Single moms (and other strong women) need alpha males

The other night my single mom friend Sarah and I were IMing about how we prefer men who are aggressive in bed.

“I'm the CEO of my entire life!” Sarah complained. “Do you know how hot it is to let someone else take over for 20 minutes?”

“It's not just in bed – give me a vacation from my life for a while,” I responded. I was referencing my weekend date — a guy I met on OKCupid named Lou who I have pretty much nothing in common with but proved to be the perfect Saturday night activity. For the past few months I've been in a dateless funk fueled by disappointment that a love interest didn't pan out and a long, grey, life-filled winter. Despite being little of what I am looking for in the long-term, this Sicilian-born, Harley-riding electrical engineer from Queens charmed me with a witty profile, flirty and articulate messages and pics that suggested — quite accurately, I found — a darling smile and a 6'3″ body built like a brick shit house.

Hotness aside, I knew Lou was just what my mental health needed when he called to arrange the date. He would drive to my neighborhood, so, per protocol, I promised to text him a location to meet. “What are you talking about?” he said in a loud, friendly, Queens accent. “I'm picking you up and I'm taking you out!”

Music to my ears!

Let me back up here. If I had to describe myself — which one is prone to do when she finds herself juxtaposed with a Lou — it would be that I'm a New York intellectual who dates more or less the same. My boyfriends tend to be writers and film makers interested in lefty politics and sustainable urban development. Lots of skinny jeans, the occasional fedora and dates that involve plenty of polite negotiating and triangulating a mutually convenient meeting point. Lou is Republican who wore a gold crucifix under his slim-cut waffle shirt, and he picked me up and took me out.

#1 Site For Love -® Official Site

When I got in the car, I immediately took to Lou's big, warm vibe. He took my hand and kissed my cheek hello, cracking a giant, handsome smile. “What's this?” he said. “You're the only woman I know who doesn't do her nails!” And off we went in his pickup all the way across Queens to a neon-lit Mexican restaurant with valet parking.

I could write a whole post on the beauty of going out with men you have no interest in dating long-term. If you don't care if you ever see the guy again, somehow everyone is freer to be themselves — and enjoy each other more. If I was looking at Lou through relationship goggles, I might have bristled when describing his most recent relationship with a woman who moved into her new house by transporting one dining chair per day in her car.

“Look, sometimes I like to be a man, you know?” Lou said. “I told her, ‘Listen, I'll come by Saturday with three of my friends and we'll move you in one day.' But she said I was being too pushy. Women!” Instead of recoiling in feminist disgust, my interest was piqued. What other ways did he like to be a man? And was he going to show me on our singular date?

That's the thing with the Lou's of the world, Sarah and I agreed. We love that they take over plans for the evening, and then take over our bodies for the night. When you are an independent woman with lots of responsibilities, many men assume that we want to carry out that strong role all the time. But I need to feel like a woman, and the times I enjoy that most are when I am with a man. If I am being honest with myself, being a woman means – to a degree – being passive. And that requires a man who is – to a degree – the alpha.

Lou is not going to be my boyfriend. My boyfriend will be “an artsy-fartsy guy”  (as Lou described my type) with whom I will triangulate our first date. I loved hanging out with Lou, the macho way he relived me of any responsibility for the evening, the easy way I fell into passively following his lead, crucifix dangling in my face much of the night.  But I am a woman with an opinion or 50, and a clear vision for my role in the world. I can't imagine settling for anything less than intimacy with someone who is my partner, my equal. Can that person be someone who is totally dominant? Could I ever be happy being consistently passive?

“You're fun to hang out with,” Lou said, pulling the covers up to his chin. “Do you like to spoon? Roll over, let me spoon you.”

And I did.


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About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, noted blogger, and bestselling author. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour,, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list.Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.  Find out Emma's top Single Mom Resources here.


  1. brandy angelina on October 6, 2016 at 5:48 am

    Hey ! I loved the analysis ! Does someone know where my assistant might get ahold of a blank seekers BSDM Checklist example to work with ?

