What is UP with young guys looking for older single moms?! cougar

young guys looking for single moms

 

The trend has been fast and intense: In the four years I’ve been dating as a single mom, there has been a steep uptick in young guys looking for older single moms. I know — all of the sudden they’ve started to approach me online dating sites.  I’m 39 and these guys are in their 20s. Opening lines include:

“I’m a Columbia Law student, so while I might be younger, I’m clearly smart and ambitious.”

“Ur hot.”

“You look like you’re fun. Want to teach me something?”

“Open to fun times with a young stud?”

As well as perfectly thoughtful messages that remark about my profile, interests or photos. The gamut. If I respond, does that make me a cougar?

Bit of background: All the men I’ve been involved with in my life were my age or older (in one case, way, way older but I’ll elaborate on that in another post). Twice in the past few years I was involved for a few months each with men who were 3 and 5 years my junior, and in both cases they were really, really lovely people, hyper-bright, ambitious and both were about 700% better looking than me. Both were great experiences. Even if I would stare at them across the bar table or at their head on my pillow, rub my eyes and think WTF is going on here?! , my ego, I admit, was like a sow in shit …mmmmm … prrrrrr … meow … oink!

This cougar-seeking phenomenon is another thing all together. What is significant about this trend is that a) younger men historically have not been interested in older women — especially moms. After all, youth in every culture is prized in mating, as biology favors young junk. b) The uptick in this young-dude interest is so swift – and the age gaps significant.

I’m not the only one to notice. A few weeks ago my friend Perri emailed me:

I have a question for you.  I just joined a dating site, and love it.  But why am I being contacted by so many men who are 21 to 28 years old? I’m 42!  It’s crazy. I don’t look my age but it’s there in my profile, so no guessing is involved. Is this a dare to screw an old chick? That said, I’m meeting a guy tonight to play pool. He’s great, makes me laugh, we have similar careers and education and the conversation is very easy and uncomplicated. But still – I’m perplexed! 

I admit, I’m perplexed too. So I did some research. And by “research,” I started quizzing the Benjamin Braddocks who hit me up online.

Listen to my Like a Mother episode on this:

The first one was a super-buff 24 year-old whose profile said he speaks English and Hebrew, works in finance and photos showcased him hanging with a dolphin and jamming at karaoke with his bros. His profile included:

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Here’s what this fine young man said:

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single mom young guys cougar

Oh boy, that one wasn’t too introspective — or maybe he was just really horny and desperate himself? Anyway, the next exchange wasn’t terribly valuable for gaining insight (though note his comments about looking for someone independent). A dark, handsome 27-year-old with a scrubbly face and almost zero info in his profile engaged me in this exchange:

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Third one? A charm.

This 27-year-old advertising exec was again, super-cute, and his profile funny, smart and thoughtful. You know, the kind of guy I wouldn’t think twice about dating. After he ‘liked’ me, I jumped right to business:

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Update:

Read the comments. The 31-year-old and I are dating.

Takeaway: If you want to go out with a younger guy, go out with a younger guy. Maybe for a fun drink. Maybe for a hot roll in the hay — once or regularly. And who knows, maybe for the long term. The only rules about young guys looking for older single moms are those you make for yourself. Enjoy!

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37 thoughts on “What is UP with young guys looking for older single moms?! cougar

  1. So it’s not just me? I’m with your friend – thought it was some weird contest. But over the last month I’ve been out with men 12, 14 and 15 years my junior. Yes, this puts them in their late 20’s and early 30s. All of these men are well educated, successful, and quite honestly, hot. We had a great time, enjoyed each other’s company, and in one case had some really fantastic sex. In all cases, they liked the fact that I have my own life, am independent, and am not looking for a life long commitment. I just want someone to go out with from time to time. In their words, that makes me very different from women their own age.

    So given all of our collective experiences, it’s not a joke. We’re all really hot mamas!

    1. I agree, I guess an older woman (mom) dating a younger man is not looking for something serious. That must be a plus for them!

  2. “mess of slack flesh” XD Yaaaaasss for the ending!!

