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19 reasons why alimony is unfair and hurts gender equality

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I blindly grew up and into my 30s assuming the standard-issue feminist party line:

Women's work is uncompensated and undervalued. When women become stay-at-home mothers, that benefits men's careers, and when the marriage ends, she should be compensated for that lost earning potential. Both partners' lifestyles should be the same when the marriage ends!

Then, I watched my friend get divorced, and face alimony.

He had a high-earning career, and after spending her 20s in low-paid retail jobs, his wife stayed home full-time until the kids were in high school, then worked part-time retail, tried to start a couple of craft businesses that went nowhere, and then started sleeping with her massage therapist.

When they divorced, this couple stayed on mostly friendly terms and would get together with the kids, who were by then in college.

His career continued on while she struggled bitterly. Since they broke up in the middle of the housing and stock market bust, there weren't many assets to divide.

The kids were out of the house, so there was no child support. When they split, he had been laid off and was unemployed, so there was no alimony.

She went from a very comfortable life as a suburban housewife, to struggling very hard to get by, living in a shared apartment.

At the time, I was incredulous about this. He should support her, I screamed in my head. Her lifestyle is so compromised compared with his.

Today, I recognize alimony as a dated, sexist construct that has grown out of its intended purpose, and only holds women and gender equality back.

First, some basics on why and how stay-at-home motherhood hurts gender equality:

When I push back against the stay-at-home mom fantasy — the myth that children fare better when mothers do not work, and that this lifestyle benefits anyone at all — I am often met with: “What do you care? We should respect all women's choices in the spirit of sisterhood!”


When women choose to stay home full time, abandon career and earning, in the name of better mothering, or commitment to family, we all lose, most especially women.

Why alimony is wrong, sexist, and unfair:

“As much as we would like to think the court is blind when it comes to alimony and gender, at least in Las Vegas, I would tend to disagree,” says Molly Rosenblum, founding attorney of The Rosenblum Allen Law Firm in Las Vegas, Nev.

In her Nevada practice, which handles family law, criminal defense, and civil cases, Rosenblum sees more women asking for alimony, about 90/10 women to men. And 95% of women receive alimony compared to 5% of men.

In Nevada, there is no set formula for alimony. It’s decided on a case-by-case basis considering factors like:

  • Length of marriage
  • Age
  • Health and well-being of both parties
  • Financial need of the alimony-seeking spouse
  • Employment status of the seeking spouse
  • Income disparity of both parties

Rosenblum leans toward the idea that Nevada’s alimony statutes compensate spouses who have truly been in long-term marriages, setting aside their own careers for the betterment of the wage-earning spouse. And although it’s not perfect, she believes it is equitable.

But there are definitely unfair scenarios that play out, depending on the couple.

“My overall sentiment about alimony is that it is risky business,” Rosenblum says. “In Nevada, if the receiving spouse remarries, they no longer get alimony.”

Rosenblum says the receiving spouse often loses financially when they move on to a new relationship — especially if he or she stayed home to raise the kids while their ex earned a ton of money. 

“My personal opinion is that a spouse who may be entitled to alimony should look to be compensated elsewhere,” Rosenblum says.

Other options might be asking for a larger share of the house equity or a bigger piece of the savings or retirement accounts. Rosenblum says if handled correctly, these options can put them in a better financial position long after alimony payments end.

1. You model a stereotypical female roles, which informs your children, spouse, friends and neighbors

If you, woman, are home, your children equate housekeeping, child care and other unpaid ‘women's work' with women. They see their father, a man, earn in the world. That informs their ideas about gender and what is expected of women and men.

That is why Harvard professor Kathleen McGinn found, in her study of 34,000 people across 24 countries, that girls raised by mothers who worked outside the home for pay, achieved more academically and grew up to be women who achieved more professionally and financially than their peers who had stay-at-home moms.

Boys raised by working moms were more caring for children and older people living in the home than their SAHM peers, and grew up to be men who were the same — all while achieving as much academically and professionally as those raised by SAHMs. In short: kids grow up to be what they see.

2. Stay-at-home moms influence sexism in workplaces

Men — especially the white variety — still very much control corporate and government policy, and are far more likely to advocate for policy that supports working parents if they themselves share in family responsibility because their wives work, too.

Researchers at Harvard, NYU and University of Utah found:

“Employed husbands in traditional marriages, compared to those in modern marriages, tend to (a) view the presence of women in the workplace unfavorably, (b) perceive that organizations with higher numbers of female employees are operating less smoothly, (c) find organizations with female leaders as relatively unattractive, and (d) deny, more frequently, qualified female employees opportunities for promotion.”

3. Stay-at-home moms hurt the economy

When you do not participate in the labor force, the world misses out on your unique talents

Recent headlines such as “Closing the gender gap could grow the economy by $2.1 trillion” (CNN) scream that the best way to grow the economy is to better engage women in the professional world.

You consumed educational resources that were designed for the benefit of all of society. You worked hard to earn positions, raises or build a business.

When you drop out for any significant period, all those collective skills and network are paused — or tossed out. That is a brain drain that we, as a society and world, cannot afford to lose.

4. The choice to stay home with children hurts the hiring and promotion of other women

Your departure from the workforce discourages managers and companies from hiring, training and promoting women since it sets the precedence that women of a certain age will just drop out indefinitely to have babies. Read: “Motherhood Penalty Affects Women Who Never Have a Child” (NBC).

5. Staying home with kids means you abandon the women who stay and fight for equality

My friend Maria, a divorced mom, has fought her way into an executive position at the male-dominated accounting industry where she's worked for 22 years.

She told me: “Every time a woman in my company drops out to stay home and ‘be a mom,' I want to scream. I think, ‘I and every other woman in this big company need you to be here in these meetings and fight for them.' I feel let down and, frankly, abandoned. They left me here to fight alone.”

6. Stay-at-home moms shame working moms

Culturally, Americans believe children need stay-at-home moms. Pew found that 60 percent of Americans believe it is best for kids when a parent is home full-time, and a full 40 percent of Americans say that children are harmed (!) when mothers work outside the home. 

A full 70 percent of U.S. mothers work, and the majority of those who do not would like to work, but do not because child care is so prohibitive, studies find.

The majority of moms who work do so because they need to eat, and their children need to eat — not because it is a lifestyle choice. In other words,

When women say, “I don't want to go back to work because I love my children,” that means, “I love my children more than you do. I am a better mom.” We all love our children. Here a very important fact you need to hear right now:

The University of Maryland’s very important meta-study, “How Does the Amount of Time Mothers Spend with Children Matter?” found that for children ages 2 to 11, it makes no difference the number of hours a mother spends with her when it comes to the child’s academic or psychological success.

7. Stay-home moms perpetuate the myth that motherhood is enough to fulfill us

Instead, here are studies that show that mothers who work are happier and healthier, and less sad and angry, than their peers who work for pay. This is old news.

Betty Friedan's 1963 blockbuster The Feminine Mystique established this five decades ago. We are having the exact same emotion vs fact debate today. Let's move this conversation forward.

