On Like a Mother with Emma Johnson, I interviewed Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger who recently launched the audio coaching program, “The Single Girls' Handbook,” and her wine, P.S. Match, and is author of four books, including Become Your Own Matchmaker. My No. 1 question? How can successful women find love. We also talk about her abortion at age 26, why she wants college women to freeze their eggs, and the how online dating has changed relationships.
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Full transcript of Like a Mother with Emma Johnson interview with Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger
This is season one, episode two of Like a Mother, with Emma Johnson. Thank you for joining me today. I cannot wait to share my interview with you with Patti Stanger. You know her as the Millionaire Matchmaker. We talk today about what it's like to date as a successful woman. In her case, as a celebrity. She shares with me about the abortion that she had in her 20s, the tip that she has for college students who are worried about not finding a partner in time to have babies, and she gives me top three tips for successful women who are looking for love. I am so excited for today's guest, who is an entrepreneur, first and foremost, and she's best known as the executive producer and star of Millionaire Matchmaker. She's also the founder and CEO of Millionaire's Club International, which is a matchmaking service for millionaires. Patti, thank you so much for joining me today.
Patti: Thank you.
Many professional women complain that they intimidate or overpower men
Emma: I speak to professional women, many very successful women, and as you've noted, successful means many things in many different demographics. You're in L.A., I'm in New York. People have tons of money here. There are many, many millionaires. It's not too hard to find a millionaire, but I'm also communicating with women who are in small town America and they could be making $60 or $80,000 a year, and feel like they have no one to pick from in their dating pool. I feel like your advice to many of the guests on your show is completely relevant to women of all income brackets. I don't know, do you want to speak to these women who are out there, they're feeling like they intimidate men, that they overpower men, and they just don't have any dating prospects? What would your advice be to them?
Patti: Get on the Internet. Basically, get on the Internet and go global. Zoosk, Match.com, it doesn't really matter. You can meet a man anywhere, and you might have to go where the men are. It's just like when you live in a small town and you want to work in a corporate situation, you don't stay in your small town. You go to the big city to meet the guy or the girl or the company. You don't have to stay where you are. The other thing is, when you want to meet someone more successful than you, they're not usually in small town America. They have homes all over the world, so global is what we talk about. Now, for those who are really strong in business and are intimidating men, the European men, the Australian men, the South African men, they love American women.
Emma: Why? What do they love about American women?
Foreign men like empowered women
Patti: They love they've got the confidence. They will date women 10 years older than them, sometimes even 15. They don't have an age bracket on things. They look at women as fine wine. Sophia Loren, Catherine Deneuve, those women are ageless. They're icons. They put women on a pedestal in Europe. They don't do that in America. America, you hit 40, everything's fresh. “You're expired. We don't want to buy you anymore.” All the women over 40 right now in Hollywood are going through fucking hell right now, because you talk about Patricia Arquette about the Equal Pay for Equal Dollar, the Jennifer Lawrence situation. It's like we're not revered here. Without us there would be nothing, but we don't have power, and you must go where your power is. When you go to a place where a man puts you on a pedestal, treats you like Aphrodite, that's when you know you've got your power. The problem is, you take the crap that's on the street and you settle for less, and then you're miserable.
Emma: You're saying you have to go where the successful men are, but does it work when the men are less professionally successful than women? Talk about that difference in the dynamics, when he's more successful or she's more successful.
Patti: That's been my experience my whole life. They get into resentment phase. I've always dated men that made less money than me. I was ruled by sex, not ruled by money. On my application form, it'll say, “Well, what floats your boat? Are you ruled by looks or money?” Looks means sex, money means security. Most people cannot be both unless they're drop dead gorgeous and look like David Beckham and Posh Beckham. No. Most people pick one or the other sheet. I'm ruled by sex. I know I can always make money, but then I would always end up dating the hot guy who became my couch potato 16-year-old son, and it was a terrible experience, because they would resent me that I can make all this money. You really want to find somebody who has ambition. He can pay the bills. He has good credit. He's not a multi-millionaire with a private jet, but that you guys can become the power couple together, and the other thing is to turn your alpha off at home. Become the beta to his alpha in the home.
Emma: What does that mean exactly? Give me an example of how women do that?
