Single moms (and other strong women) need alpha males

Alpha-Male

The other night my single mom friend Sarah and I were IMing about how we prefer men who are aggressive in bed.

“I’m the CEO of my entire life!” Sarah complained. “Do you know how hot it is to let someone else take over for 20 minutes?”

“It’s not just in bed – give me a vacation from my life for a while,” I responded. I was referencing my weekend date — a guy I met on OKCupid named Lou who I have pretty much nothing in common with but proved to be the perfect Saturday night activity. For the past few months I’ve been in a dateless funk fueled by disappointment that a love interest didn’t pan out and a long, grey, life-filled winter. Despite being little of what I am looking for in the long-term, this Sicilian-born, Harley-riding electrical engineer from Queens charmed me with a witty profile, flirty and articulate messages and pics that suggested — quite accurately, I found — a darling smile and a 6’3″ body built like a brick shit house.

Hotness aside, I knew Lou was just what my mental health needed when he called to arrange the date. He would drive to my neighborhood, so, per protocol, I promised to text him a location to meet. “What are you talking about?” he said in a loud, friendly, Queens accent. “I’m picking you up and I’m taking you out!”

Music to my ears!

Let me back up here. If I had to describe myself — which one is prone to do when she finds herself juxtaposed with a Lou — it would be that I’m a New York intellectual who dates more or less the same. My boyfriends tend to be writers and film makers interested in lefty politics and sustainable urban development. Lots of skinny jeans, the occasional fedora and dates that involve plenty of polite negotiating and triangulating a mutually convenient meeting point. Lou is Republican who wore a gold crucifix under his slim-cut waffle shirt, and he picked me up and took me out.

When I got in the car, I immediately took to Lou’s big, warm vibe. He took my hand and kissed my cheek hello, cracking a giant, handsome smile. “What’s this?” he said. “You’re the only woman I know who doesn’t do her nails!” And off we went in his pickup all the way across Queens to a neon-lit Mexican restaurant with valet parking.

I could write a whole post on the beauty of going out with men you have no interest in dating long-term. If you don’t care if you ever see the guy again, somehow everyone is freer to be themselves — and enjoy each other more. If I was looking at Lou through relationship goggles, I might have bristled when describing his most recent relationship with a woman who moved into her new house by transporting one dining chair per day in her car.

“Look, sometimes I like to be a man, you know?” Lou said. “I told her, ‘Listen, I’ll come by Saturday with three of my friends and we’ll move you in one day.’ But she said I was being too pushy. Women!” Instead of recoiling in feminist disgust, my interest was piqued. What other ways did he like to be a man? And was he going to show me on our singular date?

That’s the thing with the Lou’s of the world, Sarah and I agreed. We love that they take over plans for the evening, and then take over our bodies for the night. When you are an independent woman with lots of responsibilities, many men assume that we want to carry out that strong role all the time. But I need to feel like a woman, and the times I enjoy that most are when I am with a man. If I am being honest with myself, being a woman means – to a degree – being passive. And that requires a man who is – to a degree – the alpha.

Lou is not going to be my boyfriend. My boyfriend will be “an artsy-fartsy guy”  (as Lou described my type) with whom I will triangulate our first date. I loved hanging out with Lou, the macho way he relived me of any responsibility for the evening, the easy way I fell into passively following his lead, crucifix dangling in my face much of the night.  But I am a woman with an opinion or 50, and a clear vision for my role in the world. I can’t imagine settling for anything less than intimacy with someone who is my partner, my equal. Can that person be someone who is totally dominant? Could I ever be happy being consistently passive?

“You’re fun to hang out with,” Lou said, pulling the covers up to his chin. “Do you like to spoon? Roll over, let me spoon you.”

And I did.

49 thoughts on “Single moms (and other strong women) need alpha males

  1. Is it possible to have both?

    I am a firm believer in the need for more ‘alphaness’ in a man. My manfriend for the past 5 years is not an intellectual but he’s very smart and alpha.

    He loves my opinionated, independent and strong nature but he also knows that I love him to take over in certain situations.
    I’m happy with this mix.

  2. I think you’re crazy. Lou sounds great. You might be surprised – he may actually care about your opinions and follow them. Maybe he will respect those ideas of yours? Keep us posted. Please!

  3. So… I am here to attest that you can find an alpha male who is also artsy fartsy. I say this as my Harley riding, built like brick shit house, hot as Hell, husband makes a leather bag in the garage. ; )

    Love you and this post rocks! Keep the real you coming.