8. Stay-at-home moms are more prone to poverty

Whether you stay married for the rest of your life, divorce, or your spouse passes away before you do (statistically likely), you are more likely to be poor.

A financial plan in which an entire family is dependent on one income is simply bad planning. After all, you know you should buy life insurance in the unlikely event that you or your partner dies.

The chances of that happening are far, far lower than divorce, disability, illness or unemployment — all situations in which a second career could mean the difference between staying in your home or living out of your car.

The fewer women living in poverty means good things for all women — and members of the world.

9. Women who do not work are less likely to be involved in family finances

Knowing everything about your household finances is critical in the event that you divorce, or otherwise are forced to manage the money in the absence of your spouse (he becomes disabled, unemployed, dies, is incarcerated or any other horrible things that happen every single day).

One study found that women's involvement in household finances is directly proportionate to their contribution to family income. In other words, the more a woman contributes to the family finances, the more involved she is with managing them.

The more involved a woman is with managing money, the more security she and her whole family have. this contributes to making wiser, empowered decisions, and being safe in every sense of the word.

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10. Women who do not earn their own money are more likely to suffer domestic violence

A full THIRD of U.S. women will be abuse victims at the hands of an intimate partner, and in 99 percent of those cases, financial abuse is part of the equation. You are in physical, emotional and sexual danger when you do not have your own money.

11. When you divorce, stay-at-home wives and moms are screwed

You have the same ~50 percent chance as the rest of us (though some studies suggest the divorce rate is higher in marriages when one spouse is financially dependent on the other).

Alimony reform is underway in every state, and while you may get short-term maintenance (think about that term: a man who you are no longer involved with is forced to maintain you), you are now expected to earn a living.

Statistically women wind up poorer after divorce than men — typically because we have less earning power to start with. Take away any recent work experience, you are s-c-r-e-w-e-d.

The challenges for divorced women with no recent work history run deep. Want to keep your house in your name? Without two years work history, you can't get a mortgage.

You also likely can't get a car loan or credit card with a decent interest rate. In short: the pay gap, wealth gap and women's choices overall plummet without earning power.

Stay-at-home mom divorce: Follow these 3 steps to prepare

12. When women stop working, you have far fewer choices, and we all lose

According to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, a woman’s earnings drop 30 percent after being out of the workforce for two to three years.

This calculator created by the Center for American Progress projects the potential impact to a woman’s lifetime earnings when she takes a break mid-career.

A 26-year-old woman earning $50,000 per year stands to lose more than $800,000 in wages, raises and retirement benefits over her lifetime when she steps off the career path for just five years. You also can't get a decent car loan or credit card or mortgage.

13. SAHMs' post-divorce / separation life is tumultuous

When you are in financial straits post-divorce/separation, you are understandably afraid, and acting in fear leads to bad decisions and poor behavior.

Any family attorney or divorce court judge will tell you that terrified women and angry men then spend a lot of very contentious time and lots of money with lawyers and judges arguing over money.

This conflict bleeds deeply into your co-parenting. It is impossible to share parenting time and decisions in a healthy way if you are duking it out in court. Your children suffer the most.

These are the same children who were supposed to benefit from the countless hours you spent with them at home.

As a citizen, I am affected because courts are jammed up with petty arguing over custody and alimony, while actual abuse and neglect cases are marginalized.

As a society, we all suffer, because statistically, when men are marginalized in custody cases — and they are in 80 percent of cases that go to court, in favor of giving mothers primary custody, despite 55 reviewed studies that prove that equally shared time with kids is best for children, once again following in those gender-stereotype  — they tend to drop out of kids' lives all together.

This is good for no one. Not you, not me, not the kids, dads or penal systems, which are full of kids who did not grow up with involved dads. Ladies, be part of the solution.

What to ask for in a divorce settlement agreement

14. How alimony hurts the gender pay gap

There is a lot of pressure on women in the workforce to forsake their economic power in lieu of family.

Pew found that an astonishing 40 percent of Americans believe that children suffer when their mother works outside of the home.

And study after study finds that the 21% gender pay gap is a result not of rich white men in C-suite keeping competent women down, but rather women choosing to compromise their careers to care for loved ones.

This pressure is so great that women who actually earn a living, falsely label themselves “stay-at-home moms.”

A recent project between my friend time management expert Laura Vanderkam and Redbook magazine found that 62% of described stay-at-home moms contributed to their household income, including 25% who run businesses.

I know a blogger who earns $80,000 per year and calls herself a stay-at-home mom — a disconnect that is both common and destructive, since it perpetuates the economically oppressive pressure to abandon our livelihoods and lives for our children and husbands.

Meanwhile, all research confirms: It makes zero difference how much time a parent spends with a kid after age 2, and the greatest indicators of a child's future wellbeing is her mother's education and income level.

Let us not forget: Working mothers are far less prone to depression and anxiety, and divorce rates are 50% higher for families in which one spouse does not work.

In other words: We glamorize stay-at-home moms, when science proves again and again that everyone is happier, healthier and more financially secure when both parents work.

After all: Divorce rates have been more or less steady at 50% for 40 years. The other 50% of couples? Unemployment, disability, death and other catastrophes mean a one-career family is a precarious financial agreement indeed.

And when these families do divorce or separate, the new paradigm is likely to be very sexist indeed, with the mom having primary care of the kids, and being financially dependent on her ex's child support and/or alimony payments.

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Breaking the cycle of the wage gap

So this is what you will do to make sure we break this cycle of women sabotaging their own wellbeing, and that of their children, marriage and for women and society overall:

You will identify a girl. Maybe it is your daughter, or granddaughter. Niece, student, mentee or neighbor. She might be 6 or 16 or a young woman of 26. You will tell her with zero nuance or caveat:

Always have your own money. 

Never give up your ability to earn.

You are not an adult if you chose to be financially dependent on another person. 

In my research, I have found it only takes telling a young person this critical message one time. The message taps into such a primal, visceral need for freedom, power and independence, even very young girls understand it intuitively.

But do not tell her just one time. Tell her again and again. Like you make sure your child knows to be kind, and say thank you and not to chew with her mouth open. Just as you make sure that young people know how to swim and must eat vegetables, this is a non-negotiable.

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Knowing this shapes the life decisions you make

Because when a child is raised to reap the magnificent bounty that is the education, professional, political and financial equality that women in this country in the 21st century enjoy, and understand that she will never, ever chart her own course in this world until she embraces it as her duty to exercise it in its fullest, you set her on a certain course.

On the right course. It is a course that affects every single vertical of her life:

  • The choices she makes in where she attends college, and how she will pay for it (because when you are wise about your education and related finances, and do not assume that a man will take care of you and your debt eventually, you make better choices).
  • The career path she pursues.
  • The relationships she forges with friends and colleagues (because these are the spine of her entire life).
  • The money she does and does not spend on fun.
  • The money she does and does not invest.
  • The partner she selects (or rejects).
  • The children she chooses to have (or not).
  • The age she chooses to become a mother.
  • The way she sees herself in the world, the value she brings to her partner, her children, friends, and the world around her. 

