Mention the fatherless epidemic in the United States, and the arguments are polarizing. We hear things like “Father refuses to see child” or “Father not involved in child’s life.” These issues can be especially thorny during the holidays.
It’s easy to fall into stereotypes about deadbeat or indifferent dads, but I discovered the issue is quite complicated:
Father not involved in child’s life? A look into why fathers walk away after divorce
It is either:
- Men are irresponsible douchebags who abandon their children to mothers, who are left to raise the children with few resources, or …
- Women are conniving, malicious, entitled nut-jobs who alienate fathers from their children while taking all said fathers' money — all of which is supported by the family court system.
However, as we unpack in this article, the real reasons are more complicated, complex and human. Men after all, are marginalized as inferior or at least secondary parents, a fact that is codified in family court when mothers are nearly always granted primary time with children — a power position that means men and dads are officially a lesser parent.
Read: My advice to moms and dads whose other parent is not involved
Why do fathers give up?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children, for reasons including:
- Sexist culture that does not value or support dads, or prime boys to grow up to expect to be involved, meaningful parts of their children's lives
- Family and divorce courts that favor mothers=
- Parental alienation, in which one parent turns the kids against the other parent
- One dad's compelling story about why he doesn't see his kids (keep reading)
- Many dads don't believe the child is theirs or were tricked into fatherhood, or otherwise felt they did not decide to father the child.
853 reader comments and counting on this post tell a story about how prevelant fatherlessness is, how passionate people feel about its reasons and results — and how varied and nuanced those reasons can be.
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How can a father walk out on his child?
After studying this issue for the four years I've had this blog, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced. Men walk out on their child for many reasons, including:
- They never wanted to be a dad in the first place but were trapped
- They have been marginalized by our culture and court system to every-other-weekend parents, which is more painful than walking away and starting a new life that promises more joy
- Conflict with the child’s mother is too difficult to navigate
- They feel unworthy of parenthood, and feel like walking away is the best thing for the child
- The father never had a strong father figure, does not feel competent as a dad nor understand how important his role is.
Not sure where your child's father is — or you are looking for your dad? TruthFinder offers background checks, reverse phone lookup, address and phone number search. A+ rating on the BBB.
A father's experience with parental alienation
What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
These stories resonate with me, as they have challenged my earlier, blind admonishments that every parent has a moral obligation to fight for their children, no matter what.
I still believe this, but I also believe in empathy, and for recognizing each other's humanity.
Here is one story from a reader, John G:
Point of view from a dad who doesn't see his child
From my own experiences, I believe it's widespread for women to use children as a weapon to exact revenge against the ex during, and after, divorce proceedings.
During my lengthy divorce, my ex-wife claimed I was abusive, that she was ‘afraid for her safety,’ and tried to get ‘supervised visitation.’
None of it worked, because it wasn’t true, and because, as an educated professional I had enough money to spend six figures on an attorney.
However, it was still a waste of time and money. Even after the divorce, the games continued.
My son was being tutored on what to say to me (did you ever hear a 7-year-old respond ‘I’m not comfortable talking about that’ when asked a question?) and being instructed to call me by my first name and not ‘dad.’ I grew tired of making phone calls that weren’t answered, or of being put on hold and the child not coming to the phone, and of canceled visits.
It was heartbreaking seeing the child slip away from me, little by little.
I went to court on several occasions. There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child.
She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’
Related: This is the real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids
Orders of protection as divorce strategy
Of the divorced, professional men that I know, all of them had orders of protection against them by their wives.
This is even a problem that is recognized by the courts. Some attorneys go so far as to admit that the ‘afraid for my safety’ issue is part of the ‘gamesmanship of divorce.’ I went from the mindset of being a father to the child, to being reduced to the status of a ‘visiting uncle’ or a ‘Disneyland dad’ allied with thinking all the time like an attorney.
I was often worried what would happen if she started to make untrue claims that I had (for example) abused the child. When he fell over and scraped his arm when he was with me, I was advised by my attorney to go to all the trouble of going to the doctor, having the scrape bandaged and so on, just to legally cover myself in case she would claim that it had in fact been intentionally caused.
While on the lookout for anything that could be used against me, all the while constantly being told I was a bad person, a bad father, and all my involvement with my son was systematically stripped away. The whole process became a painful sham.
Where to find the best, affordable life insurance for single moms (no medical exam) in 2023
Father refuses to see his child? Not quite …
I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex-wife. Others take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.
I considered all the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them. In the end, I walked away from all contact with my child more than two years ago.
What to do when the non-custodial parent doesn't show up or cancels last minute
Mother keeping child away from father
After I had calmed down, I tried again and contacted the ex. I had hoped she would have calmed down and would be willing to work with me.
But no, she is still the same bitter and vengeful baggage that she always was. Rather than attempting to discuss things and put things on the right track, she is willing to communicate in writing only.
She refuses point blank to let me contact the child. Everything has to go through her.
Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ they spout.
Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women.
Any father here who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks knows the feeling when you say goodbye.
You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The pain never really went away.
During those days, I used to recall these lines from Shakespeare's King John:
Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Logically, I have to balance the damage to myself, my life and mental health, the possibility of the conflict damaging the child, against the damage done by my absence.
People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgment, assume that this is a choice that is taken lightly and easily. It is not.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down.
Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the shoes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them.
I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now.
In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It usually works.
I spoke to my ex recently. She claims that the child is just fine. She doesn’t seem to think that I’m needed and believes that my seeing the child is a bad thing.
She told me that the gifts I had been sending postally were in a box and he never got them. What is the point of trying? Who am I to argue?
She lives with the kid and does the real parenting. All that I could do, once a month or less (she lives a long way from me) would be to visit for a shallow shared visit, a museum trip perhaps – that’s not parenting – that’s just being a Disneyland dad.
I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen.
How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life, when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible, when you are limited to four days a month contact time if you are lucky?
In far too many cases, the father is merely viewed as a source of income.
The mother is viewed as the ‘real parent’ who almost always gets physical custody of the child. And once she has the child, she is then almost entirely free of the threat of any consequences.
Related: What is parental alienation?
Impact on a child’s life when a father isn’t involved
This is a great shame for the children involved who will probably be involved in divorces of their own or be afraid of marriage because they have seen the consequences when they fail.
I shouldn’t be surprised if more and more men eschew marriage and traditional family values over the next century.
Personally, I refuse to be blackmailed by my better instincts. I refuse to be reduced to the level of a Disneyland dad by some judge, attorney, social worker or indeed his mother.
