The benefits of being a single mom with a good co-parent

Money has been in short supply lately. I’ve been getting by OK, but in my kids’ big picture — their whole family picture — there is not enough money for reasons that I allude to here. Suffice it to say, their dad is an important part of my kids’ lives, but when it comes to logistics and finances it’s nearly all on me. Since neither my ex nor I can rely on family money, my kids and my lives really are my sole responsibility.

That I have been able to thrive since my divorce has been enormously empowering — thrilling, even. It has been an experience for which I am grateful. I’ve done way more than I though I ever could, and am (mostly) confident I can do even more. That doesn’t mean it’s easy every day. And it doesn’t mean that my family — more than many – isn’t vulnerable.

I get scared a lot. In that moment when I’m about to drift off to sleep, I am jolted awake in terror: What happens if become sick or disabled? What if I need to be cared for or otherwise can’t work? What happens to the kids if something happens to me?

Yes, there are people in my life who would step in. But those friend and family resources are nowhere as secure as a loving spouse. If I had a financially stable and involved husband my kids’ exposure to risk would be minimized by half. If their dad remarried, by three quarters. Statistically men, women and children fare worse in the event of divorce — assets are divided between two spheres, income and housekeeping muscle diluted by as many homes. There simply isn’t enough money or energy to go around as there is when both parents live in and help run one house.

But if there are two houses occupied by two professional adults each, then a child’s economic security is twice as strong as a typical nuclear family. Even if three out of the four adults find themselves unemployed, that kid can still count on some income — not to mention physical and emotional resources of four loving parents. Four, in my fantasy, is better than two.

This all sounds like a nice, tidy arrangement — one that a mess of stepkids or an over-mortgaged McMansion could throw off. But this is my fantasy and its prospects comfort me. At the same time it heightens my anxiety. After all, if I could do just one single thing to improve my family’s financial security, why the hell don’t I just do that?

Well, because fantasies are indeed just fantasies. For one, I have not yet been ready to take the emotional risk of romantic commitment (and really – if you read my story – can you blame a girl?). I know first-hand that in my marriage I unconsciously held myself back professionally and financially for the sake of my marriage — something many women do, whether they admit it or not. Would I repeat that in a second marriage — zeroing out any financial security gained by the union?

I don’t know. You don’t know either. Because marriage and relationships are all messy business more often influenced by the whims of human foibles than tidy equations. But as I save for taxes, strategize in my business and try to figure out how to keep my kids’ whole family picture stable, sometimes I need a break. And so I slip off into my fantasy where divorce ends up making everyone richer than their Plan A.

Recently a divorced friend shared, completely unabashed, that her goal is for her daughter, who is now a teenager, is to grow up and have a child with a great man who will be a great co-parent, then end the relationship and find a loving romantic partnership with someone else.

My friend, who is an entrepreneur after having a successful corporate career and authoring several books, asked to remain anonymous. She casually mentioned her stance at a party, and the backlash was unnerving. “I'm not wired for this kind of controversy,” she said when I asked if she'd share her story here. But she encouraged me to run with it anonymously.

I really appreciate her stance. Not only is it really, really honest, I do share her sentiment, though not entirely from personal experience. My kids are with their dad one afternoon per week, and 24 hours on weekends — plus usually a few weeks in the summer. But I will say: I always look forward to that alone time, even if I'm using it to work. I am 100% a better mom because of those breaks, which afford me the time to develop parts of my life that are not focused on my kids.

Here is what my friend told me:

My dream for my daughter is that she be in a loving relationship, and have a good ex-husband who really does a great job with the kids, 50 percent of the time.

People forget the joys of divorce — sharing your kids without guilt and having alone/me time.

I am a better mom as a divorced mom than a full-time mom who was stressed and distracted. Even though I love my child, having time away from her has allowed me to have and live a more complete life — and be a better mom when I am with her.

Thanks to the fact my daughter is with her dad half the time, I have been able to nurture a lucrative career that I am very passionate about and proud of. There is so much less ‘mommy guilt' when I have to attend evening work events or travel, because it rarely means working around my child. I just go.


I also have time to exercise, enjoy vacations that are relaxing and involve lots of book-reading, and I have had time to nurture a relationship with my new husband, with fewer of the stresses of blended families.

Plus, by the end of my kid-free week, I am recharged and ready to be a mom. If you have your kids all the time, they suck your energy, and you have little opportunity to recoup. My married friends could never compete kids afternoon events and activities. I'm the mom who throws the sushi parties, and spends afternoon with my daughter and her friends making cupcakes. I gave my daughter some wonderful experiences because I missed her and wanted our time together to be special and memorable. And because I work full-time, I have the financial resources to take her on trips and other special activities.

My sister is a married, working mom with two kids and she can barely get away to go to the gym. She feels guilty when leaving her kids with nanny or babysitter because they are in daycare all day. If her husband takes the kids, then she spends time alone without him. They lose their connection as a couple and become work horses sacrificing for their children — the very reason so many marriages end in divorce.

When I shared this stance stance with other women, they thought I was a terrible person for encouraging divorce, splitting up families and for wanting time to myself. “What kind of mother doesn't want to be with their kids fulltime?” But the moms I see are stressed out and don't enjoy their children as much as they could — if they had consistent breaks.

What do you think? Is she a better mom or worse mom for this stance? What is your experience? Does co-parenting make you a better mom, or worse? Share in the comments!

About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour,, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list. Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.


  1. Hilarie Rock on September 6, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    I understand the “idea” of what she is saying. I can say with every fiber of my being that I would not wish single parenthood on my worst enemy let alone my child. I am ALL about two loving parents AND finding a balance. And since I am currently single, it is all about ME finding a balance. Parenting is hard and NOT meant to be done alone but as a unit. I prefer my unit be in the same house and I share a life with that unit that my child sees and one day copies. I say all of this to say, I “get” where she is coming from I just do not want that for my child.