  2. Gene M. on September 15, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    Greetings & Joy Emma,

    Fist off, congratulations for having 2 very adorable children! You are most certainly an INSPIRATION for all the single moms out there!

    My name is Gene, and I am 6’2″ with a rock-hard athletic, fit physique, who exercises daily, and who has an INCREDIBLE zest and appreciation for life, and enjoys an exciting, active lifestyle! I’ve read your interesting blog post, and wanted to touch on a few things.

    I am a very DOMINANT “alpha” male with two very SUBMISSIVE girlfriends (who know of each other, but do not know each other personally), who are willing to do ANYTHING for me, and LOVE me endlessly! It took time and concentrated focus to get to this level with my ladies, and for purposes of this post, I will refer to each as “girlfriend one” (GF 1), and “girlfriend two” (GF 2).

    As a DOM, it is MY responsibility to BUILD, ENCOURAGE, INSPIRE, and LEAD my girls to be the very BEST they can be on a daily basis – EMPOWERING their STRENGTHS, yet at the same time, having them UNDERSTAND their weaknesses, and that it’s okay to have them.

    This is where that time and focused concentration I mentioned earlier comes in.

    Just so you know, a TRUE dominant is never, ever abusive, controlling, nor domineering in any way – he simply GUIDES his woman (women) to experience an AMAZING life!!!!!

    I also, continually look forward to being my VERY BEST on a daily basis – always seeking to LEARN and GROW – not just with women, but in ALL aspects of LIFE!!!!! And the women I have (or had) in my life are WITNESS to this!

    When I meet a lady who I may add to my team, the first thing I ask her is, “have you ever followed the LEAD of a truly STRONG man?” – and depending on the answer will determine my next step with her. Should I add her to my team, I immediately inform her of my DOM/SUB contract, and the terms therein – I also let her know that she does NOT have to engage in anything that she is uncomfortable with (and amazingly, this encourages her to be very WILLING to WANT to PLEASE me in any way), but should she agree to be on my team, that I DEMAND four things from her – what I like to refer as my “H.I.L.T.” system – HONESTY, INTEGRITY, LOYALTY and TRUST – these are NON-NEGOTIABLE!!!!!

    Believe me Emma, by way of interacting with my girls, women WANT to be FEMININE, they CRAVE to be SUBMISSIVE – this is their PRIMAL NATURE – but until men get and truly UNDERSTAND this, and be the ALPHA MALE she so desperately DESIRES, females will continue to be disappointed in the available men out there who have been “pussified” due in large part to the “restrictions” placed on us by society and the media.

    I really ENJOY being a dominant, and along with building my women up to be ALL they can be, it is also my job … my responsibility … my JOY to give my girls their GREATEST pleasure ever – taking care of THEIR needs first and foremost, EXPLORING every ounce of their sexuality, desires, and any deep, dark fantasies they may want to experience!

    I can recall two very specific times, the first being with GF 1, where as I’m f*cking … no, PLEASURING … no, RAVAGING her in the body surfing/pressing position – all of my MANLINESS engulfing her beautiful FEMININE frame, pinning her hands and body to the bed – as I’M deep inside her, and with a drop of cologne just placed under my chin – as she’s dripping, no POURING wet from her continuous orgasm, I COMMAND her her to look me in the eye, and speak to her “when you smell this aroma, you will immediately think of me and cum for only 30 seconds!” For me, this trigger was absolute GENIUS, and it’s now to the point, where she can get wet when she just has ANY thought of me, or my voice in her mind! Absolutely GREAT stuff!!!!!

    She even wants me to experience my first ever THREESOME, where she wants to, as she puts it, “give her best girlfriend the GIFT of being pleasured by a TRUE dom!” Her current boyfriend is one of those gents who unfortunately, “doesn’t have a clue!”

    Such are the “responsibilities” of the TRUE dominant!”

