- Late-night phone sex is interrupted by your kid barfing.
- You discover at an inopportune moment that you have 27 My Little Pony stickers attached to your legs.
- You discover at an inopportune moment that even though you stopped nursing a year ago, you are indeed still lactating.
- You grab what you think is a pen from your purse to write your number on his hand, only to find yourself gripping a GI Joe.
- You dig into the nightstand drawer for a condom, only to have to sort through LEGOs and crayons and Barbie accessories to find them wedged in the far back corner.
- Just as things are getting frisky you get a text from your ex because your kid is freaking out and misses you and will you please call and calm him down? Like, now?!
- Somehow a Wiggles song makes its way onto your “Smooth Jamz” playlist.
- You leave the party to fool around in the car, but there are car seats in the backseat. And Cheerios in the other seats. And the car kinda smells like toddler pee. And maybe something rotting under the seat? Man, how long has this banana been under here? Let’s just forget it, OK? It was nice to meet you, too.
- You’re with someone new and you have to face the fact that your business is just not what it was. Either you have a scar above (or hidden by?) your furry bits, or your junk has been sewn up like a cross-stitch sampler, or things just aren’t the same downtown.
- Despite it all, you can still stand naked in front of a man who will say (and mean it), “You have a beautiful body.”
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