    • Emma on September 6, 2016 at 2:35 pm

      “would not wish single parenthood on my worst enemy let alone my child.” Really? Single motherhood is that bad?

      • James Russler on October 4, 2016 at 1:36 am

        Yes, it is. Not just for the parent, but for society at large.

  2. Dana Michelle on September 6, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    Hi there. New, but frequent reader, first time commenter. Like Hillarie, I understand the idea of what she’s saying which is make lemonade out of lemons, however, I would not dream for my child to be single parent. Most single parents would agree that this is not an ideal situation nor one that they thought they’d be in starting out with their ex. Choosing to be a single parent from the outset is very different from ending up one. Also, she has an ideal situation in an otherwise less than ideal scenario. What if her daughters ex didn’t want the kids one afternoon per week, weekends and weeks in the summer? She has a co-parenting situation, not a single parent one.

    As a single parent in the truest definition of the term, I can tell you that I LOVE my babysitter because she is my lifeline. When my child very young, I would sometimes bring him to her house just so I could take a nap. We all have to do what works. Single parenting isn’t something I would encourage, but doing the best you can with what have is, so cheers to her for that.

    • Emma on September 6, 2016 at 9:00 pm

      Well, her dream is that her ex WOULD be a great co-parent, this is her ideal …

      • Dominic Agnes on August 30, 2018 at 2:36 pm

        Admit it Emma, the article is shortsighted and is really based on feelings that in the long run just doesn’t work out for the best for both parties.

        The article is messed up.

  3. Michelle on September 6, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    The issue here is that we are meant to live with extended family members, not just as a two parent home. Parents do need and benefit from the alone/independent time, but the slack is meant to be taken up by aunties and uncles and grandparents. Then the children has attention from several adults who love them and the child rearing responsibilities are diffused accross all of the familial adults. The child also learns the varied styles and personalities of the klan, which is better for them. Hence the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”. In America, many of us have lost our extended family connections cohesive sense of community. This is not as nature intended, so now people hire a nanny or a sitter.

    • Emma on September 6, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Or live separately from the other parent, and get their free time that way …

  4. Sheri Conaway on September 7, 2016 at 4:31 am

    I was a single mom, but unfortunately, I had a lousy ex-husband; so lousy, in fact, that my daughters refused to visit him at all when they turned 11. They’d been complaining for several years before that, but hadn’t been able to tell him they didn’t want to visit. I know this sounds harsh, but with all of the legalities involved, I told them I couldn’t keep him from seeing his daughters, but I would support them if they chose not to see him.

    That being said, I took a lot of flak from mothers who believed you have to completely give up your life for your kids. One thing that has always kept me sane is going out dancing. It gives me a chance to blow off some steam and reconnect with the spark of joy inside me. By doing so and taking some me time every week, I feel I was a better parent. Sure, the kids spent evenings with a babysitter, but they also got a lot of real quality time with an unstressed out mom. We baked quite a bit, especially during the holidays. We had regular “Borders nights” when we’d go to the local book store and take off in different directions, meeting up in the cafe to share our finds.

    So when she explains how divorce can help her be a better mom (qualified by having an ex who is a great dad and with whom she remains friendly) I can certainly see her point. However you manage it, that me time really is important. Women in particular are too wrapped up in doing it all, and as a result are highly susceptible to stress-related health issues. There is a happy medium and each of us has to find our own…for our sake as well as our kids.

    • Dave on October 3, 2016 at 9:53 am

      Of course you’re an angel, and you had nothing to do with your kids refusing to see their dad when they turned 11.
      And you forgot that you CHOSE this “lousy” man as a husband; he did not force you into anything. That must say something about your ability to make intelligent decisions.
      Actually, it sounds like you need to look in the mirror. If you are in a relationship with a man and you do not respect him, that relationship is doomed. You can do everything else but it’s going to fail. To a man, respect is worth more than food, sex, money and everything combined.
      If you wont to have a happy home, choose a man you truly respect, and stay with him till death part you two.

  5. Abigail Swire on September 8, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Great idea, in theory! I’m just wondering where to find this dedicated, nurturing, generous, fatherly sperm donor and, after finding the first, where is the second ideal mate? Where did she find them?

    • Ginger on September 9, 2016 at 10:28 am

      LOL, that is the question?!!

    • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 9:11 am

      Here’s why you can’t find them. How would you react if a guy told you he wanted to get married to you in order to have some kids, and for you to put years of your life/money/resources into building a family. Then, at a time of his choosing, when he’s gotten bored of you, will divorce you to find a new woman. After that, he expects you to have a loving and harmonious co-parental relationship with him and the kids, and for you to appreciate and respect his marriage with his new wife, since he’s now grown and found himself. You’d sign up for that? Doubtful. That’s why you won’t find many men going for this.

  6. Natalie on September 12, 2016 at 9:29 am

    Hopefully this person will be completely up front that she’s snagging this man strictly for sperm and babysitting and not because she wants to build a home together with him and that she’ll dump him for a well hung charmer as soon as the tot is weaned.

    I can imagine that lots of men will be lining up to parent with a charmer like her….

    • MJ on September 12, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      The reason men don’t trust single mothers, no matter what their story.

      • Tim on September 12, 2016 at 9:59 pm

        True story

      • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 6:47 am

        Fair point. But … the situation she describes can very much work for men, too. In fact, it works GREAT for most unmarried fathers, most of whom check out of parenting to do what they please.

    • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:34 am

      I think the hammer has met the head in the nail with that comment.

      • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:38 am

        Specifically, Natalie’s comment

  7. Triggerhippy on September 12, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Speaking as a child of a broken home, who did the weekend visit thing, I’m going to speak and extrapolate from personal experiance.
    What this whole peice and the unnamed lady has failed to reconise is the effect on the psyology of the child / children of her “idillic” situation. The never really feeling at home, the real Dad being almost forced to compete with the new “Mr Perfect” not to mention how the kid feels about the parade of new dads and how they might treat thier new “family” in private, until the right gerk is found of course. He treats Mom just great and sends the kids off to boarding school, because its a great educational oppertunity. Mom and new dad have a great life with lots of free time.
    Real Dad now doesn’t get to see Daughter / Son very often at the weekends anymore, because of school. Plus his lawer has told him that he now has to pay half the school fee’s, which he should have no trouble with, it’s only 30% of his gross income after all.
    Kid grows up quietly resenting Mommy dearest and will likely have a few Father issues too, nip off to University and it’s hello major drug problem and likely drop out. But at least it’s one big check mark on the single parent family I guess, just not how mommy planned it.

  8. Tim on September 12, 2016 at 10:52 am

    Really? Just plan from the onset to marry, have kids with him, emasculate him into being the nurturer, then dump him for a “real man” because he just doesn’t do it for you any more. I have Three sons and can hardly believe the gauntlet our world is setting up for them. You can bet I will make sure they read this and all the other devious things written about that the current woman in or society actually is thinking when they say they would like to get married and have kids with them.
    I kind of doubt this comment will stay posted, but my advice to young men is; learn about predictive behavior modeling, research and choose wisely.

  9. Feta on September 12, 2016 at 11:30 am

    As women, if you had a son, would you want him to play the role of the “great co-parent” or that of the “loving romantic partner?”

    • Tim on September 12, 2016 at 12:59 pm

      A narcissist never considers the effects of their actions on other poeple.

    • Emma on September 12, 2016 at 1:01 pm

      Why not both- but with different people?

      • Tim on September 12, 2016 at 10:04 pm

        There is a difference between being tricked into a situation and agreeing on a plan. Quit your rationalizing.

        • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 6:51 am

          Look, marriage norms are constantly evolving. Today, 57% of millenial mothers are unmarried, divorce rates are steady for 4 decades. Who is say that this arrangement can’t or shouldn’t be made on the front end? Clearly your ideals about marriage aren’t working. Let’s try something new.

          • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 9:01 am

            Your not taking into account what’s going on here. That being, her plan is to essentially trick husband #1, dump him after she has the children she wanted and they are stabilized, then find husband #2 who will continue the work husband #1, all for her gain/preference. A plan like this does not take into consideration the feelings of husband #1, husband #2, and to an extent, the children. It’s the epitome of narcissism. I’m all for rethinking marriage and relationship norms, but this is a plan based on selfishness. And any relationship, monogamous, polyamorus, etc, won’t work if it’s directed by one trying to trick the other(s).

            • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 3:35 pm

              Why the assumption anyone was tricked? In her case, her ideal happened by happenstance. She advocates for her daughter to find the same, in an open, planned way.

          • Tim on September 13, 2016 at 3:06 pm

            You have no idea what my ideals about marriage are. But trickery has no place in any relationship. Like I said, if a woman can get a man with tiny nuts, or any for that matter to agree to this, more power to her.

            • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 3:33 pm

              Why the assumption anyone was or would be tricked? Why so terrified of women taking advantage of you? I’m sorry for your past wounds, but be afraid not of someone who thinks outside the failed marriage box and found a path that works for her, her daughter, her ex, his new wife, and her new husband.

          • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 7:52 pm

            “Why the assumption anyone was or would be tricked? ”

            Because let’s be real, actually getting several men (or women if the role was reversed) to agree to her terms would be next to impossible. The fact that this is a fantasy to her should tell you she knows its not a very realistic expectation. So in order to get something like this, a person would very much have to go about “tricking” people into this kind of thing. Its an assumption I’m making, I get that, but a very reasonable one considering “tricking” would be astronomically a better way of making this happen, compared to the near non-exsistent success rate an “honest and up front” policy.

            • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 8:02 pm

              Why not? Unless you’re living under a rock, you can and have heard any number of family configurations arranged by willing adults: willing sperm donors who serve as uncle figures, multigenerational families, friends who raise children together. This is just something that works well for her, and frankly countless other famililes who came to it, also by happenstance rather than design. I worry some past hurt is negatively coloring your opinion of someone who has found happiness.

            • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:40 pm

              Of course I’m aware of different family configurations….But comparing willing sperm donors who take on an uncle-like role or grandparents/friends living with a couple to help raise the kids…comparing that to what she wants….is just apples and oranges. The scenarios you’re referring to, are more like people “chipping in” to help raise the kids. What she wants; one man to sacrifice years of his life and wealth, build a family with a house he helps pay for, and then another man to replace the previous guy to pony up years of his life and wealth to help raise her kids, not his kids…her’s….is VASTLY different than the scenarios you described. She’s asking for massively more investments from not one, but two different men. If she pulls it off without anyone getting hurt, kids especially, and does it while being upfront and honest with everyone. GREAT. I’m serious, good for her and I’m glad she did what worked for her. But let’s be realistic, actually pulling that off in a moral way is kind of a crapshoot at best. I mean think about it, if a guy asked you to get married, have kids and build a life with him, on the condition half-way through he gets to leave you for someone else, but still wants you to help pay for everything and support the kids, and for you to be gracious and accepting about it after youv’e both gone your separate ways…’d sign up for that? Probably not, because it puts you at massive emotional and financial risk down the road. So in order to pull something like this off (unless you get really luck and find 2 other kindred spirits on board), deception will most likely come into play.

  10. Ragnar on September 12, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    I guess that’s where breaking it down to the wife comes in. I love my wife. I work hard for our family. I love my kids. I’m no chump. I married for life. I have made it abundantly clear if my wife thinks she can eat, pray, love, then it’s not going to be easy.