What to do when you and your partner are both alphas
Patti: Okay, alpha the work is like the strong Hillary Clinton. She's going after it. She's getting it. We are so proud of her. We love her, but at home, who's the alpha in that relationship, is Bill. You got two alphas, basically. Alpha females say, “I got to slow down and become the beta, become the homemaker to his alpha. Otherwise, I'm going to emasculate him and walk all over.” I'm sure they had experiences like that, where they both were very competitive. We're not going to blame Hillary for the affair that Bill had. We're just going to say, tough job, maybe she wasn't getting nookie that week. But if you really want to be with an alpha male, and you are an alpha female, you got to slow down and turn off the alpha, and become the sweet, sensitive, loving, home-caring beta, especially in the home. Otherwise, he's going to be like, “I can't deal with this. I can't compete in the board room and then in the bedroom.”
Emma: Right, and I identify with that so much because I have a big career. I also have children, and I'm a single mom, but that comes very naturally to me. I love to cook. I have a very comfortable home. That nurturing feminine is a very comfortable zone for me to be in, but it's simply not for a lot of women. What do you tell those women?
Patti: You have to practice. You've got to practice. For those who can't turn it off when they get home, and they're screaming and yelling going, “Did you pay the bills today? Did you go pick up this? Did you fix the light in the kids' room?” If you're starting to call the shots and domineering, controlling, overpowering, and a micromanager at home like you are at work, you will lose your man, so you must practice this technique. This doesn't come natural, especially when women are doing it all. We have two jobs now. Back in the old days, in the '50s, we had one job, to keep the fires burning in our home. Now, we're cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, making money, paying the bills, and doing it all. We're superwoman, and he's sitting on the couch, coming home from work, going, “Do you got a beer? Can I watch the game?” And you're like, “Aren't you going to help me with dinner? Aren't you going to get the kids, babe?” “I'm tired.” They only have one speed. That's the problem.
How to deal with men who aren't alpha males
Emma: How do you navigate that? Because what you just spelled out right there really is the end of so many marriages. How do you navigate that, when you're both working, and then she's got two jobs, and he really is only up for one?
Patti: A good friend of mine who is a sociologist, and she was telling me, “I make, in my house, a blue list and a pink list. The pink list is for girls, blue is for boys. A blue job would be, take the garbage out, because we don't want to do that. A pink job would be maybe make the dinner. A blue job would be maybe wash the dishes.” See what I'm doing? I'm making a schedule, and we all stay on our side of the street. He can't pull his weight, you're going to get rid of him anyway, because you're not going to end up being his mother in the end. That's when you become his mother, and your legs close. No more nookie for him.
Emma: Right, absolutely.
Patti: He's got to do these tasks in the home to get his reward. Remember, men are dogs. Think of Pavlov's theory. Reward them. That's where the reward comes in. “Oh, honey. You took the garbage out and I didn't even have to say anything. Oh my God, let's go upstairs and watch The Walking Dead, and who knows what you're going to get after that.” That kind of thing.
Emma: Are you using, then, sex as a tool, as a reward, or are you suggesting that women are actually turned on? It's like those corny little picture books that were out a couple years ago, like porn for women with the guy vacuuming.
Getting men to do what you want
Patti: It's both. It's not the vacuuming, it's that he did the manly tasks without me having to say a word, because you automatically do everything anyway, but if he starts doing that without you, “Oh, Sunday night, the garbage man's coming. I got to take out the garbage and pull the garbage things at the end of the street,” and you didn't have to say a word, or he cleaned the garage, or he walked the dogs. Whatever he does, you're going to get turned on because it makes your life easier. When you get turned on, you get juicy goosey downstairs. You relax. Relax stimulates the neurotransmitter in your brain, which increases the dopamine, which makes me want to have sex with my husband or my boyfriend. Then he gets rewarded, and then he says, “Oh shit. I took the garbage out and she gave me a blowjob. That's fucking awesome. I'm going to do that again.”
Emma: It's like the oldest dynamic in the world. I mean, women have been navigating this forever. Forever. It's like we're reinventing the wheel, and coaches and matchmakers like yourself are helping us reinvent this wheel that has keep families together forever.
Patti: There's no reinventing the wheel. He has a penis. You have a vagina. Since caveman times, nothing has changed. This bullshit that we live in a tech age and everything's moving so fast is one thing, but in the end of the day, it's biology that rules the show, and that is what people keep forgetting about. That is why we are in a hiccup. Oprah talked about it about two, three years ago. She said that men have become women, and women have become men, and now nobody knows what to do, and that is 100% true.
Emma: I totally agree.
Where have all the alpha males gone?