    The other was with GF 2, where I told her to sit in a chair, and NOT to move … I then handcuffed her hands and legs to the chair – no explanation whatsoever – and placed a blindfold on her. I did not touch her in any way – I just whisper all kinds of deep, dark, delicious dirty sh*t to her, directly in her ear, and as she’s fidgeting in her chair, I made her climax by commanding that she “CUM NOW FOR HER DADDY!”

    I cannot begin to tell you how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE giving my women their greatest pleasure EVER, and CONNECTING with them on every level – totally ERASING the awful experiences they’ve had with the previous men in their lives – guys for the most part, didn’t have a freakin’ clue – such as the unfortunate state of men today!

    Emma, I can tell you, as a DOM, but even more importantly as a MAN, there is NO greater joy than being able to give your women the EXPERIENCES of a lifetime – seeing their reaction to the most mind-boggling, multiple, continuous orgasms a woman can receive – watching her drift off into her most satisfying sleep – just cannot be put into words!!!!!

    It appears that Lou had everything on point, except I didn’t like the way he asked you if you like to spoon, and then told told you to roll over and said he would spoon you – it just seemed too “nice-guyish”, and I’m wondering if subconsciously, you lost just a little bit of the attraction you had for him because of it – only you know the answer to this.

    So when you pose the question, if you can ever be happy with being consistently PASSIVE – I believe with the RIGHT man you CAN be (it IS a woman’s TRUE nature)! The animal kingdom is testimony to this!

    Overall, a very interesting post, and I look forward to future communication with you via your blog.

    Have a BLESSED and JOYOUS day!!!!!

    Gene M.

  3. mgm531 on January 19, 2016 at 4:55 am

    All troll baiting comments aside the fundamental issue I see with this whole alpha/beta BS is the sense of escapism many women want. It’s like they want to be passive lumps of goo and let someone else do all the work for them for a change. Which, admittedly, sounds like inticing, but have you ever stop to think that all the men you may be dating have complicated, exhausting and mentally taxing lives as well? Some of them have careers that require them to have enormous responsibilty or some may have children and ex’s of their own that require them to deal with the same stuff that you do. Heck a lot of the probably have both. And that as much as they would really like to find a wonderful woman to spend time with and get know the last thing they want is yet another job as a event planner and entertainment coordinator. Maybe many of these men want to escape from the same day-to-day grind for a few hours with a pleasant companion as you do. Maybe for change they’d like to have to be responsible for the thousand of decisions they are required of them on a daily basis and maybe every once in a while it’d be nice if someone else made the decisions so they too could just relax and enjoy the moment. But no, I guess as a man you’re not allowed to do that, because that’s just not ‘alpha’ and we all know that chicks dig the alphas, right?

    • Emma on January 19, 2016 at 4:02 pm

      If that is what they want, they can/should ask for it. The alphas I know like what they like. Not that complicated.

  4. Lol louise on November 22, 2015 at 10:16 am

    Omg! This was very interesting read. Both the blog and all the comments! I love it! Emma, I definitely want to give you kudos for your responses to all the comments both in support of and not in support of your view points. Well done!
    As a woman, I can’t speak for other women only for myself but I must say I’ve always loved an alpha male. It’s so easy to allow him the wheel to drive. I think like with mostly everything thing else in the world he drives much better with great navigator. They may not be equal in rank but they’re fantastic in their respective roles.
    Keep up the awesome work!

    • Emma on November 23, 2015 at 11:40 am

      :) thanks!

  5. Thor on March 21, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    This is why I don’t go beyond casual dating single moms. We know most single moms “settle” for nice guy for additional provision to raise their kids whilst wishing they were in the arms of a “hunk”.

    90% once the kids are grown or at least independent, the single moms kick the guy they’ve been with to the curb so they can pursue “bad boy alphas”. It’s no coincidence this coincidently transpires when the woman reaches her sexual peak (35-45).

    Men are becoming wise to this ruse and why so many single moms have no problem dating but have difficulty finding quality men for long term relationships.