    I won’t be the nurturing, caring, ex-husband. I’m not going to make it easier on her to go screw someone else after a divorce. Business trip? Sorry, I’ll be out of town then as well. I can’t take the kids then. Your masters thesis is due? I’m really sorry. That’s not convenient for me. Check with your Mom. I know she’s three states over.

    We have a great life which I plan to continue. If she wants to divorce me, then her life post divorce won’t be easy.

    • Emma on September 12, 2016 at 3:45 pm

      And your children will suffer for it, not your wife. If she’s like most women I know, she’s smart and will figure out how to do it all without you, quite well. This sort of childish mentality is why men have been given a bad rap- including the great ones that women like me date. You do all men a disservice with this mentality.

      • Tim on September 12, 2016 at 4:23 pm

        Feel like I talking to a wall here, but I’ll give it one more try.
        If a woman could get a ball less man to agree to this previous to marriage or marriage like partnership, more power to her. Though I doubt she would even be attracted to him in the first place then, only using him to fulfill her biological imperative.
        If this plan isn’t discussed and planed at the beginning of the relationship, the woman is a narcissistic liar and a fraud and a rationalize liar.

        • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 9:52 am

          Agreed. I’m cool with a situation like this if both parties agreed up front that they’d be splitting up down the road, and the split would be after the children have grown up (unlike this lady’s plan to have the split while the kids are still being raised). However, it’s likely trickery would be used over honesty, because her finding two men to be apart of this plan knowingly is pretty much nil.

      • Randy on September 12, 2016 at 8:06 pm

        This is incredibly selfish. What foolish man would agree to this? Then again, I guess fathers don’t matter to this ilk

      • J on January 8, 2019 at 12:15 pm

        While I don’t think that the woman in the scenario above is being at all realistic, and it does seem quite a bit narcisisstic, I agree with you about the man your responded to. This comment is not love, sounds very vengeful and bordering on abusive. Love me or else is not love. Period. And very scary.

  11. Clock on September 12, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    You’re selfish and narcissistic. Husbands are not horse-studs and wives are not bitch-dogs. Marriage is a promise to God until death. Not a contract of personal feminine convenience. Children are not puppies and are only fully protected in a marriage. May you suffer in hell for leading other blind women.

    • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:51 am

      There were plenty of constructive ways to criticize this article. How your were unable to find one is beyond me

    • Mike on September 26, 2016 at 2:12 pm

      The 1950’s are calling, they heard you talking about what marriage used to be, they wanted to reminisce with you.

      Modern day marriage has zero to do with God. It is a contract enforced by the state. Anyone entering into this contract had better look hard at what the state enforces, and completely ignore the religions of the world giving them nonsense advice and shaming them to enter into an agreement the enslaves their life, and subject you to the ill will of today’s modern woman ( see author of this article)

  12. Ragnar on September 12, 2016 at 11:26 pm

    This is a common idea lately in the feminist social circles. Women can do what they want with no consequence. Monogamy is a construct of the Patriarchy. Wrong. Monogamy is a societal norm. Get married to stay married. Somewhere along the way women decided that marriage or family does not matter. This is prevalent as 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

    Studies show that children in an intact home do much better socially and academically than those from broken homes. Not to mention less chance of drug use or abuse. This whole divorce is bliss article is very dangerous to many of the families that could stay intact.

  13. Ana Guzman on September 13, 2016 at 8:30 am

    So are you going to have another child and then divorce your new husband to? When does the divorcing stop?

    • uglycivilization on September 26, 2016 at 9:09 am

      the days they will not receive any pennies from it, it’s all about money.

  14. Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:46 am

    As long as the woman advocating this ignores the mountain of evidence showing children do better in a home with two parents as opposed to children in single parent homes, sure have at it. Sure, her plan is to have a new dad come along and help raise her kids and help pay her bills, but there’s definitely going to be a long period between husbands in which the kids will be in a single parent household as she finds a replacement. I’ll give her credit for being upfront and honest and out spoken about it, as this thinking is often put into practice, especially in my social and work circle

    • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 3:35 pm

      Well, in this woman’s case, there is no child support or alimony since she is very successful on her own, as is her ex and her second husband. Fewer and fewer women get alimony, and more and more are making their own way financially.

      • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 6:06 pm

        And money is just one part of the equation. There are tons of social and psychological consequences you put your kids at risk to when they’re in a single parent household .

        • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 6:09 pm

          But not if the mother is educated and has a high income, and a strong support system- especially from the father, all part of this woman’s plan. The nuclear family you idealize is now the minority, and single motherhood the new majority. Preach and judge all you want, this woman is paving a new path in a new world in a new time — and I support her efforts for keeping it real and relevant.

          • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:15 pm

            But her plan is to break the family up as the children are still being raised. That’s my biggest issue with this. Look, I get it, I’ve read what she said. Under all these ideal situations is how she wants this done, but she’s still putting them at risk by making them go through a parents’ separation while the kids are still being raised. Maybe mom and dad would both be ok with the split and money is no issue, but what if the kids aren’t okay with it? This is what gets me, very little is being brought up how this could affect the kids.

            As for the nuclear idea comment, look I’m pro-whatever works. I think traditional marriage is kind of a mess and not really for me, but in terms of the child-rearing route, complain all you want, but the numbers and studies show kids do better in multi-parent households with a couple that is happy and together, whether that be 2 moms, 2 dads, 1 mom/1 dad, etc.

