It’s not OK for moms to be man-haters

 

 

On our Millionaire Single Moms Facebook group, one of the rules is:

No male-bashing allowed.

When you get together a bunch of mostly divorced women — as I do here on this blog, and its many social media outlets —  it’s only natural that they’re going to complain about their ex-husbands. Also: ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends, men they’re dating or want to date or who they can’t find to date. That is normal. It can be very frustrating — enraging, even — and women have been having these very same spirited conversations since the dawn of time — way, way before family court or Tinder were invented, or the term “conscious uncoupling” departed a certain under-nourished celebrity’s thin, sanctimonious lips.

Often, without thinking it through, such conversations can include missives like, “Men suck.” Or: “Men just don’t get it,” or “Men … etc.” Even a simple “Men!” in a certain tone says so, so much.

On that forum, I announced, that is not allowed. I also highly suggest you disallow it from your own home, mouth and mind. “You” being the universal you, with a special emphasis on single moms.

That’s right:

Single moms must be extra super-duper careful to not to make negative blanket statements about men.

Why?

Any thinking person knows it’s not acceptable to make nasty, blanket statements about women. Or gay or transgendered people. Or any race, nationality or religion. Duh.

Men are no exception.

Now, if you are an unmarried mother, there is a more-than-50-percent chance that you are parenting a male child. A male child who, statistically, is not likely to have his dad in his life in a meaningful way. Telling boys — explicitly or implicitly — that men are bad dumps into an existing hole in a kid’s self esteem a giant glob of toxic tar that is very hard to undo.

This rule applies to mothers of both girls and boys — humans who will interact with people of both genders for the rest of their lives. If they are taught that half the population is bad, that sets precedence for how they feel about themselves. It has an impact on the success of their future relationships in romance, friendship and business.

And saying “Men…” anything holds you way back, too. Even if you don’t say it aloud, but text it to your friend, or mumble it under your breath when your boss is being a jerk, or right as you slam the mouse on the “Disable account” button on OKCupid, you are sending unconscious nasty energy out to 50 percent of the world’s population. Whether all the men in the universe actually hear you mutter those hateful words, or are within a reasonable dating radius of your condo, you are throwing off hateful vibes to the world.

Including to men you potentially want to love you.

So, don’t.

Because somewhere there are guys hanging out, nursing their own broken hearts and contending with ex frustrations, and looming over the universe is an utterance of “dumb bitches.” And you and I know how so very wrong that is.

When hearing from women about dating and relationship challenges, I’m often stunned at all the man-hating out there. Lots of women HATE dudes. When confronted, most insist they do not. But you do. You totally do!

Why does it matter? Because you’re full of hate. It’s not like hate for trans fat, or public smoking or even Republicans, because you have a choice about how you vote. This is hating half of the human race. It is hating half of your own DNA. It is hating all of your male relatives and friends and any man you may consider. This means you even hate Tom Hanks and nobody hates Tom Hanks. Except there is something he shares with half the population– and that is his manhood.

Which is so, so toxic. No likes hanging out with a hater! Not even women. And you’re holding yourself back – back from connecting with others. Back

Here are 9 signs you’re a man-hater:

1. You speak about men in gross generalizations — and it’s always super-negative. Stuff like, “Men are always playing manipulative games,” or “Men love to be mommied,” or “Men hate giving oral sex and only do it so women will agree to anal.” You know, stuff like that.

2. You hate all your exes. If you find no redeeming qualities in any of the men you were once devoted to, well …

3. All your breakups were his fault. Not because it was a poor match, or the timing was off, or you acted poorly. No. All. His. Fault.

4. You lecture your son on how to be a better man. This assumes that men are inherently rotten, so he must be the exception. What you’re telling him is that by nature of his gender, your son is inherently rotten.

5. You lecture your daughter on what to avoid in a man — ad nauseam. 

6. When you spend time with a man you spend the while time nitpicking, correcting and insist on doing everything yourself. Lady, let the guy do his thing already. You are not the only competent person in the room.

7. You have a feminist chip on your shoulder. I’m a feminist, and you should be, too. It is hard to hold tight to our beliefs — which are rooted in a movement designed to upturn a male-dominated paradigm — and still adore the company of men. Because, one could very justifiably argue, men are the enemy. Except most of them are not. Not the one sitting across the table, patiently listening to you quote Germaine Greer with interest, after which he will insist on paying the bill. Still not sure if this applies to you? Do you ever casually — as in not in an ironic way — use the word “patriarchy”? There you go.

