This is the first installment of WTF Fridays, where readers write in with their questions about money and being a single mom.
Dear Emma: WTF?
My husband of 15 years just up and left me for a younger woman. Old story, I know – but I am still in shock. We have three kids ages 12, 10 and 9, a big mortgage in an excellent school district and payments on two German cars – and I’m not talking Volkswagens. My husband has a very successful small business and I’ve been working parttime as a teacher, and he is fighting me tooth and nail to pay as little child support and maintenance as he can. Needless to say, our lifestyle depends upon his income, yet I am having a hard time proving to the courts that he makes as much as he does because his is mostly a cash business.
I am so furious that he is able to walk away from his family and start life anew with little financial obligation to his kids – or me, for that matter. I am spending what little money I have on a divorce lawyer, but she tells me that even if the court orders him to pay more support, I will likely have to continue to fight to get it – and that may take years. I’m trying to find fulltime work, but find myself spending hours on the Internet and talking to friends and lawyers – all in an effort to figure out how to get more money out of this douchebag. It seems to make more financial sense to invest my time try to get him to pay what he owes, rather than looking for more teaching work. Meanwhile I am struggling to stay afloat so my kids can continue to live in the lifestyle my husband and I planned for them.
What can I do?
Exhausted and broke in Hoboken
Your signature says it all: you’re exhausted! You and your kids need money. But more than that, you need energy to launch the fabulous new life you are about to create. There are two pieces of advice I can offer:
1) Fight on behalf of your kids.
2) Put your energy into only what you can control.
These may seem like conflicting messages, but they are not. On one hand, your ex certainly has a legal and moral obligation to support his children. A court will likely find that he has a responsibility to support you, too – at least for some time. Your responsibility as a mother is to get as much of this money for your children as you can — within reason. But as your lawyers said, this looks like it will be a long and ugly fight. Who knows how it will end.
How will you pay the bills in the meantime?
And maybe just as importantly, how will you provide the emotional support that your kids need if you are spending all your energy being angry and fighting?
Enough lecturing. Here is what you will do:
- Assess how you spend your energy. Notice this is Step No. 1. If you spend all your energy on revenge, getting your due and fighting your ex — that is all negative energy. What if you put that same energy into building your own career, wealth and family? In that case, the sky is the limit! Meanwhile, fighting your ex may get you a court-ordered settlement and a moment of satisfaction. But he’ll still be richer than you. And he’ll still be screwing that hussie.
- Move forward with all legal proceedings to get your and your kids’ fair share of your ex’s money. Dig down deep into your soul and decide what you think is a fair sum. Rise above your anger. Take the necessary steps to get that number. Accept that you may not.
- Make a plan to support your kids on your own financially. Does this mean a fulltime teaching job? Pursuing another career? Going back to school for advanced degrees?
- Accept that you will likely be broke for a while. Mothers usually are after divorce. But this will be temporary if decide that it will be temporary.
- Get a grip on your expenses. You cannot afford your sweet address any more. That is sad, but even sadder would be to stay put in an abode that you will likely be kicked out of by your bank. That Benz? Swap it out for a Hyundai. Is there a way you can rent or buy and still stay in your school district? Get serious and practical.
- Accept that your lifestyle will change. You are no longer rich like you used to be (and I don’t’ care if you classified yourself as “middle class.” The lifestyle you described puts you in the upper .001 percent of the global population. Consider that for a second.). Accept that is OK. It may be better than OK. It seems there was a lot of denial going on in your life. You were surprised that your husband was unhappy in your marriage. You were surprised to find out he is a dick. You are also surprised that your lifestyle was precarious. Living squarely within reality comes with it a liberty that money cannot buy. This is one of the most important lessons you can teach your children.
- Accept that you are now free to build any lifestyle you want.
- Remember my mantra: The best revenge is a life well lived.
Do you have questions for Emma? Send them along on the Contact page, or email emma at emma-johnson.net.
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