The first holiday season after a separation can feel like one long negotiation. Who gets Thanksgiving? Where will the kids wake up on Christmas? How do you handle a family gathering when it falls during your ex’s parenting time?
Even years after divorce, holiday co-parenting can stir up sadness, frustration, and pressure to make everything magical.
You don’t have to recreate your old family celebrations or make every relative happy. You can build a holiday season that gives your children stability, connection, and room to enjoy both parents.
In Soberlink’s holiday divorce guide, divorced mom and podcast host Andrea Rappaport and family law attorney Leanne Townsend share practical ways to approach the season. Here’s how to put their advice to work.
Table of contents
Make your holiday parenting plan early
Townsend’s first recommendation: Work out the schedule well before the holidays.
Before booking travel or accepting invitations, review your parenting agreement and confirm the details with your co-parent. Think beyond who has which day. Discuss pickup times, transportation, school breaks, and any special events.
If both parents value the same holiday, Townsend suggests alternating years as one possible approach. Another family might celebrate on different days.
The goal is a clear plan that works for your children. A Christmas celebration on December 26 can still include pancakes, presents, and a movie marathon.
Once plans are settled, explain them to the kids in simple, age-appropriate terms. Knowing what to expect can spare them the uncertainty of wondering where they’ll be.
Let go of everyone else’s expectations
Your mother wants the grandchildren at dinner. Your ex’s family has an annual party. You want to keep a tradition you’ve loved since childhood.
Those wishes matter, but they don’t all have to become obligations.
Rappaport encourages parents to distinguish between what must happen and what someone would like to happen. Missing one gathering doesn’t mean you’re letting your family down.
Give relatives the schedule early, and resist the urge to defend every decision. You can say: “The kids will be with their dad that day. We’d love to celebrate with you the following weekend.”
Address alcohol concerns before celebrations begin
For some families, holiday stress includes concerns about a parent’s drinking during time with the children.
In the guide, Townsend discusses alcohol monitoring as a way to document sobriety when alcohol use is a concern or an accusation in a custody dispute.
Soberlink breathalyzers aren’t your average run-of-the-mill alcohol testing device. These are high-tech devices with built-inuses a handheld breath-testing device, facial recognitionidentity verification and, tamper sensors, so your co-parent can’t manipulate the results. After each scheduled test, the systemand automatically sharesd the results with specified contacts, so they have instant proof of sobriety and peace of mind that their kids are safe under their co-parent’s supervision. to help document sobriety. Those records can give parents concrete information rather than leaving them to rely on reassurance alone.
Concerned about a co-parent’s alcohol misuse during holiday parenting time? Learn how Soberlink’s family law alcohol monitoring program works.
Keep communication brief and focused
Holiday logistics can quickly turn into arguments about your entire relationship. An email about pickup time doesn’t need to revisit last year’s disappointments.
Rappaport recommends keeping communication brief, informative, friendly, and firm.
For example: “The school concert is Thursday at 6 p.m. It falls during your parenting time. I plan to attend and wanted to confirm whether you’re bringing the kids.”
Before sending an angry message, pause. Rappaport uses a ranking exercise to decide which issues deserve attention. Ask yourself how much this disagreement matters and how escalating it might affect your children.
Save your energy for issues that have a meaningful effect on their well-being.
Create traditions that fit your family now
You may miss the holidays you once imagined. Your children might, too. New traditions can make room for joy while you’re adjusting.
Rappaport describes decorating her apartment for Hanukkah with her boys and making charitable giving part of their holiday wish lists.
Your tradition can be inexpensive and easy to repeat:
- Drive around to see holiday lights with hot chocolate.
- Cook a favorite breakfast together.
- Let each child choose a holiday movie.
- Donate toys or volunteer as a family.
A familiar activity, repeated with love, can become something your children look forward to every year.
Give your kids permission to feel sad
A fun holiday can still include disappointment. Your child may miss their other parent, an old tradition, or having everyone together.
Rappaport recommends acknowledging those feelings instead of trying to talk children out of them.
Try: “I understand why you miss that. What would help this year feel special?”
They don’t need to perform happiness to protect you. Keep adult disagreements out of those conversations, and let them enjoy their other parent without feeling guilty.
Your holidays will evolve as your family does. Planning ahead, making space for feelings, and addressing genuine concerns can help everyone settle into the season.
If alcohol concerns are complicating your co-parenting plans, explore Soberlink’s options for documenting sobriety during parenting time.
