Why your arguments for alimony are wrong


I have a friend who had been married for 20 years.

He had a high-earning career, and after spending her 20s in low-paid retail jobs, his wife stayed home full-time with the kids, until they were in high school, then worked part-time retail, tried to start a couple of craft businesses that went nowhere, and then started fucking her massage therapist.

When they divorced, this couple stayed on mostly friendly terms and would get together with the kids, who were by then in college.

His career continued on while she struggled bitterly. Since they broke up in the middle of the housing and stock market bust, there weren't many assets to divide.

The kids were out of the house, so there was no child support. When they split, he had been laid off and was unemployed, so there was no alimony.

She went from a very comfortable life as a suburban housewife, to struggling very hard to get by, living in a shared apartment.


Should you keep the house in the divorce?

How to deal when you're a mom who pays child support or alimony

At the time, I was incredulous about this.

Alimony reform

I blindly grew up and into my 30s assuming the standard-issue feminist party line:

Women's work is uncompensated and undervalued. When women become stay-at-home mothers, that benefits men's careers, and when the marriage ends, she should be compensated for that lost earning potential. Both partners' lifestyles should be the same when the marriage ends!

Then I grew up. I began to consider critically about what alimony is really about, researched its ramifications, and simply gave it a hard think. The verdict: There is no place for alimony in 2018.

Alimony was a huge feminist coup in the 1960s and 1970s when divorce rates first skyrocketed, and women had scant professional, education, legal, political and financial standing (Sisters: we were not allowed to hold a credit card in our own names until 1973!).

Since then, the world has changed, laws and opportunities have changed, and so, too, must what we expect from marriage — and life post-marriage.

Thankfully, alimony reform is underway in almost every state in the United States, and lifetime maintenance is more or less over.

Despite the blaring reality that men and women should always have a way to support themselves, women are still pressured painfully to be full-time stay-at-home moms.

Pew Research found that 40 percent of Americans believe it harms children when mothers work outside the home, and 80 percent of respondents told Working Mother magazine they feel guilty for working.

Nevermind the fact that the vast majority of mothers need to work so they and their children can eat, or the mounds of both research and anecdotes that prove that children, mothers, marriages and the economy thrive when moms are employed — we are still told that at-home is best.

Today I understand that turning down alimony is the real feminist coup.

The alimony gravy  train (get off it!)

If you now have your pitch fork raised and are ready to go after me, check your white, rich privilege.

Yes, alimony is a rich, white woman's game. Read on for alimony research to prove how racist a construct this is.

Alimony is received by women

Fact: Per U.S. Census data, 97% of alimony recipients are women.

Alimony is for the rich

Fact: Per the IRS (in the New York Times): “The rich disproportionately deduct alimony — about 20 percent of taxpayers who currently claim the deduction are in the top 5 percent of household income earners.”

Also, the richer you are, the more likely you are to get married. Alimony only applies if you were married. According to Census data reported in this fascinating Institute for Family Studies paper, here is the percentage of Americans aged 18-55 who were married, based on income:

Poor: 26% married 

Working class: 39% married

Middle and upper class: 56% married

Says the IFS: “When it comes to coupling, poor and working-class Americans are more likely to substitute cohabitation for marriage.”

White women get alimony far more than black women

Fact: White women get alimony far, far more than black women and Latinas. While the last report on these figures was based on a 1985 Census figures found that in divorce, white women were twice as likely to get alimony than black women. Those numbers are old, but we know that for the entirety of this country's history, black women marry at a far lower rate than white women. From a paper published by the Department of Health and Human Services:

In 2014, 70 percent of non-Hispanic white children (ages 0–18) and roughly 59 percent of Hispanic children were living with both of their biological parents. The same was true for only a little more than one-third of black children.

Similarly, rich people

No marriage = no divorce, and alimony only applies in a divorce.

Also, black women out-earn their black husbands more often. Chicago matrimonial attorney Lester L. Barclay, author of The African-American Guide to Divorce & Drama: Breaking Up Without Breaking Down, told Essence: “African-American women tend to be better-educated and higher-wage earners so when you’re ending a marital relationship the economic factors come into play.”