8. Your favorite way to flirt with a man is to argue with him. 

9. Your messages to your daughter about dating are negative. I appreciate that your past experiences my have been negative. But your daughter is not you. Do not put your stuff on her. As parents, it our job to help our children grow into the people they will be.

What do you think?

 

Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post’s ‘Must Read” list.

Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer.

A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.

About Emma Johnson

Emma Johnson is a veteran money journalist, noted blogger, bestselling author and an host of the award-winning podcast, Like a Mother with Emma Johnson. A former Associated Press Financial Wire reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has written for the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Glamour, Oprah.com, U.S. News, Parenting, USA Today and others. Her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was named to the New York Post's ‘Must Read” list. Emma regularly comments on issues of modern families, gender equality, divorce, sex and motherhood for outlets like CNN, Headline News, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox & Friends, CNBC, NPR, TIME, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine and The Doctors. She was named Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web,” “Top 15 Personal Finance Podcasts” by U.S. News, and a “Most Eligible New Yorker” by New York Observer. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Read more about Emma here.

47 Comments

  1. Alex on February 14, 2015 at 8:43 am

    “Do you ever casually — as in not in an ironic way — use the word “patriarchy”?”

    HA! I love that! I have a friend for whom #7 is a great description. It’s difficult to explain to her that not everything exists within a feminist framework; maybe it’s because she never grew up with awesome younger brothers like I did, or she might just spend entirely too much time on the echo chamber that is Tumblr. But it can be a little irritating to explain that MOST guys aren’t salivating dogs, just waiting to pounce on the next available woman.

    • Emma on February 15, 2015 at 10:32 am

      I was on this stupid video show about teaching kids about sexuality — and both of the female “sex expert” guests were all about drilling into our daughters how to protect themselves from preying boys. I was like, “Girls today are kicking boys’ asses in every single vertical – academics, sports, science. They own their sexualities like never before. Why are we teaching them that boys are all rapists-in-waiting? And what does that tell our sons?” They were adamant. Ugh.

      • Anonymous on September 21, 2016 at 12:43 am

        I guess you haven’t met an abuser, a rapist, and/or a pedophile before, whether it involved your daughters and/or yourself, not to mention not just not being able to get a boyfriend by the age of 30, but also never been asked out by a decent guy at that age either! Until then, you only know how to portray the current men as gentlemen, like the ones who were in post WWI & WWII, rather than viewing them as ill-mannered men!

        • Anonymous on September 21, 2016 at 12:54 am

          P.S. – You should review your insensitive thoughts that was written in this trashy article!

        • sick of crazy women on October 26, 2016 at 3:49 am

          Not all men are abusers, rapists, etc. In fact, I guess you haven’t met the feminist who thinks it is ok to rape a man because he is a man just as people say a white person can’t be racist. Now, when I was 9 one of my brother’s friends tried to molest me twice. He was a jerk. He was a creep. He is a professor at Western New Mexico University right now about a thousand miles from where it happened, and while I cannot do anything about what he did to me because it was 40 years ago, I have alerted the authorities just in case there are cases in his area. Do I hate all men because of this jerk? NO! Some women are just as bad. Stop thinking that all men are pigs. They’re not.

          Would I call myself a “feminist”? Not by today’s standards. Women deserve equal pay for equal jobs they can do just as well or better as men. They do not deserve it because they are women or men, they deserve it because they are good workers. I am a human being who happens to be a woman who respects others. Today’s feminists are a bunch of rabid crazy people who just scream in the faces of men and knit yarn from their vaginas while menstruating. Ewww. I really do not want to be associated with them at all.

    • Emma on February 19, 2015 at 8:25 am

      Have you ever met a woman like this who is also attractive to men?

      Nuff said.

      • Danni on October 2, 2015 at 7:32 pm

        Well written, meaning it reads well– but it seems to be only vaguely based in reality….

      • Deno on February 25, 2018 at 9:04 pm

        Yes the woman who wrote this article or ones like her are attractive.

  2. Arissa on April 18, 2015 at 2:44 am

    I myself is what they called a “man-hater”. I know exactly the way it is to be a man-hater. And I have a lot of reasons why I hate dudes. I feel awkward when they’re around. When my friends talk about their boyfriends I just keep my mouth shut for my own sake. They’re really bothering me. Well for me it’s kinda awesome being a “man-hater” and that’s my opinion. :-)

    • ArlssaSucksHugeDinosaurBalls on July 28, 2015 at 7:15 pm

      And yet you would be all up in arms if some guy told the world shamelessly what a woman hater he is.