By saying: “Always have your own money,” to a girl you are saying:

“You are powerful. And I believe that you will never, ever give up that power.”

She gets it. She will thank you. And women everywhere, forever, will thank you.

Alimony contributes to the wealth gap

When women earn their own money and think like breadwinners, the wealth gap will shrink. One study found that women’s involvement in household finances is directly proportionate to their contribution to family income.

In other words, the more a woman contributes to the family finances, the more involved she is with managing them. Consider these alarming figures on female financial literacy from workplace wellness program firm Financial Finesse:

  • One-third of women feel confident about their investment allocation, vs half of men
  • 66% of women report a general knowledge of investing, vs 85% of men
  • 63% of women report having a handle on cash management, vs 78% of men
  • 47% of women indicate that they have an emergency fund, vs 62% of men

One, a stay-at-home mom told me at our kids' bus-stop that if she ever got a divorce, her husband would have to pay her out the nose for all her “sacrifice.” Never mind he was perpetually unemployed in a middle-class job.

Where did she think that all that money would come from? Bottom line is she was relaying the common assumption that men always pay women when they have children together, and this woman had no money, a neglected career and a low-income husband.

Ending alimony would be a boon for family financial security, ringing a clear, screaming alarm that you, woman, must plan for the very real chance that both spouses’ income will be likely critical to the family.

What will it take for people to realize — and plan for — the fact that divorce rates have hovered around 50% for decades? Divorce is just one risk.

Maintaining a career is about being a responsible member of your family. Even if you have the hottest, most committed marriage that lasts until the end of one of your lives, there are other realities you must plan for.

And if you are divorced and dependent on income from your ex, never forget that he could lose his job, die, become disabled, chose a lower-paying career, see his business tank, or go MIA.

You have no control over that, and if you depend on his income, you live in fear every single day it will go away. Shift that energy into your own income and career, which you do have control over, and watch your life change.

Unemployment. Nearly four out of five U.S. adults will face severe joblessness, near poverty or being on welfare. Men in recent history have been far more likely to suffer in an economic downturn.

During the recession – from December 2007 to June 2009—men lost 5.4 million jobs while women lost 2.1 million. Again, this is a numbers game. Betting on your husband to support you and your family simply is not a good financial move.

Disability. Nearly 5% of all eligible adults receive disability insurance benefits.

Life. Crap happens. Accidents, psychotic breaks, natural disasters and fires. You have no idea what is in store. So you do smart things. Like keep a career going, which boosts your family’s financial security by 2x at least.

15. Alimony is legislated dependence for women

An end of alimony would force each able-bodied person to be financially responsible for themselves.

Suffragists and feminists before us fought bitterly (and sometimes joyously, one would hope) so you and I have financial and legal parity with men.

We have a ways to go, but for the most part in this country women have the opportunity to support themselves. With opportunity comes responsibility. You choose to be financially dependent on someone else (like a husband), you take a risk.

If that marriage ends and you have little career equity and low earning potential as a result, you must pay the consequences of the downside of that risk. Taking that responsibility away from women, and perpetuating a model in which women are financially dependent on men, infantizes all women.

We are not infants. We are capable adults with untold professional and financial opportunities.

Take alimony out of the career-planning equation and we force women to take full responsibility for their careers and finances from the beginning of adulthood.

This is critical if we are going to close the pay gap, which has little to do with workplace sexism, and more to do with women choosing lower-paying professions and stepping away from careers to devote to family life — all in the name of being a “better” mother who spend countless time with her children, even though all the search proves that children fare better when they have moms who work, and benefit none from endless hours with their parents.

Harvard professor Kathleen McGinn found, in her study of 34,000 people across 24 countries, that girls raised by mothers who worked outside the home for pay, achieved more academically and grew up to be women who achieved more professionally and financially than their peers who had stay-at-home moms.

Boys raised by working moms were more caring for children and older people living in the home than their SAHM peers, and grew up to be men who were the same — all while achieving as much academically and professionally as those raised by SAHMs. In short: kids grow up to be what they see.

I talk about this on this blog, my podcast, and book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), and am very proud to say I have converted many moms to getting off the alimony gravy train (one of my favorite reader book reviews: “Thanks for ruining alimony for me forever, Emma!”).

Many women say that this message has propelled them into a life of autonomy independent of the man to whom they were once married.

Nonetheless, there continue to be lots of vintage thinking about money, marriage, family, and gender, and in this post, I explain why all the typical arguments in favor of alimony are wrong.

Listen to my interview with McGinn:

16. Alimony makes divorce so much harder, more expensive, and dragged out

Alimony adjustments, enforcements and arguments, are the No. 1 reason that divorced couples return to divorce court, or otherwise spend money on expensive family lawyers. Think about it:

There are countless ways to fight about alimony:

  • You suspect or know his income increased, and therefore believe you are entitled to more.
  • He suspects or knows you are earning more (good for you!) and therefore he should be paying less.
  • He believes (or says) his income decreased, or his living expenses went up, so he should pay less.
  • One of your remarried, or is in a relationship or living with a girlfriend or boyfriend, and therefore your financial situation has changed, and one of you believes the payments should be adjusted, too.
  • Someone believes income is earned under the table, is not reported, or otherwise being hidden.

And on and on. It's exhausting, toxic, keeps you enmeshed in the emotional part of the divorce for ever and ever, and the only people who benefit from this are the divorce lawyers, who laugh all the way to the bank.

Take alimony out of the equation, the co-parenting relationship improves, and the divorce is far more amicable from the start. In fact, you may even be file a no-contest, DIY divorce, for a few hundred dollars.

17. Alimony and child support keep you passionately attached to your ex

I have a friend who abandoned a thriving small business she’d built for 15 years when she married a successful New York City tax attorney and had a baby.

The marriage ended. He pays her a sum each month that keeps her in an Upper East Side two-bedroom, three-story townhouse, while she struggles to rebuild her business. “Tell your readers to never stop working,” she told me recently.  “There is nothing worse than being dependent on a man who you are trying to separate from.”

Also, there is nothing better than knowing that your own life is entirely of your making. That is the definition of empowerment — gender or otherwise.

I was on WCCO CBS in Minneapolis speaking about this win my friend, anchor Jordana Green who receives alimony. “Isn't it unfair if you're used to living in a $500,000 house but have to move into an apartment when you divorce?” she asked.

My answer? “If you want a $500,000 house, pursue a career that affords you one.”

As one alimony reform activist emailed me: “Alimony law was created to ‘keep the lesser earning spouse in the lifestyle in which they are accustomed.' Using that logic, wealthy parents should be legally obligated to support their kids throughout their lives.” I agree.

18. Alimony makes co-parenting very contentious

Alimony and child support are the main reasons that people return to family and divorce courts again and again. There has never, ever in the history of divorce been a person who pays money to another person who they believe is capable of supporting themselves.

Since your ex is angry about paying alimony (and child support), that anger will manifest in all sorts of ways in your relationship, which has now been reduced to coparents. May not be fair, may be court-sanctioned, but you are lesser co-parents because this money came between you. 

