for the world or at least being happy. I will continue to make attempts but it’s hard to take that final step. I feel as if it’s the right thing to do because I am fortunate enough to have a life insurance that covers suicide without any loss of payment. I wish I had a choice in whether she kept it or not at the beginning.
My situation is such that my sons father had 2 kids coming 2 months apart. He chose to marry her. L wasn’t bitter. He claimed paternity through child welfare, but he and his family moved out of state. My son is now 43 yrs old, and is doing a wonderful job co-parenting his only 3 yr old son. But, during a recent conversation, I now realize how hurt my son is by not knowing his father. I guess I feel guilty for not finding/reaching out to his father to force some type of relationship with his 1st son. But, I didn’t want to be meddling (I believe the wife never knew of my son) and I felt his father knew how to find us through mutual friends. Well, since finally becoming a Grandma in my 60’s and the new knowledge of my son’s feelings, I looked his father up and reached out. But he has not responded after 2 months. I didn’t mention that he’s a grandfather and I haven’t told my son that I have made contact with his father. But, I do feel bad for my son, but, at least he’definitely is not going to abandon his son. Thanks for allowing me a bit of release.
Don’t be so sure your son will not abandon his son, because I thought the same after raising my son without his father in the picture, he was and still is a drug addict. My son whom was my ride or die after he became an adult. A man whom on the outside looked like he had the world right where he wanted it. About 18 months ago he came home and told the mother of his three sons my precious grandsons, 2, 5 and 8 they had to leave. My son is angry, mean and has no contact with them or me. He found a women, shall we call her the devil’s spawn whom we can contact. She has things to say like he wishes he never had children, he wishes we were all dead, I’m a terrible mother for siding with the ex for letting them stay with me when he first put them out. I did not and have not sided with anyone except 3 wonderful little boys. Their relationship was a toxic mess, I now know more then I want to know about their mothers personality and things my son told me during their 10 years together. And also somethings I’ve learned about my sons past behavior I wish I wouldn’t have learned. I have went to his job and spoke to him a few times he’s angry, talked about suicide said he can’t deal with any of this. He realizes his new relationship is equally toxic but has no where to go due to the amount of child support he pays. After all this rambling I believe the hurt he felt as a child built up and he has lost his mind. I can’t help but think some or all of this is my fault for not addressing his feelings as a child because I myself was abandoned by my mother so thats just how things are. My eldest grandson is struggling and acting out stealing from family, disrupting his classroom and talking about hurting himself. Now I realize this is a cycle and I will do whatever I have to do to help my grandsons from continuing this heartbreaking cycle.
Men, grow the F up! If you are willing to have sex with a woman you should be willingly to bear the consequences of the outcome. My father never wanted to have kids, he absolved himself if all responsibility for me . Each time I see him he will tell/remind me of how he never wanted me and how it is my mother’s fault. Seriously (1) why does he need to remind me that he did not want me. I already live with the pain of it (2) if he was willing to F$&k my mother and this is the outcome , he needs to suck it up and own it rather than blame my mother. No-one forced him to have sex with my mother who was considerably younger than him.
I have never asked my father for anything, not even when I was struggling financially and now choose to give up on trying to have a relationship with him, trying so hard to be liked by him ……it’s over, an honest waste of my time.
Walking away from your child is cowardly option. Giving up on them is simply pitiful. Men need to ‘own’ their s$&t, suck it up and do whatever it takes to let your child know they are wanted by the father. The damage if not doing so is devastating.
Six months after my daughter was born(she’s 12 now), her mother packed up her stuff and disappeared along with our kid. I was instantaneously put $2000+ dollars in debt with child support and ordered to pay $300 a month. Tried to lie and say I was abusive and neglectful(which I wasn’t) and tried to have me on supervised visits but the judge didn’t buy any of her lies and gave me two weekends a month with my daughter. Her mother jumped from guy to guy to guy to guy, has been married twice now and now has another kid with her current husband. What pisses me off is that the father of her second kid is 100% in his son’s life as they are married and live together obviously, but what she gives to him she never gave to me and what I did have got taken away from me almost from the start. My daughter’s mom has demonized me to almost everybody she knows and it makes for awkwardness every time I would go to her birthday parties. My opinions and feelings have never really mattered and I have been on my own when it comes to fighting for my right as a father to be a father. I have been laughed and mocked even by my own family when ever I attempt to assert my parental rights. My daughter does not respect me or take me seriously whenever I attempt to parent her. If the US family court system doesn’t change, our country is in for a very rude awakening.
