This was originally posted exactly one year ago. I elaborated on this topic in this week’s radio show, which you can listen to here:
When my kids get home from school this afternoon, they will walk into the apartment to find two frilly gift bags. Before we reach the door I will play up the surprise: Something is waiting for you! What can it be?
Each gift will contain a new supply of underwear.
They both need new chonies. When I was a kid, we didn’t just “get” stuff — even stuff we needed. Not even underpants. Everything was purchased with intention: as part of a biannual clothes purchase for which there was a strict allowance; for holidays or birthdays; or with money saved from allowances and part-time jobs.
I don’t see a lot of that kind of conscious spending today. Somehow in one generation we’ve become marathon shoppers: Our purchases are so frequent and abundant that it has spurred a whole new industry of professional organizers, chains like The Container Store and, yes, even feng shui experts. Maybe we can blame access to consumer credit, or being vulnerable to celebrity media coverage. But what I see is a lot of waste, and not a lot of gratitude.
Gratitude is a big deal with me. I might even say it is the foundation of my spiritual life. In fact, there is lots of scientific research that proves gratitude is a powerful force in finding happiness. I believe that, and take steps each day to teach that to my children.
When I was at the peak of my personal crisis a few years ago — contending with a brain-injured husband, the care of a toddler, pregnancy and the dissolution of my marriage (and not to be mistaken for a humblebrag: I also developed chronic hives and suffered two root canals around then), I turned to gratitude to get me through. For a whole year my friend Jen and I exchanged daily gratitude emails. Jen was going through her own crisis, and to lift our spirits and focus on the positive — which is abundant, but hard to see when you are in so much pain — we freestyle typed whatever small and large things that we were grateful for: A funny thing my kid said, Jen’s support from a colleague, a delicious peach, the ability to walk.
Now that I am out of that crisis zone it can be hard to stay so focused on my riches and slip into focusing on petty frustrations and first-world problems: that my apartment is desperate need of a paint job and I can’t find the energy or time to hire someone else to paint it, for example. But to impart this critical life tool on my children, I make an exercise of teaching them to be grateful for what they have, including new undies. Here are a few more gratitude exercises I use with my kids:
4 tips to teach kids gratitude
- Saywhatwe’regratefulfor: Several nights each week as I’m tucking them into bed, we each say a few things that we are grateful for — a practice that has come be know as “saywhatwe’regratefulfor.” This includes whatever the sharer wants to say: his health, people in our family, friends, that we have enough money to be comfortable, a safe home, nice neighbors. I learned that children can and want to participate at a very young age. When Lucas was 2, I did not yet invite him to do saywhatwe’regratefulfor, but apparently he overheard me and his sister, two years older with whom he shares a bedroom. One day at breakfast, this wee toddler turned to me and said, “Mommy, I grateful for YOU!”
- Say our favorite thing that happened that day. This is a little different from the above. We usually do it at dinner time, and I think of it more a part of learning to be good, considerate conversationalists. Again, kids are rarely too small for this: from a very young age both my children would melt my heart when they’d ask, “What did you do today, Mommy?”
- Casually mention what I am grateful for. When we hear about the horrors of Syria on the morning radio, I might say, “I feel so lucky we live in a peaceful place.” Or when we walk by the glorious fruit market, I will comment, “This is such a luxury to have all this good food!”
- Make a big deal out of special things. You are not entitled to dessert after every meal. You do not get stuff just because you see it in a gumball dispenser at the grocery store, or even if your Spiderman underpants are so small the elastic gives you a rash. Make it clear that getting stuff is special. New Hello Kitty panties are a celebration.
- Live frugally and mindfully. I recently wrote a post at DailyWorth entitled “Why I love my cupboards bare,” exploring the thrill I get to know that I’ve used up every last drop of shampoo, or consumed all the goods in my fridge. I get a nearly-spiritual high from knowing I got my money’s worth — and little was wasted. Such frugal living is an act of gratitude. Not a whole lot you can single-handedly do about our disgusting consumer culture that promotes uncontrolled spending, hoarding and overall waste. But you can control your own actions. If you buy with intention, thrift and care, your kids will pick up on that and eventually do the same.
How do you teach your kids gratitude? How do you express your own gratitude? Share in the comments!
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