Patti: It's 100% true, and she's saying that it's not the women's fault, because when Wall Street crashed seven years ago, men said to themselves, “Holy shit. What am I going to do now? What do I take my skillset and do?” They couldn't get the powerful jobs that they had before, because there weren't any available, so they cried in their milk, and they stayed at home, and their wives took over, and the wives got two jobs, and the wives will take a job at McDonald's if it will put their kids in private school. We didn't complain. We just started doing. When we started doing, they sat back and said, “Well, you make money. You pay the bills. You took care of the kids this week. You do that. You got two jobs. You do that.” It was to the point where men just sat back and said, “Well, they're superwoman. I'm nothing, so I'll just continue being Schleprock from the Flintstones, with gloom and doom on my head.” That's what happened, and then the hiccup started happening, and then the new girls started coming up. The Millennials want to date, and they're finding there's no alpha males. They're all whining in their soup. We have an expression in L.A. Anywhere in the country, a third date is pizza and a movie. You know what it is in L.A.? It's therapy.
Emma: Do you see any backlash to this? Are we at a point where this is starting to turn around, or is it just going to be more of the same for a while?
Patti: It's going to turn around. You know how they say one person can save the world by their light? It's going to turn around when a woman turns on her light, shines her light bright. I'm very metaphysical in this approach. Where they shine their light bright, they discern from the alphas and the beta males who they want, and the man that comes onto them with love and affection and attention, whether they're married or single, is the one they're going to give to. You don't give unless you get first. That sounds very harsh to men, like we're gold diggers. We're not talking about monetary things. We're talking about emotional things. Taking care of me. Cherishing me. Protecting me.
Don't rush to find the right man
Patti: If you don't get those things, you don't spread your legs for anybody, and you might have to wait a good year for a good one. This is my problem. Most people are rushing. They drink the tequila at the bar and they're just taking home anyone, and then if you've got estrogen surging through your bloodstream from under 40, especially in your 20s and 30s … The dirty 30s is the worst zone. What happens is that oxytocin takes over, and you bond yourself to a loser just because there was a good roll in the hay. This is where women don't use their brains. They rush. They're rushing to the alter because their sister got married, or their best friend's getting married, and they make it a competitive game, which each person is different from the next. We're all unique in our design.
Emma: Well, yes and no. Biology is a very real factor in this story. It is just a huge factor in this story. What do you tell young women who really do want to have children? You've spoken about your own personal experience with this. You don't have children. You say that is one of your biggest regrets. What would you tell your younger self about dating and sex?
Freezing your eggs while still in college
Patti: Okay, well, the first thing I would tell us is freeze your eggs. Take the pressure off. You tell a man you froze your eggs, he thinks A. You're smart as shit, and B. What a cool idea, because we can relax now. Freeze your eggs. It's a selling tool. Any college student who has parents with a little bit of money, that's the best educational gift you can give them. I have seen this, like in my day, we didn't have freeze your eggs. I would have done it myself. Unfortunately, I didn't have that luxury. There's a lot more ways to have kids today than we did when we were younger. I remember I went through a period where I had an abortion at 26. It wasn't an easy thing for me to do, but I never wanted to be bonded to this guy. This guy was a bad dude, and it shook my world because I was like, “Wait, it's coming too soon. I need this in my 30s when I have some cache in the bank.” I didn't have money. There was no way I could support this child.
Emma: I'm so grateful to women like you that are sharing your abortion stories. It's so important, but is there any part of you that regrets having that abortion?
Patti: It was a responsible thing I did. I had used the sponge. He had used a condom. I had just gotten off the pill about … I don't know, it was 90 days after my last period. I was in the zone, and the condom broke. I pulled the sponge out in the middle of the night. It was irritating me, and lo and behold, I got pregnant with some dude who was a nasty ass. He was a wealthy guy. I could have totally had this kid and used him. He was very famous. I could have used him six ways to Sunday, and I wouldn't. I didn't want to be connected to him, because I'm adopted, and I know what it's like to be with people who don't want you. You know what I mean? That's my problem, my abandonment issue.
The choice to have an abortion in late 20s
Patti: I didn't want my child being with this man, who really didn't want this kid. He wasn't nice. He wasn't a nice person. Had he been a nice person, maybe a hippie in SoHo, we would have figured it out, but he was not nice. Then I went on with my life to make money, and I didn't meet a lot of guys that wanted to settle down. I met a lot of Peter Pans. I was attracted to those type of men, the big bad wolfs that I was going to curb, and unfortunately, it just wasn't the right time. Now, I want them more than ever, I just don't want to do it by myself. I'm not a fan of doing the kids by yourself. A lot of girls that do this, I am so in awe how they do it, because I don't feel comfortable.