    I recently had a gentleman at an industry convention who was only 23 hit on me quite a bit. At first I thought it was just because I don’t look my age (he had a VERY good pickup line too when we exchanged photos of our pets: “You know, pets are often reflective of their owners! I think there’s a reason why that toad is so amazing!” XD) The way he put it was that yes, a lot of younger women tended to be very marriage-hungry and Five Year Plan (TM) minded while older women were more sure of themselves and also had a lot major decisions already made. While I was definitely not marriage-hungry at 24, and I never believed in five year plans, I was NOT secure/confident at all. Not fulfilled in what I was doing either. I was very miserable in the financial industry and like WAY too analytic about dudes, stupidly holding out for the wrong guy too, and the few who were otherwise interested were just…meh. I practically had dewinterization stickers slapped on my ladybits like a foreclosed house. Summer of 2014 that all changed though!

    Confidence/security definitely has to do with it. I spent all those years (my most insecure ones) being constantly hit on by these inappropriately older men…now I get mostly dudes my age and way, way younger. I also noticed that I get utterly BOMBARDED with the sausage (and usually always under 25!) whenever I’m skating or I just have one of my boards with me. Young dudes do not stop flirting with me. Hehe.

    1. Wow, I am seeking for someone honest, caring and well understanding who know what love is all about.I hope to find someone who cherishes the little things, but keeps her eye on the overall picture. I want someone who is driven and dedicated to what she finds important and is able to share that passion with those around her..So i found your profile very fascinating that why i decided to drop a note for you to read.. My name is Kenneth Diggs, It is said that men makes the first move that the reason why i drop this msg for you..You can email me at diggs_k@ymail.com,But you can give me your email address so we can know our self better. I will be glad to read back from you…

  3. This is funny that you wrote this piece. I am a 31 year old man who you have worked with in a professional capacity several times over the last couple of years. And I was just saying to a friend of mine last week how I was interested in asking you out, but I felt like you would think it was ridiculous because I’m younger than you (so obviously I did not). I can say that it is not some sort of conquest, fetish, or dare – people are simply attracted to who they are attracted to. Through our professional interactions and your writing, I find you to be smart, witty, opinionated, and unique – all which I find attractive whether you are 19, 29, or 39. Just my two cents!

        1. Ha! Well we all know a woman spoils after that right? Just kidding. I think you get my point though. Sure, some guys will chase whatever they can to get laid. Others just know what they’re attracted to. And you’re it.

  4. Such a great article. Totally hilarious to read the comments…I mean honestly who knew? You couldn’t have told my 19, 24 or even 30 year old self that 42 was going to be when the magic happened. My looks haven’t changed but everything on the inside has and that is the key it seems. Now I can stop giving all these young guys the side eye and go out and have some fun and let the chips…and if it feels right, the panties fall where they may ;)

  5. Emma, I think know the answer you are looking for. When men are growing up they usually have crushes on older women. As they are developing, they’re attracted to women like their female teachers, mother’s female friends, females neighbors, etc. who are usually in their late 20s to early 40s (this also includes women on TV and in movies). When men get above 18 a lot of them still have this attraction to older women and now they are allowed to date them. Today online dating has made single women in their 40 accessible to younger men so as a result it’s happening. When I was in my 20’s I dated women who were older and found that they were much more mature, caring, gentle, and open. They naturally made you feel you were special and what was happening was special.

  6. WOW! I am so happy to see that I’m not the only one bewildered by this strange new trend…I’ve never been hit on by so many (really) young guys in my life! Evidently this has become a “thing”, but personally, I’m not interested in going there. My god, I’m 43, with a 20 year old daughter!! Yuck

  7. I just found your blog today and I subscribed after reading one post. You hit a cord with me. I am a hot, single momma and also a cougar. Lol The single younger men market is great! I’m in my prime and they are in thiers. So it works out great!

  8. Let’s face it. Men have been pining after youth and beauty since the dawn of time. Actors date and marry women half their age why? Because they can. And now younger men are dating / having sex with women twice their age why? Because they, as well, can. The mating arena has simply changed due to feminism and technology, and now the playing field and rules are different, so people are responding in kind. Young men are simply developing “new game” so they can better compete in this new game.

    I think a lot of men and women are confused about which way is up in this radically new mating arena we’ve all concocted for ourselves. Some seem to think it’s better and the “bees knees” and others seem to think it’s a step into romantic desolation.