Learn how to co-parent successfully with your ex for the sake of your kids

Dana Lin was a stay-at-home mom for most of her marriage, and admits there was a measure of pride in not pursuing alimony or child support in her divorce, even though she could barely support herself — selling her wedding and heirloom jewelry to make ends meet, and not eating for days on end when her children spent time with their dad. She was entitled to $3,000 in monthly support alimony.

Lin, the mother of two grade-school daughters at the time, also didn’t want money complicating her relationship with her children’s father.

“I never wanted him to be able to say, ‘I can’t spend time with the kids because I have to work long hours to support you,’” says Lin, who at the time of the split worked part-time as a school office manager for $20 per hour.

Today, she says, she has a very friendly relationship with her ex, who “is an amazing father now,” while he was only marginally involved while married.

If you receive alimony, your ex is likely really angry about it. He will question all your lifestyle choices, want to know why you are not earning more yourself, and be resentful of any man who comes into your life — especially if you live together or otherwise share expenses.

All of this makes it so much harder to co-parent. So much more tension, suspicion, and anger — all of which you both need to shed in order to move on with your own lives and come together for your kids.

19. Alimony holds you back professionally, personally and financially

In most courts, you only get child support or alimony if you earn less than your ex. If that is always on your mind, it is easy to consciously or unconsciously earn less in order to qualify for alimony.

That money often makes women less ambitious, less professionally fulfilled, and more resentful of your ex. This is bad for you, a bad example for your children, bad for women, and bad for the pay and wealth gaps.

Meanwhile, plenty of women flip the script. Dana Lin was guaranteed alimony as a stay-at-home mom with a high-earning ex-husband. But she turned it down.

“I was very ambitious and had great earning potential,” says Lin, 43. “I didn’t want anyone to say I couldn’t make it without him.”

Lin pursued her dream of being a screenwriter, today working as a script doctor and ghostwriter. Two years ago with a partner she launched Zen Life Services, which provides stress training management skills to law enforcement employees.

“Living lean taught me to be more disciplined,” she says. “Sometimes if you have too much of a cushion you’re not as aggressive in pursuing your dreams.”

The takeaway? Keep a foot in the workforce, even when your kids are babies.

Accept as fact you have a 50 percent chance of being divorced, and even if your husband seems to fully support heading a one-income household, deep down he likely feels very differently — or eventually will.

Regardless of what everyone feels, the only feelings that really matter are the judge's. And as more women take the ranks of the courts, there is less legal inclination for alimony — especially when the petitioner is an educated woman who chooses not to earn a living.

Bottom line: Get off the alimony gravy train because your choices affect me, and my choices affect you

Nearly 400,000 divorced women receive alimony — a critical topic when considering post-divorce life, feminism, the pay gap, and women's empowerment — financial or otherwise.

I feel very strongly that every single woman (indeed, 97 percent of people who get spousal support are women) should turn down any opportunity for alimony, aka spousal support, as it is a took to keep women to be dependent on men and not take full responsibility for themselves.

None of us live on an island. This is community and society and we are all intertwined. Choices matter, and when you make choices that hurt gender equality, I am hurt by that. All women, children and men are hurt by that. I am responsible to you, and vice versa.

I get the challenges. I appreciate very much that childcare is prohibitively expensive. I recoil at the fact that the United States has some of the worst maternal leave, child care, and health care policies when it comes to working parents.

I work very hard in both my personal and professional lives to change that. I also understand very much the incredible social pressure to stay at home full time with children.

This pressure is rooted in the misconception (some of the numerous relevant studies cited below) that this is what is best for children. I meet many women who make the decision to fully abandon their earning power and become dependent on husbands with genuine belief that this is what is good for their families.

Many others leave the workforce because child care costs make employment unaffordable.

The United States needs vast policy change.

But votes and calls to legislators are not enough.

Each of us is called to make choices for our lives and families that aim for the greater good — including equality for all people. The more educated you are, the more money, access, privilege you have, the more responsibility you have to others to live a life that pushes the envelope for positive change in the world.


The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids

Why is child support so unfair to fathers? A case for needed reform

A dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”

What is parental alienation? Recognize the 18 signs


And women will do what when men stop marrying them?

The Internet is already rife with complaint from women about how men don’t want to date or marry them. It’s only going to get worse.

Single man, never married, no kids, financially successful, serial dater, socially and politically conservative. Wait! Don’t leave! I believe and am convinced that legal equality in marriage laws are the only conceivable next step improvement from the disastrous, dysfunctional position legal marriage is currently in. The rights of husbands, fathers are minimized under the current system while the risks and obligations are greater than they’ve ever been in history. I’m also convinced it won’t happen for the same reason ERA wasn’t passed in 1970s unless we see a drastic backlash. Women, in the majority, don’t want actual equality.

Actual equality isn’t simply equal rights between the sexes. Actual equality means equal rights, responsibilities, obligations for both sexes in marriage and everywhere else in as much as I t’s possible. The truth is actual equality would be one hell of a step down from the place of privilege most women in the West are presently in. Do the majority of women in the West want military draft obligations, selective service? Mandatory 50% child custody, no child support, no alimony following a divorce? Fault based divorce? I could go on.

I’m all for traditional gender roles personally but these were legislated out of existence decades ago and aren’t coming back. Short of a complete societal collapse Forget about it. Even Trad-cons seem to have forgotten that traditional marriage had obligations for women too, not just men. Most modern western women are trying to stand with one foot on the privileges of traditionalism and the other on the privileges of feminism. Avoiding the obligations of both. Men are finally starting to see this now. It’s grotesquely abusive to men and we’re getting sick of it.

The backlash: be it PUA’s, MGTOW or ordinary men standing around the golf course or fishing hole. Men are down on marriage.”Don’t get married, don’t have kids”. We hear it all the time. Without the biased, discriminatory legal marriage system most of women’s power to manipulate men goes away. What then? Perhaps we’ll get the chance to negotiate an equal arrangement, if civilization survives.

I think this article is extremely sexist. Feminism is about empowering women to have the freedom to decide what THEY want to do, and what works for THEM. Its not anyone else’s business to judge them or call them less of an adult because they made the decision to stay home with their children. Telling a women that she is less than because of that decision is sexist.
I agree with the point that women who stay home should not pass judgment on those who work. I agree that its totally wrong and completely sexist to make judgments like that, but I think this article does the same exact thing to women who stay home. If I wrote an article about why working women are bad for the family then that would be sexist right? How is this any different?
Consider my situation. My husband did not have a college degree when we met. He had dropped out and he had been working full time as a bar tender. He did not have much opportunity to go back to school at this point because he had to meet his financial needs as well. Luckily for me I had already finished school and was working as a teacher. I was earning enough money to fully support us both while he went back to college.
I supported him financially for 5 years until he was able to get a job working in software.
After another 3 years of us both working full time I fell pregnant and we made the decision to have me stay home while he worked. There were many reasons for this decision including the fact that childcare is expensive, hiring a maid would have been very expensive, and after giving the physical stress of a complicated birth I wanted nothing more than to take some time off for myself and my daughter. Thats what made the most sense for us.
Are you saying that because of that decision that I made after 5 years of supporting my husband that I am somehow no longer an adult?
Think about that.