    Me? I’m like a dog, I get in, bang bang and then I’m out. Want more? Call me when the kids are asleep. Not going to lose my prime years raising someone else’s kid only to be kicked to the curb when I have served my purpose.

  6. Bastien on June 12, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Interesting conversation. I love to follow women’s chat :)
    I thought I could give the other side’s view.
    I’m 40yo, tall, confident and assertive French guy living in London UK. For the past 5/6 years I have lived amazing relationship with a couple of very successful and powerful women, but very submissive in their relationship. The simple reason was that they both needed to unleash once at home and abandon themselves completely to a man of power and control.
    I love being with a woman of power and her bossy “daily” routine turns me on a lot, but once she’s home she’s mine and love to submit to my will.
    Ok this is a kinky/fetish relationship but that balance works really well on a long term basis.
    I believe the key to happiness is the balance in the couple, whatever balance it is. Most important is to be able to look at ourselves in a mirror and ask “Are you happy? Is that what you really want?” Stare at yourself for 5 minutes and see what answer comes out.

    Wealthy, bossy, successful women love their butt kicked by their man :) They need it. And I love it! :)

    • Emma on June 15, 2014 at 6:31 pm

      There is something to this. Stay tuned for more thoughts …. ;)

  7. Jojo on February 28, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Men, your best bet is to find a foriegn woman. But DONT, repeat, DONT let her become completely americanized (use frequent trips to her home land,etc). The woman in many foreign lands are ok with being women, they dont feel the need to grow a penis and compete for everything that a man has or does. They dont want their men to be another “girlfriend”.

    American women (esp. White) are spoiled, aggresive overprevlieged neurotics. Stop falling for the need to have a trophy walking with you and instead find a woman with soul and true need to care for and protect her man and family. Not obsessed with material things and castrating men for game and spite.

    • Emma on February 28, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      If this post weren’t so hateful I may find some room to agree. Alas.

      • Jojo on February 28, 2014 at 4:16 pm

        Nah, you see hate, When it is just an acceptance of the state of affairs of gender politics. Making American women “happy” is tedious and aggravating. Not only do they not know what they want (or what they should want–as you clearly expressed) but they want it ALL.

  8. Magic on February 22, 2014 at 10:43 am

    When I’m with a woman I take over control. Always. I dongivafug what she says she wants, because I know she wants me. She can talk to skinny jean wearing dopes with fag haircuts and hipster glasses, but she’s going to bed with me. I lift and I wear plaid shirts and I’m not rich but I work for a living and I’ve got balls the size of cantaloupes.

    I don’t remember how I found this site, but I don’t see why you should get upset about it. Women have never known what they want. They say this; they say that. And as a man you should have learned a while ago to filter out this noise and just take them to bed.

    I really wouldn’t care at all, but I take issue with the rise of women in leadership roles, because what they really want is a man like me, and they let their pussy lead them. Too easy to exploit. Like that story about the four female prison guards who were getting F’ed by an inmate who was also using them to smuggle dope. Duh.

    We need to stop pretending women are on equal footing in the workplace. And make it harder for women to get a divorce. They would honestly be happier that way. Staying home with the kids and taking care of a man is what they were born to do.

    • Emma on February 23, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      Magic, I was kinda loving you until your last chauvinistic paragraph. But, those cantaloupe balls? Can I have a peek? Please?

  9. paul.wood on January 5, 2014 at 4:38 am

    Love is real

    • navigator on May 20, 2014 at 7:48 pm

      Ever in Germany ladies,be sure to let me know,will give you the fun of your life.


  10. Emma on December 10, 2013 at 7:52 am

    @Family man – this is the very paradox I am exploring. Berate me all you want – I just BERATED MYSELF. Pay attention, dude!

    And Lou did read everything I’ve written about him. He loves it. Most men love being written about.

