Fighting with your kids’ dad about holiday schedule? Do this ….

christmas without kids

 

The holidays are so hard for divorced and separated families. They just are. Especially if you are new to sharing the kids on the holidays. You are grieving what you thought your family would look like. What you hoped and expected your family would look like. And so much of that image is wrapped up in special occasions like holidays — holidays informed by magazines, movies, Hallmark and William Sonoma ads — not to mention social media and your own memories from your childhood (whether you hoped to replicate good times, or deviate from bad ones). Now your family looks different and it sucks. No matter how you dice it, it is ugly.

If you’re negotiating holiday schedules for this season, or are in custody negotiations,  here is my one piece of advice for you this year, and years going forward:

Let it go. Give him the holidays.

Why?

  1. It doesn’t matter what day you actually celebrate on. Christmas Eve on the 20th, Thanksgiving on a Monday, Yom Kippur on the week before the actual holiday … whatever. It doesn’t matter.
  2. Holidays are about time with your loved ones, traditions and having a good time. You kids won’t remember if you celebrate Passover or Easter according to the good book’s date, or when you and your ex sort it out. They won’t, I promise. They will remember you and their dad bitching at each other, tension in the house before they are to depart to their house, or that stink eye you give him when you drop off the kids. They will remember, I promise.
  3. If he is fighting for more time with the kids, give him more time. I have written a ton about the benefits of equal co-parenting, and the devastating affects of fatherlessness, which is perpetuated when families have unequal parenting time, and one parent presumes to be the superior parent by way of gender. Old-fashioned and sexist. Just give him the time.
  4. Ask yourself: Do you really care about that dinner at your parents, or the neighborhood caroling thing? Maybe you do, and that is OK, and you should try to negotiate in a reasonable way with him so everyone wins. But for real: Do you really love that thing? Or do you do it out obligation, and then resent it? Or do you do it because you’ve always done that thing, and never really thought about if it brought you joy? Does the cookie swap sound cute, but you know will be annoying? Does it sound really lovely to spend a whole day with your extended family each and every year, but in reality the event is rife with resentments, judgements and avoiding your drunk uncle like the plague? Let that shit go and take some control of your holiday!
  5. Ask yourself: Why are you arguing with him? Is it because you are trying to punish him because yo are hurting? Are you trying to keep your family time looking like it did before the breakup? Do you feel entitled to get your way because he pissed you off about something else? It is tough, trust me, I get it. I get it! But really? Just let that go.

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Lisa messaged me on Facebook and said:

I think it takes awhile to get to this point after a difficult marriage, but the truth is that only light takes away dark and only love replaces hate. I wish I had learned that much sooner. Set boundaries and then just give and give so that you and your kids benefit.

 

Fighting with your kids’ dad about holiday schedule? Here is the ONE thing to kill this debate …

How to negotiate the holidays with your ex instead:

  1. Mainly: Just let him have his way. The more you give, the more you get. You may not get your way right now, this holiday or even this year. But it will come back to you.
  2. Stop keeping score.
  3. Pick one special thing you really love doing during the holidays and make a big deal out of that. Tell your kids’ dad that is important to you, and go all out. For me, Christmas is my cultural touch-point, and my kids and I hold a tree-trimming party at our house. I make gallons of chili and pans of corn bread and it is fun. There are other holiday traditions and festivities, but that is our main jam, and we work that date around what their dad wants to do. I don’t remember there being any conflict.
  4. When your kids are with their dad, do something you really enjoy doing. Read a sleazy magazine. Get your nails done. Go to a movie. Last year on Christmas Eve I found myself without plans and a little blue, so called an old friend who invited me to her holiday dinner in her darling Brooklyn apartment. There were a dozen adults drinking and eating excellent wine and food and I spent the evening making fascinating new friends and not missing my kids a bit.
  5. Do something really nice for your ex. I don’t care how you feel about him, do something nice. Buy a gift on behalf of the kids — or, — CRAZY! — yourself. Give his new wife or girlfriend a good bottle of wine or candle. Give him a hug and wish him happy new year. And mean it (or at least try very, very hard to be sincere). Take a step at healing.
  6. If you are mourning your old life, or traditions that may not work out long-term, that is OK. Create a new tradition that will carry you forward. This is a new chapter. Honor it with a new ritual. And for the love of humanity, let go of all the pressure to make the holidays look like something they’re no.

Related posts about single moms, divorce and the holidays, including if your kids’ dad is not in their life:

Single mom holiday survival guide

Open letter to myself about holiday nonsense 

Building a holiday tradition alone. But not really

Facing Christmas for the first time without a family homestead

Dammit, I’m going to have a fun holiday (and how a live lobster delivery 30 years ago ruined Christmases to come)

 

How about you? How have you successfully negotiated the holiday schedule with your ex? Share in the comments! 