I refuse to beg for access, or beg for photographs, or ask permission when I can please take him on vacation.
No. They will have no more of me.
One day, I will be able to get in touch without going through her once the child is old enough. Until then, I intend to get on with my life.
Please listen to Terry Brennan, co-founder of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, explain why default every-other-weekend visitation leads to absentee fathers:
Note that in cases where ‘standard’ visitation is awarded — every-other-weekend — fathers become depressed and non-involved, and within 3 years, one study found, 40 percent of children in an unequal visitation arrangement had lost complete touch with their non-custodial parents, which are nearly always the father.
Have a listen:
Bottom line: Father not involved in child’s life? Try to make co-parenting work.
If you are tempted to turn your child against the other parent, or not sure what is the best kind of parenting time arrangement, keep it simple, and equal. In fact, there are now more than 60 studies that prove that equally shared parenting is best for children (and, moms and dads!).
While we're at it, have a read about why a simple, fair 50-50 shared parenting time with no child support is the best, fairest, and most feminist arrangement.
To prevent this kind of trauma, here are some tips to how to make co-parenting work:
- Accept that mothers and fathers are equal. This is a gender equality issue
- Accept that just because the other person doesn't parent like you do, that is not abuse.
- Let him fail, succeed and find his own parenting style. Many dads become better fathers after divorce because they have to.
- When communicating with him, use ‘your house' and ‘my house' … not ‘Home.' Same when you address the kids – “daddy's house” and “my house.” Both places are their homes..
- Keep him posted on matters large and small. Even if he doesn't show up for the teacher meetings, or make the doctors’ appointments, keep him abreast of what is happening with the kids.
- Buy him holiday and birthday presents on behalf of the kids.
But the bigger challenge is to change our culture, from one in which it is presumed that fathers are incompetent, and mothers are the default primary parent. Terry Brennan of Leading Women for Shared Parenting, and an equality activist. Listen to our podcast conversation:
For more on co-parenting communication, and reasons for better shared parenting, read: Co-parenting rules–even with a difficult ex
What do you think? Are you a dad who no longer sees his kids? Why? Please share in the comments …
Or, are you the mother of a child with an absentee father? What is your response?
This post challenges a cultural assumption that men willingly walk out on their children and are irresponsible, apathetic parents. Instead, we all suffer under a sexist culture and legal system that marginalizes fathers, and makes it hard if not impossible for them to be meaningfully involved with their children.
After studying this issue for years, I understand that the issue is complicated and nuanced, and there is plenty of legitimate room for both of these points of view. What I haven't reported much is the point of view from the checked-out dads, many of whom have shared with me articulate, thoughtful, and often heart-breaking accounts of why they are not part of their children's lives.
I’m a single mom of two kids age 10 and 6. There dad use to live with us and we had a normal family ups and downs nothing I would consider to be that bad. On a normal day I went to work he would get our son on the bus then take our daughter to daycare then he would go to work I would always pick the kids up.
Well this time was different I went to work he put our son on the bus took our daughter to daycare came home packed his stuff and left.
It’s been almost 3 years since any of us talked to him.
He sends them a card on there birthday and a toy, I have not given any of them to the kids because how do I explain how there dad refuses to talk to them see them but he can send them a card one time a year??
This has been so hard on my kids they are moving on but I’m sure it damaged them.
I should also mention that I have had the kids try calling him and he will not answer or return there calls this last time they tried to find out he blocked our phone number.
I wish I had answers for them.
My son would say things like let’s go find him or let’s Facebook him mom.
One day my son broke down crying on the way to school and yelled I finally understand now!! He’s not coming back!
It was so hard for me to see him upset like that and knowing he would be in school all day feeling sad.
I spent 5 years at court fighting for access, 70 thousand pound of legal aid wasted. They handle you, give you hope, and because he was born before automatic parental rights,as I wasn’t married, she even changed his name before I was awarded it,during the court process.
I’ve represented myself, did a good job, but the odds are stacked that high against you, its impossible, all I wanted was to spend a dew hours with an ice cream.
She made stories up, police visits, on one occasion, a police officer didn’t know why they were there, but asked, are you going to abduct him,, the first time in my life, I threw the police out my home, scandalous.
So he’s 20 now, not seen since he was 7,cafcass were absolutely useless, beyond belief.
I had a break down over it, ended up in hospital, the best advice was to move on, if I had won, and no one does, do you think she is going to let you see the child, it will be, he’s ill, she doesn’t want to see you, he’s busy, she’s having a party, it’s just not worth it, and that’s a terrible thing to say about a child, but that’s how it works, and you have to get your head around the insanity of it.
My advice, get your life back, take control back to some degree, and move on, the court system does not work, the solicitors are just as bad, making money,advising but not telling mothers/fathers what to say to get out of mediation etc etc etc……
Dude if you wife wont let you see your child that you had before her and actively be a good father then you should dump her on the spot. Are you kidding me right now? Not trying to be a dick but why in the hell would you want to stay married t0 a women who wont let you see your own Kid?
So my situation is a crazy one indeed, and will like any opinions given to me for real. I do have a legal counsel already before it gets asked. So when my son was born my sons mother claimed another man on the birth certificate and moved off with him like 2.5 hours away knowing full well I was his father. When my son was 6 years old she contacted me I hadn’t heard a word from her in 6 years she even blocked me on social media etc so I couldn’t find out the truth. She contacted me and said she thought he was my son and the man she had been lying about being his dad they were breaking up. She was looking for a man and didn’t want him to have rights to the kid. Her and this man also share biologically my sons younger brother together. Then my sons mother and this man got back together I never heard another word from her again. So eventually my conscience got to me. I had had enough and after a close friend passed away I had to do some soul searching. My son was 9 at this point in time. I contacted her out of the blue didn’t have a clue about what was going on in her life to say hey I have morals and a conscience I cant live with myself not knowing the truth. I have to find out once and for all if he is my son. If he isn’t then you have a nice life. But if he is then I am going to do what is right and step up and be a good father to my son. We did a dna test and it came back 99.9% probability. I am his father for sure. I finally got her to tell my son I am his biological dad and after 8 months of me being a great father and actively trying to be in his life and raise him she has completely cut me off and I haven’t talked to my son hung out with him in 280 plus days. She cut off the cell phone I bought him and even pulled him out of his taekwondo class I was paying for monthly. The first man she was with has legal rights to my son and he still goes over there every other weekend with his brother which is this guys biological kid. Now her and this man were never married thankfully or I would apparently be screwed regarding state law here in Alabama. They have since split up and she has been with another man for about 4 years now and they are married. He isn’t biologically anything to her two kids at all. He hates me and wants me completely out of the picture whatsoever. Basically threatening to divorce his wife if she lets her sons father be involved in his life. Told my son to hang up and not talk to me when I called him one day. I could go on and on with the stories about this clown. So basically they are telling me to abandon my own kid. When I this question to all of them they never have a response at all of course because it would make them look like horrible people. Yeah Brett we are telling you to abandon your kid, they would never say that obviously. Anyways my sons mother has cut me off from every form of communication with my now 11 year old son, and blocked me from any form of communication with her even got her family and friends to block me on social media etc. My sons mother also a few years back with the first man did a fraudulent paternity adjudication which I thought was under oath. The county it was in didn’t require Dna back then now they do or else they would have caught the fraud. So now I am in a nasty custody battle trying to get any rights I can to my son. She has publicly admitted I am the father I have a dna test proving this, and she let me in his life for 8 months. How do me and my lawyers not have a case here? I see no way we don’t have a case for at least some visitation. Or else the Judge would be telling me to abandon my own Kid essiantely right? I live 20 minutes away from her have a decent job at a car dealership so there is no reason I cant be actively involved in his life and help raise my son. Zero reason at all in my view.