This observation is backed by an analysis of Census data and reported here, finding that black and Latina women were more likely to be breadwinners (or co-breadwinners) than white women.

I talk about this on this blog, my podcast, and book, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), and am very proud to say I have converted many moms to getting off the alimony gravy train (one of my favorite reader book reviews: “Thanks for ruining alimony for me forever, Emma!”).

Many women say that this message has propelled them into a life of autonomy independent of the man to whom they were once married.

Nonetheless, there continue to be lots of vintage thinking about money, marriage, family, and gender, and in this post, I explain why all the typical arguments in favor of alimony are wrong.

Related posts on alimony:

Why alimony is bad for women

Tips for women who pay men alimony — and are really angry about it

Why stay-at-home moms hurt gender equality

Alimony arguments debunked

Alimony argument: We had an agreement — He would work and earn, and I would stay home with the kids. He broke that agreement and now owes me.

I am all about approaching marriage as a business deal, and in fact, you did have a deal.

Business deals end every single day, and I know of zero exits in which one business partner is ordered to compensate the other in perpetuity for hurt feelings and lost earning potential.

Divorce, just like in business, includes splitting the assets, debts, and finding an equitable way of managing and taking care of any outstanding obligations (like child rearing).

In business, no one is monetarily punished because the cafe couldn't turn a profit, or the bicycle shop burned down, or the software company went belly-up in a recession.

In business, when shit happens, both partners suck it up and do their best to move on with their respective lives, like two adults.

First of all, a full-time stay-at-home mom is not full-time work after our kids turn age 3. For our great-grandmothers, housework was a a full-time endeavor. It hasn't been since the 1950s. Instead, nearly all housework is automated and outsourced to clothing and linen manufacturers in China, commercial farmers and food manufactures, makers of washing machines, dishwashers, coffee makers, vacuum cleaners, self-cleaning ovens — and every other modern convenience that makes the idea of a “housewife” laughable.

Child care and housekeeping do of course still need to be done, though all research finds that children ages 3 and older do far better at quality child care centers, and benefit zero from long hours with parents. Even for hours that mothers do spend with children have a market rate. Again, if you argue that you should be paid alimony for your house and child care duties, that rate should be based on market rate — not a percent age of your husband's income.

Child care centers costs on average, nationally, $4.90 per hour, according to a survey by Care.com, and the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that house cleaning averages $11.46 per hour.

That means that if you were enjoying a lifestyle that corresponds with more than, say, a $20,000 annual income, you got a great bargain.

And if you were living at or below the poverty line during your marriage, then a judge probably wouldn't grant you any of your ex's income — because there simply isn't enough to go around.

Alimony argument: It is not fair. I forsook my career and earning potential to stay home / work part-time / take a lower-paying job, which allowed him to build his career, and now I am SOL. He needs to compensate me for that lost earning potential, and for helping him to build his career.

First of all, you say that this was a mutually agreed-upon arrangement, and perhaps it was.

But, the real story likely includes some element of at least one of these scenarios:

  • You got laid off/ fired / your business tanked and you just never got back in the career saddle.
  • You weren't very good at your chosen career. Your business never worked out, or you never had much of a career to start with.
  • Your husband urged you to work. Begged and pleaded with you, and you refused.

Maybe it is a little bit of all those stories. These things can be complicated, open for interpretation.

Child care is crazy-expensive, and at the time, it very likely seemed like you had no choice but to stay home.

No matter. The reality: You took a risk, and decided not to have a career — or down-ramped to a lower-paying job with less potential.

You chose to be dependent on a man, even though there are no financial experts in the world who would support that as a wise move.

You knew very well that divorce rates have hovered around 50 percent for 40 years, yet you did nothing to financially protect yourself or your children against that.

Breakups aside, there is pretty much a 100% chance that your husband would

a) Become disabled

b) Become unemployed

c) Become chronically ill

d) Die

You likely have life and disability insurance, which you are far less than 50% likely to need.

But you did nothing to maintain your earning potential which would protect your family in any of those scenarios, either.

That was a risk you took. It didn't work out, and you lost. I'm sorry about that. I really am. But it is not another person's responsibility to compensate you for your loss. Scratch-off didn't win? You don't sue the bodega owner.