            I’m fine with these kind of relationship experiments, I’m not against them, just how they’re done. For example, I’ve thought about something similar (nor for myself, I don’t want kids), but for people who are independent and want kids, but aren’t keen on lifelong commitment. They could have an “offspring marriage” if you will. A couple would agree to get married for the purposes of having kids and commit to staying together until their last child reaches adulthood. At that time, their marriage is null and void under the state and if they choose to stay, great, but neither is obligated to continue and they can walk. Also, the split happens when the kids are now adults, 18 or above, or whatever, as opposed to enduring the emotional trauma of the parents splitting when they are young and living under the parents’ roof.

            As for the line about single motherhood being the new majority….so? Just because something is popular, does not make it right (though there are some that pull off single-motherhood very well), that’s just mindless argumentum ad populum. Until new research comes out showing single parent households have a better track record than multi-parent households, its kinda hard to make a case the former is better than the latter, at least in a general sense.

            • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 8:36 pm

              Experts agree: children fare much better in families that are amicably divorced than in a hostile or even unhappy marriage. This model shows kids at least one if not two happy relationships to model. Divorce is not the end of the world. This isn’t the 40s.

            • Castamere on September 13, 2016 at 8:51 pm

              Yes, I’m aware, and agree. Which is why if you reread my post I qualified it on the condition that the couple is happily together.

              “studies show kids do better in multi-parent households with a couple that is happy and together, whether that be 2 moms, 2 dads, 1 mom/1 dad, etc.”

              Yes, I know divorce is not the end of the world, and I’ve never viewed it with the kind of old world stigma. Some couples even with kids are better off getting divorced and they’re for the better of it. I’m surprised you came to the conclusion that I feel theses things though after I said things like

              “I think traditional marriage is kind of a mess ”


              “I’m fine with these kind of relationship experiments, I’m not against them”

              I know you have alot of posts to read, and I give you credit for taking the time to respond to your readers. I really do mean that, I think its cool you have these dialogues with people. But please read just a little more carefully. I know I can be wordy and long winded.

            • Emma on September 14, 2016 at 1:44 pm

              You’re contradicting yourself — is a traditional marriage perfect for children, or a flawed, dated institution?

            • Castamere on September 15, 2016 at 5:33 am

              “You’re contradicting yourself — is a traditional marriage perfect for children, or a flawed, dated institution?”

              Seriously? Do I really have to rehash much of what I’ve said? Do I really have to explain how its possible to believe that multi-parent households tend to work best for kids, but also be open to different relationship models? I don’t see the point. Whenever I’ve given you a response, lengthy ones at that with various points brought up, you don’t respond to many of the criticisms I bring up, nor do you at least stand corrected on at least some of them. All you’ve been doing is giving me quippy replies with red herrings, even bringing up a non-sequitur like accusing me of having emotional pains for not seeing this the way you do. Have you ever thought it possible that….you could in fact be…..WRONG!? And its possible someone’s opinion can be right and not be emotionally driven?

              I’m not going to sit here and do your thinking for you and re-explain my side. There’s no point in it as I’ve yet to really get much more than trite half-thought responses, and I honestly don’t expect much more than those.

      • Connie on September 27, 2016 at 2:42 pm

        That’s great… And here’s how it works out for your friend’s daughter. Men will increasingly play the field and absolutely refuse to “wife up” someone who’s been groomed (by her mother and silly blog posts like this) to be a selfish, hypergamous, eat, pray, love kinda gal. — Men will avoid committing to someone with this mindset like cancer although will be perfectly happy to use her as a booty call. She’ll have a great time and fantastic, hot sex with alpha males galore when she’s young and beautiful.

        Then she’ll reach the epiphany — the barren womb stage will be right around the corner and the fear of her ovaries drying up like raisins will consume her. She will desperately try and find a man, any man, to marry her or even just get her pregnant, but she won’t have any takers. Eventually she’ll be overcome with grief (around her mid-30s) over the fact that she will never have the opportunity to fulfill life’s greatest purpose — raising, loving, caring and nurturing a child.

        You can call it God’s purpose (I do), or you can simply call it humanity’s genetic imperative because that intense desire for children is literally baked into women’s DNA. She will never experience the sublime perfection of holding her own baby in her arms… And she will grieve alone.

        She’ll realize way too late that the career “Go Grrrlll!”, “personal fulfillment” nonsense that she’s been fed by malignant women like your friend was all a lie. And she’ll live out her remaining days in a corporate cubicle culture pushing meaningless press releases or marketing campaigns. Maybe she’ll make VP… Maybe she’ll even become a CEO. None of that will fill the emptiness.

        I work with and have come across dozens of these women. Many are at the desperate stage. Others are past it… Just sad and broken.

        If your friend’s daughter reads this: I beg you not to listen to such toxic advice. Your mom and this blogger should be ashamed of urging this path for you. They won’t be of course because they are too consumed with their own selfishness and pursuing personal gratification at all costs (Yours mostly).

  15. Keith on September 13, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    It’s actually a pretty great idea. I’m married with kids, but I too feel like sometimes, join family life takes its toll on my free time, my hobbies and yes, my career. I’ve been brought up with the idea of lifelong monogamy, staying for the kids, but I’m starting to realize how staying in a marriage for convenience doesn’t really benefit anyone. On top of that, I’ve met someone at work, someone I really connect with, who’s fun and adventurous. She seems to really like me too, despite the age difference.

    I confided in a good friend about my feelings, and she sent me this blog post. Emma, I think your friend has the right idea. I think it’s time I made the jump and did the same. I’m sure my ex-wife will be an excellent co-parent, she already does so much for the kids. As for the other woman, I don’t know yet if she’ll be the one, but I think she’ll be good with kids too, and I know she likes to travel.

    Anyway, I know so many guys who are like the naysayers in the comments, trapped in a loveless marriage, and who could easily if they wanted to find a younger woman who actually cares for them, let them start from scratch. Things are changing guys, don’t resist it, embrace it! With today’s technology, it’s never been easier to keep up with your loves ones, so make the jump, and start enjoying life!