Thank you, John G, for sharing your thoughts — they really helped me in going through the psychological hell that I’ve had for the last 8 months or so. I haven’t seen my 1-year-old baby for over a month now and, as (immensely) painful as it is, I refuse to go down the walking on eggshells which is basically meeting with his mum. I did try my best at first but noticed that every meeting was a great chance for my ex to call me a criminal , to treat me as a piece of crap (sorry), to share her vindictive statements and so on (all this because I refused to marry her). I loved your bit in the article when you say that “the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high”. Again, many thanks for being such an inspiration.
While general conclusions regarding “Ghost Dads” are correct in some circumstances, another reason may be a desire to create a situation in which the children’s life is less “divided”. Between their parents for one, but also close friends and family. Negating circumstances in which the children might feel conflicted and needing to “switch up”. Particularly during key ages when they are learning how to form and navigate relationships. This could also be combined with the shame avoidance cited as “Ghost Dads” as well as desires to “move on” and be in a “new” life. One where they are responsibly financially supportive as needed, but allow their children to also have “new” lives without the need to be “divided” and reminded of “the other”. These are all not mutually exclusive, but can all be factors together.
Navigating the awkwardness and alienation potentially engendered by divorce and “visitation” among all – not just the respective ex’s and children (friends, relatives, children’s friends, etc.) could be avoided. Creating “new lives” for all in the long-term. “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”..or one in this circumstance. This in NO way absolves or excuses the father from financial responsibilities and support.
Additionally, even in amicable divorce and settlements, one or the other ex-spouse can certainly create very intense negative “vibes” in the absence of overt verbal or action oriented actions. Something which children can certainly pick up on and potentially be affected by – which can also be avoided through absence of contact. Noting also that such lack of an ongoing relationship can be mutual between a child and father. Not actively hostile or conflicted- just non-existent by a kind of mutual consent. It is not always some “conflict”, “hatred” or similar. But, short-term unhappiness for a few, for long-term happiness for many.
It is not always this way. My ex husband could almost say the same story, however, it would be just partially true:
“There was no abuse”: Many men consider “abuse” is only hitting and assaulting. But shouting, controlling, psychological games, financial control are also abusive. My ex husband never hit me, but I was so scared of him coming home, as he was angry (shouting, saying I am careless, a money waster…) even when for the more trivial things, as accidentally pouring out a glass of milk.
“I was scared if an accident happens she will take me to court”: We started visitations immediately after divorce. The first week she came with a swollen lip. The second week of visitation, she came with a toenail bleeding. The third week, she came hungry. The fourth week, she came saying that she forgot some crayons inside his dad’s car and he shouted at her and she was placed inside her room and forced to clean the crayons that melted with the sun…By the end of the year, my daughter cried and told me “Mommy, please save me”. I asked her what was happening and she told me his dad has taken a cloth hanger and threatened her to hit her with that if she doesn’t say the truth. The truth about what?: about who else is traveling with us (my daughter and me) during Christmas. And no, I don’t have nor ever had a boyfriend after my divorce. That was my breaking point, I went and asked a lawyer, and I had the same feeling of being tied to help my child. The lawyer told me that the judge will not believe me, that they will think I am trying to alienate my child. I felt hopeless
“How a child can tell ABC…he/she is being instructed”: I never taught my child anything against her father. But before and after divorce I always have taught her that if she feels insecure she should ask help from police. So she did it. With 5 years, day when her dad was about to pick her from school, she went to the school police and told everything to the policeman. After that, pandemic came and he took that as a excuse to never come back and visit her, nor call her, nor contact her in any way.
“During call, they left me waiting, not picking”: Sometimes things like that happen because your are busy with other things, and that is not an excuse. I got that point. But I have tried to ensure the communication between my child and her dad as much as possible. He asked my to pay an exclusive line go communicate with my child, and I pay it until now, despite it is not in our divorce agreement. Before the police incident, he used to call my child, put his new partner in the phone to talk with my child, and then he was asking my child to open my refrigerator to see if the brand of milk that I buy is the one he thinks it is the best for my child. He asked my child about who is at home, where she has been with mom, and if mom is buying food of ABC brand. I was able to listen because my daughter used the speaker (her choice). I was feeling angry, and hopeless again, as he was trying to spy on our life through the phone calls, instead of asking our daughter about her friends, the new neighborhood, or school…
I have sent Father’s Day cards (I should say I made my child to send them, online), and he never replied. When he was with my child during Christmas or New Year, I was calling to say hi and give my greetings, and he didn’t pick the call. I would love if he will talk to her and take her for visitation in a healthy and loving manner. But my daughter has told me that most if the time, visitation was reduced to put her inside a room with toys, while he and his new partner do other activities around their department.
So, no, this daddy’s story does not convince me because I probably know the other half of the story. I am sure there would be dads that genuinely care and suffer due to their children alienation. But the story has 2 sides…do not forget that.