As for the notion that you made your husband's career … OMG. First, if you were, in fact, a co-owner of a business, then hopefully you got that legally locked down, and then there are mechanisms for divvying that up, or, in some cases, ex-spouses go on to successfully co-run businesses. Pretty cool.

But if you think that taking care of the kids and house makes a man, guess again.

  1. That man goes to work every day with successful women who are also wives and mothers — many of them single mothers. And plenty of them are really hot. Women can and do it all. (But not entitled ones.)
  2. Increasingly, judges who insist that stay-at-home moms get back to work ASAP are often females — judges who themselves had to claw their way to the bench in a chauvinist industry, while their children enjoyed perfectly nice child care. Male judges are sick of educated, competent, healthy women arguing that they should not have to work — as many of of these guys have professionally hard-working wives (or ex-wives to whom they bitterly pay alimony). The sympathy for this thinking is simply out of step with the times.

Alimony argument: I do work! I am building a business / doing art / going back to school. We agreed I would get this off the ground, and he would support me!

Again, I get that was the verbal contract, and it is now not being honored.

That happens, and it is often unfair. I am sorry.

In the real world, every upstart endeavor has its limits. Startups answer to investors who demand returns on their funding.

Art patrons expect quality, marketable work after a certain period — or other favors. You were in a cushy arrangement in which you did not have to answer for your lack of success.

The good news is that I can attest to hearing countless stories of women who left an unhappy marriage, only to find themselves surprised by their success — and a bit dismayed at the realization that they'd held themselves back professionally, creatively and financially for the sake of pandering to a man's ego.

That was my story.

Ladies, the free market is a beautiful thing.

Too much cushy support with no accountability is good for no one.

This is scary, I know. You can do it. Trick: When I find myself really scared about making it, screwing up my kids, living on the street, I have a mantra:

Dumber people have done this successfully.

[Aside: Like a marriage with vast economic imbalance, artist-patron relationships have historically been poised for exploitation of the receiver of funds. From a New York Times article on a new wave of art patrons:

“Historically, many patron-artist relationships have been troubled, defined by an extreme imbalance of pecuniary power. White female patrons of Harlem Renaissance artists became collectively — and critically — known as “Miss Anne” for their imperiousness. The Gilded Age painter James Abbott McNeill Whistler felt so exploited by his patron, Frederick Richards Leyland, that he vandalized a wall in Leyland’s home … More recently, a young patron-art dealer named Stefan Simchowitz has come under fire for flipping work repeatedly among a small circle of people to artificially inflate its price, and for underpaying artists who are financially strapped.”]

Alimony argument: He has so much more than I do. It's not fair.

You know who has a lot more money than I do? A whole, whole, whole lot of people.

Some of them I know personally.

Do I expect these rich people to write me a check every month to equalize our lifestyles? No, because I didn't earn their money.

You are no longer married to this man.

You do not get to enjoy a lifestyle you did not earn just because once upon a time you were attractive to a man who was able to provide a lifestyle higher than one you earned yourself. I don't care if you are very, very beautiful, charming, from an impressive family or have a golden, fur-lined pussy.

You are not entitled to anyone else's anything if you did not earn it yourself.

He is free to go on and build and enjoy whatever lifestyle he wants. You are, too. That is the beauty of divorce.

The sooner your bank accounts and homes are separate, the sooner you will both go forth, and hopefully, create happy lives.

Perhaps you have a career — even a very successful one — that happens to earn a lot less than your now-ex.

Again, that is your choice. You chose that career, knowing its earning limitations.

Your ex chose a different career — one with a higher cap. Perhaps you love your work, and he hates his.

Do you owe him a slice of you professional fulfillment each month?

Moving on after you've been out of the workforce for a long time

Now look: I know and, you know, the dismaying statistics around finance and women and divorce and moving on after you have been out of the workforce for a long time.

Those numbers are real, and I hope that women far and wide read and heed those facts so that one day we can all stop talking about alimony and gender equality, and move on to repairing the environment and wealth disparity.

Here are some other facts: Women get on with it every single day. Figure it out.