    • Emma on September 13, 2016 at 5:45 pm

      Great perspective, Keith!

      • Karl on September 24, 2016 at 7:51 pm

        He was being sarcastic

    • Ralph on September 17, 2016 at 8:25 pm

      Lol great idea Keith, I’m sure plenty of women would be happy co-parents after hubby trades up to a younger model!

  16. Emma on September 13, 2016 at 8:46 pm

    I find it nearly hilarious at the male outrage at my friend’s very thoughtful way of creating a meaingful life that happens to be non-traditional with the net result of being a better woman, professional, partner and mother. Meanwhile, the vast majority of men who live separately from their kids (just 22% see their children once per month or more, per Pew) bail on their children, many of them using all their newfound free time to start anew in a different relationship with little thought, time, care or money spent for their older kids. Text-book sexism.

    • Tim on September 13, 2016 at 9:35 pm

      I think we just figured out who here has an Axe to grind. Get real, sexism?

  17. Amy on September 19, 2016 at 9:56 pm

    I so get it. I feel sucked dry everyday. There is really no time to develop who you are. The finicial stain makes everything a strain. When you do have time you worry about everything and everyone. And then an aging parent thrown into the mix that wants to live with you. Being responsible sucks when you the main or only one. A trend I’m seeing with other friends.

  18. Matatan on September 26, 2016 at 3:28 am

    Hi Emma,
    Thanks for the heads up. Each of my four boys will read this article and be prepared to do due diligence when considering someone to be the mother of my grandchildren. You saved me a lot explaining to do. Keep up the good work!

  19. CS MGTOW on September 26, 2016 at 4:14 am

    In terms of any ‘dream’ of her daughter becoming a single mom, this is certainly likely to happen, statistically speaking. However this does bring up the wider issue of how much damage women are allowed to do to society before men do the right thing and restrain womwnes more base biological instincts of hypergamy. What the author speaks of here is retroactive cuckoldry combined with financial and emotional explotation of the initial husband, who upon being fitted into a straightjacket permanent provider status when the children are born, is then abandoned in favour of a new partner. This can, I might add, not take place without a legal system which will forcibly extract the initial husbands wealth, combined with the threat of jail for his non compliance. However my other concern is the negative outcomes that occur when families split, the documented increase in the rates of drug abuse, violent crimes and poor economic performance from the offspring of these family breakups. The author speaks as if divorce is a simple event and everyone lives happily ever after. This is rarely the case, most men are financially destroyed by divorce due to the alirony and child support payments they must make. According to the research most children do far worse financially, emotionally and physically when their biological parents are divorced, they are more likely to have children out of wedlock themselves, and spend time inxarceratdd. I am from such a broken home and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, frankly most persons would forgo the trivia the author delights in such as sushi parties and diabetes inducing baked flour snacks for being in a secure home with both parents. Thankfully articles such as yours are telling men that marrying is a game for idiots, which only the truly brainless engage in. Men are adopting a line of thought that says no to marriage, no to women, no to parent hood and no to being weekend fathers. Women have little to offer that can’t easily be replaced by pets, friends and prostitutes, and despite my vehement disagreement with the message behind your article, I am thankful you are helping a whole generation of men such as myself the extreme shallowness, self centered and insufferable nature of women.


    • DrunkDuck on September 26, 2016 at 10:38 am

      CS, ig you’re gonna post you need to do it from a computer. I’d disagree with you somewhat. Not all women act like that but enough of them do your time is better spent doing other things.

  20. Nitpicker on September 26, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Just one thing I don´t get, why separate from a good ex-husband in the first place? It almost sounds like the underlying premise is that 1 man can´t be enough. Statistically speaking you expect your daughter to win a jackpot: find two extraordinarily good men in a row, and both interested in her, both 100% working to make all her dreams come true.
    Also let´s talk about the “with children” week. Do you not have the double work you would have if you were with the ex-husband? A full time job + full time childcare just by yourself? How´s that easy to balance without any help at all? I suppose that since you share the time with children equally, you share the costs equally and you have to pay your part of the childcare by yourself.
    Or is it that you count on financial/childcare/both help of your new husband without him bringing in “liabilities” (i.e. his own children)? Wouldn´t that mean that a woman needs (and in your world is entitled to) 2 men to be able to have 1 set of kids? Isn´t an arrangement like that called parasitic usually?
    I would love to read a child from a family like that share his or her thoughts on how moving in and out every week and not having a permanent home makes you a better mother.

  21. Realist on September 26, 2016 at 10:57 am

    This arrangement rests entirely on the ex-husband’s willingness to accomodate it, financially and logistically. A vanishingly small percentage of men are willing to do that. If I have to explain why, you should probably get out more.

  22. Seaman on September 26, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Sounds like such a perfect dream setup… that’s of course if you leave out the sense of entitlement, the hypocrisy, cruelty, and pure selfishness of it all. Yes, the plan absolutely does require deception, as you stated above:

    “….. her goal is for her daughter, who is now a teenager, is to grow up and have a child with a great man who will be a great co-parent, then END THE RELATIONSHIP and find a loving romantic partnership with someone else”.

    Right, because mister great potential co-parent was just totally expecting his relationship to be ended once all this woman’s criteria was in place? Seriously GTFO. The entire tone of that statement is inherently deceptive, and is very clear that this woman doesn’t really give a shit about the feelings or life of the guy getting dumped, it’s all about the fantasy see. There’s no mention of why the relationship should be ended except because she wants it to, that’s it. How is the first husband supposed to feel about it? Like was stated above by another poster, impossible that the guy would go along with this if it was made clear to him that he’s gonna be left when she feels good and ready, and will only see his kids 50/50 now cuz feelz.