I definitely think this is a gender equality issue when it comes to custody. the father could be the best father and the mother could be shitty but the court always wants to keep the child with the mother and it always believes the woman over the man and that is sad. it is also sad that a lot of times the woman will get angry and keep the father from seeing the child or start seeing someone else and call that person the father. that confuses the child. Ya there are a lot of parents not just dads, moms too, that use the excuse that they didn’t have a way to get to the visit (no ride). so, they will go months or years without seeing their child. well, save money and you will have enough to see your child instead of going months/years without seeing them. if the parent with custody isn’t letting you have your visits, then take that parent to court because that child will see how much you love them, if you can’t get your visits then that parent if fucken ignorant and that child will grow to resent them. I remember when i was little my mother wouldn’t let us kids see our dad and he would show up to see us but she would force him to leave. there would be times that she told him that he could see us if he brought pizza, he would show up with pizza and everything. we were so excited to see him, she took the pizza and everything he bought to go with it and shut the door in his face. kids remember things. I love my dad with all my heart, even though we didn’t get to see our dad that much as kids we at least knew he was trying to see us. our dad wasn’t perfect but the man/pastor my mother was dating was far from perfect! I remember my father finding out that the paster was beating the shit out of us kids and he showed up at the house to fuck him up, my mother made him leave, she let us visit with dad on the steps for like 5min. dad felt helpless because no one would believe him when he would tell them that a “pastor” was beating up on his kids. my dad was an alcoholic but that shouldn’t make a difference, he still loved us, he still wanted to protect us. just because you’re a mother that doesn’t mean you can take care of your kids better than a man. some mothers just don’t have that motherly instinct and they choose someone else over their kids. even if you are not with the mother/father there needs to be co-parenting. children need both parents, whether it’s in the same home or not. there needs to be communication. if there is arguing don’t do it Infront of the child. I remember things from when i was about 4/5 when my mom was keeping us from seeing dad, so remember kids do remember things at a young age and as they get older, they will put it together like i did.
Hello and thank you for collecting these writings. I don’t know where to look for these kinds of things and I’m glad I got to read this today.
I am 38 and do not see any of my 3 kids, though I do pay support for one of the boys (resentfully). The two boys were natural births and unintended; the girl was not an accident but rather me serving as a happy surrogate ‘donor’ for another couple who wanted to conceive.
I don’t even know the order to share my thoughts in because it’s like a decade long.
I’d like to share more..
This article made me angry. My kids despise their father because he’s emotionally abusive. It’s not the mother making up stuff or being bitter. It’s because he’s a narcissistic a** who doesn’t love his children. I’m sure he’s telling everyone a different story. I had to leave because the kids couldn’t stand to be around him.
I’m not Jane. I now know why my wife talked about how good my genetics were. She has done this 3 times over 3 years with the court ruling in my favour. Why is it that women can never face that SOME women could be the problem
I have not seen my kids for 3-4 years. I tried everything. I have been completely parent alienated, been through false DV claims in court twice. I went to family court. I even tried to commit suicide.
I live like im a zombie, just walking with no feelings left.
I was a good dad, my ex wife was the one that did the wrong thing in the relationship. Once my kids said in there court interview the same lie that there mother claimed, I just had to give up, how could I put the kids through that anymore, for them to be coached into saying what they said, broke my heart.
I am broken, I pay so much child support I work extra overtime so I can pay my bills which then I have to pay more child support.
Child support in Australia is so unbalanced it’s robbery.
Im very luck y I didn’t become another male suicide statistic. I just got lucky is all.
I miss my kids so much.
How anyone can do what my ex wife Tina Tahal has done, and still sleep at night, who knows.
Is there such a thing as Karma? Well I hope so but I’m not seeing it.
I will try and hang in until my kids realise what has happened. But I’m not holding my breath as I would be dead.
You hold on man. My ex did the unspeakable to me to where I’m at the point of letting go of my two kids I had with her. I feel sick to my stomach with even the thought about it but the kids are just brain washed by her toxic ways and mannerisms. Like you, I’m just waiting for the day they are old enough to hear and be told what really happened and see who there mom really is! For now.. I will try to live my life with my wife my 9 month old daughter and rebuild my life.
My wife simply doesn’t want me to see or provide for my other child and I rather lose a child than lose my wife if I’m being honest. She’s crazy and would probably hurt my ex or my other child. If I do see him I have to hide and make it fast. Which my ex thinks it’s not healthy for my child. Because I’m not consistent. I mean I get it but it’s the only way. My ex is passive and can handle it on her own. Someday I’ll get the chance to apologize to my child when he’s older.
I am a single mom of two. One of my children is with special needs.
I divorced since I felt there was no partnership in our marriage. And I was shocked with proofs during and after divorce. To be noted: there has been no abuse or violence in our marriage. I understand that he was shocked with my request for divorce and maybe even lost in that moment in every sense. I noticed that and tried to comfort him in a way telling him to get his life back together and I will take care of kids. Of course, regardless court decided to give me full custody, I never stood between him and kids regardless of the fact he did not pay alimony. It really did not bother me as I understood his struggle to get better in every sense, including financially. Of course, as soon as he was able, he started catching up with alimony, but any time he hit another challenge – stopped.
Due to job opportunity and wish for better future for children, I moved to another country with children. I armed children with apps they can use to call him and he can call them. Also, I do not have anything against him seeing kids when possible. I still do not insist on him paying alimony nor the debt left from marriage. I do not talk bad about him, I went through huge adventure making kids understand whole situation.
And still, he calls only once in 1 or 2 months and after I notice some sadness in my kids and I suggest them to give him a call. He does not answer, but calls back.
I feel I have left enough space for him to develope relationship with kids. I divorced that man exactly because I saw no partnership and I now refuse to pamper him with sending photos of kids or writing him about their lives. He has options, I am not in his way, but I will not take any more initiative.
I think I need to be fair to myself too.
Three of my friends are single dads. They all have the same arrangement.
They all PAY child support.
They all have the children %100 of the time with no contact at all with the mother. At one point One friend and his children had been living in my house for nearly two years. I hadn’t seen the mother since the birth of the youngest age 7. the kids didn’t know her. One day I got a call from his work, the police had picked him up at work, arrested and placed in handcuffs very PUBLICLY at his job.. His employer assured me that the child support had been taken from his check properly.
I had to pick up his children from school and take them down to the courthouse to se if I could bail him out. He spent three days(it was a Friday so the hearing was Monday afternoon) Again he was in handcuffs, this time in front of his kids.
He paid the $17.84 he was behind and was given a payment plan for the court fees. Yeah….
I’ve always wanted a family, at this point I don’t even date and avoid women.
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Women have absolute power over families in our courts.
5 years later..