    • Family man on December 10, 2013 at 1:43 pm

      You berate yourself? It doesn’t seem like you’re exploring anything. This whole article is an excuse where you attempt to convince yourself that you don’t want alpha men. It’s wishy washy & it goes back & forth. The entire tone of the article is this: “these are the reasons why I like dominant men & they make me feel like a feminine woman, but I don’t really want them.” Until the end where you put in your feminist disclaimer where you (and women everywhere refuse to admit to themselves) refuse to admit that a dominant man is what you want in all aspects of your life. You in your own words say that the guy won’t be your boyfriend. You want an “an artsy-fartsy guy”, which I take to mean, a man who you still have the ability to walk all over and won’t stand up to you when you need it. You want someone who is your equal, but you fail to realize that men and women will never be equal. You say you feel like a woman when you’re passive with a alpha man. How is the “artsy-fartsy guy” beta chump going to make you feel the same way?

      You women need to be honest with yourselves & stop playing games. Admit to yourselves as to what you really want & stop letting society tell you what to do. This is why you’re not getting the men you really want. This “having your cake & eating it too” mentality where feminists want equality but refuse to accept the responsibility is what’s dragging women everywhere down and all of you need to wake up & realize that you’ve been duped for the last 50+ years.

      • Kimmie on April 12, 2014 at 6:03 pm

        Dear Family Man,
        I agree with your statement. I have learned a lot about myself after reading the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey books and went on a quest to find out more information because I really started questioning who I was and what I was looking for and what I needed for myself. I have been single for 10 years now and I’m so scared to go out there. I don’t even know where to go to find what I’m looking for, if that makes sense, but I do agree with you.

        • Emma on April 22, 2014 at 5:20 pm

          Kimmie – all I can advise is to just get out there. A date never hurt anyone. Test the waters, see what is available, what feels good to you and what does not. I have learned SO MUCH about myself through dating the past three years …. And most of all: HAVE FUN!

  11. Family man on December 10, 2013 at 5:22 am

    So, you want to have your cake & eat it too. You want a dominant man, but only in the doseage that you want, & when it gets too much for you you want to be able to throw him away whenever it suits you & go back to playing miss independent. You want equality, but none of the responsibility? You women are a joke.

    • Family man on December 10, 2013 at 5:23 am

      And If I were Lou, I’d be pissed after reading this……

  12. Lol Feminism is a joke on June 23, 2013 at 1:26 am

    By the way forget the first video THIS one is the real truth

  13. Lol Feminism is a joke on June 23, 2013 at 1:16 am

    Haha no problem….I’m glad you enjoy it (and hopefully you enjoyed the wonderful video I posted aswell :) )

    Now before you say I’m bitter. I have literally zero problem with women liking “alphas” (aka men who are masculine and lead them) In fact, I think that is a good thing (provided it’s a good protective alpha and not an abusive thug type) and should be encouraged (doesn’t really need to be since women are biologically attracted to masculine men and to be submissive and like I said a retarded anti-biology 20 year old movement like “women’s equality” or feminism isn’t going to change that)

    Women are weak-minded (with rare exceptions) and despite all their whining about “equality” and blah blah blah want NONE of the responsibilities that come with that equality (get on the front lines in war missy and then you can complain about being paid less then men for the same job!!!)

    They want all the cushy benefits of “equality” without any of the negatives or responsibilities….Plus some feminists seem to want to destroy masculinity while simultaneously being attracted to it and men who act masculine (very confusing to me???) Feminists want to submit to dominant protective men just like all women do….and subconsciously they know that they are weaker/less logical than men….Hence why they desire logical/rational/strong men to date.

    And a woman president WOULD be a disaster!!! Who wants a president who secretly fantasies about being dominated and made a slave by Christian Grey???? I don’t want a women sitting at an important meeting with a strong minded alpha man like Putin…She would just bend to his will and cave to his every demand even if it was a terrible decision for the country…Being the president is a MANS job….Color/ethnicity/sexual orientation/religion/non religion are irrelevant BUT gender is damn relevant.

    In conclusion I changed my email to “50shadesofIdon’tgiveafuckaboutwomensrights”…..Hope you will enjoy that email handle even more than my first one!!!