Start new careers, rejuvenate old ones. Launch and build businesses. They do incredible things.

Things they never dreamed they were capable of. Things they could not imagine.

These women all have one thing in common: They are not entitled.

They are not sitting around waiting for someone to hand them anything. They did not take anyone to court for what they felt entitled.

They did not refuse to marry their longtime, live-in boyfriend so they would qualify for alimony (who are these greedy emasculated boyfriends? So much wrong here).


The women who thrive after divorce — including those who had little or no money of their own — hustled their asses off and got results.

These women have something else in common.

They will all tell you this: There is nothing as delicious as money you earn your own damn self.

Alimony argument: This is not money for me; it is for the kids.

No, and you know that. Child support is for the kids; alimony is for the lessor-earning spouse to “maintain the lifestyle in which they are accustomed.” To fulfill that promise, you are putting untold energy, time and money into finding ways to get money from a man with whom you are no longer romantically involved. If you get that money, you will be forever financially dependent on him.

That isn't a good look.

Alimony argument: I was always taught that it is best for children and marriages when the mom stays home, and if the marriage ended, then we were protected by alimony. Now we are all SCREWED.

If you have been arguing with me as you read this, you are likely really angry at your ex, the world, and there is likely a deep sense of shame about decisions you made.

I understand. I was a stay-at-home mom for about a year, and I decided to leave a high-paying career that I loved passionately, without any critical thought at all, because I blindly bought the presumption that being a full-time stay-at-home mom is what is best for children.

Pew Research found that 40 percent of Americans believe it actually HARMS children when their mothers work outside the home!

Turns out, you and I were totally wrong. Research by Harvard's Kathleen McGinn found, after studying 30,000 families in 20 countries, that both boys and girls with working mothers fared better than those with stay-at-home moms.

A University of Maryland meta-study of more than 30 other pieces of research concluded that after age 2, it doesn't matter at all how many hours parents spend with their kids. Stunning. Totally against what we were taught, and what we assumed.

Which brings us to your point: This isn't fair. It isn't fair. You were fed one line, a path for success and family health, and you obediently obeyed. Then the script changed, you divorced, and you are left high and dry.

Here is what no one will say to you: I'm sorry, but too bad, you still have it damned good.

We are in the middle of a war on sexism. A revolution for gender equality. In war and revolutions, there are casualties. Historically, these casualties are lives and limbs and eyesight.

Today, the fallout is that you might have to move from a large house to an apartment.

Or from your own apartment to sharing a home with a relative or friend. You may have to work in a job below your education level.

I imagine that is hard and embarrassing.

Yet, you are not dead or dismembered.

Here, in the divorce wars, the casualties are children — and it is all connected to money. Statistically, the #1 reason for divorced spouses returning to court, again and again, is alimony.

When you are fighting with your ex, you cannot co-parent. When money is at stake, lesser-earning parents (moms) are prone to fight for unequal parenting time, so as to qualify for more child support.

When parenting time is unequal, the lesser-time parent (dads), are statistically likely to check out of their children's lives. Fatherlessness is a critical issue in this country. Money is central to it.

The goal is to raise young women and men to presume financial and logistical responsibilities for themselves and their children.

That won't happen if mothers and grandmothers are modeling financial dependence and presumed traditional gender roles.

That won't happen if young people do not see this model.

When you are going through the life-fuck that is divorce, you likely feel powerless. Every vertical of your life is in upheaval, and the sense of loss of control can be crippling.

The reality is that you have enormous power here. You have the power to focus on your beliefs and morals and act accordingly.

When you tell your ex: “I know I can go after more of your money, but I won't so we can both get on with this,” or “You know I am totally broke here, so if you can agree to pay me alimony for 18 months so I can get back on my feet, we can both move on with it already,” you are so powerful.

You are expressing to him grace and maturity (even if he doesn't deserve it, and I understand that he may not!). You are expressing to your children the importance of co-parenting, and therefore their well-being and security.

You are telling every young woman who is watching you the importance of caring for her own financial self throughout her life.

And you are modeling to everyone watching you the power of forgiveness and strength in the face of adversity — and that includes forgiveness of yourself.