Sounds like it’s you who needs to grow up, Mariam. If a man has sex with a woman, does the woman not also share responsibility in having the sex too? Or are all women having sex against their will? Children need their fathers as well as their mothers, plain and simple. Sure, there are POS fathers who have no interest in being a father, but in my experience, the men who actually want to be a loving father to their children far outnumber those. It sounds like you’re using what you’ve been through against all men.
This little girl clearly is stating all men are the same and doesn’t have a clue.
You are speaking as a daughter and is obvious that you’re hurt. Forgiveness is necessary. My kids have their own point of view and opinion in the matter which they are entitled to, however standing up to the situation physically speaking is hazardous to the kids and in order to avoid that hazard to the kids it’s best to pray and walk away.
Thank you for this article. My fiancé is currently experiencing this and to say that it is heart wrenching is an understatement. His loves kids more than life and his ex-wife is using that as a malicious tool for self gain. Prior to meeting him I didn’t realize just how broken the family court system is and how many men are victims. My fiancé’s ex-wife provided false allegations to the court that allowed her to relocate half ways across the country, and will now consistently tell the kids and complain to him about not ‘being there’ for them. While they were married he paid all of the house hold bills and handled most of the logistics for their kids but now he’s on child support as though he was an absent dad. She has attempted to collect child support in two states (she was receiving child support through income withholding from the state where they were divorced, but lied to the current state she lives in). Her actions caused a fraudulent report on my fiancé credit report which subsequently caused him to lose his clearance for his job, along with a 200 point drop in his credit score. Trying to maintain in his children’s lives is becoming mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unbearable. I wouldn’t wish this trauma on my worst enemy. I’m praying daily for all of the fathers that are experiencing explorative fatherhood. It’s not right and inhumane.
I would very much like to talk to the father in this article. My situation is identical and I don’t know what to do. I know my life is no longer a happy one.
Mine too man. Reading it gave me strength knowing I’m not alone. I was forced to make the personal decision to walk away a year ago. And just like him tried to rectify matters after my son faked an illness from school just to be able to call me.
Why is this article on a site aimed at single mothers in pain?
It breaks my heart for my kids. Why don’t you want to send time with them. You blame everyone but you. It’s your problem and I will never get it. The day I had both my kids the love so much. Will I be good enough my baby the best person ever. He never felt that way. Always will say I love them. Never to show the love for them even when we were together. I think it’s wasn’t about him anymore so he won’t take care of doctors therapy anything never involved. Still to this day. We haven’t been together in 10 year. Why can’t my kids have a dad. Why can he not care about them. Truly the loves of my life. But why!!!!!
My situation is that I’m the father, and my sons mother will not allow us to have a relationship other than me paying child support and the occasional FaceTime. I was with my son every single day of his life until his mother decided she wanted to play the field. She was coached by aggressive masculine women to try and get supervised visits and go after me for child support. Our relationship is being legally destroyed despite having a parenting plan she will not abide by, I’ve been denied for going on 5 years now by every single lawyer I’ve contacted. When I lived near my son I was making 11 dollars an hour and homeless with a full time job, paying 750 a month in child support made it impossible for me to have a normal life and retain my home, Eccles and basically everything else I owned that my ex did not either give away or sell without my consent and there are no repercussions for what she’s doing. She is legally ripping us apart from eachother and no one will do anything about it because she is a woman. The court system is extremely sexist. I’m at the point I’m debating on relinquishing my parental rights as I honestly don’t even have any as I stand. I’m looked at as nothing more than a paycheck for her. When I lived near my son I’d have to get hotels when he was able to visit, which further hurt my financial situation, but I just wanted to see my boy. She’s had domestic abusers living in the house with him, I’ve reported it, nothing has been done because she’s the mother she can basically do whatever she wants. She doesn’t abide by the parenting plan, I’ve reported it, nothings happened other than me being punished more by the mother. It’s statistically proven that children growing up without fathers are detrimentally impacted in a hugely negative way, and still the courts won’t do anything other than force me to pay his mother more and more and more. I pay 750 a month, was homeless for two years and still made sure anytime she allowed us to have a visit, usually when she went to the bars and couldn’t find a sitter, that I had everything he needed. She wouldn’t even buy him a Halloween costume. Incredibly selfish and self centered. We live in an extremely sexist unfair world at the moment. It’s unfortunate that I’m considering a dead beat dad when I’ve clearly tried to be in my sons life and have been denied to be by the mother and the court system enabling and incentivizing her to ruin my son and my relationship. Good luck fellas. Not much can be done unfortunately