    Fuck Left Wing Liberals and Male White Knights!!!!!! The 1950’s model of dating/power dynamics between men and women was the best by far (no coincidence that the US thrived under those conditions.) I’m an atheist but the Christian family unit is one of the biggest accomplishments of western civilization and is one of the main reasons why the West is vastly superior to the rest of the world. This new model of fake “equality” where “womens rights” and blah blah blah is encouraged is doomed to fail….Not to mention (like I said) Feminism isn’t even REAL feminism…It’s just an excuse to give women all the benefits that men have without any of the responsibilities/negatives etc etc etc.

    • Emma on December 31, 2014 at 1:55 pm

      And they say feminists are angry! Look: My whole point of this post is that I don’t have it all 100% figured out. No one does. Men I date? Most of them love to pick up the tab and take over in bed. They also love that I will never be financially dependent on them and am their intellectual equal. It is a time of transition in gender roles, and no one has a clear idea of what it means to be a man, or what it means to be a woman. If it were as simple as everyone is 100% equal and competent and behaves exactly the same in all spheres, we would all be amorphous bisexuals. But we’re not.

  14. Lol Feminism is a joke on June 21, 2013 at 4:00 am

    Feminism is an absolute joke and anti biology when you really think of it….I always laugh when people compare it to the civil rights movement….It’s not even remotely comparable….Blacks WANTED and actively sought full equality and they earned there right to have it…Women just want all the benefits of “equality” without any of the responsibilities or negatives.

    Not to mention women are WEAK minded….They no full damn well they want to be submissive to men and can’t make decisions/lead at all like a strong man can…Feminism is a complete joke and pretends that women are just as capable being dominant/being in positions of leadership as men are even through they aren’t in any way shape or form.

    Feminism is a stupid joke and a dumb illogical 20 year old movement isn’t going to erase hundreds of thousands of years of primate evolution…Women are FOLLOWERS and submissive by nature…They are not leaders or logical decision makers like men….An ever growing “women led society” will be a disaster..

    To conclude my rant enjoy this TRUTHFUL video…As enraged as you (I’m guessing you’re a Feminist??) will be when watching this video you know deep down he’s 100 percent right

    • Emma on June 21, 2013 at 11:08 pm

      There are actually some nuggets of wisdom in this angry, poorly argued screed. But the takeaway is this: “feminismisgay” is the best email handle EVAH! Thanks for reading and commenting, sweetie.

    • Fiona on December 31, 2014 at 1:47 pm

      You are right about one thing. THESE women are a joke. You are absolutely correct: they dont want to be equal. They want to play at it, and they want to keep an escape hatch, so they can run away when it all gets too real.
      They make me absolutely sick. They set back the genuine cause of feminism by years. You are right: it is about taking the responsibilities and the hardships and the dangers, not just the fun parts. Its about dong exactly what a man would do: if things get hard, does a man go looking for a woman to shield him?
      No. He looks for a way to handle things.
      And that’s what a partnership is about, joining your strengths and bolstering each other. Not one being the actual strong one, while the other one goes about calling themselves strong and independent, while all the time taking holidays from it when they want to feel ‘female’.
      No and no and no: female DOES NOT mean being passive. It means you and these fools like you are the wreckers and destroyers of feminism. I have heard so much shit from American men, but now I start to get it: they always say “Women claim they want equality, but they really want the man to pay”. And these women are just vindicating them!
      Please, I implore you, dont extrapolate to all women from this. There are plenty of us who are serious, and who stand absolutely on our own two feet, and are capable of giving support as well. Dont forget, feminism is also about allowing men to be human, and not putting impossible demands on them. Look at the things some of these women have claimed for their men…he’s a wonderful cook, an amazing writer, can build a house with his bare hands and still cry at movies…really, I have heard American women make impossible demands and I am starting to believe it. When do these men get to be human, to admit fear, or weakness?

