Don’t mess with mama.
There are plenty of things I love hearing. These include, “My husband was away on business for a few days and it made me think of how you pull it all off.” And: “You’re such an awesome mom.” Also: “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever known and I want to make sweet love to you all night long.”
I can go for these missives any time.
Some other comments, not so much.
Here’s a list of 13 things you should never utter to a woman who is a mother and does not have a partner:
- My friend’s husband took a job in Namibia for six months, leaving her alone to manage two little kids and her job. Six months! Can you believe that?!
- Did you try marriage counseling?
- It must be so hard to to meet men.
- The kids must really miss their father.
- He left when you were pregnant? What a dick.
- My husband is away for the weekend. We should hang out and do the single mom thing together!
- My wife and kids are away for the weekend. Want to get a drink?
- I hired a babysitter for the hours that Jackson is home from preschool and before Mike comes home from work. I just can’t handle both kids at the same time by myself! Know what I mean?
- Do you get child support?
- How do you make ends meet?
- I’m thinking of going back to work — something fun that would give me a break from the kids. Know what I mean?
- Mike stays with the kids while I go for a jog at 7 p.m. Want to join me?
- A single mom? How sad!
Are you a single mom? What’s the worst thing anyone’s said to you? Share your horror stories in the comments.
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My call to evolve the current marriage model has gotten attention from Woman’s Day, Ryan Seacrest, HuffPo, CafeMom and others! 
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Circle of Moms names WSM “Top 25 NY Mom Bloggers”
Or from another single mom: “You have a boyfriend? Where do you find the time to date?”
(My son goes to his father’s each weekend. I didn’t join a mom’s group: hanging out with other people’s kids while mine was away was just depressing).
Yeah, that is one of the perks of single mommydom, if your ex has a regular visitation schedule, you find yourself with plenty of free time — which can make you all the envy of your married mom friends.
I’m a single, adoptive mom (ie I “did it” on purpose). The single worst thing anyone has ever said to me is “why would you adopt a child when you work all day?”
NO WAY! …….WOW people are just too funny!
This is an old post, but this just happened today and I hard to share. My well-meaning 90-year-old neighbor said: I feel so bad for your daughter. He’s not the first to say it. Please don’t pity my daughter. She’s doing amazingly well and would most definitely be worse off if her father and I were still together. Feel bad for her father who does not want to be an integral part of her life.
I just heard one second-hand: “You’re too busy chasing little kids to make an informed decision about the election.”
Well 95% of single moms are unconverted (religiously speaking) and THAT is why they are in the situation they are in. From a PASTOR (not at my church) when I spoke to him about the single mom small group I lead at my church. Idiot.
Because, as a man of God, he has special binoculars that let him see the souls of single moms.
MY ANSWERS:
1. My friend’s husband took a job in Namibia for six months, leaving her alone to manage two little kids and her job. Six months! Can you believe that?!
Answer: As long as he’s sending home the money I can!!
2. Did you try marriage counseling?
Answer: Yes, and does that somehow change the judgemental outcome of your analysis?
3. It must be so hard to to meet men.
Answer: What makes you think that’s one of my objectives? OR Not really, there are very few places it’s illegal to take my children to.
4. The kids must really miss their father.
Answer: About as much as I do.
5. He left when you were pregnant? What a dick. Answer: Better to not take a job you can’t handle then try to fake it.
6. My husband is away for the weekend. We should hang out and do the single mom thing together!
Answer: Real single Mom’s don’t have time to hang out for a weekend..
7. My wife and kids are away for the weekend. Want to get a drink?
answer: I think your time would be better spent at a shrink.
8. I hired a babysitter for the hours that Jackson is home from preschool and before Mike comes home from work. I just can’t handle both kids at the same time by myself! Know what I mean? Answer: Then I surely hope you are not planning on having ANY MORE!
9. Do you get child support? Answer: If I say no are you going to give me some?
10. How do you make ends meet? Answer: Sometimes they don’t
11. I’m thinking of going back to work — something fun that would give me a break from the kids. Know what I mean? Answer: And how have you done convincing your kids that work is fun?
12. Mike stays with the kids while I go for a jog at 7 p.m. Want to join me? Answer: As long as Mike doesn’t mind you volunteering him to take care of mine too!
13. A single mom? How sad! Answer: would an orphan be less sad for you?
Sometime I just can’t help it. I could write a whole blog on stupid things people say to people who have had a child die too… it’s not pretty.
Yvonne — could you be my BFF? Please?
Your statement about the orphans resonates so much- there is so much out there that makes us feel awful for choosing divorce (and yes, I chose it so I wanted out) and about how terrible it is for the kids. Well, I saved my ex-husband’s relationship with his kids by getting his angry self out of here. He couldn’t handle being selfless everyday but he can do a decent job every other weekend. While I want nothing to do with him, my kids now have a dad who is happy to see them and he’s not yelling and screaming and scaring the crap out of them. I’m sick of being put in a group that is NOT monolithic at all- not all divorce is a bad thing. And really, my kids get to see their dad so this romantic notion that children who lose a parent are fine while divorce ruins the children forever is just a bunch of b.s.