 

9 thoughts on “Fighting with your kids’ dad about holiday schedule? Do this ….

  1. Hello. I saw your book on Dooce’s blog. And it caught my attention. I am a single mom to an almost 10 year old amazing little girl. My husband and I separated in July of 2016 and lived together until October 2016 when he moved out. The moment we both agreed to separate, the next words out of my mouth were: and we will continue to be great parents, together. That is the rule, no arguing, you may not like me at all (under statement!) however we will be nice to each other starting right now. Pretend to like me if you have to. And that is exactly what we did. And have continued to do. It was a relief when we both agreed, together, and at the same time to separate. A relief that I was not expecting to feel, I thought I would be sad and devastated but it was a long time coming and I was actually happy about it. It was odd but freeing. And I think he felt the same. We told our daughter 2 weeks before he moved out (I googled and googled the best way to do this). And followed what I read. Tell the child about 2 weeks before the separation if you can and do it together. Keep it simple and to the point. Be certain that you say that you will be friends and parents together forever and make sure the child really understands that. We literally consciously uncoupled, when I first heard that concept from Gwyneth, I laughed and joked and made fun of it like everyone else. Little did I know that I too would be following her terrific example just a few years later. We make it a point to attend almost every school thing together that we can, we have been to lunch and dinner together. He came to my families house for Xmas last year and may this year as well. And I went to his families for TG. Our daughter has not missed a beat, has never asked me if I hate her father (I do not), has never asked us to get back together. None of that. And it is because we have continued to co-parent and never talk crap about each other in her presence. We have certainly had some text fights, we are not perfect. And he can be a real dick at times, and I am no saint either. And yes I have told him off more than once, but only over text. Never on the phone and for sure not in person. There was one time in the beginning of our separation that he came into my house and started to yell about whatever it was, and I immediately stood up, opened the door, told him to GET OUT NOW!! and he did. When he left I texted him and said don’t you ever, ever come into this house and yell at me in front of our daughter EVER again. And he hasn’t. I will never ever understand how people involve their children in their adult crap, say nasty things, and continue to hate each other through their children. All the while thinking it is okay. I am incredibly proud of us. When we attend things with mutual friends and their kids, people ask me, hey are you guys back together? And I laugh because we get along so well that it gets confusing to others. People are usually shocked when I say how we are now and that we get along. They look at me like I am crazy, delusional or lying. And say, well that just means you guys will get back together. And I am like, NOPE!! And I agree that any Holiday can be celebrated on any day. It is just that most divorced people want that control, ignoring the well being of their children. Demanding to have the kids on this day or that day. That is just too much drama for me. I have learned that just saying OK, OK, OK to most things that he does that annoy me works quite well. I am enjoying the PEACE!

  2. Good Lord, God Bless you Heart first of all in bringing this out during the most stressful and painful season for moms like me to decide what to do with your child and how to do share your holidays. I have no clue about this clearly because this is my first year of real separation. And yes, i groan with pain when i dont have my child every single day but something that i have to deal with. This gave me a gut wrenching confidence and clarity that yes, i can let it go and and yes i can take control of my holiday as i want.
    Your website and posts have been so reinforcing to my beliefs and ideas. I commend you for doing what you are doing. Love it! Absolutely love it!

  3. My ex just stopped everything..addiction does that to a person. I leave it up to my kids to make a plan with their dad. I never say no you can’t go . I say that sounds like fun. The oldest might visit a couple hours when she’s home from break. My middle never sees him. My youngest might see him once a month. Their father is a notorious breaker of plans. I don’t see myself ever hugging him but I do wish him well. He lives with his gf but still sends me inappropriate texts. I never text back but I will answer a phone call. I’ve completely moved on..physically and emotionally. I’m a good mom and I️ want what’s best for my kids but it’s going to be on their terms.

  4. Your advice is so good and spot-on. It was important to my ex to have our son on Christmas Eve with his family, so we started a new tradition where he and my son came over to join me and my daughter here on Christmas morning. I filled a stocking for my ex and we exchanged a gift or two, and we all had a fun morning opening presents followed by a nice brunch. Sadly, my ex died very suddenly and unexpectedly in 2016. I am so, so thankful we were able to put our differences aside and share those precious Christmases together. My children and I treasure the memories.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this perspective. Ties with our exes continue after the relationship ends, and your story shows us why and how to manage that with grace. Well done, great example for your kids and other families.

  5. What would you recommend to people with abusive exes? Your advice sounds wonderful for normal people, but what about when you have an abusive ex who keeps badmouthing you in front of your children?

    1. Laura, I recommend all communications be in writing. Talk to a lawyer about enforcing any non-disparagement clauses in your divorce agreement/parenting plan, and switch to using scheduling software such as Our Family Wizard, which has a tone meter for keeping thIngs civil.

      Read “Why He Does That” by Lundy Bancroft.

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