After not seeing my son who was 8.5 years old when we separated.. I decided enough was enough.. I tried to make contact but we all know its futile.. I don’t blame his Mum or the system or anybody… Infact. I blame myself… Myself you say?? Yes myself after being thrown out several times and denied access I knew it would happen again when I decided to leave.. I blame myself for picking the wrong women to have children with… I saw the red flags and ignored them.. The control the lies the manipulation.. I decided early on I wasn’t going to let anyone control when i can and when I can’t see my Boy… I took the pain.. I relocated and starting slowly rebuilding… We all know it hurts so I don’t need to emphasis the fact.. I went no contact and I mean no contact… I’m healthier and mentally stronger than men who put up with the messing around the cancelled visits the anguish of no shows. The feeling you get when your about visit then the No No No the pain the let down the control.. That’s not living that’s abuse and I mean real deep psychological abuse.
So i went no contact.. The games can only be played when player 2 is involved.. So i rebuilt.. What about my future with my son.., hope and I mean hope as that’s all that’s left.. I hope someday he comes to find me and we can have a discussion why I left. I hope hes strong and mature enough to listen.. I hope now he’s 14 and them hormones are changing that he googles me and finds a way to make contact.. Hope Hope Hope.. I could of left when he was 5 6 7 I choose 8.5 because at 8. 5 the bond is imprinted and can’t be reversed.. If he contacted me tomorrow could you imagine the experience we would have without his mum’s involvement. He’s old enough to get a taxi… So after watching my friend cry tear after tear that the kids weren’t coming this weekend and comforting him while he’s a sobbing mess.. Then the following weekend have them then not have them for 3 month.. I stand proud of the fact I walked and took the most unimaginable pain – to one day see my son without a judge or lawyer without his mums involvement or some CaCas BS..
If they ever took me court I wouldn’t attend I don’t have an emotional connection it’s buried and buried deeper than any tramua.. So yes I moved on… So what did I find
I found that my freedom is the most valuable thing I have.. I’m free while she’s raising my boy.. I’m free to go anywhere and not be back for 3pm. I’m free from all parental responsibilitys.. She gave me that gift when she put obstacles in my way the gift of being myself.. Not a dad,, not a partner.. Myself.. Its selfish to some people but to me its what had to be done. Even if my son did contact k would only visit him every 6 weeks I have a life to live.. Harsh but that what happens when you decide to use your children as objects of hurt and possessions of war .. We simply rebuild. ..
What most parents don’t realize is after divorce, what the other parent does is none of of their business. It’s a divorce, as in fuck off. Both parents should get as much time with their kids as possible up to 50/50 unless there is a drug habit, abuse or neglect. Life is not fair. Some people just don’t love each other anymore. Some parents just want to fuck as many people as possible. whatever the reason for divorce, as long as the bad habits stay away from the kids it isn’t up to the other parent to judge the other’s lifestyle or possible parenting skills. I see a lot of people, (moms especially) throwing out the word narcissist, like that should explain everything, there’s a saying, for every finger you point at me, there’s 10 pointing back at you. If a parent is a good parent and can impart wisdom to their child, even if it’s what not to do, that’s great, either way, what they do with their time with their kids is none of your fucking business, go on a date, get a hobby, but please just fuck off. Push too hard on the other parent and God bless them if they say fuck it, pay the bill and move on. High 5 for deciding not to repeatedly stick your heart in the blender. To all the parents that do everything they can to help their kids see the other, regardless of how much of a fuck off they are, I wish you had been my mom or dad. To all the non-custodial parents, enjoy what time you have left, take care of yourselves so you can do things with your kids after 18. Time is money, save it and help your kids later when they need tuition, rehab or both.
Hi Beth,
I’m here in this site for completely different reasons—I am a targeted mom.
I am an experienced mom, though, and my oldest is in her 30s, one in his 20s, and the youngest finishing high school. (All now alienated from me by husband #2)
You’ve asked what can you do? Well, one of the first things I noticed in your post is that you say you’re allowing this ex to verbally abuse you.. I had two, count’em, two, highly abusive ex husbands. So with my experience, I’m going to suggest that the very first thing you can do is refuse to allow this man to abuse you in any way. You do not take any abuse as a way to make things better—it will only backfire, I assure you. If this man is abusing you now, can you just imagine your sweet little one as a helpless kindergartner, hearing his/her father abuse you? That would be ver,y, very bad for your child, not to mention for you.
Children who witness abuse score higher on the ACE survey (Google that if you’re not familiar with it). Any kind of abuse is going to harm your child, even before kindergarten. Even if it’s “only” verbal abuse. So that’s first—you show this man how to treat you by how you respond to him. If he gets abusive, be done with the conversation. He will get it eventually—but you’re going to have to work on not giving in. You’re not his whipping post.
It does not sound like this man is at all interested in parenting, You can’t make somebody love their child. It’s just not possible. I left my first husband because of abuse, and he tried being around sporadically in my oldest child’s life, but he wasn’t really interested in her. He was interested in manipulating me, shirking all responsibilities (his back taxes were a horror that became my problem), and partying. A child? Responsibie parenting? Consistency? Sobriety? Auto insurance? Safe vehicle? It just was not on his radar.
I made the decision to refuse to let him see her. If he wasn’t going to be a predictable, consistent, and positive influence in her life, I was not going to let him see her. Since he wasn’t really interested, he never asked again after I let him know. I do believe it was for the best—not that our story had a happy ending, anyway.
So that’s the first thing I would suggest you do—you refuse, every time, steadfastly refuse, to accept his abuse. It is bad for you, it’s bad for your child. And allowing him to abuse you isn’t going to make him want to be involved in his child’s life anyway.
The second thing I would suggest is that you get all the support you can for yourself. You’re going to need it. I was a single mom with my oldest for seven years—my god, I don’t know how I managed. What I did have were a couple of good friends and a dad of my own. I was always broke—he disappeared and never paid child support—I was incredibly stressed from all of that parenting responsibility on me and only on me, but I did manage to make it work, month after month. Had I been able to afford it, I absolutely would have sought out a therapist and a support group. Things are different now—he will have to help you support this child, and attitudes about health insurance and mental health support are very different now—use every resource you can find.
Raising a child alone is hard. All parenting is hard, but alone, it’s harder. But if you work on keeping a supportive network of friends, family, and/or therapist and support groups, you can do it. Your child is better off without this guy. Should this msn change his ways later—revisit the issue then. For now, accept that he’s not going to change. Accept that you need to make yourself a priority—because your child needs you, snd YOU need yourself too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really am. I can feel the pain in your post. I empathize. It’s a very tough situation, but you’re not walking out on your child, so do everything you can for you and your baby. Trust me—they really do grow up so fast. While you’ve got a challenging job, you’ve also got a little one, and I think if read some of the comments from those of us who have been alienated by abusive exes, you should realize that you’ve got wealth with your child—treasure that relationship and enjoy these childhood years while you can. Hang in there.