Kirsten – this is an excellent point and leads to a fascinating phenomenon that divorce can make us BETTER parents — maybe especially fathers. I just went out with a guy who shared his experience which was not dissimilar. His ex was kind of controlling in the parenting realm and now that he has the kids 50 percent of the time, he feels he has really blossomed into a really great dad and is now a much more involved parent than he would have been had he stayed married.
The one downside of this phenom is that my youngest had noticed how things had changed and asked me if now that Dad was happy, could he come home? that broke my heart. I had to explain that he can’t and he’s happy because he’s on his own. That was a week from hell because both kids decided that it was me being selfish and I had ruined their lives. I had to resist the urge to give them the laundry list of what it was like when he was here- I can say that I have not said anything negative about their dad to them. (wish he could say the same…but that’s a different story!)
Wow. So familiar. I was that angry dad. I am not proud of that and yes when the ex left my relationship with my kids was even better. Female Infidelity led me to divorce (and yes I do take responsibility for my part in the split as was stated earlier) but I was relieved when it became official that the job I had been doing for the previous two years was now without second guessing. It was odd how when it was just the kids and I the anger was gone. Completely gone. Here was the really interesting part, I took an absolute chewing from my kiddos for my past behaviour. When they felf comfortable after a couple months they let me have it. I just had to sit there and listen and take accountability. However, after they had thier chance to get me to listen to the feelings evoked by my anger, the trust in the house went through the roof. The second positive effect is that mom has to actually be a mom two weeks a month. No dad to hand the kids off to forces mom to be all in… Maybe mom and dad are better parents now that they are both single parents.
Wow, so many of those resonate that it’s hard to pick a favorite but maybe #7:). From someone in my family who mean well, “I just hate this for her, poor thing.” (spoken recently, not 6 years ago when we separated)
So, my smart ass responses which are often in my head when it’s family saying the dumb remarks, “What, you hate that my child is now surrounded by people who adore her and fight over who gets to have her? You hate that she’s growing up with two parents who now get along wonderfully and want what’s best for her? You hate that she’s well adjusted, happy and independent? You hate that she’s going to be 1,000 times more successful and happy than other kids you know? Yeah, she’s really got a tough life, poor thing.”
I think it’s the pity that pisses me off the most. The ignorance and misdirected hostility I can usually just laugh at but the pity for me and my daughter is what gets to me.
Toni – I get that pity thing. I feel (mostly) that I’m really great, my kids are great, we’re happy – why pity us? But it really reflects on them — are they automatically happy just because they’re married? Um, probably the opposite.
“Does he ever see his dad?”
Wtf? Really?! How dare people ask that!
The worst thing said to me so far, I’m expecting in June 2013, is from my mother. That she is concerned for the well being of the child. Wow, just wow. Which is ironic considering her choices in life.
I’m 39, will be a first time single mom by choice, built a business in the height of the recession in the most depressed city in the nation and am in school FT currently so that I can start another business next summer. So thank you for this blog, it gives me hope and peace that my dreams for this sweet baby boy and myself ARE possible.
Ellen, glad you’re here. I imagine your mom’s words hurt, but of course that is just her concerns (which, granted, she probably should have kept to herself!). Sounds like your little family is off to a great start – keep it up.
My personal favorite was when a preschool teacher said about my two-year-old, “He is doing so well! I would never guess he is a child of divorce.” Uh, thanks, I guess?
“You’re young and pretty. You won’t be alone forever.” First off, I’m not concerned about being alone. Secondly, what do my looks have to do with anything?
Well, Sarah, pretty much every person is concerned about being lonely. I believe it is perhaps the greatest human fear.
Just got here somehow, after being intrigued by all the media attention. And sadly, the comments ‘What not to say’ are pretty damn innocuous. Normal everyday conversation, really. If you’re somehow really put out about those? What happens when the real questions might come from social workers, teachers, nosy family/neighbors or the like? Here’s my list of Sometimes Rarely seen or heard questions that might be truly offensive:
1.) Is the father in the picture much? (This is a genuine question to obtain benefits too).
2.) Where was the father last seen, do you have regular contact with him or his parole officer?
3.) When does (parent ‘B’) get out of prison or when are they off of parole? (Again a really useful question used by the authorities).
4.) ‘I love the look of mixed kids, what is he/she’? Or another formulation, ‘Oh I love your kids hair/eyes/skin tone’ what was his other parent like’? (And ladies that IS the polite version!)
5.) Less friendly? ‘I guess you had your daughter/son right out of HS?’ Did you graduate?
6.) Still Less Friendly: ‘Does your momma/poppa/Uncle know where you are?’ And the related, ‘Where’s your kids?’ or ‘Who’s taking care of your kids while you’re out partying?’
7.) Still somewhat less friendly: ‘Are you still seeing ‘ol what’s his name?’ Or ‘Are you still seeing your babby daddy?’ (Again may be related to #1 depending on circumstances).
8.) Slightly more sympathetic: ‘Is your family finally coming around?’ Has your momma/daddy seen your daughter/son’? (A very common question, actually).
9.) Getting back to reality of life: ‘Are you on reliable BC now’?
10.) And the related: ‘Are you getting better baby care now?’ Do you want their number?
Most of this might be heard regularly in conversation in the neighborhoods & communities I live and work in. They can easily be more obnoxious than anything cited. But they’re also part of reality faced by folks daily. The version above is hardly offensive to many. Which is fine, we all live in our own reality. Some of us are more sheltered than others perhaps.