Emma: Well, if you happened into it, you could do it. I see women doing amazing things as single moms.
Patti: I'm not throwing them shade. I'm saying I'm in awe of you. I don't feel comfortable, as a woman, doing it alone. It must be a lot of stuff going on in my head from the past. Maybe past lives. I just don't feel comfortable. It's just not my thing.
Emma: Well, look, there's not a whole lot of great role models as single moms out there. I mean, there are. There's amazing women, but they don't brand themselves as single moms. There's not-
Patti: Technically speaking, they've done studies, the psychology community has done studies where they've said, it's better to have one parenting thought process than two, so it is a good thing in some ways, it's just that the child, I wonder, without the other half of the other sex, is that going to be a problem later? I have lots of theories on this, because being adopted, it makes you open the gates, and you start thinking about what would be the perfect way to have a child that will feel loved? Because I didn't always feel loved. I didn't get along with my adoptive parents, and I felt like an alien, so there was a lot of things going on in my head, but then again, it made me strive to accomplish to do something in this lifetime. It did push me forward, some of the pain. Anyway, that's another story for another day.
How can successful women get out of their own way and find love?
Emma: That really is another story for another day, but that is fascinating, and you did talk about this on your show. One of the things I love about your show, it's not that you're just hooking people up. You're helping people get out of their own way. What makes the show so compelling is you're finding these beautiful people with tons of money, often very high status, very interesting jobs, and they don't have romantic love in their lives. For the rest of us out here in America, it tells us that it's not all of those status things that mean love. It's something else. What you do in your infinite wisdom, in your special way, is you help people unpack their crap and get out of their own way. What are the top ways that women especially, especially successful women, in what ways do they get in their own way of finding love?
Patti: Well, I think one of the things they have to do is they have to center themselves. In my book Become Your Own Matchmaker, there are eight steps, and that would be the first line of defense I would do. Take the book out, go on Amazon. You can buy it. There's eBooks that the chapters are broken down if you want to download it, as well as the full book on Kindle, but the one thing I say to people is, “You have to take an inventory of your past relationships and look at each relationship and say what worked and what didn't. The didn't, there'll be one common thing that you have to overcome in order to attract the good guy.” Most people don't do this. They do this in AA, take a moral inventory. Well, I believe you should take a relationship inventory. You need to break a pattern that you keep reproducing. Most of the things that we talk about are internal stuff. Yes, can you go to the mirror and say, “I need to lose 20 pounds”?
Patti: Can you hit the gym and let the endorphins flow? Absolutely. That's a great line of defense, because it calms you down. I'm a meditator. I do transcendental meditation every morning, and I do mindfulness at the end of the day, so I'm a big fan of meditation and turning your light on, and drawing and summoning and sourcing. I like to think that I'm a love witch, to bring the man into your life. That's important too, but also, it's important to get out of the house. I talk to women all over the country. They never leave their houses. 30% of your search should be online. The next 30 should be getting out, doing things that you enjoy, going to yoga class, taking a hike in the mountains, taking a vacation, doing an extreme sport. The secret sauce is to really round it about to where do men go? They go to sporting events. You got to go where the men go, otherwise you're going to only meet women, and then get pissed.
Emma: Well, it's not even just the logistics. It's also just changing stuff up. If online dating isn't working, do something different. Change up your energy. Change up your head space. Do something different.
If online dating isn't working, do something different
Patti: Also, it's leaving the pack. Stay away from your girlfriends in this stage. Don't talk about who you're dating. Don't include them in your process. You need to do it alone. Those who travel in packs do not attract. When you include the group … I'll give a cute story. Last weekend, I'm at Sprouts. It's like our little Whole Foods here. I'm going to get a KeVita drink, which I love, the probiotic drink, and Kombucha is sitting next to it on the shelf, which is the mushroom version of it. Mushroom is a little bit of fungi to me, so I'm a big fan of KeVita. I'm going to get a KeVita, and my girlfriends are standing behind me, me passing the KeVitas to them, and a drop dead gorgeous guy swoops in and says, “Oh no, no, you got to try the Kombucha.”
Patti: I said, “Well, I like the KeVita probiotic, and it doesn't have the fungi from the mushroom.” We start having a conversation. He says to me, “But doesn't yours have sugar?” And I said, “Actually, one sugar.” He takes it out of my hand, super excited. My girlfriends cower around him. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't figure out how to ask me for my number, and he walked away. I looked at them. They cooch-blocked me. He would have gotten my number, and of course, I'm not the type of person to follow him around the grocery store and say, “Hey, ask me out.” I'm not one of those, because if you can't do it in the first instants, you're not going to be able to do it later. You're going to go beta to my alpha.