    I also find the entitlement and narcissism revolting. This woman’s fantasy for her daughter is that she is gonna have her cake, eat it too, and lick the icing off the candles. Too arrogant and self-absorbed to stop and think for a second how she’s gonna like it if the husband that was dumped re-marries, or re-marries a woman with kids, now having less time to focus on co-parenting their child. Also it’s implied that the new alpha she branch swings to is single, and just has time to spend all on her and their “loving romantic partnership”. How about considering that this man might like his single life and doesn’t care to have her kids around 50% of the time? Or how about considering that this new guy might also have kids, and she’s gonna now have to deal with them around 50/50 and any baby mamma drama, etc. thats invovled? No that wasn’t a thought was it?

    And you talk about sexism? Tell me what would happen if a guy outright stated that his plan for his son was to find some nice church girl, have a few children with her, then “end the relationship” and find some other chick to romp in the hay with and live happily ever after? I can’t even begin to imagine the outrage. But it’s women doing it, so it’s alright, no double standard or anything.

    Sorry folks, all logic, realistic expectations, morals, and decency are suspeneded during the Hamster Wheel ride. Please keep arms, legs, and wallets inside the safety zone until the ride is over, thank you.

  23. Mercy2 on September 26, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    “her goal is for her daughter……to grow up and have a child with a great man who will be a great co-parent, then end the relationship and find a loving romantic partnership with someone else.”

    It’s interesting that she would romanticize about her daughter leaving a “great man” and the biological father of her children in order to pursue a sexual, romantic relationship with a “someone else”. Interesting, but not at all surprising. We must thank you for this fine example of open female hypergamy fantasy, with a tinge of female indignation just under the surface. Quiet a masterpiece. Congratulations.

    More interesting, is what is conveniently left out of this fantasy draft: This “someone else” won’t be one man. Because so few high quality, attractive, alpha males would ever tolerate, let alone stay together with such a woman for very long. He might bed her, but stay with her? Respect her? Go on vacations with her? Such men have so many other, younger, more attractive and frankly more fun alternatives than divorcee with children and a cuckholded ex.

    Clearly the author, and her subject matter example, whom I’m guessing both have already met the wall in prolific fashion, don’t get out much. If they did, then they would not woefully underestimate the disdain for single mothers held by single, attractive and available men today. It may not be spoken out loud – and women certainly don’t hear what men won’t say. Nevertheless the contempt of which I speak really is something to behold.

    It would be many men, not one. Such that the daughter’s children would be watching a spinning, revolving door to their mommy’s bedroom, with strange, indifferent, perhaps even abusive men, going in an out. Literally.

    All of the research we have instructs us how devastating and damaging this is to children, yet here we have a feminist truimphalist author exposing its questionable benefit and value for “stressed out” women to make it a valid choice or garner attention.

    I’m so pleased that you wrote this article. Still, it’s nothing that a growing number of younger men don’t already know.

    • Seaman on September 26, 2016 at 1:41 pm

      All you men reading this take note on how neither the author nor any other female here said one word about loyalty to the actual father of the children. A man who in this feminist pipedream is assumed to be a “great man”, but yet neither is that enough to warrant a single mention of loyalty to him as the biological father for a reason to not implode the relationship. Be warned men, and see the real message here: The fact that you are the father of the children is not even a passing concern to these women, you are still JUST AS DISPOSABLE as the next guy when she sees fit. Loyalty is a concept lost on the female mind.

      But this is just feminist divorce porn at its finest. In reality no “great man” would ever get knowingly suckered into something like this, and if someone did agree to this it would be some low-T, submissive male that she can control and dominate, thus being assured of his cooperation in the later co-parenting stage. Again take note how the feelings of the children don’t matter either, it’s not even an afterthought, nor is their welfare. The women here in their naivete assume that the alpha stud she runs off to will just love little Timmy and Tommy, and fail to comprehend the very real and frightening statistics on step/blended family abuse that is more likely to occur from mommy’s new boy-toy, in the event he even welcomes her kids. The safest place for children, all things being equal, is with their biological parents. But yep, great idea, just rip children from their “great man” father, and now expect to bring them into the life of some stud you’ve picked to replace him, and think it’s just gonna be rainbows and sunshine. The blended family divorce rate was close to 75% last time I checked, and in some cases closer to 90%. But hey it’ll all work out, sure hun.

      Thanks for warning younger men what’s out there waiting.

      • Mercy2 on September 26, 2016 at 6:42 pm

        This is why the word “honor” and it’s derivative “honorable” no longer serves as a suitable adjective for such people.
        It’s also why the word “honorable woman” has died in our modern day parlance.
        They lack self-respect, respect for others, fairness, integrity or what it even means to fulfill an agreement or obligation.
        80% of all divorces are filed by the wife.
        Disconcerting, yes.
        But one must give credit where it is due.
        I, for one, am grateful for this author’s honesty with this piece.
        Until more dudes finally wake up and accept their station in this mess, they will continue to be exploited and regarded a little more than her convenient utilities and financial implements.

      • Polllllll on September 29, 2016 at 1:38 pm

        I would think someone as astute as yourself would recognize that “honor” is a wholly masculine quality. Of course, there are millions, perhaps billions of men who are completely lacking in even a shred of honor, it does not detract from the fact that “honor” barely even registers in the female vocabulary with respect to their own actions

  24. Paula on September 26, 2016 at 3:07 pm

    I only have one question: Has anyone bothered to ask the children how they feel?

    • Seaman on September 26, 2016 at 3:55 pm

      No they didn’t, nor do they care, that’s what’s so disgusting about this. All they care about is getting their Eat Pray Love fantasy fulfilled, no matter how unhealthy it might be for the kids. Garbage like this is a prime example of why there is so much contempt and derision of single mothers, because a good majority of them (I didn’t say all) think this way. It’s also speaks volumes that the author even posted something like this, basically legitimizing this behavior as a viable strategy for young women to pursue. She should be ashamed of herself for publishing such sewage, and her children should be ashamed of her as well. I wonder how her children would feel if she did what this article suggests, and strung their unsuspecting stooge of a father along since day one until it was time to drop him for some better dick.