    • Smoke on April 9, 2016 at 6:45 pm

      Replace man with literally any nationality and you will realize how horrible you really are.

      I myself is what they called a “Jew-hater”. I know exactly the way it is to be a Jew-hater. And I have a lot of reasons why I hate Jews. I feel awkward when they’re around. When my friends talk about their Jewish friends I just keep my mouth shut for my own sake. They’re really bothering me. Well for me it’s kinda awesome being a “Jew-hater” and that’s my opinion.

      • Punit on September 22, 2016 at 7:43 am

        you nailed it!!

      • Deno on February 25, 2018 at 9:08 pm

        You nailed it brother

    • Mark on October 29, 2017 at 2:53 am

      The correct term for a ‘Man Hater’ is a Misandrist. Look it up in the dictionary if ‘you is got da time’.

    • Deno on February 25, 2018 at 9:05 pm

      Jesus get a life loser!

  3. Danni on October 2, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    This article is trash. A man hater is someone who uses the word ‘Patriarchy?’

    • AMarie on October 31, 2015 at 10:54 pm

      It pretty specifically says, “signs you’re a man hater.”

      Signs your thyroid isn’t functioning- exhaustion.
      This article is trash! Lots of people are exhausted with perfectly functioning thyroid glands!

      Please take a class in either English or logic, as needed.

      • Deno on February 25, 2018 at 9:06 pm

        Wow… sound educated NOT!

    • Mark on October 29, 2017 at 3:15 am

      Misandrist. I guarantee that most all are aware of the ‘ever present’ misogynist, but when it comes to the problems that men face, especially with regards to people who just hate men few even know that there is a word for it or what that word is. It’s misandry.

  4. Jon Brown on January 13, 2016 at 4:23 am

    A man hater is anyone with a cunt

    • Anonymous on September 21, 2016 at 12:08 am

      JUST STFHU women hater!!!

      • Deno on February 25, 2018 at 9:09 pm

        Ah a man hater so you STFJU

  5. mk on January 18, 2016 at 1:34 pm

    9 signs written by a man hater. Aren’t there anymore than just 9?

  6. blue on January 24, 2016 at 3:59 am

    Wow.I though it was very wellwrittenand the author is my sister

  7. dk on February 28, 2016 at 4:11 am

    Lets put it this way I,m married but would never have another man in my life they are no great prizes I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it I, m 61 and over it.

    • Leave-me-alone on March 26, 2016 at 3:58 am

      I agree wholeheartedly, but as the other sex. I’m happily married 44 years; but, should it end, I would never have another woman in my life – and not just because no one could take her place. I will want to do ad I please when I please. Also maintaining a relationship is exhausting.

    • Cindie on February 9, 2018 at 6:49 pm

      Me, too, at age 64. Unmarried….YAY!

  8. Cc1288 on March 24, 2016 at 7:50 pm

    Hmmm…. so I am a lesbain, and I am not a man hater.

  9. K on April 23, 2016 at 9:46 am

    This article is based on opinions not facts. People that hate are insecure, shallow and spineless, with psychological issues that need to be confronted.

    • Anonymous on September 21, 2016 at 12:20 am

      If you still think that people are nice to each other nowadays, like the ones who grew up after WWI & WWII versus the ones who survived the WWI & WWII, then think again because their grown kids and the other young ones have become conceited morons! I’d recommend that you go get your brain examined for a reality check to be exact!

  10. Elee on May 4, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    I am a man hater because of my exes and also what my father did to us.

    • sick of crazy women on October 26, 2016 at 3:53 am

      Maybe you just pick the wrong men to date that remind you of your father.

    • Mark on October 29, 2017 at 3:27 am

      That’s about as logical as ‘I hate all food because I once had a bad seafood salad.’
      Not ALL men are your former partners or your father. They don’t do the things that those men did to you, nor would most all of us even want to.
      You’re working from a flawed syllogism. – Look it up in the dictionary.
      This is your logic.
      1 My father did terrible things to me and so did my former partners.
      2 My father and my former partners are male.
      Therefore ALL males are bad/terrible/horrible etc.
      If you don’t see the flaw here then for your own benefit seek help. You’ll live a happier life for it.

  11. IvanTheTerrible on July 9, 2016 at 1:30 pm

    Married for 37 years. Would not marry again. Women today share a victim ethos. Everything is men’s fault. Very hard to find a real partner that is not resentful. Better life single.