How to find work-at-home jobs that pay well

Did I scare you into upping your income? Feel sad or guilty at the thought of being away from your kids for long hours?

Thanks to technology and a changing work culture that values parents and is happy to offer flexible, temp, telecommute, remote and other work-at-home opportunities, there are countless quality, legit jobs and careers that pay well, and also provide the flexibility to spend time with your family, working out, build a side gig, or otherwise enjoy life.

In fact, working from home tops my gratitude list most days, as it has allowed me to devote concentrated sums of time building a business that I love, pays well, and allows me to spend as much (or little! Let's e real here!) time with my kids as I need to.

This is my list of top, high-paying careers that you can do from home.

The list includes: programmer / coder, graphic designer, translator, virtual assistant, social media manager, corporate event and travel planner, bookkeeper, child care provider, blogger and grant writer.

My favorite job board for moms is FlexJobs — the leading job site specifically for telecommuting, part-time, flexible-time, online, work from home, and other alternative work arrangements that make such a big difference in families’ lives.

FlexJobs was started by Sara Sutton-Fell, a real-life mom who wanted to work from home, earn a good living, and spend time with her family.

Quick facts about FlexJobs:

  • Huge database of screened and vetted (no scams!) temp, part-time, full-time, remote, online and other work-at-home jobs. At time of writing, FlexJobs posted:
    • 32,686 positions
    • 5,594 hiring companies
  • Extremely reputable:
    • Better Business Bureau A+ rating
    • Appearances in the Oprah magazine, Inc., Good Morning America, USAToday, Washington Post, New York Times, and Wealthysinglemommy.com ;)
    • Every company in FlexJob's database has been screened by hand, and found to be legitimate.
    • Job posts and featured hiring companies are hand-vetted by FlexJobs employees. Many of the postings are by Fortune 100 and Fortune 500 jobs.
  • Affordable pricing:
    • $14.95 / month
    • $29.95 / quarter
    • $49.95 / year
  • 100% satisfaction guarantee — cancel anytime, and get a refund if you are not happy with the job selection
  • Easy-to-use site
    • Go to  FlexJobs.com (use promo code FLEXLIFE)
    • Browse for free
    •  When you become a member, you can create a profile, upload a resume, and interact directly with hiring managers
    •  FlexJobs suggests postings for you based on your preferences and resume
    • Search by newest postings

If you need fast, extra cash (not necessarily a new job or career), here is my list of 101 ways to make extra cash, quick. Advice includes easy ways to sell things you have, the best online survey companies, online English tutoring, and rent stuff you own, like your home or car.


The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids

Close the pay gap? Get dads involved? 50-50 visitation and no child support

A dad explains: “Why I don’t see my son.”

Parental alienation resource center

29 ways to co-parent like a pro

About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list.Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.


  1. Ginne on August 27, 2019 at 1:35 am

    Wow…yes you have hit all targets Emma for sure! Haha I have to agree with most points here, as a woman who quit her job to follow a successful husband, and has had difficulty getting back to the workforce, to the cost of fighting the ex wife over lifetime alimony because she wants to live in southern California and work part time while traveling to foreign countries (and shes Japanese, comes from a rich family) this goldigger is stealing from my family , its been 12 years…she makes more per hr than I do, and shes trying to collect money for our deceased stepdaughters school tuition, thats disgusting. Ive always worked and made my own way, I didn’t even want to include my assets in the court hearing because they were all acquired before the marriage, but we didn’t have a choice. Oh and shes engaged and the boyfriends been living with her for over a year . The system is certainly one sided…luckily our judge thinks shes tacky and sounds like this may be ending finally, 130k later. I believe in compensation but theres a point where its abuse. I compared it to my friend whos husband died, she doesnt get any alimony, hes gone, thats the hand life dealt her…yes there was some life insurance but not much…just because you were married doesnt mean they take care of you forever.

  2. David Moloney on July 29, 2019 at 4:08 am

    Well written Emma , and thankyou for your balance and analysis .
    I’m not an American , but have always been staggered by the utterly ridiculous concept of Alimony and who actually receives it , child support can be understood , but the concept of Alimony has no place in a separation today , well passed the used by date .