    • Mercy2 on September 26, 2016 at 6:01 pm

      Why would she even care?
      She wrote: “Even though I love my child, having time away from her has allowed me to have and live a more complete life — and be a better mom when I am with her.”

      Detonating the family into living pieces is acceptable because it makes her a better mother. That children might be innocent, unsuspecting emotional and physical casualties of mommy’s liberating divorce is little more than an afterthought. The ends justify the means. Divorce is completely justified in mommy’s head because mommy feels stress, needs a vacation, and wants to make ooo! oooo! noises with a different man, and then brag about it to all of her friends.

  25. John on September 27, 2016 at 1:19 pm

    Wow this actually sounds great, I’m gunna pitch this to my wife. She can’t seem to drop the weight she put on during the pregnancy, so personally i’d love to be able to go find something new.

  26. Matatan on September 28, 2016 at 3:49 am

    Seriously, this blog post shows the truth of red pill concepts better than most articles by male manosphere bloggers. It is a gem. It doesn’t get any clearer than this.

    • Seaman on September 28, 2016 at 2:44 pm

      Damn right it does. When you look at it in that lens it all makes sense. You have to carefully read in between the lines here and look through the careful wording. Why would any mother’s goal for her daughter to be finding a “great man”, having children with said man, and then leaving him? I mean geezus, isn’t finding a good man hard enough, let alone a GREAT ONE?!?! So say she actually accomplishes this difficult task of securing a great man, she’s then supposed to just up and leave him, for no reason at all? Makes zero fucking sense. Unless you do know how to read between the lines that is.

      Let me enlighten you readers as to what this all means in reality. In the real world this girl would find a man to “have kids” with all right, but he wouldn’t be any great man, he would be a weak, beta, submissive simp who she knows she can take advantage of. And, even more realistic and disgusting yet, since this woman already planned to leave the relationship from the get go, she would already be out fucking alpha studs behind the hubbys back, get pregnant by one (or more) of them, and then trick the beta hubby into thinking they are his kids and helping raise them. Once she feels like she’s ready to go then she dumps him, takes him for support for kids that aren’t even his, and then goes back to the alpha real father of the kids, or some new guy that she’d been already fucking behind the hubbys back, likely throughout the entire marriage.

      Don’t be fooled by this feminist drivel.

  27. JustAsViable on September 29, 2016 at 1:52 pm

    I resisted replying for a few days because I didn’t want to participate in a monetized click bait blog because the discussion tends to be extreme for ‘the ratings’ so to speak.

    However, I just couldn’t resist it seems.

    I am living an idyllic life. It is true that women can’t really have it all. That something (career, parenting quality, relationship quality or personal time) has to give.

    After a successful 13 year career I went on maternity leave. It was supposed to be 3 months. I looked into the eyes of my firstborn, I knew my priorities had genuinely shifted. I asked my husband if I could retire. He agreed.

    I have two children AND a husband who are my priority. I get alone time from the kids being in school. *WE* get alone time from extended family. We have that loving passionate relationship.

    Why? Because I want to spend every day thanking that man for everything he does for us. For me. I respect him so much. I love him, still.

    My children are getting all those sushi parties and baking. I have the time and I am not running around haggard because I am fortunate enough to not work and we have extended family invested in the kids if we need a recharge. We work as a unit, and making sure my husband and children are thriving in their roles *is* my job. I absolutely *love* my job. What better than working with the three people I love most?

    How is this not the ideal? Sure, I am no longer a powerful business woman. But I was… We had our children mid-thirties. I got the experience. I honestly don’t miss it. If I feel the ‘be productive – be useful’ bug creeping up, I volunteer for something for a bit. PTC chairperson, etc.

    I think I have it better in every way than what Ms.Anonymous proposed. Shouldn’t *this* be the ideal?

  28. Michelle on October 3, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    Although being alone with my 4 boys can sometimes be hard and although I sometimes miss them when they are with their Dad……I LOVE THE COMPARTMENTALIZED LIFE. I can focus on each thing separately. My job, my boyfriend, my friends and family. I joke with my friends that I’m either in Mommy Land or Single Professional FREE land!

    I thought I would be married forever. I thought the worst thing I could ever do to my children was to put them through a divorce. I sacrificed myself and stayed in an awful marriage 5 years after I found out my husband was as serial cheater. It took losing my shit and living a completely un-authentic life sacrificing myself for the children’s sake to finally divorce.

    I’m 16 mo since separation and hopefully getting close to finalizing divorce before year ends. It’s been scary and stressful and heart wrenching. I did not predict that my Ex would treat me so horrible after divorce. Did not predict everything being so hostile. He’s pretty pissed that he didn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. Poor him.

    BUT I’M FREE TO BE ME. Live authentically. Have time for myself. Heal. I’m experiencing a personal Renaissance/Revolution. It’s beautiful. I feel the truest part of ME starting to come just above the surface. I’ve missed her desperately. I have thought many times….Wow, maybe this set up was actually MEANT for me. Maybe not being married is actually a MORE healthy way to live. Maybe this is the best way to be a Mother and become all I am meant to be individually!

  29. Jenny on June 18, 2018 at 2:20 am

    Of course you can absolutely make time for yourself whether you work or not while you are married with kids. People need to find examples of what they think can’t work because most people especially women look at those in their circle or seek out examples of things that only reinforce their own belief system. You can absolutely in the right relationship have family time sex time me time and couples time while married. Has nothing to do with being a good or bad mom to wish single parenthood but the reason listed in the Article is totally invalid.

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