“Feminism is about empowering women to have the freedom to decide what THEY want to do, and what works for THEM.” What about what their husbands want to do? What if those men do not want to support a woman for the rest of their lives? What about what is best for children? Society? Gender equality? Feminism is not just about self-interest, just as public health is not about individuals choosing to wear a mask or not during a pandemic.

“Feminism is about empowering women to have the freedom to decide what THEY want to do, and what works for THEM”

This is selfishness, dressed up. The article goes at length about certain choices woman make and how it hurts others, both men and women. But no, never mind all that. I want to do what I want to do

I completely agree. The author is extremely bitter. My husband alone earns more money than we know what to do with so I’ll take the luncheon dates. I love being home and raising my small children. How dare you try and make women feel guilty for choosing this life, how dare you presume every couple is headed for divorce. I’m a proud stay at home mother and wife. I am an educated woman and if my husband ever decided to ‘leave me’ then rest assured I have no problem getting a job. I’ve worked hard before and could (if it was the right decision for our family) work hard again. Also know that a woman’s decision to stay home and be with the children she born has absolutely no bearing on your time working the daily grind, that was just laughable

Thank you for talking sense. Even my mum, who quit her job to stay home with me (much to my displeasure AND hers), says in hindsight that it does not make sense to rely on another person to provide for you financially. Not a decision I was ever encouraged to make. Luckily my dad did not have trouble finding work, but I remember knowing throughout my childhood that we would be absolutely screwed if anything ever happened to him. A single-income household is not a recipe for financial security.

I have a thing about stay-at-home mothers. Honestly, I do not know too many women my mother’s age who honestly enjoyed staying home with their children. That was simply the expectation at the time. Their frustration made itself known in how they treated their children. I really struggled to understand what mum staying home with me facilitated, other than us arguing constantly. All anecdotal evidence of course, nothing that would hold up to scientific scrutiny – but it really rubs me the wrong way when people extol the values of stay at home parents as if they are all saints.

Wow, THANK YOU! I am a successful woman dating a now divorced man, who pays his stay-at-home (of school-aged children) ex wife an insane amount of child support and alimony, along with the remaining sum in his retirement. Within 6 months of her filing for divorce, he loses his very lucrative job at a company that did away with his elevated position. To make ends meet, he got a job making 1/4 the amount he used to (and that is still the amount he makes.) Although, she had the audacity to go into court demanding she be paid child support and alimony based off his old salary… all while she voluntarily quit her job that she held for 6 months. During the marriage, he paid for her four year degree and she earned a BA at a well-renowned university. After over one year of dragging out the divorce, she got a job as a receptionist for 6 months, but voluntarily quit before trial to show the courts she was unequipped to make money. She has since resorted to substitute teaching here and there, claiming 12,000/year is the best she can do. It is so frustrating to watch a man work so hard and be bound to an ex. The money he works so hard for isn’t even enough to pay his mortgage after paying her child support and alimony every month. Some women have a really twisted notion and very entitled attitude, especially coming from the stay-at-home mom, I’m sorry, housewife, world.
This is brilliantly written.

Exactly. Well said. Getting back into the workforce, unless you had a high demand, specialized profession is extremely difficult. People who have left traditional careers for a long period are screened out before anyone even sees their resume and this massive discrimination women face by OTHER WOMEN who never left the workforce is the worst. And dont even get me started on ageism… over 50 and forget it. This article is extremely condescending and belittling to the valuable contribution stay at home parents make to their families and the community. Many volunteer many hours. How about we encourage more opportunities for parents to get back into the workforce? How about we start paying wages to the stay at home parent and take that work seriously. Of course my staying home helped my husband advance in his career and my not helicopter parenting, but advocacy, enrichment and support for their unique needs within the public school system in our urban area was a contributing factor to all three of our sons receiving merit scholarships to undergrad and grad school. No one else could have provided for them as well as I was able to. I believe every child should have that support and opportunity. BTW the work and time got more involved after they started school. It didnt ease up… and I always noticed how I and the other SAHP were in effect subsidizing the working parents through all we were contributing to our schools and organizations. I had to roll my eyes at the sometimes demanding an snooty ” Well SOME of us have to work” attitude. Anyway… this is clearly a touchy subject and hell yes. I will expect and deserve alimony until I’m able to attain income parity (if I’m ever able to do so).

I get where you’re coming from but singling out stay at home moms seems a little sexist in my opinion. I think having one parent who is willing to stay at home to be actively involved at least in the early part of childhood is great for kids. I know plenty of men (including my brother) who are married to women who earn more than them and made the sacrifice of staying home with the kids until they started school.

I don’t think the article is singling out stay at home moms…. In fact it is the other way around… I have seen many stay-at-home-moms judge and shame working moms. It’s time they stop doing that. If their choice was to stay-at-home they should not posture in front of working moms as the ‘better mom”. Happens too often and that is NOT ok.

You sound exactly like a right-wing conservative here when it comes to earning your own money yourself, but then you could hear left-wing Feminist SJW talking points interspersed in this missive.

I agree with the right-wing talking points heavily, about people getting off their ass and working in a free-market capitalist society.

Join us in the right. We’d love to have you.

Emma, I kinda became a right-winger for my wife and her SAHM values, even adopting her religion. I remember when we first met she would be struggling with “adulting” and I would lovingly tell her to put her big girl pants on- she HATED when I would say that. but I would always bail her out. Now, after 5 kids and my good income she is now becoming very progressive. I am now revisiting my progressive upbringing thanks to you.

Prellis is kinda right about you, not only do you sound like a right winger, I couldn’t believe it was written by a woman.

Not only is what you said kinda “right-wing” but it is what every young boy hears when they need to become a man. Grow up, get out of the house, get a job, quit complaining, don’t make excuses, nobody owes you anything, if you fail its simply your fault, all your baggage is there because you made it, etc.

You have made me see my wife in a whole new light. I felt so angry and guilty and confused that she would abandon our trad lifestyle, but the truth is she CHOSE to have a 5 kids when I wanted to stop at 2, she CHOSE to leave her career field and home school, she CHOSE to stop going to college. I always simply supported what she wanted, both emotionally and financially, and I even enjoyed it right along with her. Now I am done supporting her flirting around with single men at the gym and half-assing homeschool. If she wants to be progressive she can get a full time job and help me pay all this debt!

Right wingers don’t hate women, that is propaganda. If you simply start off with the assumption that everyone has always been told, that mothers should be home with their kids and you should not outsource the upbringing and warehousing of your children to a daycare, then it follows that right wingers love women and children. Even the progressive wealthy white women you deal with have been told the traditional model works, and social studies show that wealthy white couples live very trad lifestyles no matter how progressive they might be. They live in the whitest towns, send their kids to white shcools, shop at white malls, marring within their race, on and on.