I’m in the exact situation. They label me as a deadbeat not looking at the fact I have other children that I raise perfectly. My ex denied me of a relationship with my daughter her entire life. I tried to see her and be here in her life but her mother refused to let me or my family. My mother was told that it I was at her house then my daughter wasn’t allowed to visit. My mother told her that that’s his daughter and she will not tell me I can’t see when she visits her. So my ex stop allowing my parents to see her and refused to give anyone pictures afterwards. She was 9yrs old then. Today she’s 22 and we still can’t contact her because her mother still refuses to give us information on how. This poor girl have siblings that she doesn’t know and I’m sure she feels I just don’t want to be in her life. This is so far from the truth but her mother has turned her against us. At one point I even stop paying support knowing they would take me to court. I was hoping that my daughter would be there along with her mother and I be able to see her. She wasn’t and I told the judge the situation but of course the court didn’t care to hear me. So since I wasn’t allowed to be her father outside of paying support….I stopped paying and told child support that if she not allowing me and my family to see her then I won’t pay. Needless to say that I’ve been back and forth to jail for this for years. I got tired of it and started paying again. Even though my daughter is grown and I no longer have an active support. I owe my ex arrears in which she collects and still don’t accept my calls and pleas for a way to contact my daughter. I’m still hoping that she will try and contact me now that’s she’s grown in college somewhere. I’ve tried looking on the internet for social media pages to no avail. I’m sure her mother has turned her against me but I really want the chance to tell my daughter my side and let her decide if she don’t want me in her life. I feel your pain and it’s not fair because some of us want to be in our children life and not deadbeats.
wow, that sounds horrible. There are some disgusting women out there who just see their kids as objects to weaponize.
I understand that this is one persons opinion piece but I have so many reservations based on my own experiences. My ex unfortunately left when our son was 6 months old to be with his admin assistant. He expressed at the time that he didn’t want joint custody and as time progressed his visits to see our son got less and less. Toe and half years down the track he sees him only once a fortnight for a night, the last two visits my son hasn’t wanted to go. I guess I’m writing this comment to put out the argument that not all single mums try to alienate their exes from their children. Some fathers choose a new life and the children get pushed aside. I actually came here to read about a fathers perspective and get some insight into how I can support my son. However after reading this I find it isn’t my responsibility to facilitate a relationship between my ex and his son.
Christie,
The first thing I noticed is that you are viewing this strictly from a gender-based perspective with respect to your situation. This was written by a man on the opposite side so you immediately go on the defensive.
The second thing I noticed is that you point out the failure in your relationship. This is irrelevant to the parent-child relationship. You don’t state why the visits changed to what they were, nor do you make any mention of what agreement you had aside that he didn’t want joint custody. You don’t need to make the argument that not all single mothers alienate their child/ren’s father. It is already assumed the exes are deadbeats so alienation is the exception, not the rule.
When you are granted custody, which you haven’t mentioned any court involvement, it is your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between your son’s father and your son (Notice I didn’t say your ex). You aren’t doing this for him. You are doing this for your son. It isn’t required that you force a relationship, but to encourage one and point out the benefits. Help your son with understanding and he will eventually make his own informed decision. He will see your kindness and know that you tried if that’s the case. If you put up a cold shoulder, it becomes less practical for him to accept what you tell him as truth. Provide a balanced approach.
