Am I the only one who notices that the whole show is essentially about single moms? Because it is. It is about women and money, and nearly all of the women are moms — SINGLE MOMS.
Here’s a recap of Downton Abbey’s single moms and what these characters say about the institution of single motherhood — then and now:
Lady Edith. Now, this ugly duckling middle child seems to have been raised in direct competition with her prettier, wittier older sister Mary — both titled young women vying for the same wealthy men to secure their futures. Remember that in the early episodes Edith’s genuine love for the (possibly?) deceased heir Patrick was severely threatened by Mary’s tepid interest in the young man.
Then we watch Edith take a secret lover– the married but otherwise honorable Michael, who owns a successful publishing company. When she gets pregnant, Edith is whisked in secrecy by an aunt off to Switzerland to have the baby, who goes on to live with a local farmer and his wife as a way for Edith to be close to the girl without compromising her family’s name.
It is only in later episodes when Michael is is killed and leaves the publishing company to Edith that the young and desperate mother takes the girl back to live an independent life as a single mother. It’s looking like a contemporary best-case-scenerio — a smart, progressive mother in full control of her family and financial destiny. But Edith’s emotional pull to her family has her returning to a life of shame and conflict in an effort to raise her beloved child close to her loved ones.
Takeaway: Money gives women choices, including to be independent mothers. But the need for family, belonging and community can be stronger than the need for autonomy, though these lines are rarely clear.
Takeaway 2: By way of a survey of the moms at my bustop, it is agreed that one of the most heart-wrenching scenes of this entire series is when Edith, full of determination as well as gratitude, literally rips her young daughter from the farmwife who raised the girl, but is unaware that Edith is the mother, or the circumstances in which she came to be raised by the woman. The lesson here is that when there are secrets — and the shame that forces those secrets to be made and kept — hearts break. Edith felt she had no choice but to rely on another woman to mother her child. Then she felt she had no choice but to rip the child from her caring adoptive family. It is heartbreaking, and I am grateful I live in a time when I have the financial independence and do not face the social shame of times past.
Lady Mary. Oh, Mary. You are so lovable – yet such a pain in the ass! This alpha female appears to hold all the cards. By virtue of being the widowed mother of the heir apparent of Downton, she is set financially and struggles with none of the social scorn Edith faces as being an unmarried mom. Aside from a few passing scenes with her young son George — in which she appears to be an adoring mom — this English princess doesn’t exhibit much in the way of maternal concern.
Her romantic life is another story. Mary has choices, and she exercises them. Even before she met the beloved Matthew, she succumbed the the passionate advances of the gorgeous Mr. Pamuk who literally died in her (naked) arms. With her modern bobbed hair cut she flirts openly with eligible bachelors, including the sweet and handsome Tony, with whom she spent a hotel weekend of lovemaking for the sole purpose of determining if they were sexually compatible, before giving her answer to his marriage proposal.
Takeaway: Mary is horny, and she owns it. She seems to have zero shame about being a sexual woman and a mother, and while she has a habit of keeping men hanging on in a bit of an ego play, she does seem to enjoy the chase much more than she laments being single.
In other words — she is an evolved woman, enjoying her new freedom (no matter how tragically she arrived there) and before risking commitment and heartbreak, is happily exploring her options. Go on with your bad self. If only she’d be a bit sweeter to Edith, I’d be totally enamored with her.
Ethel Parks This young and ambitious housemaid sees opportunity in one of the majors being treated at Downton, which served as a hospital during the war. Despite being caught in the sack by the senior Mrs. Hughes, she continues her affair until she finds herself pregnant. Oldest story in the world, including that the young man dismissed any notion of responsibility to the woman or child. Through only the help of Mrs. Hughes, Ethel manages for a time to get by on her own, but ultimately single motherhood proves impossible, Ethel turns to prostitution and eventually relinquishes her young son to the boy’s paternal grandparents, who are people of some means, and agree only to care for him under the condition she give up her contact with the boy entirely.
Takeaway: You can’t trick a man into marrying you or being responsible for his kids (especially in a pre-paternity test era!). Also: Money makes all the difference in the world.
The Dowager and Isobel Crawley. Now, I’m not sureI consider these women — both likely in their 60s and 70s — to be single moms. Both are widowed grandmothers with adult children. But they are single, and they are hot. Both have suitors — the earthy middle-class Isobel has two gentlemen sword-fighting over her smart self! — and both consider their options with both a tempered thrill in unlikely romance in their late age, and English pragmatism that ultimately renders both still single (at least at the end of season 5).
Takeaway: It’s never too late. And, considering Isobel has no real money of her own, money doesn’t matter. Sometimes.
Single motherhood is the oldest story in the world Mentions of unmarried mothers pepper the episodes, and usually the message is: Without money, single motherhood is rife with destitution and forced, unpleasant decisions. To wit:
Mrs. Hughes reveals in secret to Mr. Carson (so loving this new romance!!!) that her widowed mother cared for her mentally disabled sister, who has for years been Mrs. Hughes’ charge — leaving her penniless in her old age.
Anna reveals in secret to Mr. Bates that her widowed mother remarried a man who sexually molested her, and despite learning of the abuse failed to leave him because she had no other financial options.
When our glorious and token single father Branson discloses to Edith that he knows about her secret child, the working-class Irishman comforts her by saying that children born to unwed mothers and cared for by others is common in his home country. I so love him for sharing that truth. Because it as it does Edith, his acknowledgement that single motherhood is as old as time, and that it can be embraced without shame, is exactly the message that that young single mom needed to hear 100 years ago — and one we can all stand to hear once again today.
Emma Johnson is a veteran money writer, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, REAL SIMPLE, Parenting, USA Today and others.
The Kickass Single Mom: Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children (Penguin, 2017), was a #1 bestseller and was featured in hundreds of media, including The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, Oprah.com and the New York Post, which named it to its ‘Must Read” list.
Her popular blog Wealthysinglemommy.com, and podcast Like a Mother, explore issues facing professional single moms: business and career, money, sex, relationships and parenting. Emma regularly comments on these topics for outlets such as CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine, Woman’s Day, The Doctors, and many more. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” one of “20 Personal Finance Influencers to Follow on Twitter” by AOL DailyFinance, “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and “Most Eligible New Yorkers” by New York Observer.
A popular speaker on gender equality, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality.
Emma grew up in Sycamore, Ill., and lives in New York City with her children.