Read the book “Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood In the First Three years Matters” by Erica Komisar. She cites numerous studies and research the demonstrate the importance of the loving presence of mothers for young children.

Emma, no one can disagree with you because a few “studies” tell you what you want to hear. Well there have been many studies throughout the years that say the exact opposite of what you think is “fact.” Anyone who acts like one perspective is the only way sounds ignorant. You sound ignorant and angry. You also sound like a mother that is worries about EVERYTHING except your children. I feel very sorry for them. Love is what matters. Money and capitalism seems to be the only version of success to you. Once again, what a shallow life to live.

Wow …. look at you … telling someone how to live their life. The fact that you feel the need to name call the author who posted a logical article supporting it with facts says a lot about you and your insecurities. Love is what matters, but there is no need for another woman to justify to you how much she loves her kids if she’s working also. Live and let live…. You make your choice but don’t judge women who don’t choose to live the way you do. Period. It’s THEIR CHOICE. And that does not make them a worse mom than any other stay-at-home-mom

*Please disregard the first submission and post this one.

You claim that you provided evidence, but the citations used as your evidence to support the arguments were not all coherent.
Here are the ones that I noticed. The article you cited to prove your point 3 “Stay-at-home moms hurt the economy” doesn’t prove that women who drop out of workforce hurt the economy. It would be more accurate to say that the article points out that a society where unpaid work is inequitably shared, and the lack of parental leave and the lack of on-site childcare at work could be preventing the economy from growing. Also, this following refutes your points.
As for point 4, the citation doesn’t support your argument that choice to stay home hurts the hiring and promotion of other women. The article shows that it’s the prospect of women getting pregnant and having children that puts all women in a contingent position. It doesn’t point out that the departure of women discourages the managers and companies to from hiring and promoting. In point 10, you claim, “Women who don’t earn their own money are more likely to suffer domestic violence.” If you read the link you provided “the signs of financial abuse”, it’s clear that women who work and earn income can fall into victims of financial abuse as well. In your point 12, you write, “When women stop working, you have far fewer choices, and we all lose.” However, you don’t provide the proof on how ‘all’ women lose instead of just those who stopped working. By the way, the link provided seems to not work.
Your targeting women who leave workforce seems to have roots in your perspective of the point 5 “Staying home means you abandon the women who stay and fight.” However, blaming stay-at-home moms for your frustration towards the fight against gender inequality is not the right strategy to tackle the issues that all women face. I’m afraid it will neither improve the status of women as a whole nor inspire women who do not share the same view.
You’re doing a great work to make changes in gender inequality. As you said, “We can’t have equal numbers without equal participation.” You might not want to alienate those women who have chosen to stay home if their participations matter.

A great article. You raised many good point supported with evidence. There is a lot of pressure on women to have children and to be stay at home moms or feel guilt about not doing so. I for one, had a stay at home mother and really wish she would have gotten a job. It would have been so much better for the whole family if she had had a job outside her home for many, many reasons. I for one, would have had a much better role model and later probably a better relationship with her when I started my own work life. As a working woman, I have very little in common with my mother and our relationship is just civil, but we are not close. I intend to keep my job and autonomy and be a very different kind of role model for the children in our family.

I can see a lot of negativity and misunderstandings in the comments You were very, very brave to write this, but it should be discussed.
Thanks again.

I was married 23 years. To a no good cheater who had a 12 yr work wife, and a girlfriend on the side at the same time! Anyhow, i got alimony, and he new damn well i deserved it because he agreed to pay me 25,000 a year….he already had a RN he was seeing so he knew he wouldnt miss the 25,000…well, he never wanted me to work because every time I did he made my life hell! What no supper ready!! You need to be in the home, he would say! So I never worked! I tried! Once I found out about the cheating, I was done! Anyhow, he did stop the alimony, because his RN slut was bow his new wifey and she was jealous about our seperation agreement. I didnt care at this point. I should have fought it, still could actually! I wonthe priceless prize though! His own 2 sons who are 26 and 24, and his daughter 20 dont speak to him. All college educated and daughter in college still…that alimony did pay her expenses also while in school. So he is a pos! He now has 3 step adult daughters who get the money now…i laugh because the RN will quit her job soon…Men who are cheaters need to pay alimony! Poor man (lol) had to pay 170 a week for her child support …poor man tried to stay in the home with me until she turned 18 but I kicked his ass out! So this article is so lame and sounds written from a bitter fool. Also, if not for me he wouldnt have been hired where he works the past 23!!!!!!! I got him his career, because I knew the boss!! My brother in law!

Married for 23 years. My wife had many lovers during that time and like an idiot I stayed. She stayed home for 7 years with our children (who reside with me full time). She did not cook or clean. She didn’t take them to doctors appointments or pick them up from school. She didn’t pack lunches or make them breakfast. She didn’t get up in the middle of the night when they were infants. They didn’t go to her when they were sick or scared in the middle of the night as they got older. They came to me. My girls are my everything, my world. My emotionless soon to be ex wife left us over a year ago. She was staying off and on with her mother and friends and 2 different men up until now. We are finally almost divorced. She dropped her child support request because the girls do not want to stay with her and it would get messey. Now we are just dicussing alimony. Apparently, she just rented an apartment. They are brand new too! The rent is 2300 per month. My rent for my 3 bedroom home is 1800 per month. There are many 2 bedroom apartments, homes, townhomes etc in our town for rent and they vary between 1300-1800 per month. Now I am in a position where her monthly alimony is needed more than food for our children. I am told I made too much money last year (overtime from a bad winter with a lot of snow). $125,000 for the year. She made $45,000 for the year. I am deducted medical and pension on my paychecks so my take home is much less than the average person. With everything taken out of my pay my normal pay is just under $4000 per month. I have 4 daughters. So, I am supporting a family of 5. She has requested $2500 per month in alimony. I have been sick to my stomach these past few months. I was a good husband but I am a proud and devoted father first. I spoke to our children to let them know things needs to change. My older daughters need to help me with bills as they have jobs now. I am not that person who can take money from my children but I don’t know what else to do. I had told my soon to be ex that taking food out of our daughters mouths so she can have a luxury apartment is heartless. She honestly just doesn’t care. She doesn’t even care that her girls don’t even want to go see her new place. She just claims she only wants what is owed to her. All I can think about is what am I owed from this marriage? I will say as far as the court system goes, it def favors women. I understand that my situation is not that common as a lot of men are jerks but it has been so difficult for me when dealing with the courts. I am relieved that the custody issues have calmed down but realize its because she is doing whatever she can to make sure she gets the most amount of money. Alimony is the key to get her the most money.

Literally never getting married…Yall seriously like ” You supported me for 25 years and bought me anything I wanted and because of that now I want everything you’re worth!”