Patti: It was an interesting dynamic where my friends go, “Shit, we should have walked away,” and it was like I always tell you, go out by yourself. Go to your favorite hotel bar. Have a cocktail. Get to know the bartender. He's the best matchmaker in the world, by the way. Tip them well. Get a little hors d'oeuvre. Say to them, “Who's single here?” Let him fix you up. You don't have to go to an expensive matchmaker like me to get fixed up, or online. You can actually use the people that you know, six degrees of separation from work to family to friend, and just say, “I'm single.” I'm single right now. I'm newly single, and I have to use my own resources, because I don't date my clients.
Emma: Yeah, so what are your hangups, Patti? Do you have somebody that helps you unpack your own crap to get out of your own way?
Patti: Yes. I use Tara Sutphen. You can go to tarasutphen.com. She's become my best friend over the last 20 years, but she was my hypnotherapist, my past life regressionist. She would remove blocks. It's like an onion. You remove layers, and when I have a problem, I go to her. She channels a spirit named Abenda, who seems to know my life better than I do, and we work on my shit. Right now, we're summoning a new guy to come in. I'm ready to get married. I have lived with someone, I have been engaged, and I'd like to get married in the next three years. I'm looking for that person.
Marriage vs. partnership
Emma: Why marriage? Why are you so committed to marriage, as opposed to just partnership?
Patti: I had a partnership. I liked it, but I'd like to see what it's like to be contractually binded to be there. I don't know. I want to try marriage. I haven't experienced it. It's more of an experience to me. It's not about the wedding. It's more about the finality of it. I'm actually looking forward to getting married. I've gone through everything. I've lived with people. I've dated people. I've been engaged. This is the one thing I haven't tried yet, so I'm looking forward to that.
Emma: Yeah, I totally identify with that too. I was married. I don't know that I need to be married again, but it was a totally different experience to be married than just to have a boyfriend or a live-in partner.
Patti: Right, and I think I dated a lot of adolescent men. It's not an age thing. I'm looking for an old, mature soul who could be in their 40s, who just resonates me. The other thing is, I'm incredibly conscious spiritually, not religiously, and I guess, at this point in time, I feel this. I need someone who is a meditator, who's conscious, who is spiritually aware, you know, has good morals and values. I'm not looking for some fun guy from Peter Pan Beach. I'm looking for a different kind of man now. I've changed my mojo on the men side.
Emma: Yeah, I get really frustrated with women who just like to sit around and complain about men, and men are dogs, and men are noncommittal, and they never look inward and see to your point, what that common thread is, because they're the common denominator. It's not half the population that's the common denominator, it's them, as individuals.
Patti: No. There are 110 million single people in the United States, and it's growing every day, because marriage is up to 57% in divorce. 46% of the women online, the majority is the men. The average median age of a man on match.com is 46 years old. He has money by that time, or he's got something saved, even if he's a fireman. He's a mature adult. You think about this. This is great news for us, that the men are online, that there are more of them than us, and the other thing is that all it takes is on and you're done, as my mother would say. You don't need 50. You just need one. You're going to tell me the odds aren't in your favor? Even if you have to go to Europe, if you like Latin men, hit Spain. You like British men, hit London. It's like, figure out what you like, and then go and make your matchmaking map, which is a chapter in my book on Become Your Own Matchmaker. You don't have to sit still and not take action. This business of, “He's going to just show up at your door,” well, I'm sorry, Cinderella, the prince is dead.
Emma: Let's talk about your rule about no intimacy, no sex, before exclusivity.
Monogamy: no intimacy, no sex, before exclusivity
Patti: Monogamy. Monogamy, yeah.
Patti: It's not a rule because I don't like sex, and there is an exception to the rule, I'm sure, for everybody that has slept with him on the first date, “He ended up being my husband.” You know what? Kudos to you, but the majority will not think that way. It's not about tricking the man, it's about protecting yourself. You need to get to know him, because you might find something you don't like about him. If you sleep with him too soon, and you have oxytocin in your bloodstream, you could bond to him, and he has power over you, because he has no oxytocin, which means he'll control the show, and when he doesn't call you or ask you out for Saturday night, and dates another woman, you're going to feel like shit. You're not going to feel special. It's a protection technique. Get to know him. Make him declare exclusivity in the sober light of day. Now you have something. Doesn't mean he's marrying you, just means, “We've decided to be exclusively, mutually exclusive, to have sex, to date each other, to get to know one another.” That's all it is. Real men will give you this. Superficial Peter Pan men will not.