My ex, emptied our bank account and walked out on my then 5 month old son and I for another woman at Christmas. He then made MANY accusations and lies about me and our relationship which were unfounded and proved to be untrue. Im pretty sure this was a guilt and a distraction technique; as, all the while I discovered the 25k+ of debt he racked up behind my back to our address and leaving me to pay the mortgage and bills alone from the day he left. While he had nights out and bought designer clothes I was left penniless, with his debt and his child alone. Clearly and understandably, I’m hurt and angry. Despite this, I have genuinely attempted everything I could to maintain contact between him and our son.
My son is now 14 Months old and I’m lucky if his dad sees him 1 day a fortnight. His dad has cancelled the last visit because he moved 30+miles away a few weeksagoand openly stayed he ‘didn’tfeel like’ travelling to see his son. Initially he was doing bedtime routine (in my home) 2 nights a week and 1 day every other weekend. However when I returned to work (had to cut my maternity leave short by 5 months to survive) the weeknights weren’t working, so we agreed he’d have our son every other weekend friday evening to Sunday afternoon. When his first weekend rolled he claimed he never agreed that (although I had it in writing) and refused to have him more than the 1 day.
Over the last 10 months he’s cut his days shorter and shorter to a meger 6.5 hours. He doesn’t take him anywhere, he doesn’t play with him. He has openly said multiple times (since leaving) that he never wanted our son and resents his existence. This was not the case before and our child was jointly planned. He’s told me that I wanted him so he’s my problem. When I confronted him on his lack of contact with his son and how resent his freedom, he told me if I wanted to go out his parents would have him, but he wasn’t interested in more.
Both his brothers have done the same to thier children.
I do my utmost not to fight with him. I take his verbal abuse, put downs and lies, not react and rise above. I’ve suggested alternative ideas for his visitations. I’ve asked him to step up and do more. I invite him to be first contact when I need extra childcare for work. He refuses everything.
What more can I do? I’m so tired. Everywhere I turn (including here) I’m told it’s my fault as a mother his Dad is absent. I don’t know what else to do.
Keep trying as many fathers do. Remember it’s for your children. My wife doesn’t even let any of our family see the kids. My 80-year-old mother is devastated as she is also blocked. Mothers and fathers can be nasty – none of which is the kids fault, but we are adults and so must act like it and keep doing everything we can for them.
I’m a mother who went through a situation where the father got custody. I was a drug addict and walked out of their lives when they were toddlers. When I got clean I went through HELL to get them back. You can’t even imagine. It was torture. In and out of court every month, lawyers fees, character assassination, constant abusive texts, the ex trying to turn my own family against me. It did not matter. I was going to do whatever it took. I spent 2 years in court every single month. Not a month went by where I didn’t have to show up to court and answer for my past choices and listen to new verbal assaults and accusations. It was taxing. I thought of giving up a few times. For myself and for the kids. Is this battling between us what they really need? I considered suicide a few times.
But I refused to give up. I dealt with one hour visits. Supervised visits. Every month at court I asked for more time. Slowly I did get more. Never enough to feel like a “real” parent though. More like the fun parent that got to see them sometimes. I had no idea what their daily lives looked like. Whatever they shared with me and whatever I could gleam from their father’s angry texts was all I got. It has now been 7 years. I can say that the battle has fizzled out. It did take YEARS, so it was slow and painful. Now I have a 14 year old, 13 year old, and 11 year old. And guess what? Our relationships are amazing. They spend a lot of time with me, far more than the court would ever have signed off on years ago, or my ex for that matter. But they’re older, they have more freedom. I no longer have to talk to my ex to get information, they’re able to tell me themselves! I think the fight in their father and his wife slowly died out as he realized how much they truly enjoyed seeing me, and eventually they became challenging pre-teens and teens and he was probably grateful to get some breaks. And a part of him has to respect the persistence I showed– the times I didn’t want to see them because the pain of leaving was too great, but I knew THEY needed me to show up. The times I showed up to their school or sports when no one even told me they were happening, but I kept in contact with principles and coaches. I remember about a year into the visits my kids suddenly started calling me “Bio mom.” When I asked why they said because their step mom told them to call me that. They asked me what it meant. They didn’t even know, they just knew she’d be upset if they didn’t do it. So I told the kids it means bionic mom. That I’m the strongest/fastest mom in the world and I scooped them up and held them in the air while they giggled. And they kept calling me bio-mom and I kept going with it. Eventually it faded, they slowly returned to calling me mom. We never had to discuss it. I wasn’t hurt by it because I knew their step-mom encouraged it and I never wanted them to feel put in the middle. I will never EVER accept that any parent found the battle too hard and gave up. Your ex hasn’t given up, she doesn’t even have the option. And she’s dealing with all the challenges every day. Answering questions she doesn’t want to answer. Being reminded of you. There is no excuse in this world that will make me say, “I get why he/she stopped fighting.” Use the courts to your advantage. They want both parents involved whether you’re the father or mother. Be kind to your ex, don’t engage in drama. If she’s starting drama ask the court to allow more space between you. You’d barely have to interact with her at all if you get things in place with the court. I’m sorry, but I just can’t find sympathy for people who give up. Parenting is hard no matter what your situation as the parent is. Parents don’t get to quit. You don’t get to quit.
Well said. And thats exactly it you don’t quit, you don’t give up. Kids get older and they see and they know and they form their own opinions. These guys might not be so lucky thinking that their kids will forgive them. A lot of these comments are proving the point some women are making. I’m so happy for you putting in the hard work and getting your kids back in to your life.
I think the reason why most fathers are not seeing their child is because the other parents t refuses to coexist with the fathers. I’ve seen fathers take care there children but the women still puts child support on the father. That father pays for his child and spend time with him but they are still in the court system. Why, it’s because an sour relationship with the father that has nothing to do with dads don’t want to be be with their children. This causes the kid to have so many mental issues and behavior problems to the point the mother will decide to let you have them after that 18 year old mark rule for child support. By that time it’s nothing you can do with an child that lost his mind because he lost that fathers time. I think it’s best to walk away to avoid commenting an homicide on the mother for being unfair to them and the child. Some father still pay and stay away because they fear if they do come around to visit their kids the mother will arrest them for no reason at all. Now grant there are some abusive man out here but there are some manipulative mothers as well. They are fighting over the child rather then sharing that child. It’s not just one parent casing chilling to be a parent short it’s both parents and our court system do t make it no better. My only suggestion is to have all males castrate at birth before they have children so they don’t have to go through what fathers go through for many years. I say this because about time you do reunite with your child either their mind is corrupted or they have behavior issues that can’t be correct or change at the age they are when they return.