Wow…yes you have hit all targets Emma for sure! Haha I have to agree with most points here, as a woman who quit her job to follow a successful husband, and has had difficulty getting back to the workforce, to the cost of fighting the ex wife over lifetime alimony because she wants to live in southern California and work part time while traveling to foreign countries (and shes Japanese, comes from a rich family) this goldigger is stealing from my family , its been 12 years…she makes more per hr than I do, and shes trying to collect money for our deceased stepdaughters school tuition, thats disgusting. Ive always worked and made my own way, I didn’t even want to include my assets in the court hearing because they were all acquired before the marriage, but we didn’t have a choice. Oh and shes engaged and the boyfriends been living with her for over a year . The system is certainly one sided…luckily our judge thinks shes tacky and sounds like this may be ending finally, 130k later. I believe in compensation but theres a point where its abuse. I compared it to my friend whos husband died, she doesnt get any alimony, hes gone, thats the hand life dealt her…yes there was some life insurance but not much…just because you were married doesnt mean they take care of you forever.

Well written Emma , and thankyou for your balance and analysis .
I’m not an American , but have always been staggered by the utterly ridiculous concept of Alimony and who actually receives it , child support can be understood , but the concept of Alimony has no place in a separation today , well passed the used by date .

Thanks again .

This is the dumbest article. I am so thankful to be a stay at home mom. Raising a 10 month old and being 6 months pregnant is exhausting. I dont know how I would survive if I had to rush my kid off to daycare and work all day then come home exhausted to a grumpy and tired kid.

Staying home has kept my child healthier, happier and more content. He and I have really formed a strong bond. He loves to snuggle up with me during naps and I wont complain! I’ll take all the snuggles I can get. They dont last forever.

I am the one who decided to have children. They are my responsibility. So, why would i want to drop my little one off at daycare into the hands of a stranger to raise? The kids are mine and by having them I decided to take on the responsibility to care for them. I couldnt imagine putting my baby in daycare.

Being at home means I know the care my children receive. I’m in control of their schedules and they have the freedom to choose when to nap and eat. They can freely play and relax in the comfort of their home. They feel safer and I know they are not being bullied or being forced to sit in soiled diapers.

Your children are what matters most. Their wellbeing is all that matters. Listening to a stupid feminist society should be the last thing on your mind. You are really going to put a bunch of pink hat wearing parading women before your own children? Who cares what they think. Motherhood is a gift. Children are a blessing from God. Taking care of them and raising them right should be top priority.

I was a stay at home mom for 10 years (due to the difference in age in my kids). My husband convinced me to help him with his business by staying at home longer, never EVER even ONCE helped out with his own kids, I left school so he could pursue his dreams, and now that he wants a divorce because I finally spoke up about the abuse I’ve been suffering, I don’t deserve the same chance he got? Wow. You are certainly mommy bashing. The fact of the matter is by helping him, giving him the opportunity he WILL not have once we aren’t together, I gave up my earning potential, and recently even got rejected from Aldi for a job because I’ve been out of the force for so long. So, yeah, he does owe me so I can finish what I need to, school wise, so I can move on with my life. He got help and sacrifices from me, a s**t ton of them, now it’s my turn. Furthermore, I have a lot less time before retirement to earn a decent income. He’s had twelve years, and if I’m lucky, I’ll start putting retirement money away a year from now when I get a “real job.” I wouldn’t be surprised if this article was actually written by a white chauvinist male….

I loved this article as one of the 3% of women who pay their ex-husbands alimony. Thank you for this well thought out and articulated piece.

Fyi-we were neighbors, I lived on the “sandwich side” of lake holiday from 1984-1991…so howdy ole neighbor :-)

I can make a case for working mother’s destroying the economy, can even cite studies, will that change how you live your life??

Yeah, didn’t think so.

However, just simple common sense will tell you that if one parent in each household leaves the workforce for 15-25yrs, there are now more open jobs, leading to lower unemployment, & therefore higher pay for those who choose not to have children or the working parent in the household.

Through several anthropologic & archeologic projects, internships, & research, my oldest daughter can tell you that loss of gender identity & gender roles has been the downfall of almost every civilization in history! That’s a scary thought!!

Not to mention that i can typically pick out all of the daycare kids on the playground…there IS a difference!

As for those denigrating volunteer work by stay at home mom’s, you truly should be ashamed of yourselves!! It is amazing that we have talented and compassionate people willing to expend their resources to selflessly help others-while all of society benefits from their efforts, & their children learn wonderful humanitarian lessons!!

Not to mention, what about personal choice??? I have 5 kiddos, 4 daughters, my oldest is just starting school to enter the world of law/politics(after internships in anthropology, archeology, politics, law, geology, & paleontology, plus many many community volunteer hours…all made possible because I am a SAHM & she choose to be homeschooled). She made this decision in part to be able to dictate a career that will allow flexible employment when she has children as she recognizes the importance of having a parent always there for you, but also thinks she wants to work-she isn’t 100% yet…ps she will work, mom knows. (#2 is a boy-who wants his wife to choose, but hopes she wants to stay home since he is on his way to becoming a pilot-if she chooses to work, he is hoping they will live near one of us to help with their kids.) #3 is head strong & still young, but i have a feeling she will follow close to #1s footsteps, for now she just wants to be an olympic gymnast & have me change all her baby’s poopy diapers(honestly, this is the one that may never have kids-&that’s an ok choice too!! :-)). #4 is a different type of kid, she is a nurturer & it would likely hurt her deeply to have to work and be away from her children. She will be happiest as a wife & mother. The type that throws together grand last minute dinner parties, hosts all the neighborhood kids, & can dance backwards in high heels all night long ;-) #5 is head strong, tough, & is the one that will either have a house husband or maybe want to be a force in her career & submissive at home-it could go either way.

My point in this is that all people, all women/girls are different, with different priorities, hopes, dreams, & ultimately different paths…they are all valid paths!! Me being a stay at home mom did not negatively impact my children, if anything it made them more cognizant about their choices & the future impacts, realizing that they wanted the flexibility to do both! To stay home AND work :-)

Most of us stay at home moms tell our children(even our daughters)that they can be anything they want to be!! Whether that anything is a working mom or a stay at home mom or President of the united states, because we believe in a woman’s right to choose her own path in life!!! And most of us will be right there beside our children/daughters to help and encourage them through their chosen path!! I cannot ever imagine limiting my daughters choices as you have!!

The real questions…
Would you think less of your daughter if she chose to be a SAHM??? How about your son if he & his wife decide for one of them to stay home??

Just food for thought.

Simple common sense will tell you that we can’t have equal numbers without equal participation. So we can’t have it both. It’s really as simple as that. If a woman does leave her career to support her family … she can’t expect there to be an equal number of female leadership in her career when she jumps back in (or if her daughters decide to work). And if leadership is all men … she can’t expect there to NOT be a glass ceiling. She can’t expect her daughter NOT to get harassed or told to smile more or propositioned. Because she is not there to protect her. I don’t make the rules. Reality’s sucks, doesn’t it?

Check yourself before ripping a woman who is fighting the battle for your daughters on your behalf.

It looks like Tammie wants to do the fighting for her own daughters. What a novel concept?!?! It doesn’t look like she needs you, or anyone else, to do the fighting for her, or her family. Simple common sense will tell you that identity politics aren’t what drive strong economies. All they drive is bigotry. Check yourself before ripping a woman, simply for being making her own decisions.