Emma: Among your clientele, how often do women put this in front of guys, and the guys, even if they're good guys, are like, “No, I need to try it before I buy it”? Because even monogamy today, I think online dating really has changed the dynamic.
Patti: 99% of women get their monogamy from their men. How do we know this? Because the technique works, and I get thousands of emails a day around the world. We're in 200 countries, Millionaire Matchmaker. We've been on the air for eight years. We are the highest repeated show on Bravo. There's a reason people repeat and watch. Now, in my book, Become Your Own Matchmaker, there is a speech that I give you to give to the man, and it's Simple Sally Syrup. 99% of the men say yes. The 1% that doesn't is not your guy. That's when you really have to know who your worth is. “He's not my guy. He's not my guy.” I'll give you an example. This last week, somebody asked me out. Very famous, very good-looking. He was supposed to ask me out last week, and a friend of mine's a matchmaker, so she wants to fix me up.
Patti: Everyone's texting, so he sent the text why he didn't call, because I guess she told me he was going to, and he didn't. I don't even remember. Everything was about his resume. “Oh, I was here this weekend. Oh, I did that. I took my staff here. We did this.” I was like, “Oh, he's not the guy. He's just not the guy.” She says, “How do you know?” I go, “Because of the way he wrote the text. It was always about him, what he was doing. It was like he was trying to impress you. He has a new TV show on the air.” I was just like, “Oh God, this is so superficial.” Then she tells me he's going to call me this weekend for Tuesday night, and I told her, I already had plans. It was Sunday we were talking, so there's no time. Now, I'm a famous person like him. I'm probably more famous than him. I'm more powerful than him. I have more money than him, blah blah blah. He says, “I'll call Patti and ask her out for Tuesday.” Guess when he called me? Monday night.
Emma: Oh no.
Don't inconvenience yourself for a man who does not respect you
Patti: Do you think I'm going to give you a date? I'm like, “You're 51, and you don't know how to play this game?” Never been married, no kids, strike two, but I'm willing to be open to that, because I haven't either. I can't throw stones to people that are like me, but I'm thinking, at the same stage, like, “You're single because you don't know how to date. You don't know how to date. You don't call a woman, let alone any woman, the day before, and expect her to jump.” I said, “How about the weekend?” And of course, he's busy with his private plane going here, there, and whatever, and I was just like, “Hey, whatever.”
Patti: I wrote him off. Of course, now he's chasing me, because I wrote him off. The switch went off, where, “Oh, you're not a candidate. If I can't see you in my future, I'm not going to give you my time, because my time is limited.” That's the key. The girls need to know they're the deal, not the guy. You are not to reinvent yourself, put yourself in a pretzel position for a man who does not respect your schedule, treat you right, or cherishes your feelings. He's not the guy. I don't care if he's fucking Bradley Cooper. He's not the guy. I didn't get upset. I just wrote him off. Next. Next. Next. Next. Next.
Emma: Well, you're really coming at that from a real place of power to be able to say, “Next,” especially with a guy with a super high profile like that. I'm wondering, for you, having taken your already very successful business to big time, to Bravo, and you are now a celebrity, whereas 10 years ago, you weren't a celebrity, reality television, public profile, awesome for your brand, awesome for your business, awesome for your bank account, but what does that do for your personal life?
Patti: Okay, this is also my grandmother's secret sauce. In my 20s, I didn't believe her. 36, something clicked in me, that I was the deal. I was real skinny then. I was a size zero. I lived in Miami, and I was feeling my dirty 30s like you never saw. It did not end at 35. In fact, it was surging through my body, and I had the best sex I ever had in my 30s. L.A. men don't really know how to make love. The Miami guys are the bomb. Here's what happens. I realized I was the deal, and when I started to push things away and go, “Eh, maybe … ” Discernment. Don't call it picky. We call it discernment. Yay or nay. You get a loud yes, or a loud no, and if there's a maybe, you might test your theory and go out with him.
Patti: Women don't know this. Men can grow on them. He's not that tall, but he's so hot, so sexy. I don't know what he's got. I was like, “Toss. He's five foot nine. He's turning me on. He stands in his money, and he's super successful and powerful on Wall Street, and when I see him in court as a lawyer, I'm so turned on.” You understand? We change like that. Men are all about, “Eh, I could do her, but I don't really feel anything for her,” and if he doesn't feel anything, he doesn't ask you out. You always wonder why you don't get your phone call at the end of the date, it's because he's already taken your wish list, merged it with his, and you don't come out on the right side of the street. It's really stupid. He can close the restaurant down, make out with you, and go home and go, “Nah, she's not for me.”
