Thinking about dating after divorce and babies can be beyond daunting. After I stopped nursing (a blissful period during which my round hips narrowed, my small tits swelled, and my acne-prone skin cleared and glowed), it has been all downhill for this bod. A newly poofy stomach, C-section scar and boobs that would not stop lactating — all while my thighs grew increasingly gooey.
But once out on the dating scene, I got over it quickly. That I don’t look like Heidi Klum or Kim Kardashian (that butt, I mean, really) has zero to do with my ability to find really amazing sex (keep reading) and love. And what your body has absolutely nothing to do with your ability find a man to adore your body during mind-blowing sex. No matter what said body may look like.
Don’t believe me?
Read these three things if you feel too fat for sex:
Published on xoJane by a Canadian single mom, this was one of my most favoritest readings in the past year. The writer details how her obesity did not stand in the way of her post-breakup quest for lots of great sex — often with men who are classically handsome and successful and not fetishists. I suggest bookmarking it, printing it out, and reading it over and over. She writes:
I’m rather short and weigh almost precisely 300 lbs. I wear size 28 clothing. Unless you think such things are mutually exclusive, I would describe myself as reasonably pretty, in a natural, low-maintenance, naughty librarian kind of way. I am fiercely intelligent, deeply hilarious, casually stylish, utterly unselfconscious and really, genuinely nice. I am also an absolute riot in the sack.
She goes on to detail the amazing sex she’s had with all kinds of men, including:
One of the first men I met after the separation was someone I initially assumed was completely out of my league. He is the absolute whole package — smart, successful, a hell of a nice guy, not to mention extremely handsome with the gym-perfected body of a Greek god. The kind of guy who can pretty much have his pick of women. To my surprise, he was incredibly into me, and continues to be to this day.
We were lying in bed one night after some of the best sex of either of our lives and I asked him what it was that had attracted him to me in the first place. I knew I wasn’t the type he always went for, so I was curious. He just looked at me and shrugged and smiled and said “confidence is sexy.” Those words were a touchstone for me.
The most common experience, however, is with “guys who are openminded to all kinds of sexiness. They don’t have a physical ‘type and have enjoyed women of a variety of shapes and sizes. To them, my sex appeal has more to do with my spirit of adventure and capacity for joyous abandon than the composition of my body.
Those who find me really, really physically attractive and have no problem owning that desire. Guys who love my softness. Guys who massage my belly, who grab handfuls of my ass, who bury themselves between my breasts. Guys who can’t get enough of every last inch of me. To them, I am a revelation – an ample woman with no body shame who says sure, let’s have sex with the lights on.
Have a read. Thank me later.
Not just because I love Amy Schumer and think you should watch way more of whatever she’s putting out, this one quote got all kinds of play, as does Amy, who looks little like what the media tells us we should, but is doubtless catching all kinds of dick because, well, she’s funny as shit, charming, feminist and edgy and, well, herself. Plus, I weigh about 160 lbs so when I heard that number my love for her swelled and may or may not have made my panties look like I blew my nose into them (joke credit: A. Schumer).
3. My last week
As I wrote, I spent most of August in Europe, and on one of the last days I had a wonderful evening with a hot, single Danish dad. I had a hunch the the night would be fun, but it turned out to be FANTASTIC, in part because there was just so much freaking chemistry that defies any OKCupid algorithms that tossed us together. Laughing and talking most of the night and through the next afternoon, over the breakfast he cooked and into the shower and back to bed again. Heartbreaking that it ended (though isn’t that inevitable ending part of why travel affairs are so intense?), it was one of those things.
A big part of the experience was how much this man adored my body. My juicy booty that has attracted cat calls from black men since I was 15 and makes it nearly impossible to find jeans to fit? This white European man couldn’t get enough. Squishy thighs that I was pretty sure turned off a promising date a few years ago, as I wrote about here? Best thing that happened onto his sheets.
Ladies, that’s what I’m talking about.
This would be a less poignant story to share if it were anomalous, and in a way it was.
But in the past few years since becoming a single mom with a less-than perfect body, I have been seduced by men who are younger and hotter and fitter and more charming than me, some of them had me wondering, almost aloud: “Do you have eyeballs? That work?”
They could in fact see me, and they liked what they saw, and usually, we had a pretty good time, and some I dated for a while. Because chemistry doesn’t have a whole lot to do with any 1 through 10 numbers that men and women assign each other, but rather a messy, sometimes delightful amalgamation of zillions of human characteristics — only one of which is the physical bodies that we each occupy.
Case in point: The sexual chemistry with my Danish lover was white-hot because our intellectual, humor and world-view rapport was so intense. But as our librarian friends so acutely points out, sexual chemistry defies bodies, and often explanation, and has a whole lot more to do with confidence — confidence that it really doesn’t matter a whole lot about what you have going on under your Spanx.
Why you need to stop using your mom-body as an excuse not to have the sex you crave:
- See above. Sexual chemistry doesn’t have a whole lot to do with what you look like naked.
- Guys bodies go south as they age, too. Including that their dicks stop working. Which is really stressful for them.
- Men have been having sex with mothers since the dawn of time. You think you’re going to single-handedly stop the evolutionary cycle?
- Guys just don’t care as much you think they do. They just don’t.