      I can see that this form of ‘faux-feminism”, this play feminism, is putting a tremendous strain on some men. These women are claiming they want to be equal and acting tough, but it actually stops at opening doors for themselves. They really want a man’s bank account behind them. Yet they confuse the men by claiming they want equality..I can see the men are right to be angry about this.
      So, when does a man get to have a day off from being a man? When does he get to be picked up and ordered for and told what to do? Never, right, because women like this wouldnt allow that. It would make them despise him. Women like this couldnt stand that, because they dont want a husband, they want a daddy.
      If you want to be equal, you dont get time off from it. It is your life, your being, like it is for a man!

      If you say that you want a man to order your food for you and tell you what to do, even for five minutes, then you just want to be a child.
      They are a disgrace to womanhood. If you want to be children, want to be submissive, then admit it. Leave feminism to those of us who really mean it.
      and as for women running countries, the rest of the world has had plenty of fine women who can work with any number of Putins. In fact, Putin doesnt really need someone going chest-to-chest with him. Craft and subtlety are what’s needed with a man like that. Margaret Thatcher would have wrapped him round her finger. Benazir Bhutto, too.
      And let’s not forget, a 17 year old girl just took the Nobel Prize: shot in the face and it didnt slow her down. I would like to see you chauvinists tell Malala she is weak-minded and doesnt know what she wants.

  15. Jane Johnson on April 30, 2013 at 12:45 am

    I’m sorry, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of reaction Lou might have to your description of him here. Somehow, I doubt it would make for a very entertaining column.

  16. Jen F. on April 29, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Awesome article and what I my friend and I have been talking about for a while. I have a ton of opinions, I have a lot of stuff I am responsible for, and I have all my stuff together. I am not a swooning female. But I do like a man who can be in control, someone who can plan things, tell me no, and be the more dominate person. I know that it is what I need in a relationship. Anything else and I would walk all over that person. It isn’t that I don’t believe in equal pay or equal rights, but like you said I feel a man should be able to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That is the hardest thing about dating now- no I don’t want you to give me your number, call you first, text you first, or set up the date. You be the man and do all that. I have told several men, I like men who act like men and take the first step and man up!

    Thank you!!

    • Emma on May 2, 2013 at 9:54 pm

      Hi Jen,

      A ton of material in your post! I relate to 100% of what you said, including,” I feel a man should be able to be a man and a woman to be a woman.” I don’t even know what that means, except when you know what is happening, I know EXACTLY what that means.

      Confident, in-control men are fantastic to date, to sleep with and I totally prefer their company. But how does that work longterm? A few years ago I nearly became involved in a book project with a Real Housewife – both she and her husband are first-generation from very gender-typical Mediterranean countries. I’ll leave it at that, but her book concept was to talk about being an independent woman in a “traditional” marriage, and one of her big points was to “let the man be a man” and then just do whatever you want. From the little bit I knew of her and her husband, they did really seem to have something special, he was very supportive and loving of her, and she was a very bright and ambitious person. But she also gave up her career when she married and really enjoyed being a housewife.

  17. Vicki Marie on April 27, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    I’m all about “the take” and without it, sex just isn’t going to happen. Thanks for telling the truth about Alpha-desire!

    • Emma on April 28, 2013 at 4:47 pm


  18. Michele on April 24, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Why did you only go on one date with him? What’s so wrong with him? You need to read some Kristen Ashley Books (try Sweet Dreams) and see how an Alpha male can flex being an equal partner, just as you flexed being the submissive on the date.

    I know as strong women we are scared of that word. But that’s what it is, letting someone take over, even just in bed. :)

    I’m glad you had a good time. Sorry you let that fish off the hook.