Your confidence is what attracts a man
Patti: It's really dumb, but the bottom line is, you need to know you're the deal, whether you have just gotten out of college and you're a nail tech. I don't care. Your looks are your calling card, and they're all different shapes and sizes, as the Kardashians have taught us. Who knew curvy would be in? Short and curvy, no less. The point of the story is, once you know what your assets are, from your brain to your body to your spirit, then you know. No, yes, no, yes. He will feel like you think you're special. That is contagious to a man. That is the pheromone. Not that you're a diva. You're sweet, you're nice, you've got great manners, but that you are special. You're not like the rest of the girls. You know who you are.
Emma: Do you find it easier or harder to meet men, then, now that you're living within your power in such a big and visible way?
Patti: I find it easier to meet men. I find it harder to find the one that I want.
Patti: Do you get that? Different sides of the street, because I'm not looking for just a regular Joe. I'm not looking for just anybody. I'm looking for spiritually conscious awareness type of person, and that's not usual. I'm looking for something unusual, unique to me and my design. It's not about finding the most famous person in Hollywood. It's not finding the most sexy this or whatever. It's like, I'm looking for my divine complement, which is unusual, because there's not a lot of that. I'm not looking for any guy. I'm getting a lot of dates, it's just that I'm not feeling it, and I'm not going out with a lot of men. They call me, and I'm clairaudient. I'm psychic, so I can read the vibration.
Patti: That's how I match, on the phone, yay or nay. I'm never wrong, which is so sick. I'll test it. I'll go out with someone who I don't think is right, and I'll be like, “Okay, I was right.” Just to test it once in a while, just to make sure I didn't lose my gift, but it's harder, and also, I'm older. I'm older, so I'm not in the 35 and under demo, the childbearing range. I don't have a problem dating men who like women my age, which is also super nice, so I don't have the agist issue. I date men in their 40s. Most of the guys are younger than me, and I like the 40s. I like guys in their 40s. That's my thing, my hot spot. I put it out there and men come.
How to spot a good guy in online dating
Emma: Online dating, big part of life today, but it's compromised manners. Do we see this turning around any time soon? Because we're only getting more and more digital.
Patti: No, we don't, and the way the woman has to demand it is like, for instance, when you're online and you want a guy to call you, and he asks for 50 pictures, that's not your guy, but if he says to you, “Hey, let's have a little conversation,” you can either take it offline to your email address, or you could actually say to him, “I'm not a great typist. Here's my number.” The guy that calls is your guy, the hunter. The hunter will want to make a plan. He'll say, “What are you doing on Thursday night?” You might have plans Thursday night. Say, “Well, Thursday night's not really good. Would it be better if we could do it Sunday night?” He'll rearrange his schedule to meet yours. That's how you know that the man is a man, not a boy. It's you setting the tone, and directing him with a soft sell that he does not know, because hot women are busy. You're a hot woman. You're busy. You filled up your week. If you call me last minute, he snoozes, he loses. It's real simple.
Emma: Right. Old school. It's the same rules that women have been using forever.
Patti: Right. Take the old school philosophy and not be nervous about it. You're not scared, because you're not invested yet. You don't know him. You don't know what he's like. If you've met him already, that's a different story than you're attracted to him. Then you get nervous, but if this is online dating, you don't know him. You don't know if his picture looks like him in person. Could be 20 years old. There's no screening process for online dating, so that's the thing you have to do. You got to meet him in a public place. You got to have Uber in your phone in case. A girlfriend drops you off. I'd prefer you drive. A gentleman will pay the valet. He'll make the reservation, even if it's a drink. I don't care how poor he is. If you're a college student and you're dating, and you're meeting in a group, like you know, you have a Groupon, or Grouper, or Date With Eight … There's these companies that do these type of things. That's also a great way to meet, because you're college students. Just don't bring your hot girlfriend who can upstage you.
Emma: And meet quick, don't you think? I can't stand it when people drag these things out, and they fall in love by text. Just meet. See if there's some chemistry.