I am one of those mothers who wanted desperately for my daughter’s father to be involved. I tried to make it as easy as I could. After I told him I was pregnant he did everything short of telling me to get an abortion but a week before she was born he decided he wanted to be involved. He was with us for a month before he moved home, an hour away and went back to work. We agreed he’d be back with us every weekend. I was ok with this even though we weren’t together anymore. I was looking for more than he could give me so if he wanted to just be dad then great. I told him he could do things his way as long as it worked and she was happy. Unless it was a safety issue I let him figure it out on his own. I thought he was doing a good job. Unfortunately he thought weekend meant only the weekends he felt like coming but I had already started relying on him for things to work. He came and went as he pleased and often vowed to do better. When I would remind him of his responsibility he stared attacking me as a person and a mother. My daughter is 11 months now and nothing has changed and infact hes gotten worse. One minute he’s great and the next minute he’s a no show and I’m an incompetent mother if I can’t manage alone. Nothing I say gets through. I’ve avoided all the bad stuff women do to alienate fathers because I didn’t want it to be my fault he wasn’t around. I made his time here as stress free and harmonious as I could and he’s still a no-show. The only way he wants to see her now is if I meet him half way so he can take her to his house for the weekend but she’s still nursing and I don’t think she’s ready. He refuses to research infant development and has a hard time managing with my help so how can I just leave her? He also doesn’t have a single baby item at his house, no clothes, no diapers, no furniture. I can’t be the only one experiencing this. These men are still out there thinking its the women’s job to do all the hard work and they can just come by and play with them and go home while thinking their great father’s. I’m baffled.
My story is different. My husband of 35 years left us for his therapist. One adult daughter is disgusted and wants nothing to do with him. Ok. That’s her choice, but our other daughter reaches out to him all the time and gets very little in return. As the years pass he pulls away further and further away and its breaking her heart. I have nothing to do with their relationship but I wonder why he is doing this. Does anyone have any ideas?
Me, me, me. Nothing about the child or making any decision in the child’s best interests. Very telling on many levels.
Close your mouth until you know how to read. And be honest. Your disgusting dismissal of his words in which he laments what is best for his child AND the 3 different resources describing what is best for the child proves you’re absolutely nothing but a liar. You are not to be trusted by anyone ever. Stop sharing your disgusting hate. Your words and the vessel from which they came are utterly worthless.
She probably reminds him of you and all the negative thoughts and emotion that go with that.
My ex fiancee & I had a daughter. One month later she broke up with me & 3 months later she moved 3 states away with her mother ( who which got divorced from her father after 31 years). It is a shame that I feel I have to justify myself, but I never have done anything wrong to anyone. My ex fiancee didn’t want me at all to be involved with my daughter. She didn’t want child support or nothing because that would mean I would have some or little rights to my daughter. Also, she knew I did not have the financial means for a lawyer to try to stop her. It is really sad and heartbreaking for me. I seen her born, been a parent basically for one month, & that is it. My ex fiancee came back to visit her father for a week a few times early on. She would only let me see her for merely an hour. I would feel so uncomfortable, sad, not myself because she and a friend would be hovering over me like I was some predator. Then that went by the way side. She would come back to visit her father and not even bother telling me because she knew I would want to see my daughter. Even if it was for a merely hour. Last time I actually seen my daughter when she was 1 and a half. She turns 18 next week.
There are lots of layers to all this. My ex fiancee has been married twice since she broke up with me (3 times total). Her mother is very influential in her life. Sun rises and falls on her. The both of them are doing everything in their power to keep my daughter away from me. To this point it is working (unfortunately). Year and half ago I got a letter from my daughter. It was not a ringing endorsement. She called me by my name, she doesn’t feel like I am a dad, a dad would make time for their kids, & missing out on her 1sts. She also stated she resents my last name. I have not visited her because I do want to be excused of something I did not do. Her mother and her mom would go to that extreme. Lots of people say someday she will want to be in your life. I don’t believe it because the evidence does not show it. I sincerely hope I am wrong.
Man, that’s heartbreaking to read and I feel for you.
That’s very unfortunate. She’s the last thing tying him to a part of his life he no longer wants anything to do with. I suppose it’s a case of the good having to suffer for the bad, where there isn’t necessarily a “bad” actor, just the polarizing differences between your two daughters. He wants nothing to do with this family and wants to be left alone. I suppose you’ll have to look into yourself to find what it is about you that he detests so much that he doesn’t even want to be around his daughter where he would have to deal with it.