    • Michele on April 24, 2013 at 10:28 am

      PS-I loved the article and am pimping it out everywhere. I can’t wait to see if you go out with him again! :)

      • Emma on April 24, 2013 at 8:31 pm

        I went out with him again :)

        • Michele on April 26, 2013 at 8:04 am

          What happened? Did you have fun? He sounds like a good person. I too am a liberal, but I were single, I’d jump at having someone like Lou. Besides, make up sex is hot! ;)

  19. Rosa on April 23, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    Artsy & alpha are not mutually exclusive – I’ve been happily married for 22 years to a guy who still gets asked at the border what motorcycle gang he is in. Yeah, he’s tough, but also smart, kind, a brilliant writer, & a terrific cook. He has a PhD in English, did postdoc at Harvard &, with apologies to the border guards, has no motorcycle (and no idea how to drive one). He’s incredibly strong, & yeah, very independent woman though I am, I like that, & I like that when we are out together, I feel very, very safe. Yup, he does look like a biker. But he’s way too independent & contrary to be in anyone’s gang.

    • Emma on April 24, 2013 at 8:32 pm

      Rosa, I love it, and many of us are looking for more or less the same!

  20. Rami on April 22, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Wow, this is refreshing.

    I’m SO GLAD that a sexy single woman has the balls (figuratively speaking of course) to say she wants an alpha male to take control, so she can relax. As a strong woman, it takes guts to admit to the world that sometimes, you just want someone else in the driver’s seat.

    I write a blog that teaches geeks to be more outgoing, and being alpha is part of it. Ideally, I’d like to turn most of the geeks I know into alpha geeks – at the very least on date night and in the bedroom.

    Keep up the great writing, I’m hooked, despite being neither a woman nor a parent :D

    • Emma on April 22, 2013 at 8:49 pm

      Hi Rami – Thanks for the feedback. I checked out your blog [, reader!] and love your approach. Don’t limit your gospel to geeks – many, many guys need your advice.

    • Tim on June 16, 2013 at 1:32 am


      The problem is that she would take none of this dominant behavior from an arty-fartsy boyfriend of hers.

      It would be counterproductive to teach men to be dominant and alpha. Its women who decide what boundaries and terms they set with different much control they allow a man to have.

      When a man is extremely attractive, well built, handsome like Lou, women themselves bring out their feminine, vulnerable, submissive sides and let the take control. With the other men they will engage on entirely different terms.

      • Emma on June 18, 2013 at 1:53 pm

        Tim, there is a lot of insight in what you write, thought I wouldn’t say that it is Lou’s appearance that brings out the feminine side of women (ahem, me), but rather his attitude, expectations and actions. I’ve met men who are very small physically who can pull that off, and it is maybe even HOTTER.

    • Pamela on March 1, 2014 at 10:50 am

      Where can I find your blog?

  21. Ms. Single Mama on April 22, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    So… I am here to attest that you can find an alpha male who is also artsy fartsy. I say this as my Harley riding, built like brick shit house, hot as Hell, husband makes a leather bag in the garage. ; )

    Love you and this post rocks! Keep the real you coming.

    • Emma on April 22, 2013 at 3:49 pm

      Ha, that made me laugh .. heehee. You give all of us hope Alaina!

  22. JT @ The Faux Foodie Girl on April 19, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    This is one of the best blog posts I have ever read!!!! I can’t wait to hear more about Lou :) I love your blog. It gives me hope that there is wonderful life out there for me after marriage ends….

    • Emma on April 19, 2013 at 3:30 pm

      Thanks JT! Yes, life goes on.

  23. Amy on April 19, 2013 at 10:04 am

    I think you’re crazy. Lou sounds great. You might be surprised – he may actually care about your opinions and follow them. Maybe he will respect those ideas of yours? Keep us posted. Please!

    • Emma on April 19, 2013 at 10:32 am

      Ha Amy, maybe I am crazy. I promised him I’d wear my glasses next time. Stay tuned …

  24. Emma on April 19, 2013 at 9:34 am

    I’m glad to hear you have found both — and in one dude! That’s what we’re all looking for – the perfect mix. Good on you.

  25. Lynn on April 19, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Is it possible to have both?

    I am a firm believer in the need for more ‘alphaness’ in a man. My manfriend for the past 5 years is not an intellectual but he’s very smart and alpha.

    He loves my opinionated, independent and strong nature but he also knows that I love him to take over in certain situations.
    I’m happy with this mix.

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