    1. this is Raj form India if woman or girl want to have the best moment and the best feeling of life then contact to me
      call +91 9993751294 or write to me e mail khajuraholove@gmail.com

      take care best wishes and lots love to form Raj

  4. Wow, this is refreshing.

    I’m SO GLAD that a sexy single woman has the balls (figuratively speaking of course) to say she wants an alpha male to take control, so she can relax. As a strong woman, it takes guts to admit to the world that sometimes, you just want someone else in the driver’s seat.

    I write a blog that teaches geeks to be more outgoing, and being alpha is part of it. Ideally, I’d like to turn most of the geeks I know into alpha geeks – at the very least on date night and in the bedroom.

    Keep up the great writing, I’m hooked, despite being neither a woman nor a parent :D

    1. Hi Rami – Thanks for the feedback. I checked out your blog [GutsyGeek.com, reader!] and love your approach. Don’t limit your gospel to geeks – many, many guys need your advice.

    2. Rami

      The problem is that she would take none of this dominant behavior from an arty-fartsy boyfriend of hers.

      It would be counterproductive to teach men to be dominant and alpha. Its women who decide what boundaries and terms they set with different men..how much control they allow a man to have.

      When a man is extremely attractive, well built, handsome like Lou, women themselves bring out their feminine, vulnerable, submissive sides and let the take control. With the other men they will engage on entirely different terms.

      1. Tim, there is a lot of insight in what you write, thought I wouldn’t say that it is Lou’s appearance that brings out the feminine side of women (ahem, me), but rather his attitude, expectations and actions. I’ve met men who are very small physically who can pull that off, and it is maybe even HOTTER.

  5. Artsy & alpha are not mutually exclusive – I’ve been happily married for 22 years to a guy who still gets asked at the border what motorcycle gang he is in. Yeah, he’s tough, but also smart, kind, a brilliant writer, & a terrific cook. He has a PhD in English, did postdoc at Harvard &, with apologies to the border guards, has no motorcycle (and no idea how to drive one). He’s incredibly strong, & yeah, very independent woman though I am, I like that, & I like that when we are out together, I feel very, very safe. Yup, he does look like a biker. But he’s way too independent & contrary to be in anyone’s gang.

  6. Why did you only go on one date with him? What’s so wrong with him? You need to read some Kristen Ashley Books (try Sweet Dreams) and see how an Alpha male can flex being an equal partner, just as you flexed being the submissive on the date.

    I know as strong women we are scared of that word. But that’s what it is, letting someone take over, even just in bed. :)

    I’m glad you had a good time. Sorry you let that fish off the hook.

        1. What happened? Did you have fun? He sounds like a good person. I too am a liberal, but I were single, I’d jump at having someone like Lou. Besides, make up sex is hot! ;)

    1. this is Raj form India if woman or girl want to have the best moment and the best feeling of life then contact to me
      call +91 9993751294 or write to me e mail khajuraholove@gmail.com

      take care best wishes and lots love to form Raj

    1. this is Raj form India if woman or girl want to have the best moment and the best feeling of life then contact to me
      call +91 9993751294 or write to me e mail khajuraholove@gmail.com

      take care best wishes and lots love to form Raj

  7. Awesome article and what I my friend and I have been talking about for a while. I have a ton of opinions, I have a lot of stuff I am responsible for, and I have all my stuff together. I am not a swooning female. But I do like a man who can be in control, someone who can plan things, tell me no, and be the more dominate person. I know that it is what I need in a relationship. Anything else and I would walk all over that person. It isn’t that I don’t believe in equal pay or equal rights, but like you said I feel a man should be able to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That is the hardest thing about dating now- no I don’t want you to give me your number, call you first, text you first, or set up the date. You be the man and do all that. I have told several men, I like men who act like men and take the first step and man up!

    Thank you!!

    1. Hi Jen,

      A ton of material in your post! I relate to 100% of what you said, including,” I feel a man should be able to be a man and a woman to be a woman.” I don’t even know what that means, except when you know what is happening, I know EXACTLY what that means.

