Weirdness report: Divorcing couples having hot sex–with each other

hate sex divorcing


Whenever I’ve been in a relationship going south, the last thing I want to do is exchange body fluids with a man. Nope. I’m a girl like that: My mind, heart and vag are tight like that. BFFs.  I hear all the time from recently divorced people that the sex was the first thing to go, and by the way, they haven’t had it in years. 

It seems, however, that plenty of girls are not like that. I have been stunned in recent years to hear women recount how, while going through a contentious divorce with a man they despised — could not stand, wanted to scratch with her recently silk-manicured nails his smug face and then pour lemon juice on it — they had great sex. All the time. Could not get enough. 

Like my friend, whose philandering, coke-addicted husband hid hundreds of thousands of hate sex divorcedollars in assets when negotiating their split, mostly skipped out on any parenting responsibilities, and was generally a disgusting human being. Following the final hearing for their painful, drawn-out divorce, they walked out of the courthouse together, jumped into the back seat of his BMW and had at it.

Her explanation? “It was our last hurrah, I guess,” she said. “We were celebrating.”

Another friend and her soon-to-be ex were both dating around after they separated — and fought bitterly — but would still have a roll in the hay every few weeks after he dropped the kids off from their visit and tucked them into bed. “I dunno,” she said with a shrug when asked to explain. “I need to get laid, and that part our relationship never fizzled. It’s convenient.”

A third woman I know can’t stand the sight of her husband, but loves to fuck him. “Everything about him disgusts me, and I would love to divorce,” she said. “But the sex is still really hot.”

As someone who has never had any interest at all in hate sex, I find these reports fascinating. Like I said, if you’re pissing me off, I don’t want to get naked with you. But there are plenty of good explanations for hate-humping:

-It’s easy, convenient and familiar. You know what you’re getting and where to get it. If you’re not ready to date you still get your needs met in the comfort of your own home, and without money changing hands.

-All the tension inherent in divorce for some people translates into sexual tension. Yum?

-Being intimate fro some is part of the grieving process — remembering some of the beautiful things that brought you together is an act of holding on, and wallowing in the pain and loss.

-You’re lonely and worried no one will ever want to have sex with you again. So you find someone who wants to be with you and have sex with you (who happens to be the same person who was with you and having sex with you for the past 17 years).

-You feel rejected and unconsciously hope that if he connects to you sexually he’ll come back.

So I get it, I understand why divorcing couples enjoy rocket sex with one another. But it doesn’t take a Dr. Phil smackdown to know that sooner or later you gotta pull on your big girl black lace boy shorts and not take them off until you are doing a strip tease for a new beau (or the gigolo you hire with your settlement). Because there is no such thing as meaningless sex with someone with whom you loved. And it is never casual if you are embroiled in the inherent misery-making of divorce.

So as natural as it may feel to hit skins with your soon-to-be ex, put on the breaks. Give yourself and the relationship some space. You have so many decisions to make and negotiations to settle. And you must give yourself time and distance to move on. And when you do you’ll find your next lover with a head cleared from your last one. 

Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour,, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post’s ‘Must Read” list.

Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.

A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.

6 thoughts on “Weirdness report: Divorcing couples having hot sex–with each other

  1. I am a male who has been informed by his wife after a 31 year relationship and a 28 year marriage that she wants her freedom from me. I know that I have made mistakes and I am more than willing to not only own up to them, but do whatever is possible to save the marriage and stay with this great woman, but yet she seems unwilling. My wife normally does not read material such as this (at least I believe she doesn’t ) and doesn’t share her issues with others, so advice hunting is generally not in her. I have a read number of articles about this issue from many authors and it is my opinion that what many of you are advocating is that the woman in the relationship just automatically assume that the male is a prick and that he should be shit out like a turd. The woman should then go out and “find herself a new lover” and proceed with her life. That thought doesn’t give men like me a whole lot of comfort. The mere idea of my wife sleeping with another man isn’t exactly the most appealing thing I can think of, and apparently you and others are promoting it. I love my wife and always will. I am currently living with her even though she stated she wants a divorce , which may not happen until spring of next year. I have time that many do not have and I intend to make the most of it. Perhaps you and others should spend more time advising women and men to stay in their marriage rather than getting out. I just read an article that stated this” If more people spent more time working on their marriage as they do their divorces, there would be fewer divorces. Think about it.

    1. WoW! I read the first half of this comment thinking I had written this. Same numbers, same feelings, same situation…except I eventually moved out. I was her first and only…I don’t know if some of that has changed. Headed towards divorce as we speak.
      Please (post) tell me how things panned out?

  2. At first I thought having sex with my husband while trying to divorce him was strange. It felt amazing, I needed it. It also allowed for us to just take a break, clear our heads, and learn what was occurring. Yes, we both made mistakes. It has been 5 years since it happened, things got better. We communicate more and better. It’s normal to have ups and downs, hopefully more ups than downs. We are all human, we all make mistakes, but the hardest part is learning you made them, try to improve on it and move on. Moving on is important, if things are not improving. What I noticed was most of my friends got a divorce and repeated the same mistakes over and over, and ended in divorce again. Glad, I took the risk and we both were able to work it out.

  3. Odd to take one side so unequivocally righteously. The author says I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR yet gives advice that, to me, is guilt shaming. Irritating and disappointing to have ended so preachy.

  4. Or you’re just being manipulative and trying to control your ex/husband by giving up sex so he won’t seek it elsewhere…. Duh…..

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