I’m sadly all the things that gentleman walked away from. I’ve fought and fought and done all I could but my daughter’s mother is the same. I can’t tell you the countless times she’s just outright ignored the court order….for concerts and birthday parties and vacations and every little thing. And she doesn’t care. She’d actually prefer if I walked away and I’ve had very close family and friends say that no one on earth would blame me if I did. But I never have. Though now that my daughter is in high school its more like going out to dinner every two weeks maybe? And she gets a wild hair up her large posterior over the dumbest of things. A reference to a song I like on facebook that truly goes over her head means I’m acting strange? I’ve never once badmouthed her to my daughter although I could. I could tell my daughter about how her and her own mother interviewed 2 different couples about adoption or how she considered very late term abortion that was only legal 4 states away but in truth I’ve ALWAYS been grateful that she’s a good mother, because she is…she’s a good mother but it doesn’t make her a good person. I can especially relate to his reference to a wound that never heels that continuously gets ripped open again and again. And that’s my life. I don’t blame this father for making that very hard choice. I sympathize and empathize. My heart goes out to him and his son. Maybe one day things will change. I would suggest maybe that he start to keep a journal for his son and then when his son is grown up he can go back through the years himself and read about all the times his father thought of him and how he not only wrestled with his decisions but just how deeply he was effected. Either way I don’t really pray but I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope that you can find some peace. Its not easy though…it’s sadly much easier to convince yourself the child will be better off or at least fine if you did check out early and sadly these women wouldn’t look at that with any ounce of guilt like they’re to blame but rather as proof they were right all along. And my daughter’s mother is married! For Christ sake her life is better that I’m not in it! It would have been worse if her and I remained together but doesn’t matter, she hates me and always has. Because I didn’t want her. That’s the only reason. I’ve been there for my daughter since the day she was born. Since beforehand when I found out about the adoption or abortion stuff and I’ve always wanted her and I’ve always said so and I’ve always fought for her. In some ways I bank on the same future that this gentleman does, a future with a relationship that’s completely void of her mother and where she understands that any shortcomings she felt from me weren’t always my doings and that her own mother preferred things this way and honestly would have preferred Id walked away completely as well.
During the marriage, mom was very domineering when it came to time being shared with child. It was a red flag. She sure didn’t mind me helping with all other things (as a dad should). Then came the divorce and allegations of abuse. She tried telling my family I was abusive to her….family didn’t bite. She went to her wealthy father and got a good attorney. Couple that with a system that is rigged to create non custodial parents to generate revenue via Social Security title4d and a vindictive ex that moved the child over 6 hours away and you have a fatherless child.
I hate that you are guilty until proven innocent. women always use the “he abused me” or he was abusing the child. they always believe the woman. men get beaten by women too but when they mention that the woman hits, its nothing. she was defending herself. defending herself against what? an argument that wasn’t physical to begin with. lol the system is rigged against men; they may think that it’s
to protect women but how about protecting the men against false allegations that will put them away for years, that make them sit in jail for a long time till they are proven innocent.
This is all well and good. What do u do with a father who only wants to see his son Xmas, his birthday and his father’s birthday.
How does that work for the child. Since the father doesn’t call in between.
Is it still the Mother’s fault and should she keep having this inconsiderate “father” in her son’s life
I am 42 year old male. Over 80% of all divorces are filled in the US by woman. That’s a fact. Ask yourself why? Men have no rights at all when it comes to divorce in today’s corrupt society. Co parenting is a complete fraud created by the government. Men that are reading this listen to a man that loved his children and walked away. First, you are not a father anymore. Once you move out of the home and are legally divorced then those children are not yours at all! I don’t care if they tell you otherwise. Your not a father anymore. Your child/childeren belong to your x wife and her new sex partner. You will not have enough time, resources or help to be an active real father. The US had created a evil fraudulent system giving the so-called co parent (the father) visitation rights. Or they will say something like 50/50 in all decisions. All of it is BS. Men, you are nothing but a paycheck to the state which makes millions off of you and you are nothing but a paycheck to your x wife. Your childeren will be raised and influenced by your x wife and her new man. The real father’s influence/respect is completely taken from you by your x wife, courts, and the new supply your x wife is sucking from. Literally. The courts give everything to the woman as of today. You Men are being used and minuplated every other weekend you visit your children. My advice is pay your child support. Tell your children that only when they are 18 years of age will you speak with them. Let them go until they are of age. Pay your bill. Or go ahead and try to deal with children being raised by a woman you completely disagree with and the other man that will be filling your shoes. Don’t do it. In the end you will realize that you are being minuplated and used. Your influence as their real dad is gone. It is a prison the government and the woman put you in. The modern woman is pretty much married to the government not you. Just pay the bill and let that woman and the government kiss your ass. Start a new life. The entire country is falling apart becuase of the actions of modern woman and the governing laws that exist. Don’t worry. Pay your bill.. Thats all that matters or you go to jail. But please Men, DO NOT Co-parenting or be involved at all! If you do you will regret it. Men will rise up. This entire process will fail. And marriage is a complete JOKE to all men. Run from it. One sided corrupt system. Do not trust any modern woman. The law is on her side. You are just a wallet to your x wife and the state. Oh by the way, when your kids turn 18 let them know what their mother did to you. But I think we don’t have much time left as a country. Just pay your bill and stay the hell away. Let the modern woman take care of the rest. And tell your children when they are 18, hell tell everyone to avoid marriage today. It is all I’m favor for woman. It is a scam. And the woman today are horrible. Goodluck men. And go to hell modern woman. Take your government and shove it up you #&@*@.