I’m the mom of 3, but their father found a new wife and together they did this to me. They strategized and spent thousands and thousands to keep the babies from me. I have nothing. I can’t eat or sleep or work and I have no resources. I’m losing it. I’m really losing it. I feel so much pain for these men. I always feared this pain being a part of their lives so I avoided court I avoided taking action against him when he was abusive. He has always been able to convince people, even people who watched him hurting me, that I’m a problem. That he’s kind and normal and I’m loud and scattered and angry. And no one asks why. I have struggled and struggled to maintain my composure. The violations of my rights and promises made to me get worse and worse until I put my foot down and insist on better and then I’m crazy. Yes I’ve modulated. I’ve watched my tone. I’ve recorded it all. I never had a hope. From the moment I agreed to become a sahm he had me. God has stood me up. There’s no justice just entropy. Endless destruction and for what??
Getting romantically involved with a patient is both unethical and illegal, the therapist should face consequences from their licensing board and can be looked up on sites depending on the state theyre licensed in (ie: google “psychologist/mft number look up)”). There’s even a book called “a therapist should never sleep with their patient” for this explicit purpose. It is seen as predatory and manipulative since the therapist holds such a powerful position in their patient’s life and is an authority who can influence them significantly. The therapist may have even been part of the reason for the failing of the relationship if they were influencing them with their own malicious agenda or bringing their own wounded psyche to the session(unresolved issues of their own). I wouldnt say this for other forms of adultery ie: someones secretary, but having worked in the field, your ex may very well be a victim as well, which is why i encourage you report it to their respective board, who knows how many people this therapist has affected and potential future victims. Im technically obligated to report them myself, if i have a name, by my own board, which of course i don’t. It’s not vindictive to report them even as an ex, the therapist is breaking a VERY serious law.(as a side note a therapist CAN sleep with a patient after 2 years of not being their therapist, not having contact with them, andcareful consideration from their board).
Sounds similar to my situation. His children from previous marriage are adults who will have nothing to do with him. First wife I’m sure alienated him from the kids. When we went through our divorce my step daughter who had given him a chance when she was 15 (came and lived with us) now has cut him out of her life. My daughter who is 16 now has been getting less and less time with him as of when he received his settlement money. He didn’t even contact her on her birthday recently. I never said a bad thing about her dad and was supportive of her visits with him… never pried….bought presents for him (and his gf!) at birthdays and Christmas. As for him…He lied consistently under oath during divorce and repeatedly told me the divorce was my fault even though he’s the one cheating …delusional … so all signs point to narcissist.
I only have contact (which is few and far between) with him through texting so there’s no fighting and lies. If your ex is like that… let him drift away. When a person like that tells you who they are… believe them.
Despite what you’ve read about men being misrepresented in custody situations… some men are deadbeats and your child needs you to show them how a woman should be treated and how to stand up for herself and not accept this poor behaviour.
Good luck.
Last fall my partner and coparent had a breakdown of sorts and took off with all the kids, who didn’t want to leave.. they wouldn’t communicate with me and I knew the kids weren’t really being taken care of and were at the mercy of their meeting mom’s triggered state. All fall I did my best to navigate things with her and legal people and stuff but it was a losing battle. I was just the enemy and couldn’t see the kids. I’d like to mention here that unfortunately due to a life of hardship and trauma, she has complex PTSD and as a result there were many times I was seen as a threat just because I was frustrated at something. I felt I was a bit of a support person to her a lot of the time but now that she was basically living in her PTSD, which is how she worded it, it was worse than impossible to work with her. Eventually on Thanksgiving I was alone, and even though I was doing well by choice in life, I did not have her OR MY KIDS in my life and I wasn’t in Thiers, and I had a hole in my chest. I decided then that no matter what, from that moment forward I was going to work with their mom first and foremost, excluding all others and their opinions. I placed the experience of my children’s mom as most important and became willing to listen to and hear whatever they had to say and accept their feelings. It was not easy. I had to stay upright in life just to be seen as valuable in the first place and then I had to take whatever opportunities I got to communicate in a new different style. Communication happened more and more. I didn’t argue, I said ok a lot, I said sorry a lot. I said how I felt about the most important things like needing to be in the kids’ life and not wanting her to be scared or stressed and that I would work with her no matter what it took. It was a hard winter. She and most of the kids stayed in a motel. I helped with money and meals. Then in December she became pregnant from a “fling” but the guy she hooked up with was a dishonest person. Either way I told her I would be honored to be the dad of any of her kids. I just worked so hard to be there for her. Eventually with this dedication and a little pleading she heardy thoughts and became open to a future together. We became more functionally relatable again. And I helped her start her new life. She decided to stay in town and I got to maintain dadhood with the kids. We are not in a relationship at this point but now we can be around each other in front of our kids and I have way more room to move forward in a way that might bring us all together again someday. I know I was “in the right” a lot of the time through this but I know accepting my partner’s experience as real and acting like I actually cared how she felt and what she thought was the right thing to do. It takes a lot of understanding and patience and unconditional love to hear someone be upset at you mostly because of abuse they sustained before they met you and to not take it personally or let it affect how you think of the person. I know sometimes it seems like the mom is an unfair gateway to the kids but she also is thier mom and has her own experience. And if the dad shows some priority to receiving it, it just seems like oil t an engine. Maybe needed sooner than later. By it worked for me even after it all seemed over for my family.