    • Kevin on August 4, 2016 at 9:24 am

      ” Lots of women HATE dudes. When confronted, most insist they do not. But you do. You totally do! ” Thank you !! This is why I will never even attempt to date a woman again , I have noticed that most women are all love & light to other women , but hateful & contemptuous towards men , noticed on a lot of occasions , women in customer service are all smiles & sweetness to other women , but stony faced , scowling & curt towards men. In fairness , women are also brainwashed by the ” media ” to view men as ” The Enemy ” , men are always portrayed as inferior , sex crazed morons. Many , & a rapidly growing number of men have given up on women completely , why try to love someone that views you with hatred / contempt ?? No woman would !!

      • Mark on October 29, 2017 at 3:33 am

        Kevin, I couldn’t agree more. I’m glad that at 52 I had about two and a half decades where women were ok. Now, in the 21st C we’re disposable. We live shorter lives, account for the vast number of suicides not to mention that men have always been expected to ‘protect their women’, go to war, etc, etc, etc.
        I’m over it too.

    • Cindie on February 9, 2018 at 6:50 pm

      Agreed!

  12. Svetlana Voreskova on August 13, 2016 at 9:09 am

    No 10:

    You read and quote from the toxic hate screeds written by poisonous bigots like Germaine Greer, Gloria Steinem, Naomi Wolf, Jessica Valenti – or pretty much any other feminist writer.

    • Aaron on October 13, 2016 at 1:37 am

      Gloria Steinem is terrible. According to a quote I read, she thinks it is impossible for women to consent to sex with men, and that therefore all heterosexual sex is rape. Probably she wants all the women to herself, she being a lesbian. She needs to just go on a dating site and search for lesbians. Big world out there. Gay marriage is legal now.

  13. Filipe on August 17, 2016 at 5:34 am

    I think the biggest advent of the Internet, as well as the greatest reward you can have as a scientist of the human sciences (psychology included), is to discover that there are no unbendable truths – or even unbreakable at times. Everything is relative to an individual, and everything is relative to the group, with few things being Global.

    One of them, being that there is really no right or wrong (unfortunately), and that our brains fall in love and admire, at first, what is powerful. You have these whole set of feminists for instance, but many of them are ‘white’ racists, who really have no problem (on the work market or on society), discriminating on the blacks for instance, or earning (much) more than other women of their “same race”.

    In the end, we got to discover on a Global Scale, that anything can be proven as a truth, with a bit of rationalization, genuine emotion, social power, and lexical resourcefulness. Personally, i ache and eager for a next step in our evolution.

  14. Sam Jones on September 15, 2016 at 8:55 am

    I think I luuuuuurve men X x x

  15. Cynthia Lavene on October 1, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    Men are not the problem. It’s bad testosterone that creates issues. Like war and rape for example. Just say no to bad testosterone!

    • sick of crazy women on October 26, 2016 at 3:56 am

      WTF? “Bad testosterone?” What does that even mean? Do you know that YOU have it too? Maybe you have “bad testosterone! LOL! You know that women rape men, too right? They are usually feminist jerks who think they are superior to men and not equal. It isn’t the hormone, it’s the human mind. As women gain more power, they become power hungry too just like the men. It happens on both sides. Men just talk about it less.

  16. Aaron on October 13, 2016 at 1:42 am

    10. You catch your guy acquaintance admiring your rear end, and you freak out like you just got sexually assaulted.
    11. Your guy friend asks you out, and not only do you say no, but you tell all your friends that he is a creep; you thought he was one of the good guys who did not want sex with women.

    I’ve noticed it too. A lot of women are treating most men as potential sex predators, or like predators who have not yet been locked up. I wonder what media they are getting this from, who is poisoning the well. A rape epidemic could explain part of it, but even if someone were raped once, would she really hate 90% of men as a result without being fed hate from somewhere else?

  17. Aaron on October 13, 2016 at 1:50 am

    12. You hypocritically use the word “objectify”, saying that when you enjoy the view of a guy, you know he is a person too, but when you catch an ugly guy admiring your appearance, he just sees you as a piece of meat and thus is objectifying you.

  18. Chan on October 18, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Maybe it’s that all men admit they want to be physical and have sex with women…I talk to women and they want physical and emotional and verbal…and still sometimes not sex. there are plenty articles that support men as being visual we even tell women its normal so maybe women are to feel men are way more sexually driven and to a certain point sex driven and maybe that is a trait to be disliked on women’s behalf?

  19. Anon on May 7, 2018 at 8:09 am

    Man HATER and PROUD!!! Fuck em, W.G.T.O.W

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