You need therapy
My ex showed up out of blue once again…after I told her 30 days ago don’t come around. I told her I lknow longer wish too see our children again she just don’t get it…the pain of seeing them is much worse than not seeing them at all….by the way she is married and was married when we had 2 kids together…I know silly me…she told me to say what I told her to my 3 year old daughter and 2 year old son….of course I didn’t tell them that…once they are older they will hopefully be able to see and know the truth…..I have been retired for a long time over 10 years and I’m not close to 50 years of age…I can’t and wontb ruin the life I have built
I’ve not seen my two daughters for over two and a a half years now( 17 & 10) all because their mother wants to get sympathy from the divorce courts to win her own private lottery win through 2 years of a sham marriage, it’s sickening the lows people can go in the pursuit of money, she got caught cheating with her sons friend (my step son) and then turned it around and blamed me of domestic violence, with covid the courts have cancelled multiple times, what if I had kids with me and woke up one day and decided my girls cannot see their mother, would it take their mother over 2.5 years to see them again…… no not at all, and finding that my wife had another name with two national insurance numbers claiming housing and benefits under another name while living & married to me, fraudulently signing my new car into her second name at her other address and so far getting away with it all, this has been the biggest tester of my life as I have no option but to do everything legally, however the system is defiantly bias, I reported my car as stolen she got pulled over and let go, I know if it was the other way around I would have been locked up, the world is @#%ked up and trying to keep calm while all this is happening is all one can do, there is women and men who are good and bad but it’s the man who definitely has a disadvantage, the thought of losing what has taken me 37 years to accumulate through 2.5 years of this fake marriage is something I don’t know how I will continue, it’s legal robbery and alienation from my two daughters in the process is heart wrenching.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I am 42 and have gone through two divorces. My first cheated so I divorced her immediately. I had two children with her. My family and friends kept telling me to be active and fight to see them. I did eventually (after thousands of dollars and misery) see my two children. The courts gave me 50/50 in all decisions and called me the co-parent. So I spent 14 years going back and forth every other weekend to visit them. I tried to influence them and be a father. It was complete HELL. My advise is do not co-parent at all! It does not work. Co-parenting is a complete scam that will suck the life out of you. Once a divorce is final, you are no longer their father. If a man is not living in the home with his children then that man has lost all fatherly rights and/or influence. Run from it! Let your children know you love them and that you will speak with them when they turn 18. When they are of legal age. You need to do this to not only protect yourself against future drama/allegations comming from the bitch (x wife) but also to allow yourself a new life. You matter. This is now about you. You need to repair. You need to rebuild. If your x wife gives up and says take the children then take them. She will probably do it when they become teenagers and she can’t handle them. But until then. Pat your bill. Stay away. Rebuild.
Hello Daniel,
It was good to relate to your story. My first wife also cheated and left with a friend of mine. I got 50/50 access until I ended up bankrupt.
My daughter is now 11 and I did my best but also feel it was a waste of time and emotionally painful
Just had a daughter 6 month ago with my current partner. She is now living with her parents and prefers her family over me. Her mother is deamining.
I am not even going to bother for shared custody because it is just to painful to go through this all over again.
She wants me to see the child on the weekends. The first 3 months were great until her mother started sticking her nose in our lives.
Got depressed and lost my job. Turned to alcohol.
Now I am in AA.
I have to keep zero contact with her because it’s just too painful not to see the baby on a daily basis.
I will just move on and focus on my recovery and love and put myself first.
This Daniel guy is a lunatic. I have never heard so many selfish people in my life. We are definitely doomed as a society. Have any of you knuckleheads ever heard of not divorcing? Working on a marriage? Why did you have kids and get married? Marriage is hard not easy. The selfishness is clearly why it would never work in the first place. Good riddance.
Imagine if it was you who had to move out and not see your kids? of course, empathy doesn’t exist because women are genetically predisposed for survival over (empathy, loyalty, love, blah blah) its just nature….own your truth
This Daniel guy is a lunatic. I have never heard so many selfish people in my life. We are definitely doomed as a society. Have any of you knuckleheads ever heard of not divorcing? Working on a marriage? Why did you have kids and get married? Marriage is hard not easy. The selfishness is clearly why it would never work in the first place. Good riddance.
Working on a marriage? Sure, but if the woman cheats then the marriage can rot for all I care.
I am a single mom of two. One of my children is with special needs.
I divorced since I felt there was no partnership in our marriage. And I was shocked with proofs during and after divorce. To be noted: there has been no abuse or violence in our marriage. I understand that he was shocked with my request for divorce and maybe even lost in that moment in every sense. I noticed that and tried to comfort him in a way telling him to get his life back together and I will take care of kids. Of course, regardless court decided to give me full custody, I never stood between him and kids regardless of the fact he did not pay alimony. It really did not bother me as I understood his struggle to get better in every sense, including financially. Of course, as soon as he was able, he started catching up with alimony, but any time he hit another challenge – stopped.
Due to job opportunity and wish for better future for children, I moved to another country with children. I armed children with apps they can use to call him and he can call them. Also, I do not have anything against him seeing kids when possible. I still do not insist on him paying alimony nor the debt left from marriage. I do not talk bad about him, I went through huge adventure making kids understand whole situation.
And still, he calls only once in 1 or 2 months and after I notice some sadness in my kids and I suggest them to give him a call. He does not answer, but calls back.
I feel I have left enough space for him to develope relationship with kids. I divorced that man exactly because I saw no partnership and I now refuse to pamper him with sending photos of kids or writing him about their lives. He has options, I am not in his way, but I will not take any more initiative.
I think I need to be fair to myself too.
I met my son for the very first time this week, three days before he turned one year and ten months. As we speak my son’s maternal grand mother, is fighting her own daughter, for wanting to ensure that her grandson has a sound and healthy relationship with his father.
Unfortunately I think the maternal grandmother will eventually win… they usually win against fathers. The children often pay the price for the severed relationship, and the displaced fathers are usualy blamed by society, and called absent, if not, deadbeat.
I’m searching this topic trying to find advice or help in teachers to my sons. First sons father was extremely violent and an addict and I escaped him soon after I had my son.
I was alone for years had one other decent relationship that just didn’t work out. Finished undergrad and mobbed back home. Met 2nd child’s father. A whirlwind romance and 4 months later I was expecting. Although each time we were intimate we specifically tried. I didn’t know what I was or who I was really dealing with. Not too much longer I remember when baby was 2mo old he was getting meaner. More emotional abuse. Making buy older son feel unloved and a burden. We always felt like a burden. I ended it after 4yrs but should been sooner tbh.
He’s so absuive and narcissist. I wished I could cooarent. I truly don’t trust him cause I witnessed and experienced it. Still do. Some one sure there are fathers who want to be in their kids lives. Cherish them. For a lot of us who have to deal w true abuse and especially if it’s emotional then not a lot of people believe how bad it was. It hard to accept that and hard to keep this child away so to speak for their own good.