    One thing I’ve come to believe is that commitments are no longer relevant and breakups are only a text away. Everything, including romance and love, is available instantly, and *will* gratify immediately (and on an ongoing basis), or be clicked, swiped, or drag-and-dropped off the screen. I don’t think technology has made humans suck more, but it’s just showed us the amazing human capacity for suck.

    It never ceases to amaze me how disposable humans now are socially. Friends boring you today? No problem. Here’s a map of people within 0.5km who are as cool, funny and interesting as you are! Hey… this one winked at me. Sorry Jane… I have to paint the dog tonight…

  9. I have been experiencing this almost exclusively. I am 47. The last one after me was 22! Yikes. All of my friends said just have fun but I felt too weird. 22 is so young. He turned out to be flaky and kept inviting me out then flaking out and not showing up. He’s deleted now. Haha. Mostly they are all in their early to mid thirties for me. Only a few my age or older. I am youthful with a lot of energy and maybe look mid thirties to early fourties.
    Sat night guy on the dance floor was 32 but looked 22. Sweet hot beautiful fella from Ghana. We’lll see if we get together again. It didn’t move beyond the dance floor. Now the problem is I rarely see anyone close to my age that I find attractive. I have gotten used to the younger guys. So a guy my age has to be super fit and hot or he’s not going to turn my head. Of course intelligence is also very important and a good personality! :)
    Interesting to read that this is a trend. I wondered why all these guys love me! Other than that I am sexy and adorable that is! Haha!

    1. I am not yet divorced but on my way (he has a personality disorder and is verbally/mentally abusive.) I have thought about future dating scenarios, and while I don’t want twenty somethings and the immaturity that goes with it, I don’t really find men my age attractive either (47). I DO have to say that after such a long romantic drought, just getting hit on again would be thrilling, lol! I feel invisible.

  10. I’ve seen the same thing online. And while I have enjoyed the flattery and witty banter, I haven’t taken any of the youngsters up on their offers to meet. But after reading this, perhaps I will. Might be fun.

  11. Newsflash: Ladies, older women are like mopeds. They may be fun to ride for a short distance but you never want your friends to see you on one. I dated a few cougars while in college. Why: because they were easy and available. Was I interested in them: No, not so much. It was just sex and I only was with those who were legitimately fit, as I’m fit. MOST older women and single moms are sloppy, unfit and unattractive. Not my cup of tea. I don’t like “wizards sleeves” or “meat flaps”. They’re disgusting. And I never date a woman over 35. Too many miles.

    1. Hey Tom – my 31yo says: “considering he looks like he weighs like 300 pounds and has 4 chins I don’t think he should be criticizing anyone’s looks.”
      Great to see you here!

    2. Tom, you are a jerk. I am divorced 47 year old woman that takes care of herself and look better than most of the married 30 year old women out there. I have been back on the dating market recently and have to say that I have dated guys close to my age range and they seriously play games. Most of them want to get into your pants on date #1. At least the younger ones, which I have not gone out with any of them yet, have enough balls to tell you that’s what they want. Have a nice day.

  12. I’m 41 and have a 33 year old trying to “court” me if you will. I asked him this very question and his main response other than (“Jo you’re hot”) was gals around his age or younger no longer know how to have conversations. I’m not sure I agree there but it’s just a tiny bit more insight on the subject.

  13. I recently started online dating after having been off the market for about five months. I am 56 and it’s clearly stated on my profiles. Almost nine out of ten messages I receive are from the 18- to 38-year-old crowd. Things have really changed in just five months! (I did throw in a bikini photo just for kicks this time around, and I don’t know if that is giving the wrong message.)
    It’s a bewildering world out there!
    I have previously not dated anyone younger than me by more than a year or two, but I am seriously considering it, just to see what it’s all about.

  14. I really do like how you view things and how you handle conversation so honestly but I have a question please, what happens to a person who is intelligent, ambitious and focus but he lacks some two, three things that blocks him from reaching his goals, because if he gets support for at least two(2) three(3) years in his studies, financially and physically so that he re-builds again though generally when it comes to handling a woman (sex wise, loving, caring ) .. I Promise You Will Never Regret This A Single bit

  15. I don’t think the guy named Tom Leykis is the real Tom Leykis because he says he is fit. The real Leykis himself also will readily admit that he is ugly while criticizing women’s looks.

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