      Confident, in-control men are fantastic to date, to sleep with and I totally prefer their company. But how does that work longterm? A few years ago I nearly became involved in a book project with a Real Housewife – both she and her husband are first-generation from very gender-typical Mediterranean countries. I’ll leave it at that, but her book concept was to talk about being an independent woman in a “traditional” marriage, and one of her big points was to “let the man be a man” and then just do whatever you want. From the little bit I knew of her and her husband, they did really seem to have something special, he was very supportive and loving of her, and she was a very bright and ambitious person. But she also gave up her career when she married and really enjoyed being a housewife.

  8. I’m sorry, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of reaction Lou might have to your description of him here. Somehow, I doubt it would make for a very entertaining column.

  9. Feminism is an absolute joke and anti biology when you really think of it….I always laugh when people compare it to the civil rights movement….It’s not even remotely comparable….Blacks WANTED and actively sought full equality and they earned there right to have it…Women just want all the benefits of “equality” without any of the responsibilities or negatives.

    Not to mention women are WEAK minded….They no full damn well they want to be submissive to men and can’t make decisions/lead at all like a strong man can…Feminism is a complete joke and pretends that women are just as capable being dominant/being in positions of leadership as men are even through they aren’t in any way shape or form.

    Feminism is a stupid joke and a dumb illogical 20 year old movement isn’t going to erase hundreds of thousands of years of primate evolution…Women are FOLLOWERS and submissive by nature…They are not leaders or logical decision makers like men….An ever growing “women led society” will be a disaster..

    To conclude my rant enjoy this TRUTHFUL video…As enraged as you (I’m guessing you’re a Feminist??) will be when watching this video you know deep down he’s 100 percent right

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0xoKiH8JJM

    1. There are actually some nuggets of wisdom in this angry, poorly argued screed. But the takeaway is this: “feminismisgay” is the best email handle EVAH! Thanks for reading and commenting, sweetie.

  10. Haha no problem….I’m glad you enjoy it (and hopefully you enjoyed the wonderful video I posted aswell :) )

    Now before you say I’m bitter. I have literally zero problem with women liking “alphas” (aka men who are masculine and lead them) In fact, I think that is a good thing (provided it’s a good protective alpha and not an abusive thug type) and should be encouraged (doesn’t really need to be since women are biologically attracted to masculine men and to be submissive and like I said a retarded anti-biology 20 year old movement like “women’s equality” or feminism isn’t going to change that)

    Women are weak-minded (with rare exceptions) and despite all their whining about “equality” and blah blah blah want NONE of the responsibilities that come with that equality (get on the front lines in war missy and then you can complain about being paid less then men for the same job!!!)

    They want all the cushy benefits of “equality” without any of the negatives or responsibilities….Plus some feminists seem to want to destroy masculinity while simultaneously being attracted to it and men who act masculine (very confusing to me???) Feminists want to submit to dominant protective men just like all women do….and subconsciously they know that they are weaker/less logical than men….Hence why they desire logical/rational/strong men to date.

    And a woman president WOULD be a disaster!!! Who wants a president who secretly fantasies about being dominated and made a slave by Christian Grey???? I don’t want a women sitting at an important meeting with a strong minded alpha man like Putin…She would just bend to his will and cave to his every demand even if it was a terrible decision for the country…Being the president is a MANS job….Color/ethnicity/sexual orientation/religion/non religion are irrelevant BUT gender is damn relevant.

    In conclusion I changed my email to “50shadesofIdon’tgiveafuckaboutwomensrights”…..Hope you will enjoy that email handle even more than my first one!!!

    Fuck Left Wing Liberals and Male White Knights!!!!!! The 1950′s model of dating/power dynamics between men and women was the best by far (no coincidence that the US thrived under those conditions.) I’m an atheist but the Christian family unit is one of the biggest accomplishments of western civilization and is one of the main reasons why the West is vastly superior to the rest of the world. This new model of fake “equality” where “womens rights” and blah blah blah is encouraged is doomed to fail….Not to mention (like I said) Feminism isn’t even REAL feminism…It’s just an excuse to give women all the benefits that men have without any of the responsibilities/negatives etc etc etc.

  11. So, you want to have your cake & eat it too. You want a dominant man, but only in the doseage that you want, & when it gets too much for you you want to be able to throw him away whenever it suits you & go back to playing miss independent. You want equality, but none of the responsibility? You women are a joke.

  12. @Family man – this is the very paradox I am exploring. Berate me all you want – I just BERATED MYSELF. Pay attention, dude!

    And Lou did read everything I’ve written about him. He loves it. Most men love being written about.