What’s the point of writing anything? Seriously. I’m a dad who hasn’t seen his oldest daughter in 4 years. The ex did a “job” (mental) on her and destroyed our relationship.I took her (ex) to court about five years ago and came out paying more and seeing my daughter less.
I have two younger kids and 1 is special needs. The judge refused to consider the added cost to take care of my special needs son.
What I’ve learned through all of this is to lean into the pain. Toughen yourself and keep going (left. Right. Left). There are other people who depend on you. You have a responsibility to them as well.
Life ain’t fair brother! But guess what…it beats the alternative. Soldier on dads.
I’m a fantastic father of 4 girls I was before the divorce and still after part time. As the Dad I have to battle everyday just to keep going and do the right thing. While the ex lies, steals, defrauds,breaks court orders and turns the girls against me. I have to prove I’m a saint and she can do no wrong in everyones eyes. I’m crippled with court costs but morally I have to try all I can. It is hopeless and I can’t remember the last time I was happy. It’s so unfair. I can see why people give up. I know I’m on a hiding to nothing but need them to understand I did all I could. People tell me your a great father all the time the court will see that but so far they haven’t. The system is broken.
I too am a mother of a son whose father and new partner conspired to take my baby from me. False allegations and stole my money by intimidating me and no one and nothing to protect me. It’s unbearable to pass my son back and forth between this conflict. I loved the father immensely and I don’t know why he has done any of this. He stopped taking to my two older children who he fathered for 6 years. It’s hell. I’m a mess. I live in fear of having my boy taken. I’m traumatised by the court system. I’m facing letting my son go just so I can heal from this. Who can know what is right? Every single situation is so unique even when there a patterns of similarity. I haven’t eaten or slept properly in a year. I can’t believe that a mother could carry and birth a child, feed it and care for it for 3 and a half years and have it ripped from her arms because someone found a younger lover.
Your missing the point of the article. He talks specifically about those like you who have that “soldier on” mentality. When your faced with evil and trust me man it exists, sometimes your left with no choice but self preservation!
You are a saint. I’m with you but some times the ego and self preservation gets in the way but then I think if it’s not me who knows who the kids will be subjected to
READ IF INTERETED IN A TALE OF KARMA
Custodial parent raised two children alone since was mentally, spiritually and financially well-rounded. One day after working a 12-hr shift, the custodial parent returned home to a flooded apartment deemed unhabitual. Custodial parent lost job shortly afterward due to stress.
The insurance payout from the flood was running low and it was back to school time and the children’ birthdays. The custodial parent had just signed an agreement for a new job but had not started receiving income yet.
The custodial parent reached out to the non-custodial parent, who lived 5min away and had a poor relationship with the children, and asked for help with back to school and explained how they have nothing. The non-custodial parent advised the custodial parent and children to come over.
Once the custodial parent knocked on the door, the non-custodial parent handed the custodial parent a small grocery bag with the children’s contents from inside the house. Hurt and confused the custodial parent knew then how heartless the non-custodial parent really was even though the split was 10yr prior.
The custodial parent literally shut the door in the child’s face during their time of need. Karma is real and the custodial parent witnessed that same door the non custodial shut in angels’ faces be taken from him months later through eviction. This same person proceeded to lose everything following that including looks and health from walking everywhere. But karma was not done yet. After years of not paying any court ordered child support- wage garnishment kicked in. It seemed like the worse time for the non-custodial but it a perfect timing in God’s eyes to allow non-custodial to feel the feeling of despair and helplessness he imposed on angels.
Moral of the story-continue to do good because it is seen and rewarded. If you chose to do wrong, you’re only setting the timer for harsh punishment on yourself.