Thank you for your response! I hold a Masters in Education K-12 School Counseling. I worked in public K-12 schools for 7 yrs, taught at the college level for 5 years and for the 1 1/2 yrs I have been the Director of a Childcare Center. While teaching college, I was able to work part time and raise our daughter. I was not able to stay at home when my son was born. I have been a full time worki g mom watching someone else raise my child and watched my child get what was left of me at the end of the day. I have been the part time working mom who enjoyed spending time with my child, raising my child, volunteering, pouring time into hurting friends and having time to do things as a family. These past 2 1/2 yrs have been rough working full time (40-60 a week) pouring myself into other people’s children, teaching and training staff to only have them leave within 6months, dealing with the daily “guilt ridden” mom who feels bad that she has to work and leave her child at childcare, fighting the historical “babysitting ” mentality of everyone, yet trying to assure that children’s developmental needs are being met through our program. All the while, my children are getting what is left of me at the end of a very hard day.

Long story short, I was not made to work like this. I’m a giver, a helper a nurturer. I want to stay home, yet society frowns upon it. I want to assure that my children, family and home is taken care of. There are things I can do to bring in money to help my husband, but I believe the best help I can be to him IS by being home. The only way two working parents work is if BOTH take on home responsibilities, which doesn’t always happen.

To claim that stay at home mom’s are increasing the pay gap and gender inequality is just ludicrous! Why is moeny aleays the most important? If a woman xhooses to make her career her life, then you better have a great husband whonis willing to help out with the kids and the house, otherwise, don’t have kids!! It’s not fair to a child to be raised by childcare centers. I’m glad there are people out there that love kiddos, but unless you are sending your child to a center with degree holding teachers and childcare providers, STAY HOME! There is tons of research to show the detriment to child development and increased long term societal burden of low level care childcare/daycare.

So, societal burden and long term effects???? Let’s look at all sides and let’s women stop being so selfish. When you chose to marry, have kids, or just have kids regardless of marital status, you have lost the right to be selfish.

I hope that Emma can read my comment before it gets removed. As an educated, intelligent strong-willed mother I find your judgement and generalizations disgusting. If I could speak to your face the only thing I would say is FUCK YOU!

Some research shows that people who use profanity are happier, healthier, and more intelligent than those who don’t. :)

This article rally angers me. Of course, in a perfect world- women would have a corner office, $145K salary, healthy investment portfolio liq mmmme savings while being a trophy wife, Class Mom, Junior League Chair, who runs marathons after teaching the 15 Pilates classes she does for fun. If she was suddenly left a widow or got divorced, she wouldn’t even miss a beat, Just buy a home a few streets from her previous one with all that sweet extra cash she cleverly saved up…start dating one a wealthy, handsome man she met during a charity gala or Habitat For Humanity board meeting.:.when she didn’t have her children (her custody agreement is perfectly even, fair, and most importantly-not a burden on the ex husband, because the children’s expenses are covered by both parents. ) She actually glows up after the split, becoming an advocate for change in the structure of divorce settlements, including eliminating the alimony expectation & child support. She encourages the legal system to advise all women in all divorce cases that the expectation is that just as the ex-h will go right back to his office after the final divorce hearing, she will be responsible for her own needs

. Viva la Femme! End the Oppression of the Divorced Man! Be a Gold Digging, Self Indulging Whore no More! No longer will your former husband continue to pay for your days of excess…massages and blow outs with the other wives, sipping champagne cocktail

at Neiman’s as your personal stylist presents the newest couture,

The above narrative is just as much a delusional fairy tale as the one being commented on. The authors rather simplistic explanation of the way a woman should live her life, choose her career path, raise her family and structure finances is offensive, presumptive, exclusionary of the individual circumstances faced by any woman besides the upper middle class, private school daughter turned Dartmouth valedictorian who takes her VP of Important Company Stuff at Daddy’s squash partners Investment Firm,. It’s an example of the DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T mentality that’s serves to shame every woman who does ANYTHING…EVER.

Sorry. Women (and the rare male) who take alimony are just human slime. I am glad I am married to a true feminist who always worked and comes from a wealthy family sustained by trust funds. I know I will never be made an alimony slave. I raised my own daughter to operate under her own internal locus of control free of a man both emotionally and financially. Good gawd. Alimony? Living off a man was not what the suffragettes sought.

I commend you for your hard work and being a single mom. And thank you for writing this article because it’s a conversation we all need to be a part of. Whatever your gender. You know what? You can’t make people believe your truth and vice versa. Emma wants to live her life according to scientific studies. So what? She is killing it according to what she believes to be important and live by. She bases her truth on what she is being ztold by science. That is her right to do so. Basically any of us can find scientific studies to help wage our war. It is unfortunate that this article and other recent movements are forcing women to fight against each other. But maybe it’s time for women to divide and conquer. How else can such a varied and great population reach equality: “the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, and opportunities.” This article is only focusing on status. What about my rights? My opportunities? Opportunities will always mean something different among women because we all have different interests, skills and principles. It’s our right. So, I don’t think the answer here is for women to join the workforce even if it means being a cog. It’s more complex than that, just like women. A good place to start might be mutual respect. But what do I know? I’m just a SAHM who creates shame in other women apparently.
To be clear, I am at home, full time with my children, I run our finances, have never been close to being abused by any definition, could go get a decent job at any point, have an amazing and honest relationship with my husband who only encourages and respects my growth as an individual–what else? Oh and I cannot control what other women think or feel based on how I choose to live my life. No one can.

We can’t have equal numbers without equal participation. So we can’t have it both. It’s really as simple as that. If a woman does leave her career to support her family … she can’t expect there to be an equal number of female leadership in her career when she jumps back in (or if her daughters decide to work). And if leadership is all men … she can’t expect there to NOT be a glass ceiling. She can’t expect her daughter NOT to get harassed or told to smile more or propositioned. Because she is not there to protect her. I don’t make the rules. Reality’s sucks, doesn’t it?

Good thing I don’t care about “equal numbers”… I only care about equal opportunity. If there aren’t exactly 50% men and women in the workplace, so be it!

So what if I’m perpetuating stereotypical gender roles? Is that inherently bad or something? Just the idea that if something is a stereotype it’s bad and should be changed. I could never wrap my head around that.
Also, this woman’s #1 priority is money.
That’s what she cares about and it shows in her blog posts.
And she said in one of her comments something along the lines of, “you’re doing what’s best for your family at the cost of gender equality.”
This woman is truly off her rocker.

Divorce destroys mens lives and women lives and children lives. It destroys everyones previoys living standards and future generational wealth and equity. The problem is people are weak and cant work through their own selfish neurosis. They cant think of the bigger longer term picture of life, security, family, and future generations. Its all about me, me, me. Its about whining. About victimhood. Laziness. Easy money. Lust. Boredom. Pride. Egos. Status. All the bs that really holds people down. And all the blind excuses feminists like to use when theyre sekfish weak narrow minded binary thinking people with insincere values, empathy, and insights into humanity and love and life.

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