    Thanks again .

  3. K on May 22, 2019 at 5:26 am

    I was a stay at home mom for 10 years (due to the difference in age in my kids). My husband convinced me to help him with his business by staying at home longer, never EVER even ONCE helped out with his own kids, I left school so he could pursue his dreams, and now that he wants a divorce because I finally spoke up about the abuse I’ve been suffering, I don’t deserve the same chance he got? Wow. You are certainly mommy bashing. The fact of the matter is by helping him, giving him the opportunity he WILL not have once we aren’t together, I gave up my earning potential, and recently even got rejected from Aldi for a job because I’ve been out of the force for so long. So, yeah, he does owe me so I can finish what I need to, school wise, so I can move on with my life. He got help and sacrifices from me, a s**t ton of them, now it’s my turn. Furthermore, I have a lot less time before retirement to earn a decent income. He’s had twelve years, and if I’m lucky, I’ll start putting retirement money away a year from now when I get a “real job.” I wouldn’t be surprised if this article was actually written by a white chauvinist male….

  4. Becky on March 30, 2019 at 5:01 pm

    I loved this article as one of the 3% of women who pay their ex-husbands alimony. Thank you for this well thought out and articulated piece.

  5. Always work on February 14, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    I couldn’t finish this article. I’ve always been a professional woman. I’m divorced. There is no doubt despite my high level of success, the men around me with stay at home wives are on a faster track and easily shoot past working mothers. Why? Simply because they have support at home, when the working mothers have to balance career and home. I need to sacrifice hours for my children’s extracurriculars, doctor appointments, school functions, home maintenance. My job is flexible, but there is no denying when I have 95% of the responsibilities of the children, 100% of the responsibilities of the home and a high expectations career – something gives. The kids are missing out, my work is not as high quality as it would be if I had no distractions, and I’m worn thin.

    So maybe these stay at home mom’s “market value” isn’t great, but the value they are contributing to their husbands by removing the home and child duties, is immeasurable. These men DO make more money, they DO get bigger and faster promotions, and they DO it at the expense of their wives earning potential. It’s not a myth, it’s fact.

    Lifetime of support, no that’s too much. A reasonable amount of support to allow them to educate themselves and build a career comparable to their spouse – yes, that has been earned.

  6. Michel Andre Buhler on February 8, 2019 at 1:53 pm

    Emma – Great wisdom! Here in Florida where we are trying to change alimony laws for the past eight years (with two Governor vetoes being gifts to the Florida Divorce lawyer industry), we are pushing for alimony to be Marriage Unemployment Insurance. Nobody argues that allowing a party that has chosen not to work for the sake of the children (notwisthanding your excellent arguments to the contrary), to get back on their feet. Hence – alimony should be for a limited time and for a limited amount!

    Our Florida Family Law Reform PAC survey indicated that the post-divorce strife around alimony seriously harms the emotional state and relationships with children. It is really time to end this.

  7. Chris on February 6, 2019 at 5:26 pm

    Emma – WWII bomber pilots used to say that the flack is always greatest when you’re right above the target. Many of the responses to your article seem to be from people who are very defensive and will do whatever they can not to look at the hard and uncomfortable truths you’ve outlined. Alimony causes more pain and destruction for all involved in the long run. No need to infantilize women. They are just as capable as men. Equality is when we all, regardless of gender or race, accept the consequences, both good and bad, of the decisions we make. No grown adult should believe in a narrative that has a foundation based on inequality; where one grown adult is ordered by the state against their will to financially provide for another grown adult. It’s gross. It needs to end.

  8. Steveark on January 30, 2019 at 12:45 pm

    Emma, good points and you definitely win the hyperbole award of the week. All research indicates…, there are no financial experts in the world who would support…, there is pretty much a 100% chance… Alright, just yanking your chain! I couldn’t help myself.