Four types of dates
Patti: In a week, you should have a date. If he's going out of town for business, that's a different story. There's always exceptions, like, “It's my sister's wedding this weekend.” Okay, exceptions, but if there's no exception going on in either of you, it should be within the week of him calling you, unless you're so busy. Now, if you're a girl that's too busy, he's going to lose interest. If you're a girl that books yourself three weeks out, and there's no room for him, you do not make love a priority. Men do this a lot. They book out so much because they don't want to sit home and moan and groan, so what happens is, there's no nights free, and then they wonder why they're single. Now, let's talk about the four types of dating. The drink is the audition. You're being auditioned. Know that. Cocktails are auditioning.
Patti: It could translate to dinner if he likes you, but you got 15 minutes to drink. Coffee is cheap. He's cheap. Don't go to coffee. I don't care if it's Starbucks. As much as I love my chai lattes, do not go to coffee. Coffee's cheap. You're in college, it's a different story. We're talking about normal people in real life. Lunch is an interview. It's like a future job, so he's going to have to rush out at that hour mark. It's not very romantic. Dinner is romantic. Men have to eat. To pay for one extra person is not that big a deal to them. They don't like to eat alone. That's another thing. They'll meet with their guy friends at their local restaurant that they go to regularly on a regular basis, and they'll have a steak dinner, so just know, if he asks you for dinner and it's a blind date on your first date, that is a compliment to the attestment that he's excited to meet you.
Emma: Oh good. Almost all my first dates are dinner. Yay.
Patti: Just know that. Dinner is romance. Now, dinner on the weekend is double romance, because he can sleep in the next day, and that means they have all the time in the world that night. Nightcap, go dancing, whatever it is. He wants to extend the date, you know he likes you.
Emma: Awesome advice. Patti Stanger, you are not just doing your show, you've got all kinds of awesome projects that you're doing also. You have a audio coaching project, SingleGirlsHandbook.com. Tell us about that.
The Single Girl's Handbook
Patti: SingleGirlsHandbook.com was something that the fans asked me to make. When I made Become Your Own Matchmaker, it became a bestseller, but a lot of people don't read anymore, and they want to listen on the car to work, so we made an audio coaching program. You can download, you can put it on a USB, you can listen from your iPhone. It's fabulous. It's me speaking to you and giving you a road map to marriage. Within the period of time, it's kind of like 90 days to love, you will get that guy, and then there's a second part, which we're coming out with, which is going to be 365 to Engagement. That's another thing.
Patti: We get you the ring on Single Girls' Handbook. It's like a teaser, but you're going to be getting more, Single Girls' Handbook 2. Now, the other thing is, I have wine app, PS: Match, which is sold on Wine.com. We have two great flavors. We have a sweet red sparkling, which is kind of Rosso grapes from Italy, and it's fabulous, and we also have a white Chardonnay, which has a hint of green apple. Both of my wines have aphrodisiac components in them, so they make you juicy goosey downstairs.
Emma: Awesome, and where can we find those?
Patti: You can get it at Wine.com. It's called PS: Match, and we also will be having a Cab and a Prosecco in the new year, so I'm super excited. I own part of TYKU Sake. I got in the liquor business, and the TYKU Sake business was very male-dominated, so I wanted to do something for my girls, and I drink wine at my mixers, so I was really excited about it. We'll be coming out with a cocktail guide. I mix wine with vodka. With the sweet red sparkling, I make this thing called the Cherry Bomb, which you can find on my Instagram, and it gives the recipe. That's fabulous. It's great for parties. It's great when you go to the clubs. It's just a nice, sweet ride. It's not too overwhelming like a tequila drink, and it's not underwhelming, like wine, which makes you mellow. It just gives you that nice hint of buzz so you get a little energetic.
Emma: PS: Match, SingleGirlsHandbook.com. Leave us with your top three tips for successful women looking for love.
Top three tips for successful women looking for love
Patti: One, stop believing that he's not out there, so get out there. Get out of the house. Do something this week you thought you always wanted to do, and you never did before, whether there are men there or not. Get out. Change your energy, change your life. Two, I need you to know where men are, so you need to start making a map in your city. Where do single men go? Do you even know? And three, where there's meat, there's men, so any steakhouse, 5:00 on, you will find a roster of men. If the men are not for you, or are married, ask them to fix you up. The best matchmaker is a man that you know, that knows you.
Emma: Awesome. Patti Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker, thank you so much for joining me today.
Patti: So much. Have a great day.
Emma: Thanks for listening, guys. Follow Like a Mother with Emma Johnson on iTunes, or my blog, WealthySingleMommy.com. New shows every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Now go out there and live like a mother.
Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list.
Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.
A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.