    1. You berate yourself? It doesn’t seem like you’re exploring anything. This whole article is an excuse where you attempt to convince yourself that you don’t want alpha men. It’s wishy washy & it goes back & forth. The entire tone of the article is this: “these are the reasons why I like dominant men & they make me feel like a feminine woman, but I don’t really want them.” Until the end where you put in your feminist disclaimer where you (and women everywhere refuse to admit to themselves) refuse to admit that a dominant man is what you want in all aspects of your life. You in your own words say that the guy won’t be your boyfriend. You want an “an artsy-fartsy guy”, which I take to mean, a man who you still have the ability to walk all over and won’t stand up to you when you need it. You want someone who is your equal, but you fail to realize that men and women will never be equal. You say you feel like a woman when you’re passive with a alpha man. How is the “artsy-fartsy guy” beta chump going to make you feel the same way?

      You women need to be honest with yourselves & stop playing games. Admit to yourselves as to what you really want & stop letting society tell you what to do. This is why you’re not getting the men you really want. This “having your cake & eating it too” mentality where feminists want equality but refuse to accept the responsibility is what’s dragging women everywhere down and all of you need to wake up & realize that you’ve been duped for the last 50+ years.

      1. Dear Family Man,
        I agree with your statement. I have learned a lot about myself after reading the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey books and went on a quest to find out more information because I really started questioning who I was and what I was looking for and what I needed for myself. I have been single for 10 years now and I’m so scared to go out there. I don’t even know where to go to find what I’m looking for, if that makes sense, but I do agree with you.

        1. Kimmie – all I can advise is to just get out there. A date never hurt anyone. Test the waters, see what is available, what feels good to you and what does not. I have learned SO MUCH about myself through dating the past three years …. And most of all: HAVE FUN!

  13. When I’m with a woman I take over control. Always. I dongivafug what she says she wants, because I know she wants me. She can talk to skinny jean wearing dopes with fag haircuts and hipster glasses, but she’s going to bed with me. I lift and I wear plaid shirts and I’m not rich but I work for a living and I’ve got balls the size of cantaloupes.

    I don’t remember how I found this site, but I don’t see why you should get upset about it. Women have never known what they want. They say this; they say that. And as a man you should have learned a while ago to filter out this noise and just take them to bed.

    I really wouldn’t care at all, but I take issue with the rise of women in leadership roles, because what they really want is a man like me, and they let their pussy lead them. Too easy to exploit. Like that story about the four female prison guards who were getting F’ed by an inmate who was also using them to smuggle dope. Duh.

    We need to stop pretending women are on equal footing in the workplace. And make it harder for women to get a divorce. They would honestly be happier that way. Staying home with the kids and taking care of a man is what they were born to do.

  14. Men, your best bet is to find a foriegn woman. But DONT, repeat, DONT let her become completely americanized (use frequent trips to her home land,etc). The woman in many foreign lands are ok with being women, they dont feel the need to grow a penis and compete for everything that a man has or does. They dont want their men to be another “girlfriend”.

    American women (esp. White) are spoiled, aggresive overprevlieged neurotics. Stop falling for the need to have a trophy walking with you and instead find a woman with soul and true need to care for and protect her man and family. Not obsessed with material things and castrating men for game and spite.

      1. Nah, you see hate, When it is just an acceptance of the state of affairs of gender politics. Making American women “happy” is tedious and aggravating. Not only do they not know what they want (or what they should want–as you clearly expressed) but they want it ALL.

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  16. Interesting conversation. I love to follow women’s chat :)
    I thought I could give the other side’s view.
    I’m 40yo, tall, confident and assertive French guy living in London UK. For the past 5/6 years I have lived amazing relationship with a couple of very successful and powerful women, but very submissive in their relationship. The simple reason was that they both needed to unleash once at home and abandon themselves completely to a man of power and control.
    I love being with a woman of power and her bossy “daily” routine turns me on a lot, but once she’s home she’s mine and love to submit to my will.
    Ok this is a kinky/fetish relationship but that balance works really well on a long term basis.
    I believe the key to happiness is the balance in the couple, whatever balance it is. Most important is to be able to look at ourselves in a mirror and ask “Are you happy? Is that what you really want?” Stare at yourself for 5 minutes and see what answer comes out.

    Wealthy, bossy, successful women love their butt kicked by their man :) They need it. And I love it! :)

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