  9. Maria on June 4, 2018 at 9:52 pm

    I just love it when over privileged successful women go on rants! You go girl

  10. Lisa Perry on May 23, 2018 at 6:50 pm

    I’m glad things are going so well for you, Emma. However, I find your essay extremely meanspirited and filled with assumptions and privilege. You assume that the divorced mother has the education and ability to work at a job that pays her enough for a sustainable lifestyle. I won’t even begin to argue as to what that looks like. You also assume that ageism plays no factor in the ability to support oneself. Of course, you can’t know that now. I hope you never have to face it. I also hope that you never have to be the primary support emotionally or financially of elderly relatives. That changes things, too. Regardless, good luck to you. You’ve got the world on a string. Hope it continues.

    • Emma on May 23, 2018 at 7:17 pm

      Lisa – Alimony IS a function of privilege. Increasingly, it is only affluent, white people who marry (a requirement for alimony) and enough income from the husband to make it even possible. Twice as many white divorced women receive alimony as black women — who are far less likely to marry in the first place — OR receive child support, but much more likely to live in poverty.

      What planet are you living on?

      • Lisa Perry on May 26, 2018 at 7:19 pm

        I am living on the same one that you are living on. Of course I am. I’m a lot older than you so have experienced life differently. I look forward to the day when your world is a reality, without leaving people behind. I hope all of us, all 350 billion of us can rise up and support one another without shaming. But thank you, you’ve given me a lot to think about. You take care of yourself.

  11. Kim Ross on May 15, 2018 at 9:54 pm

    I do not agree that alimony is a “gravy train” it is fair in that it allows the other partner to have the time to get their career up and going or going to school. The stay at home mom and the working Dad will find themselves in very different circumstances at their divorce. One has an income and the other does not. Having a set amount of time, determined by a judge, in order to get that job or get back in the work force is necessary. It is especially necessary when that Mom is also the custodial parent, taking care of raising the children, which is what typically happens.
    I also believe that each case is unique and is dependent on a number of circumstances.

    • Emma on May 15, 2018 at 9:57 pm

      Not all alimony recipients were SAHMs with no income. Plenty have income- but not enough for them to enjoy the lifestyle their husband’s income afforded them. That is wrong.

      • Shelley on June 14, 2018 at 9:28 am

        That’s your opinion…and opinions are like assholes we ALL have them…

      • Paul Ernsberger on January 31, 2019 at 12:26 pm

        Stay at home status is not a requirement for alimony in Ohio and is not even one of the statutory factors for alimony award, amount or duration. The only factors enforced by most domestic law courts in Ohio are length of marriage and difference in income. Typically alimony will level the net income of the two spouses. My ex has a masters degree and was a professional until she retired in the midst of divorce proceedings. I must support her until one of us dies. She was never a homemaker.

  12. Heather on May 12, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    Wow, you are so angry at stay at home moms and I think you would want to check your tone and remove the insulting comments and assumptions. I disagree with some of your statements but am open to different perspectives as long as they are respectful… And no I’m not ashamed of my life choices… Sheesh!

    • Emma on May 12, 2018 at 5:46 pm

      Are you divorced? How did your lifestyle choices affect alimony and finances? And I am mad: https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/how-stay-at-home-moms-hurt-gender-equality/

      • Heather on May 13, 2018 at 7:23 am

        First, Happy Mother’s Day to you and all of the moms, and single moms, reading this blog. We all should be in this together and build eachother up more than we tear eachother down. With that said, I want to say I have loved your blog and came to it when I was first divorced last year. I have read the article you linked and it gave me something to think about for sure. In my opinion, this article goes too far with stay-at-home mom bashing, almost mommy wars, to make your point. I would especially disagree that staying home with the kids does help further the other spouses career. They can work long hours, take business trips on a whim, don’t have to take extra sick days for the kids and have less other work to do at home so they can dedicate more time and energy to work. For example, my sister has been in all positions, she has stayed home, had her husband stay home and they both now work. She said by far the best situation for her was when he stayed home with the kids. In any case, there is a discussion to be had about inequality in the workplace and in life, but as I said you could’ve done without the degrading comments to stay-at-home moms. I am not ashamed of my choice and no one should be. I am working now and am lucky enough to work for a company with a very family-friendly environment, which is needed to help all women stay in the workforce… if they choose to.

        • Kim Ross on May 15, 2018 at 9:56 pm


        • Lisa Perry on May 23, 2018 at 6:54 pm

          I agree. Thank you.

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